3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick the Vote

I love these Saturdays in the park.
The soft grass, the chirping birds, the "eyewitness news" team.
( Group chanting ) Save the park! Save the park! Makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs like those people.
Let's eat over there! No! I prefer this table! It's in the shade! Hey, look! A butterfly! Hey, look, Sally! It's your friend don! - Sally.
- Don.
A word to the wise.
There's trouble in the park today.
Trouble? Uh-oh.
I better take care of my baby.
- What is it? - Sometimes a wrinkle runs through the city, and it rears up on its haunches like an ugly monkey ready to strike.
Don, you always have your finger up the pulse of danger.
Protesters: Save the park! Save the park! Save the park! Save the park! Save the park! Save the park! Hey, man, you want to sign this petition? The town's going to destroy bates park.
Uh maybe in a little while.
There's no time.
The dozers are on their way.
Okay.
I've chained myself to the tree.
- Oh! - Sir, sir, excuse me.
Is it true you've chained yourself to that tree? Yes, that's exactly what I've done.
So you won't free yourself even though the city bulldozers are on their way? No, I cannot do that.
( Protesters cheer ) He may be an organized protester, he may be a rogue Mountain man, but one thing's for sure-- he may be a hero.
We got it.
( '50s rock music playing ) ( Overlapping dialogue ) Is it on the right channel? Man on TV: Some of the stories we're tracking at this hour: - A fire breaks out in a nursing home - Ooh! A search for survivors continues at the parma heights mudslide, and in our science watch, a vet performs an operation that allows a cat to smile for the first time.
All: Aw! That's the happiest cat in the world.
Tonight's top story: A protest in bates park.
- Look! I'm on TV! - You're wearing my shirt.
My shirt's on television.
( Phone rings ) Harry on TV: That's exactly what I've done.
Hello? Yes, Harry Solomon lives here.
Okay.
Hold on.
Harry has a phone call.
A phone call.
My first phone call.
- How do I look? - You look fine.
( Deep voice ) Hello.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
I'll have to talk it over with my family.
Okay.
Bye.
- Who was that? - It's a member from the independent party.
They saw me on TV.
They want me to run for city council.
What's city council? I think it's some sort of council here in the city.
Council? According to my civics class, that's government.
Oh! Oh, this is big.
This is big.
We do not want to get involved in this.
This will allow us to get on the inside, see how it works.
What about our vow not to alter the course of the planet? Please.
It's only politics.
We dive in, master it, grab a few votes, get a little action.
Nobody gets hurt.
Harry, call those people back and tell them you'll run.
- You're the boss.
- Sally, Tommy, you advise Harry on his campaign.
- I'm going to register to vote.
- Shouldn't we all vote? No.
We don't want to arouse suspicion.
One in four seems right.
Here's a list of candidates and referendums.
So you're all set.
You come back here in two weeks to vote.
Right.
And how many times do I get to vote? One time.
And it doesn't matter that I'm brilliant? No.
Have you noticed how tall I am? We all get one vote.
- So your opinion counts equally with mine? - You got it.
You're awfully smug for a man who works at a folding table.
Okay, let's see.
For mayor, heckie mulligan.
Hmm, funny name.
I like that in a mayor.
Heckie mulligan? How can you vote for heckie mulligan? Nina, can you believe that? How do you know I'm not voting for mulligan? I thought you were a democrat.
Why do you think I'm a democrat? Because I'm black? - Go ahead, vote for mulligan.
- I'm not voting for mulligan.
Wait, I don't understand.
Why are you getting so worked up over politics? It's simple.
You vote for the best man.
The best man wins.
- Or woman.
- ( Suppressed laughter ) Wh-- oh, that's priceless.
What, heckie's a woman? Frank gansmiller.
Glad to know you.
Hey, Betty, the new speed bump keeping the teenagers away? Great.
Good.
Norma, tom, Patty, Cathy, Carl.
Too bad about that warehouse fire.
I'm glad to hear the "insurance" came through.
Harry Solomon.
I've never seen you before in my life.
Hi, I'm Harry Solomon, a simple mind for a simple people.
I can't believe Dr.
Solomon is letting his brother run against gansmiller.
- No one can dig up the dirt like gansmiller.
- The man's a backhoe.
It's a piece of equipment.
( Inhales ) - Don? - Sally, what brings you here? My brother threw his head into the ring.
- You mean his hat? - Yeah, sure, his hat.
- What brings you here? - Oh, the usual-- looking for trouble, making sure it doesn't happen.
- Punch? - Take your best shot.
( Growls ) - Frank gansmiller.
- Dick Solomon.
- Nice to know you, dick.
- I feel it only fair to warn you that your challenger is my brother Harry, and I am not easily swayed.
- I'll keep that in mind.
- Mary, this is Frank gansmiller.
- This must be the little lady? - ( Chuckles ) This must be the little man.
Mary.
Dick, it's all right, as long as Mary turns out to vote-- - although I don't know if you're old enough to vote.
- Yes, she is.
She's 44.
Mr.
gansmiller-- Frank, when I do vote, it won't be for you.
Mary, dick, let me get serious for just a moment.
"Why should I vote for Frank gansmiller? " You ask.
I didn't ask.
Mary won't let me get away with anything, will she, dick? Not a thing, Frank.
Why should I vote for Frank gansmiller, Frank? Good question, dick.
Because I want to take money out of the drug dealers' pockets and give it back to the people.
Oh, Frank's right.
I want some of that drug money.
All right, everybody.
It's time to hear from our candidates.
First up, our incumbent, Frank gansmiller.
Thank you.
No, no.
You know what? You all know me.
- Let's give the new kid a chance.
- Yes, yes.
- This is a great man.
- Dick, sit.
( Audience cheering ) Thank you, fellow Rutherfordonianites.
Anyway, I'm here because of all you people-- men, women.
Of course, if I had my way, there'd be a lot more women.
You know, on any given day, I see maybe one, two women, tops.
I want to see more women.
Everywhere I go, more women.
More women in the workplace, yes! Okay.
Vote Harry s.
Solomon.
The "s" stands for know-how.
I'm sorry, snow-how.
Turn it off.
I've seen enough.
All right, what do you got on him? Nothing.
He's clean.
Nothing? Must have something rotten in his past.
- He's human, isn't he? - I've done every background check personally.
There's nothing.
It's like he Fell out of the sky.
- What about drinking? - No.
- Gambling? - No.
- Bad checks? Tax evasion? - No.
Pornography? Drug addiction? Bad hairpiece? No! Zero divided by zero, zip, nada, bubkes.
Bubkes, huh? Wh-what does "bubkes" mean? - Nothing.
- Yeah, I thought so.
You know, it's almost as if he were Amish.
Damn! No past, no experience, no record.
The perfect candidate.
Wait a minute.
- What about that sister of his? - You leave her out of it! Ooh! Copper's got a girlfriend.
Should there be a toll on the cherry street bridge? Well, I never use it.
- Yes.
- Yes.
But what if I start using it? - No.
- Smart money on no.
What am I thinking? There's nothing good on cherry street.
Yes.
No! No-- yes! A resounding no-yes.
( Sighs ) Okay, let's move on to the candidates.
This should be a no-brainer.
City council, district nine? Harry Solomon.
Y-yeah.
What? Don't tell me you're voting for gansmiller.
- Don't tell me you're voting for Harry.
- Yes, I'm voting for Harry.
- Then you're voting wrong.
- There's no such thing as voting wrong.
Yes, there is.
You're doing it.
You're making a mockery of this whole election by voting wrong.
It's my vote.
I get to use it any way I want.
What's the point of having a democracy if people go around voting wrong? In my opinion, democracy is doing just fine the way it is.
Well, your opinion is wrong! I can't believe you're voting against your own brother.
- Ha! Just watch me.
- Dick! You're not going to vote for me? Well, that hurts.
And I know because I feel your pain.
But Harry Solomon is not worried Because Harry Solomon knows that Harry Solomon can win.
Oh! How can you possibly win? Because Harry Solomon appeals to both sides.
- Vote for Harry Solomon.
- Ow! - Hi! - Hey, Mrs.
dubcek.
You want a button? Yeah! I'm glad Harry is standing up for good old-fashioned family values.
You could learn from this lesson, Sally.
Never date a guy if he's not good to his wife and kids.
- Don.
- Sally.
We have to talk.
Your brother is playing with matches, and that's how fires start.
I know my way around a hose.
This election could turn ugly, very ugly.
I shouldn't be telling you this, but I had to warn you.
You're the only thing in my life that isn't dirty.
A girl can't stay clean forever in a town like this.
Don't talk like that, Sally.
You've got a great pair of getaway sticks.
Now use 'em.
Come on, don.
Be straight with me.
You owe me that much.
Follow the money, Sally.
- Follow the money.
- ( Gasps ) ( Whispers ) Solomon.
( Whispers ) Gansmiller.
- Glad you came.
- Wow.
That's something I don't hear very often.
Solomon, this election means a lot to me.
What do you say we cut a deal? Well, what sort of deal? You drop out of the race, I'll make you building inspector.
Why do I want to be building inspector? Because when the building inspector looks the other way, he gets an envelope.
Well, what if the building inspector doesn't look the other way? He always looks the other way.
Well, what's so special the other way? - The envelope.
- Well, what's in the envelope? I don't have to tell you what's in the envelope.
You don't have to, but I sure would appreciate it.
Look, what will it take you to drop out of this race? Well, don't ask me.
I'm not the one who makes the decisions.
- You aren't? - No, never have, never will.
I just sort of follow orders.
- Whose? - Well, we sort of have a leader.
- "We"? - The family.
The family.
Thank you, Solomon.
Thank you very much.
( Theme from "the godfather" playing ) TV announcer: Harry Solomon.
How much do we really know about him? He claims to be a family man, but what kind of family? There's no hard proof that the solomons are linked to the gambinis, the genoveses, and the corleones, but is that a risk you're willing to take? Harry Solomon-- an offer you can refuse.
Paid for by decent, God-fearing citizens for gansmiller.
Don't say that.
We can't be in the mob.
We're from Ohio.
That's terrible.
Oh, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
Dick, dick.
You are so out of the game.
That was a gimme.
He mentioned my name like 20 times.
That was great publicity.
But he's a liar.
Dick, let me talk to you like you're a two-year-old.
You know how when you see a commercial for cheerios, and they keep showing you cheerios, and you really want cheerios Do we have any cheerios? ( Kissing sound ) - ( All murmuring ) - ( Bug gibbers ) - What? - Nothing, sir.
I'm sorry I'm late, sir.
- What are you doing? - I'm kissing your ring.
- I'm not wearing a ring.
- I'm sorry.
Please don't have me whacked.
Whacked? What kind of nonsense is this? Well, sir, we just want to pay you the proper respects.
- We didn't know.
- Know what? About your family connections, don Solomon.
It's that stupid ad.
It's a complete and utter lie.
- I would hope you people would know better.
- ( All murmur ) Good, because I've had all I can take of this election foolishness.
- ( All scream ) - Oh! This is ridiculous! Your political system is a sham! It's nothing but lies and propaganda.
Look what it's done to you.
You can't even tell who's good or bad or right or wrong.
Give me science.
At least with physics, - you know when you have the right answer.
- I never do.
Cannoli? Oh, I'll be so glad when this election is over.
Here.
Do something with this.
I'm so confused.
I hardly even know what I'm doing.
You're sitting on your cannoli.
( Groans, shrieks ) Look at this! Everything's out of control! - What's wrong? - What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong.
I'm trying to vote my conscience, and I can't even hear it anymore.
I have only two choices for city council-- a professional liar and my brother, the joke.
( Groans ) Neither of them should even be running for office.
There is no choice.
My only choice is not to vote at all.
Democracy is horrible, absolutely horrible! You're so right.
Democracy is the worst form of government there is, - except for all of the others - ( Groans ) And that is exactly why you have to vote.
- No! - Yes! - No! - Yes! If you don't vote, you can't complain.
Complaining is all I have left.
The system isn't perfect, but it's important to participate, even if you get it wrong.
Just go to the polls and do what you think is right.
Things were so much simpler where I come from.
There's only one big giant office, and whoever outruns the fireball wins.
( Blubbers ) ( Wailing ) ( Banging ) ( Panting ) ( Sobs ) Oh, God, I hope I did the right thing.
Man on TV: And the results for city council are in.
The incumbent, Frank gansmiller, is the winner.
( All cheer ) So I would be The loser.
Okay.
Okay.
I'd like to thank you all for supporting-- all righty.
Harry, I want you to know that I voted for you.
Man on TV: And to top off this night of firsts, there was also one write-in vote for a Dr.
Mary albright.
That self-serving bitch.
I just had to come over and say great job, kid.
It was a tough campaign all around.
Glad to see no one went negative.
Is that envelope job still available? No.
Tough luck, kiddo, but your family's better off.
You spend your life around garbage, you start to stink.
I don't like the taste of losing, don.
It tastes like a bad egg.
You know, the kind that gives you the burps.
During this election, I've done some things, Sally, some things I'm not so proud of.
Did I know better? Sure.
But it's this This town, this crazy town.
Makes you want to brush your teeth.
You're in luck.
I'm packin'.
So, Dr.
Solomon, did you hear someone voted for me? Yes, I think I did hear that somewhere.
- I wonder where that vote could have come from.
- Who knows? It is a secret ballot.
It was me, Dr.
albright.
I voted for you.
No, you didn't! How do you know? It was a secret ballot.
Damn! I think we should vote for who's high commander.
- Sure.
We're in a democracy.
- Can we vote for ourselves? - Of course.
I vote for me.
- I vote for me.
- I vote for me.
- I vote for me.
High commander breaks the tie.
I win.
Let's vote again.
This time I vote for Harry.
This is America.
You've got to wait four years.
- That's not fair.
- Whoa! God bless America.