3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Romeo & Juliet & Dick

- Dick, I need a favor.
- Uh, not now, Tommy.
I'm doing research.
I'm finding out what happens when the spit hits the fan.
No, dick, look, this is important.
- Take a look at this.
- Actors on acting? Yeah.
You know how you're always trying to find new ways to explore the human feelings? Ah, "using your emotional memory, the search for emotional truth will stimulate your emotional juices.
" "Emotional juices"? I love my juices.
This is exciting! Yeah, I knew you'd like it.
That's why I volunteered you to direct our school play.
- Me, direct? As in, control? - Yeah, it's Romeo and Juliet.
August wants to play Juliet, and if you direct, you can cast me as Romeo.
I'll do it! That's so great, 'cause there are some major make-out scenes.
And also some really powerful emotional stuff.
I get to die.
I can just see it now on the marquee-- "dick Solomon directs a dick Solomon production of dick Solomon's Romeo and Juliet.
" - Yeah, whatever.
- Hmm.
"Naturally, an actor must play the truth of the scene and not indulge in emotion for its own sake.
" Well, anyone knows that.
I didn't know you were interested in acting.
Well, yes, I am, but what I really want to do is direct.
I'm not saying that I couldn't act.
I could be very convincing.
Light comedy-- ( forced laughter ) Horror-- ( Hysterical screaming ) Tragedy.
( Sobbing ) - Morning.
- Look, Mary! I'm distraught! Or am I? - Okay.
You have a registered letter.
- Oh, what is it? Damn, damn, damn! I owe $1,500 in parking tickets.
So they finally caught up with you.
Guess I'll have to dip into my savings.
Oh, no, no, I couldn't bear to let you do that.
I'll pay them.
- You will? - No.
I'm acting! ( '50s rock music playing ) ( Mouthing words ) Man on videotape: Lo, and resolve itself Dick! Dick, guess what? Ms.
dubcek's giving me all her old junk.
Yeah, I've got some friends dropping by I haven't seen in 10 years.
I'm cleaning out the place.
There's some really great stuff in here.
Solomon, if you want to come down, - I'll let you rummage through my tchotchkes.
- Oh, I'm-- I'm flattered, Mrs.
dubcek, but I think of you more as a friend.
- What are you watching? - Oh, it's Hamlet with Lawrence "Oliver.
" I've watched it three times already.
I like the way he makes his voice - go up and down like that.
- I know.
It makes everything he says sound so Fruity? - No, important! - Oh.
Hey, guys.
You still watching that stuff? It's not "stuff," it's Hamlet.
Yeah, but why do they have to talk that way? I can't follow the story.
Hamlet? The story is as old as time.
Pretty-boy son has a rich daddy and a good-looking mommy.
The Uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy, and he cuts pretty boy out of the action.
So junior goes crazy and he kills them all.
Not a pretty story, but there it is.
Isn't that the plot to the lion king? Oh, please! - I need your help, don.
I'm in a bit of a scrape.
- Figures.
Dames like you always attract trouble.
I got another parking ticket.
Can you fix it, don, or Am I leaning too hard? Go ahead and lean, baby.
- Don'll make the ticket go away.
- ( Gasps ) You can make parking tickets disappear? Of course he can.
Don has connections downtown.
I have a friend who has some parking tickets.
- I can't always-- - don can fix it, right? - Well, uh-- - right? - Sure.
- Oh, this is just great! Oh, I can't wait to tell Mary.
Some of you will not be cast.
Those will be the lucky ones.
Over the long and grueling rehearsal period, I will be your director, your teacher, your mentor, your mother, your father, your lover! My assistant, Nina, will read your names.
- Nina? - Okay, um, Timothy mafferty-- he's reading mercutio.
( Clears throat ) "True, I talk of dreams, which-- yes, yes, yes, of course.
But have you tried it like this? Make your voice go high, and then suddenly bring it down.
"True, I speak of dreams which are but children of an idle ( Low register ) Brain, begot of nothing but vain fan ( Low register ) Tasies.
" From now on, I want everyone to try to speak that way.
Oh, oh, and use your hands a lot.
We're acting.
Remember that.
Remind me never to ask you for another favor again.
- You weren't right for the role.
- Hey, how'd the audition go? I lost the part.
The director didn't think I was good enough.
You were good.
You had delivery, presence, timing.
You just didn't have that indefinable something extra.
I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend.
Is that too much to ask? Romeo and Juliet is a shakespearian tragedy.
It has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend.
Go ahead, Dr.
Hello, don.
Solomon thought you might be able to help me with this.
Well, I have been known to bend a few-- ( gasps ) You have $1,500 in fines.
- And, poof, they're gone.
- I can't "poof" this many tickets.
One more, and she'd be in handcuffs.
- I was going to pay them.
- What happened? I didn't.
Well, maybe if you got a lenient judge, he might reduce the fine.
Your court date is on the 27th.
Twenty-seventh-- oh.
Judge debelko.
- Sounds bad.
Is it bad? - It's bad.
You'd be better off with judge Conti.
Now, when I go to court, should I apologize to judge Conti or just show some remorse? Actually, it might be helpful if you'd show some cleavage.
- He can't be serious.
- Trust me.
We're gonna paint your face and hike your puppies.
I know what I'm doing.
- Right don? - ( Chuckling ) "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou"-- yes, yes.
Very lovely.
Darling, what are you playing? Fear, love, lust? Because the audience is playing boredom.
I'm playing Juliet, - and it's really hard for me to concentrate when you-- - props? Where's props? - What? - This candlestick is 18th-century English.
- Shakespeare was English.
- True.
But the play is set in verona.
Please, Tommy, I'm struggling to wring a performance out of this ragtag company of mannequins from the junior miss department.
I can't do your job too.
In the future I suggest you leave it lay.
Now, everyone watch once again as I act out the play in its entirety.
Nina, Nina, read me in.
Curtain rises.
A big, pompous blowhard flounces onto the stage.
Listen, I'm really sorry you had to be the prop guy, 'cause, you know, if you were cast as Romeo, we could have done some serious making out.
We-- we could make out right now.
With the prop guy? Ha! Sorry.
Hey, what you makin'? An authentic renaissance sleeping potion.
Now I just have to find an Oh.
Well, I find Galileo "vile.
" Well, this is the final box.
- I am beat.
- Oh, thank you.
You want some juice? Oh, please.
I'll have to introduce you to my friends when they drop by.
They're lovely, very nice.
There's Diane and her husband and Jimmy.
Jimmy's an old flame.
I knew he'd come back for more.
Come back for more what? I said, "come back for more what?" - ( Screaming ) - What happened? Oh, great! You let her drink the prop? Well, at least we know it works.
I beg for justice, which thou, prince, must give.
Romeo slew tybalt, Romeo must not live.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! You are lady capulet.
Your kinsman tybalt has been killed! He's dead! You're asking for justice, not extra pickles on your happy burger.
Justice! You're supposed to act! Now bleed! Just act! Now act! - I can't act, Dr.
- Yes, you can! I can't-- I can't act.
Do your lines.
Now, now! I beg for justice, which thou, prince, must give.
Romeo slew tybalt, Romeo must not live.
I want everyone to take a good look at Cheryl, because Cheryl is an actor.
Hello? Damn it, voice mail.
- ( Beeps ) - Hello, Dr.
albright? This is sergeant-- this is a friend with a message.
Don't come to court today.
There's been a change in plans.
Next, Dr.
Mary albright? Here, your honor.
Sally, didn't you get my messages? - What messages? - They switched judges.
I've been calling all morning.
You're charged with $1,500 in outstanding fines.
- How do you plead? - All I can say is I'm so sorry, and I throw myself on the mercy of the court.
albright, will you please approach this bench? You have a very big bench.
I don't know what this little charade is about.
- We're trying to influence you.
- Sergeant, please remove that woman.
Doesn't he know who you are? You have a gun, don! Use it! Dr.
albright, you have influenced this court.
- Really? - I am fining you the full amount plus court costs plus $500 for contempt.
- But, your honor-- - next.
Thank you so much! The one time that I can help the woman I love, and your friend don falls through! It was just an ironic twist of fate.
Don't blame don.
I don't want you hanging around that police station any more, you hear me? - Fine, I'll go to his place.
- Oh, no, you won't.
- Oh, yes, I will! - You hold it right there.
I'm not finished with you yet.
Oh, uh, hey, Mrs.
dubcek, would you mind-- ( gasps ) My God, she's dead! Oh, what is it? Oh, her.
- She's not dead.
- But she's cold.
She's not breathing.
Oh, you guys.
She's fine.
She drank the potion.
The sleeping potion? From Romeo and Juliet? Well, guess we can take her downstairs until she comes to.
Here, Harry, get her feet.
Sally, help with the door.
Woman: Hi, baby, it's us! - All: Hi! - Get her inside! Get her inside! - Who are those people? - Oh, well, um, it's Diane and her husband and Jimmy, an old flame coming back for more.
This is just great! Didn't you make an antidote? Hmm, is there one in the play? If they see her like this, the spit is really gonna hit the fan.
- What are we gonna do? - Wait! I have a brilliant idea.
Harry, did you know that in a theater of Shakespeare's day - the women's roles were played by men? - Really? Yeah, and they also tied up bears and threw rocks at 'em.
( Exclaims ) It's the role of a lifetime, Harry, an actor's dream.
- Come on, let's get her in the bathroom.
- I don't want to! Dick, you can't pass Harry off as Mrs.
dubcek! They'll know! Ah! You forget, they haven't seen her in over 10 years.
- Besides, Harry has a secret weapon.
- What? A great director! Hello? Anybody home? Uh, no, nobody's here.
Why don't we go into the living room, okay? Yeah, this way.
Right, move along.
( Chuckling ) Okay, right there.
Why don't you take a seat, make yourself comfortable? I can't believe she got somebody to pay rent for this crap-hole.
- Yeah, every month.
- Yeah, - and we just love Mrs.
- Ohh.
Even more since the accident.
- ( Shaver buzzing ) - "Accident"? Yes.
Changed her, considerably.
Uh, and, uh, she refused the estrogen therapy.
But don't mention it to her.
She's very sensitive.
- Is there a bathroom around-- - both: No! - We use the one at the gas station.
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Talk to them.
Sally: What is taking so long? Whoa, mama! Dick: Do you mind? An actor needs time to prepare.
Harry: Dick, I don't think i can do this.
Dick: Show time! Now, let's go.
Oh, and Harry, remember, you're going out there a youngster, but you're coming back a star! Now, let's go.
Mamie, honey! Well, I see you've met my tenants.
Oh, uh, we love Mrs.
- Hi, mamie.
- Lovely tattoo.
Very nice.
I don't blame you for being distant, not after what we went through.
She and Jimmy used to be engaged.
Oh, you're Jimmy! She mentioned you just the other evening.
I just wanted to say thanks for kicking me out all those years ago.
That was the wake-up call that finally got me off the sauce.
- Aww! - That's so sweet.
Forgive me? Sure.
Stop it, stop it, stop it! - ( Groans ) - Uh, uh-- I'm sorry.
She had something crawling up her chin.
Why don't you all go downstairs and, uh, get reacquainted? Mrs.
dubcek, there we are.
Bye, bye, now.
Bye, bye.
Bye, bye, now.
Manhandle me again, and you'll answer to Jimmy.
We are breathing, we are breathing.
- ( Inhaling ) - All right! Which one of you jamokes is Solomon? - That would be I.
- You're out.
- Out? Who are you? - I'm coach mafferty.
My wife's with the p.
And there's a lot of complaints that these kids are coming home with low self-esteem, and they're wetting their beds and stuff like that.
- So you're looking at the new director! - This is unacceptable.
- Sorry, Spielberg, you're out.
- ( Cheering softly ) No, no.
Do not weep for me.
I humbly quit the stage.
No, no, no tears.
The theater is a cruel mistress.
Adieu, adieu.
Remember me.
( Blowing whistle ) Okay, kids, let's huddle up.
Let's back it up to, "I pray you, good mercutio, let's retire.
" Okay, now, who's playing mercutio? Uh, coach mafferty, if I may, I think there is someone here who can play mercutio.
Aah! I am hurt! Aye, aye, a scratch, a scratch.
Marriage is enough.
'Twill serve.
Ask for me tomorrow and you will find me a grave ( Low register ) Man.
Romeo, brave mercutio is dead.
A plague o' both your houses, for they have made worms' meat Of me-e-e! - Romeo-- - I have it, and soundly too.
Your houses! ( Coughing ) I'm dead now.
Well, here it is-- the review in my high school paper.
The review? ( Reading quickly ) Ah, ah, ah.
"Dick Solomon's over-the-top performance gave new meaning to the word 'tragedy.
'" I have redefined my art, - and so I retire.
- No! No, no, please, please.
To go any further would jeopardize the mission.
Tommy, hang up my codpiece.
Dick, I'm not your prop lackey anymore.
Besides, as of next month, your codpiece turns into Sancho panza's hat.
I wonder what don's doing? "Don.
" I never want to hear the name "don" mentioned in this house again.
Now, that's an order! - Hi, there.
- ( All gasp ) What am I doing on the roof? You know, we were about to ask you the same thing.
- Yeah.
- You should be inside.
dubcek, let us help you.
Oh, don, don.
Why should the name "don" make dick so angry? - Don: Sally.
- Who's there? I would tell you, but my name is so offensive to your family I dare not speak it aloud.
Don, if they found you, there's no telling what they'd do to you.
I'm okay.
I have night's cloak to hide me from their eyes.
And if thou love me, let them find me here.
My life were better ended by their hate, than death prolonged wanting of thy love.
Wow, that's so romantic.
Ah, well, I wrote it myself.
I've asked you back here for a reason.
You seem like an intelligent woman, so I'm going to make you an offer.
I will lower the fines, remove the contempt charge, and eliminate the court costs on one condition-- you have to promise me that you will spend the weekend with me at a hotel in Chicago.
- The ambassador east? - The Sheraton.