3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Truth or Dick

Get up, get on up Stay on the scene Get on up Like a sex machine Get on up Get up, get on up Stay on the scene Get on up like a sex machine do you notice how this James brown is always getting somewhere? He's getting up, getting down, getting back.
We should contact him-- I mean, as part of our mission to study life on this planet.
Yes, but according to this, he's more of a machine, a sex machine.
Oh, look! It's the campus police.
- Is there some kind of problem? - Ooh, actually, yes.
There's a star missing right there.
And we think we know who did it.
- This is your family? - Why, yes.
That's exactly what we were going for.
Sally's the woman.
I'm the tall, dashing man.
Tommy is the adolescent.
And Harry is the funny-looking one.
I'm gonna have to see your driver's license, please.
Why? We're not driving.
We're parked.
Yeah, but you're parked on university property.
I am university property.
Here's my photo I.
It's just my head, but I assure you the rest of me is anatomically correct.
Well, Dr.
Solomon, it's 2:00 A.
- So, let's pack this up and move it out.
- Right away.
Dick, what's a driver's license? It must be some kind of human validation.
- We should get one if we're going to blend in.
- I'm on it.
It's that guy again.
- God, it's amazing.
How does he sing like that? Dick, remember how I said I wanted to learn to sing? I've changed my mind.
Where are you? Very well, I can wait.
You're not watching me.
I'm not watching you.
You're somewhere in the room, I can feel it.
- Good morning, Dr.
- Yah! - What is it, Nina? - Here's the mail.
Oh, it's a letter for Dr.
She'll hold this in her delicate hand, insert a finger and rip through the mucilage.
She's just wonderful.
I knew you had a thing for her.
Yes, but I understand I'm not allowed to show it to her without her permission.
Good morning, Dr.
- Good morning, Dr.
- Good morning.
- Dr.
Solomon, I was just thinking of you.
- You were? Yes.
I have a meeting with the rules committee on Friday night, and I just can't make it.
It's too late to try and get out of it now, unless you can talk some idiot into replac-- oh.
You look wonderful.
- Is that a new jacket? - I'm entirely new.
Everyone on the rules committee wants to meet you.
- Really? - We all think of you as the resident genius.
Please, I need you to substitute for me.
You need me? I never dreamed that I would be the man you needed.
I need you desperately.
Let me know if it's going to get any deeper.
I'm wearing open-Toed shoes.
- I'm not prepared.
- It's a dull, mindless group.
It's "the night of the teaching dead.
" Maybe I can shake things up with some fresh ideas.
No one there would recognize a fresh idea if it bit them on the ass.
Just pass these out for me, please.
All right, I'll do it.
You've saved me.
Well, I am a manly man.
- Well done.
- Another five minutes, and he would have given me a kidney.
Next! I can't believe how much we have to go through to get a license.
Then why are we here? Because I want one.
If I have to be the woman, - I'm not about to be stuck at home.
- Mm-hmm.
"Stay behind orange line.
" That's why nobody ever gets to the window.
Hey, let's pull up the slack here.
Oh! There must be some sort of flesh-melting force field at the orange line.
- Next! - No-Ooo! I'm sorry.
You know, cars must have some huge power we haven't discovered yet.
Look at this-- the lines, the waiting, the testing.
Can you imagine what you must have to go through to get a gun? Next! What is it they don't get? That woman says "next.
" The first person goes to the window.
The second person moves to the orange line, becoming first.
The third person becomes second, and the rest of us pull up the slack! There are just too many gaps in this line.
We should each only be a single person-thickness apart.
Good point.
I think everyone should hear it.
You think so? Okay, people, listen up and nobody gets hurt! Tommy, have you been sitting in that same chair all day? Hmm, let me think about this one.
You're supposed to be experiencing human adolescent behavior.
Well, as an adolescent, everything annoys me, especially the sound of your voice right now.
- Harry: nothing.
- Sally: yes, you did.
- I did not.
- Don't try to blame it on me.
- Did you get your license? - We were thrown out.
- On the bright side, we did outrun the police.
- What went wrong? Everything.
What do people have to do on this planet to get what they want? Today Dr.
Albright wanted something from me.
All she did was ask.
- What did she say? - She said she needed my help and I looked wonderful and I'm a genius.
- She said that? - About you? - Yes.
- And you bought it? - Well, I am the high commander.
- Wait a minute.
Something about this doesn't wash.
She's doing something.
Now I remember, I read about this.
She's distorting the truth.
Albright would never lie to me.
Wake up and snort the coffee.
Just because you don't lie doesn't mean people here don't.
We're colleagues.
I trust her.
I command you to be more like her.
- Like what? - Like a woman.
- Fine.
I can woman.
- Good.
- Commander, permission to speak freely? - Granted.
As the oldest member of this crew, I feel it's my duty to inform you all that this planet both wipes and sucks, in that order.
What is your problem? Something's wrong.
My transfer's not holding.
I'm growing hair, and my armpits smell, and there's a constant circus in my pants.
Aw, our old man is becoming a boy.
No, I'm serious.
The seal's broken, and I'm losing oil.
Look at this.
- Harry: ooh! What is it? It's a nipple.
- What am I going to do about it? - I don't know, but until we figure it out, you should sleep in the shower.
Man: gentlemen, we have a guest member of the rules committee with us tonight.
Solomon, would you care to share with us - some of Dr.
Albright's feelings? - Oh, yes, of course.
Well, first, on behalf of Dr.
Albright, I would like to say welcome to this big waste of time.
I'd say I've always wanted to put a face with those men whom she affectionately calls "the night of the teaching dead.
" And may I say you do not disappoint.
I can tell at a glance that you indeed are a mindless and dull group.
So, I would like to start with a fresh idea that you won't recognize when it bites you on the ass.
Excuse me, does Dr.
Albright know you're speaking on her behalf? Don't move! Stay where you are! - Dr.
Solomon-- - Freeze! He's still there! Oh! You have a mole.
A big, ugly mole.
Well, you're in early.
Byron told me about your little speech.
Sorry I missed it.
Rest assured, I gave you full credit.
What the hell are you trying to do? Ruin me? It will take me weeks to repair the damage left in your wake.
- Weeks.
All you had to do was show up and feign interest.
Feign? I will not be a party to feigning.
I always tell the complete truth.
The truth? Then I will be brutally Frank.
Good, I'll be genuine Dick.
I thought, foolishly, this would be a good opportunity for my colleagues to get to know you.
No one wanted to meet you.
I made that up.
So you lied? I was bending the truth to flatter you.
There's a difference.
I see.
So when we met, you said you were pleased to meet me.
- Was that a lie or truth-bending? - Figure of speech.
- When you said you were impressed with my résumé? - Light conversation.
When I moved in, you said you didn't mind sharing your office? Diplomacy.
Anything else? - Yes, is that really the color of your hair? - Absolutely! You're upset, aren't you? - Tell the truth.
- Yes.
I thought I could trust you.
I can't.
Trust me? You're the one who lied and tricked me.
It's not how you lie to trick someone.
First, you start by-- you have something on your tie.
Ah-ha, very clever.
Yes, I see how that works.
You have something on your shoulder.
That's not how it works.
This is how it works.
Your shirttail's on fire.
That's how.
Your blouse is on fire.
Stop-- get your hands off-- - don't move! That was my fly.
I know.
On the subject of universal truth, Albert Einstein once said-- any thoughts on that? Anyone? Yes, Caryn.
Solomon, I think you were speaking German.
Yes, German.
Einstein spoke German.
Okay, I'll simplify.
"Scientific proof is nothing more than conditional truth.
" We all understand what truth is, don't we? Now, I have three of Einstein's equations on the board.
Two of them are false, and one is true.
Who can spot the true one? Anyone? How many of you think it's number one? I'll give you a hint: it's not number one.
Here's another hint: it's not number two.
How many of you think it's number three? Well, you're wrong.
I lied.
I made them all up! You see, lying accomplishes nothing.
You can't trust someone who lies.
You work with them.
You think you know them.
They ask you to substitute.
You make a fool of yourself.
They get mad.
And your sister can't even get a driver's license.
Solomon, is this going to be on the final? The point I'm making is, you have to tell the absolute truth, or else you just end up confusing people.
But, Dr.
Solomon, sometimes you just can't tell the truth.
But why not? Anyone? Leon, I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to tell me the complete truth.
This won't affect my grade? Absolutely not.
What do you think of me? Uh you make me really nervous.
I don't know what's going on half the time, and when you walk around the room, I'm always afraid you're going to hit me in the back of the head.
Thank you.
There, you see the truth.
By the way, Leon, you're failing.
- I thought you said it wouldn't affect my grade.
- It didn't.
Anybody home? Anyb-- Oh, hi.
I brought you folks your extra key.
Yeah, right.
Good excuse.
You just wanted to come up here and stare at pimple boy.
You poor kid.
I remember how it feels to be your age.
I remember how it feels to be your age.
I'm going to go out and get some smokes.
You want to take a ride? Yeah, whatever.
It's really not fair.
I can grow a pimple but not a mustache.
What's your secret? - Solomon, Sally.
- Here.
You failed the written exam.
Come back in three weeks.
I can't come back.
I can't.
- Sorry, those are the rules.
- I need a license now.
I'm the woman.
I really need your help.
You must be a genius.
Your line is so big, but it moves so fast.
Well, I do my best.
There's got to be some way you can help me.
I mean, I know you have a heart in that big, hairy, wonderful chest of yours.
I bet pretty girls beg you all the time, huh? Okay, you can take the test again.
Thank you.
I could get very good at this.
Hey, what did you put under "weight"? Tommy, are you all right? Where have you been? The mall, Dick.
I was at the mall.
It may be the most emotionally satisfying place I've ever been.
Were you able to observe other life-forms? Definitely.
Everybody there was as oily and disgusting as me.
It was a food court of mutants, a catalog of horrors, a freak show, and I was their lizard king.
What do you do when you're there? - Hang.
- What do you see? Stuff.
I belong now.
Oh, yeah, stay out of my room! Dick? Dick, look, I got my driver's license.
According to this, you're a 55-year-old, And an organ donor.
Dick, I got my driver's permit, too.
Yes, I expected you would.
I just want to say that I not only accomplished my goal, but I've discovered a softer place within myself, and it is all because of you and your extraordinary ability to command.
- Thank you, lieutenant.
- You have so many facets to admire, time prohibits my naming them all.
Shall I speak of your courage, how you've led a ragtag crew of misfits across the galaxies, fueled by your brave spirit? Or shall I confess that your boyish good looks are stunted only by your personal bigness? Oh, where to begin simply exhausts my feminine mind.
- What are you doing? - Lying.
- You like it? - It's incredible.
- I love it! - Really? - Yes! How did you do it? - Anybody can do it.
Look at me, I've just done it once, and here I am, whipping it out there.
Wow! I thought the truth was potent, but it's nothing compared to this.
This makes me feel powerless and susceptible, and ready to yield to your every-- I've got to find Dr.
This is Wednesday.
She calls it "over the hump day.
" I don't know what that means , but I know where she humps.
Tommy, we're going out.
- I'll drive.
- No, I'll drive.
- Dick - Dick: Harry called it.
- Shotgun.
- I don't want to ride in the back.
Albright, hello.
Sorry we don't have a chair for you.
Not a problem.
- You know Dr.
- Yes, of course.
You really should have that thing removed.
It's all I can look at.
- Excuse me.
- I-- looks like there's just the two of us.
I'll have a pitcher of that stuff.
- May I see your driver's license? - You bet you can.
Okay, Mrs.
I discovered something today, and I really need to try it out.
I'll get you some water.
You see, you know these things.
You're so smart, and your your looks-- your looks are like a beer tap, a golden rush of drunken beauty with a nice head which spills all down your blouse, leaving you sweet and pungent.
That was pathetic.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not as good a liar as you are.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm leaving.
Wait! You're not finished with me yet! Do you mind? We're talking.
Okay, you win.
- What is it? - I've realized something.
I can't lie to you.
I wish I could.
It's just not something that I'm good at, like-- like actually, I'm good at everything.
- Can I tell you the truth? - Why not? The real truth is, you're delightful.
I love looking into your face.
I don't know what it is about you this evening, maybe it's the way the light hits your eyes, maybe it's the wine, but you look puffy-- you should go home and sleep.
Is that better? Sadly, yes.
May I walk you home? And be honest.
You know, if someone had told me a year ago that I'd be driving a car and sucking the flesh off a dead bird, I'd have called 'em a liar.
Being human is far more complex than I thought.
There is no absolute personal truth here, and these bodies don't come with an owner's manual.
So every day these people have to make up life, and truth becomes highly individual.
Oh, my god, Dick, what if this lying thing falls into the hands of the politicians? Ooh, that's a horrifying thought.
I think these humans bend the truth because this is a difficult place to live.
It's a lonely blue dot on the far end of the galaxy.
And all the half-truths and flattery and diplomacy are the lubricant that people spread on each other to get over the rough spots.
It's a lot easier on our planet.
No one ever lies.
Except, of course, when you don't want to help somebody move.
- I was sick that day.
- I helped you move.
- Sally: I had two boxes.
- Who packed the boxes? Sally: okay, listen, if we're gonna