3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - World's Greatest Dick

Come on, I want to go to the magic shop.
Harry, Sally, go get some change.
We'll wait here with the car.
I got to get new sneakers.
My toes are bursting out of these things.
I just bought you those three months ago.
- You know you're a freak, don't you? - Leave me alone.
- I'm growing.
- If it were just the growing, but for every inch you sprout, you become that much more insolent - and do that much worse in school.
- So what? You're going to become the world's tallest idiot.
Why are you on my case? I just can't stomach another of those interminable parent-teacher conferences.
Look, I did not ask to be the teenager, okay? You made me.
"Lone star drilling company.
" - I bet they have change.
- Yeah.
Oil men are rich.
( Techno pop music playing ) Well, check you out.
You look just like a real woman.
That's what I was going for.
You know, I still can't get used to those mood swings.
Way to commit, girl.
I'll be right back.
Are you familiar with the art of illusion? Hi there.
Hi there.
Could you change a dollar? For you I could change anything.
You know, I don't see a lot of men as good-looking as you.
I don't see a lot of men as good-looking as you.
Well, we're fabulous, aren't we? Oh, yeah.
( '50s rock music playing ) Hello, hello, hello! You've got a visitor.
- Dr.
Solomon, I'm Candace Ballard.
- Hello.
What do you want? I'm Tommy's guidance counselor.
And, by the way, my guidance counselor might stop by tonight.
Didn't I tell you to become the model student? - I did.
I've aced every test.
- Then what's she doing here? I don't know.
I'm brilliant, not clairvoyant.
Is it too much to ask that you just once make me a proud father? It's not my mission to make you proud.
- It is if I say so.
- It is not! - Say it's your mission.
- No! Say it's your mission.
Say it, say it.
It's my mission.
( Clears throat ) Is everything all right? - Everything's fine.
- Then I'll see you LA-- you get back in here and sit down! - Sit down.
- Thank you.
- Give me your coat.
- Okay.
How am I supposed to learn if you keep letting me out? ( Chuckles ) Well, I have some news.
Maybe you'd better sit down.
( Sighs ) Tommy scored higher on the national merit quiz than anyone in Ohio's history.
- It's not my fault! - That's a good thing.
No, that's a good thing.
You should be proud.
You've raised a very bright boy.
I'm sorry.
Could you repeat that? You've raised a very bright boy? No one's ever said that to me before.
Say it again.
- Well, actually, I wanted-- - no, just say it! I love that-- the bright boy part.
Say it! Bright boy.
In fact, he's done so well, I think he should transfer to the pickney country day school for the gifted.
Because I raised a gifted son? Yes! Look at what you've already given him-- the stimulation, the nurturing, and not to mention The genes he inherited.
You're right.
I do give a lot as a father.
Oh! ( Pops ) Sally.
There's something I have to tell you about your boyfriend.
He cooks, he loves the arts, he wears great shoes, and he's single.
What's your point? Sally, marry this man.
Tommy! Come in here! Tommy! Great news.
I'm sending you to the pickney school where our accomplishments will be recognized.
What?! No, I don't want to go.
- I'll have to leave all my friends.
- Stop thinking of yourself.
Think of me and how proud I'll be.
- He'll go.
- Wonderful.
A little something to graze on.
I'm out.
I'm out of the closet.
I love this family.
What is dick's problem? - I don't want to go to the pickney school.
- Of course you don't.
Your father's a Professor.
By rejecting education, you're rejecting him.
Rejection's the most powerful weapon there is.
Well, maybe on earth.
I know this is going to be miserable.
I already hate it there.
You know, all those brainy girls are going to be ugly.
Are you saying that intelligent girls are, by definition, unattractive? Yeah, most of them are.
Oh, w-- well, not all of them are.
I mean-- in fact, on the graph of smart girls and the graph of pretty ones, you're the sole intersection, the single point of perfection in an infinity of stupid and homely.
You are gifted.
Gloria gaynor on sound system: I will survive as long as I know how to love I know i will stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive hey, hey You're smokin'.
I guess my body just responds to the classics.
They're having a dance contest here next week.
- We'd be unbeatable.
- Especially if we target our key competition and sever their achilles tendons.
- ( Laughs ) - What? You're just so great.
You're a warrior in a world full of phonies.
You're not afraid to be who you are.
You're in the military, and you wear a dress.
I just want to be all that I can be.
You're the strongest person I've ever met.
Somebody new I know.
( Wolf whistle ) Tommy, we're thrilled to have you here.
Solomon, as a parent and educator, kudos to you.
You've raised a very special boy.
Yes, I have.
And you've had the foresight to bring him to the right place.
Well, I am the high commander.
Well, people of brilliance can't be expected to function in a society that's run by intellectual midgets.
That's what we always say.
( Hearty chuckling ) Yes, yes, you and Tommy have found a home here at the pickney.
It's not just for exceptional students.
It's for exceptional parents.
Then you must be delighted to meet me.
( Knock at door ) Ah, aramis, thanks for stopping by.
Tommy, consider aramis pickney's welcome wagon.
I'm here to show you what's wired and what's tired.
Somebody shoot me in the head.
Well, Dr.
menard, now that the children are away, let's discuss me at great length.
( Door opens ) ( Footsteps ) Oh, hey! How was your day? Great.
I am the king of dorkopolis.
My liege.
Lookin' good.
Dick, feelin' stupid.
Oh, dick! You've got money in your shoes.
Ooh! You've got money in your shoes.
I want money shoes.
Harry, no, money shoes are for pickney students and pickney parents only.
Oh rats.
Tommy, look at this.
First in your class.
You're a genius.
- ( Groans ) - You've made me so proud, son.
Is there anything you need? Money? A ride somewhere? Cuff links? Can I build you a darkroom? Anything you want-- name it, it's yours.
I want to go back to my old school.
Cuff links it is.
Don't put bumper stickers on my car.
Why do you think it was me? "I am the proud secretary for the father of the smartest kid at pickney.
" It may have been me.
Dick, did you see this article about Tommy in the paper? Tommy, my son, the child genius? Yes, that Tommy.
"Finest to compete in pickney's knowledge bowl.
Smartest kid expected to win.
" ( Mutters ) Ah, here it is.
"Tommy's father, Dr.
dick Solomon, physics Professor at nearby Pendleton university, reminds people that genius is and 99% brilliant father.
" You don't think I overstated my influence, do you? No.
And hip, and hip, and hip, hip, hip.
Now the arms, and arms, and out, and in.
And, Sally, you're leading again.
I keep forgetting I'm the girl.
I've got to go.
I'm getting my chest waxed.
Uh hey, you want to come? - I've got a coupon.
- No, I prefer to tweeze.
I'm not usually attracted to your type, but you are something special.
Well, what you see is what you get.
- So you're pretty into him, huh? - I think he might be the one.
( Door closes, footsteps ) Why would I want to wax my chest? Okay, Tommy, I read that you're competing in the knowledge bowl.
- So what? - So, we have to review.
What?! Dick, that's stupid.
I'm the information officer.
I know everything.
Maybe, maybe not.
What's that supposed to mean? How about physics In Russian? ( Speaking Russian ) ( Speaking Russian ) Wrong.
It's ( Speaking Russian ) You asked the question wrong.
If you want it ( Speaks Russian ) You should have asked ( Speaking Russian ) Famous ontologists in Greek.
( Speaking Greek ) ( Speaking Greek ) Bryant gumbel.
In the form of a question.
( Speaking Greek ) Bryant gumbel? Whatever! Poets of the li river delta.
Complete huang po's classic couplet of love and betrayal.
( Speaking Chinese ) ( Speaking Chinese ) ( Growls ) ( Speaking Chinese ) ( Both speaking Chinese ) ( Groans ) Hmm.
( Chokes ) This isn't even a so-called life.
Oh! Well, as Harry Houdini once said, pick a card, any card.
It's my mission to be a teenager, but right now I hate my father, I hate my school, and my life seems hopeless.
Some teenager I am.
- Cut the deck.
- If I'm going to do my job, I've got to be in a real school, one with metal detectors and pregnant cheerleaders.
Fold the edges of your card ever so slightly.
Why am I even putting myself through all this? So dick can feel proud? Pick another card, add the value, multiply it by four.
So, I mean, this whole thing's crazy.
I'm not dick's son.
I'm the information officer.
I've got to bring this mission back on course.
Write the number on your arm so that I cannot see it.
- There's only one thing left to do-- - shuffle.
All right.
We're okay as long as none of those are clubs.
Pick a card.
Ta-da! Remember to phrase your answer in the form of an answer.
Okay, next question: "Tabula Rasa" is a Latin term meaning what? Tommy knows this one.
What's wrong with him? - ( Dings ) - "Tabula Rasa" - means blank slate.
- That is correct.
- ( Grunts ) - He's probably just nervous.
Relax, damn you! Relax! Which impressionist painter is known for his series of water lilies? - ( Dings ) - That's a very easy one, Dr.
The answer is Picasso.
No! - ( Dings ) - The answer is Claude monet.
Solomon, competition is essential to learning.
Bite me.
What is the outer envelope, or atmosphere, of gas surrounding the sun called? ( Dings ) Ooh, mmm That's a toughie.
- ( Groans ) - Dr.
menard: You have 10 seconds.
( Grunts ) ( Groans ) Hah! Five seconds.
Three, two, one.
It's called the corona! You've been there! You know that! Dick, come on.
He's trying.
He's your son.
Son? He's not my son.
I have no son! ( Rattles ) Ah! Oh.
Let's go win us a contest.
Why don't you wear that little red number you've got? - It'll look better with my outfit.
- But I look so hot.
You must have something flashier than that.
Let me see your closet.
- Fine.
Help me with the zipper.
- Don't worry.
I'm very good at this.
Slip out of that dress.
Oh! Oh! Look, I've made a big, big mistake.
- What's wrong? What did I do? - How can I put this? I expected more.
What, I'm not your kind of woman? Oh, Sally, you are a woman.
Well, what did you think I was?! ( Door closes ) Wow.
I have never seen such reprehensible behavior.
I don't blame you if you have to expel Tommy.
Solomon, we still consider Tommy pickney material.
It is you who are banned from the pickney.
I'm banned? Well, guess what.
Tommy didn't even want to come to this robot factory outlet.
I made him.
Me, me, me! And now I'm putting him back in a real school where he can be himself, the kind of school where kids aren't judged on how well they test or how much they know, where they aren't judged at all, where they have the freedom to stay faceless and nameless from "k" through 12, carrying their diplomas straight through the golden arches and on into their waiting mcjobs! Come on, Tommy.
We're going home.
Thank you, sir.
- ( Slaps ) - Ah! Dick and Tommy were the best of pals.
But then, one day, dick used Tommy to make himself look good.
Now, to get back at him, Tommy used dick to make dick look very bad.
Now, apart they were just two separate handkerchiefs.
- Oh, shut up, Harry.
- Shut up, Harry.
But then, magically, they got back together.
Why did you do that to me? I don't know.
I guess 'cause you made my life suck.
- Why didn't you just tell me that? - I tried to.
You were impenetrably happy.
What is it about the father-son relationship that makes communication so difficult? Is it the father using his son to make good on his unfulfilled dreams? Or is it the son defining himself by rejecting his father? It's neither.
It's both.
It's men.
And how did you acquire this new expertise? Oh, yeah.
What happened with Glenn? Well, remember when we said that two sexes must be so limiting? I think Glenn found a loophole.
I will survive hey, hey.
You're a precocious kid, but this is a game of wisdom.
All right, old man, let's settle this once and for all.
- Checkmate! - Oh, damn it! Oh! Oh, wait.
My rook can take your-- oh.