3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - I Enjoy Being A Dick

Sally, where's my breakfast? I haven't had anything to eat since that bottle of ketchup you fixed me, not that it wasn't delicious.
Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on.
Now, I just can't get ready as fast as you guys.
Every morning I have to wash, dry, pluck, powder, dab, cleanse, deep cleanse, exfoliate, pop, curl, blow, and buff.
Well, that's far too complicated.
I usually just rinse, spit, unzip the parka, and voilà.
Sally, where's my breakfast? I'm working on it.
Harry, what are you doing on the floor? I have no idea.
But what is noble in a universe where entropy grips us in a fatal dance of nihilistic despair? - Why is he talking like this? - I don't know.
All I did was this.
Give me this.
If he's broken, it's going right into the report.
I wrote me a little song yesterday , and it goes something like this: hi-Dee hi hi-Dee ho, hi -Dee hi-Dee, hi-Dee, ho - what's with Harry? - I don't know.
He seems to be having a reaction to a crushing skull blow.
- What, with this? - Yeah.
Be careful.
We could actually hurt Harry.
Now, liberals want you to believe that more government is gonna solve your problems-- - hey.
- I'm sorry.
I couldn't live with that.
- Hurry, hurry! - I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Stop it, already.
- What took you so long? Her pants are tight.
She can't go too fast.
- What is the big emergency? - Look, it's just awful.
- I don't see anything.
- It's the dishes.
They're dirty, and we need a plate.
Don't you boys know how to wash a dish? - Of course not, that's Sally's job.
- That and killing spiders.
- Please.
- Dick: we wouldn't ask you, except Sally's mysteriously absent, and without a clean plate we could starve! Dick! Dick, come in here! Here she is.
You guys are not going to believe all the cute stuff I got today.
Everything came together like a well-oiled pistol.
I've got the last pair of size eight ferragamo slingbacks on layaway.
- I need 300 bucks.
- Why? Because without the shoes, the belt is a joke.
Lieutenant, we seem to be having a breakdown in communication because I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Of course you don't.
It's about women.
- Ah, the women's issue.
Oh.
Maybe if you would explain it to me, I would understand.
I've been explaining it to you since we got here.
One thing I do understand: this female obsession of yours is costing me a fortune.
All: spider! All right, fine, high commander.
Take it all back to the store and get your money back.
I'm going to get a job and make my own money.
I am sick and tired of having to justify myself to you every time something pretty goes on sale.
- Come on, Harry, you're going to get a job, too.
- I am? Yes, I will not go unaccessorized.
- I had that dream again last night.
- Which one? The one where I'm riding a tractor and smoking a big cigar.
Oh, you're ovulating.
- What? - Girl talk.
- Girl talk? I'm sorry, did that sound sexist? No, sexist would be if you told me I had a tight butt, then said if I didn't go to bed with you, I'd be fired.
I really don't think you'd understand what we were talking about.
I know what this is-- me man, me too thick to grasp girl talk.
Nina, are you going to that lecture series on Thursday? - Dr.
Natalie Blumfeld is speaking.
- Yes.
It sounds wonderful.
Can I come, too? It's really not for you.
It's a place where we can open up and share our feelings.
I have feelings.
It's a women's study group.
I'll take notes.
Please, let me come.
Does everything have to involve you? In a perfect world, yes.
I'll be very quiet.
You won't even know I'm there.
I think a man's presence would be inhibiting.
I said you won't even know I'm there! Don't take this personally.
It's not as if we were deliberately trying to exclude you.
- You want to have lunch now? - Sure.
I'd love to.
Fine! I'll have my lunch alone like a man.
My apple is so tiny.
These career tests are so stupid.
I mean, mine suggests I set my sights on optometry or horse training.
- What does yours say? - Astronaut.
Yeah, right, you flying around in space.
Me? No.
Like I know anything about anti-Matter containment vessels.
Tommy, you know what we should do? Backpack around Ireland for a few months.
- Yeah, yeah.
When? - After we graduate.
Oh.
Or, better yet, we could move to new York and rent a loft in the village with a view of the river.
It'll probably cost about but, you know, that's okay.
We'll find jobs in bookstores.
- Uh-huh.
- Tommy, give me some feedback.
It sounds great.
Then why are you being so noncommittal.
I-I I don't know.
Is it me? Oh, no, no, no, it's not you.
It's graduation.
I'm not sure if I'm even going to be here in five years.
I know what this is.
You don't want to commit to me because you're not sure I'm your soulmate.
When you're done sorting out your feelings, give me a call.
No, wait, August.
Wait, wait, wait.
I-- I think that we've reached a point in our relationship where I can tell you the truth about me.
- What? - August I care more about you than anything , and as long as I'm on this planet, I want to be with you.
There, now aren't you glad you sorted out your feelings? Oh, yeah.
- Oh, boy, did we luck out.
Not everybody can walk in off the street and get a job at a pancake house.
Harry, what are you doing? Well, the training manual said no hair below the shoulders.
Now, I don't think anybody's going to look there, but, uh you know, a rule's a rule.
Hey, um listen, I got a question for you.
We've been on this planet awhile now, and I was just wondering, if we were to tell someone we cared about where we were actually from, do you think it would be so dangerous? No, not at all, Tommy.
In fact, I've already told Mrs.
Dubcek and the mailman-- ooh, and that nice guy down at the minimart because I want us all to die like lab rats at the hands of primitive scientists! Okay.
Sally, I'm right again.
I returned to the store, I sent back your extravagant purchases, and I met a lovely saleswoman named Gwen, and the two of us effortlessly put together a thrifty yet stylish ensemble.
- Behold.
- Big deal.
It's just a little black dress.
Ah, to the untrained eye, but add a faux jacquard scarf and a pair of pearl button earrings, and look.
Ooh! And this skirt.
It's an economical acrylic blend, but look how it drapes.
And the vertical stripes are so slimming.
All: ah! - You like? - Nice.
All right, now, Sally, since I've opened your eyes to a whole new world of options, you can return me the favor.
Dr.
Albright belongs to a women's study group, and I must find out what she's doing there.
God knows you don't want to respect her boundaries.
Exactly.
Does August ever belong to a secret women's organization? Sure, the girl scouts.
But she got out because she thought the cookie-selling verged on racketeering.
Lieutenant, you have your assignment.
I can't help you, Dick.
As of today, I've suited up and joined the proud ranks of the work force.
Come on, Pepe! Wait a minute.
Lieutenant, please.
I'll show you 50 ways to tie a scarf.
- Tommy, could you-- - No, Dick.
I've got to find out what she's doing.
Hmm, a study group for women.
Women only.
I have to find someone to infiltrate this group, but who? Who? Hey, you got any real syrup? Why, yes, we do, sir, but may I suggest a dash of boysenberry to bring out the hidden oakiness in your otherwise common Vermont maple? Enjoy it, Mr.
Grabby.
Uh, whoa.
Let me ask you something.
- Was your service quick and courteous? - Yes.
Was your food hot and exactly what you ordered? - Yes.
- Move over, sweetie.
Then why is it, my friend, when I subtract your check from the amount on the tray, I come up with I didn't think you'd count it in front of me.
- But you're glad I did, now, aren't you? - Yes, ma'am.
Because now you understand that a tip is short for gratuity, and gratuity is short for gratitude.
- I never heard that, ma'am.
- Don't interrupt me.
Gratitude for a job well-done.
Now, 5% is not gratitude, mister, it's an invitation to an ass-kicking.
- Got it? - Got it.
Thank you.
Have a nice day! So, split ends-- is that serious? No, but they're driving me crazy.
Um, August, if I told you a secret, do you think you could handle it? You've been keeping secrets from me? This is not just any secret.
This is-- this is a really big secret.
You've been keeping big secrets from me? - Well, not just you.
- I've told you about my impetigo.
I know, I know, it made me feel very close to you.
But, see, my secret's a lot more serious than just a contagious skin rash.
- You don't trust me.
- No, no, it's not that.
I just don't want to go blabbing things out when I'm afraid there might be a fearful, ignorant reaction.
- I understand.
Good.
Oh, jeez, if I'd known you could just cut this off, I would have done it months ago.
- Welcome.
My name is Judith.
- Thank you, Judith.
We have beverages as well as hummus and pita, if you'd like.
Why not? I'm wearing control tops.
- Oh, pardon me.
- No, it's entirely my-- oh, my-- Nina, it's me, Dr.
Solomon.
Oh.
I'm wearing women's clothes.
Ah, that's it.
Wait right here.
Dr.
Albright.
Dr.
Albright.
- Nina, can't this wait? - I don't think so.
Dr.
Blumfeld is in the middle of a very interesting story.
- Yeah? Well, mine's better.
- You're hurting my arm.
- Okay.
- Where were we? Mary, let's not monopolize Dr.
Blumfeld.
Have a seat.
All right, ladies, we're ready to begin.
Everybody settle.
I'll just squeeze in over here.
Hello.
What are you doing here? Do you hate me? Don't be ridiculous.
Do you ever have this little voice in your head that says this might be a bad idea? Woman: shh! I'd like to start by having everyone ask herself a question: how am I censoring myself? What am I doing to inhibit my relationship with those around me by concealing my true self? - I have a thought on that.
- Don't you dare.
Yes.
I work in an office, and I find that I have to censor my feelings just to fit in.
I'm often excluded, and whenever I do summon the courage to express my desire to be embraced by the group, I find myself muzzled and squelched by them.
We're here to support each other.
Please go on.
And you are? Dicki Jo.
- Dicki Jo? - Don't mock me.
I'm being excluded and sequestered because of my sex.
I can feel the air change in the room when I walk in, and I just think it's so unfair.
Just stop it.
Stop it.
Big girl.
Pretty, but big.
I will not.
Why do women have to close themselves off? They don't.
Let it out.
I wouldn't encourage Dicki Jo.
Mary, let her speak.
Yeah, you go, girl! Mary, why do you withhold, pretending there's something inside you that I can't understand? We're both grown-ups.
What are you afraid of? - Not here, not now.
- Dr.
Blumfeld is right.
We can't hold ourselves back any longer.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Me! Go away! It's too late.
I'm here.
- I knew it all along.
- Me, too.
Hey.
I just wanted to say that I've invested a lot in this relationship, and if you think you can treat me this way, you're wrong.
Your hair looks really good.
Oh, thanks.
August, I can't stand this anymore.
I have to tell you something.
You're not going to believe this at first.
It might even make you sick.
It's about my family.
Well, that was a wash.
The woman I love won't let me be a woman.
I need some herbal tea and a fat-free cookie.
Listen, August, what I needed to tell you was that-- don't speak, Tommy.
Don't speak.
So, Harry, how much did we make? - I'll get our tip jar.
- Whew! You know, I have never been so fulfilled.
For the first time as a human, I feel a sense of accomplishment and worth.
Wow! $27.
15.
Come on.
You must have missed a couple of hundreds.
Let me see this.
I worked eight stinkin' hours for a lousy pile of pennies? I could've found this in a couch.
- Remember, we're splitting it.
- Shut up! $27.
15? Ooh! And a mento.
Not a mento.
These just came for you.
If you think flowers can repair the damage, you are so wrong.
They're not from him.
They're from Judith.
- You want me to read the card? - No.
- Please? - No! Well, another place I will never be able to go to again.
Why not? They were very supportive.
Did you learn nothing about women? I did.
You are the biggest fool I have ever known.
Really, is that what you think? To say that you behaved childishly is an insult to children everywhere.
That's it, open up.
Talk to me.
I am a merry-go-round person.
You are a tilt-a-whirl person.
This is good.
Tell me your feelings.
Before you came into this office, I had a very sane and ordered life.
I could go for weeks without explaining myself, and now the sky's the limit! You drive me crazy! - I do all this to you? - Yes! Well, I must be a pretty exciting guy.
- Now, that's good.
Now we're communicating.
Now I know what you're thinking.
What am I thinking? You like me.
You really like me.
Sally, is there anything you'd like to tell me as a woman? I think I'm enlightened enough now to hear it.
Ah, well, men are always bossing you around.
No one ever says "thank you.
" And you're expected to clean up after everyone.
Are you talking about being a woman or a waitress? Waitress, woman-- same thing.
I just never realized how many people here are in the service of others.
Well, everybody here sells his time for money.
It's like taking a mortgage against your life.
Yeah, well, my life is worth more than minimum wage and the occasional slice of free pie.
I've just got to figure out what it is I really want to do.
I think you should.
Everybody needs a goal.
Yeah, I want to let my hair grow back.
I want to make the world a better place.
I want to bring mankind the gift of electricity.
- They have electricity.
- Ah.
Then my work is done.