3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Same Old Song and Dick

Go to him, francesca! Get in his truck! Get in his truck and run away with him! Damn! These stupid books never end the way I want them to! - Lieutenant! - Sir! Rewrite this book so that francesca runs off with Robert! What?! That's not in my job description! But they should be together.
"- Sally, make dinner.
- Sally, do the laundry.
" "Sally, rewrite this international best-seller.
" You know, there's something about doing this crappy job day in and day out that makes me want to kill myself.
And you.
Well, Sally, I'm tired of hearing you complain.
- I'm not appreciated-- - shut up! All righty.
No, Sally, no.
I mean, I have a difficult job too.
When-- and-- I think that you should shut up.
What is your job Exactly? I am the sponge.
I know many things.
Like what, oh great sponge? Okay.
Like how many bags of trash do our neighbors produce per week.
What are Barney's friends names? His real friends.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a marble! You don't know, do you? - Well, he's got you there.
- Yeah, he sure does.
But, um I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, banking and the killing of all spiders! Ha, spiders! Spiders are more afraid of us than we are of them.
- Harry, there's a spider on your neck.
- Get it off! Get it off! That's very funny.
- You could never handle my job! - I could do it with my eyes closed.
You do everything with your eyes closed.
Okay, big guy.
What do you say you and I trade jobs? All right, Sally.
I accept your challenge.
Okay I know this is silly, but Do you think Mary would jump in the truck of some Rugged, bridge-loving photographer? Aah, probably.
- How can you say that?! - Because your relationship is so boring! Boring?! We're passionate, unpredictable.
We're wild! Wild, I tell you! Just wild! - I mean, let's see - Tonight's Wednesday, you got to her house, you watch "jeopardy," then the wheel-- from the bamboo garden.
Robert redford and pauly shore.
But which to watch first? Hmm Pauly shore! But not always! Okay, always.
- Hello, my love.
- Hi.
Whatcha doing? I have 15 papers to grade this afternoon, so please.
Very well.
You think we're still an exciting couple, don't you? - Mm-hmm.
- Good.
Because for some reason, Sally said that we were boring.
Mary Suppose a rugged, Italian woman with a camera appeared in a pick-up and gave me the old "honk and wave"? I shouldn't jump in her truck and drive off with her, should I? - Mm-hmm.
- No! - What?! - We are boring, aren't we?! Well, we might be in a little rut.
- How about we do something special tonight? - Okay.
You come over, we'll watch "jeopardy" and "the wheel," and we can order from the bamboo garden.
Yum.
Hi, would you like to try a new fat-free pizza nibbler? Ooh! "Tasty, tasty pizza treat!" - I used to watch a lot of TV.
- Mm-hmm.
No, I'm sorry, lady.
Only the best for my family.
It's my job, you know.
Agua-LA-vista, baby.
Oh, hi! Give up? Shopping's not as easy as you thought it was, huh? Actually, I'm great at it.
And check out these values.
Skinny bar, fat bar, fat bar, fat bar, skinny bar, fat bar, $1.
26.
You cracked the bar code? Yeah.
Oh, hi guys! Hey, look what I was doing today.
- Crossword puzzle.
- Cool.
What's a "digfa"? Um, apparently it's the capital of France.
But, um And you know that sign on the back of the TV that says "Risk of electrical shock.
Do not open"? Well, they're not feeding you guys a line of crap.
I mean - Wow.
- Yeah.
- So how was your day? - Not as exciting.
- Tommy.
- It was great! August won the rutherford county essay contest! And I was so surprised because, you know, I won last year too and no one's ever won two years in a row.
I'm so proud.
I'm gonna go call my mom.
I can't take it, Sally.
Everything about her is so perfect.
You want me to mess her up a little? - No.
- Please? I'm caged here! All I'm killing is time! Oh, hi, dick.
How was your day? Great! - What? - Oh, I can't keep up the facade.
- You were right! The thrill is gone! - Oh.
Oh, Mary and I used to be like champagne.
Fresh and bubbly.
But now, we've been uncorked too long.
We're Luke warm, flat.
Collecting flies.
And there's a cigarette butt floating in us.
Oh.
Shh, shh, I'm hiding.
Why, what's happening? - Who are you? - I'm the lusty farmhand.
Ooh.
- Oh, everybody, this is Charlie.
- Hi, folks.
Charlie brought the magic back into my life.
Ooh.
Oh! Oh, no! That's gotta be her fifth magician this year.
Magic.
The first time I saw Mary, it was magic.
But now the rabbit just Sits in his hat.
- Nina? - I'm on my break.
That's all right, I don't mind.
It's about Dr.
albright and me.
Oh, don't involve me in that freak show.
Things have changed between us and I don't know why.
Okay, what are you doing differently? Nothing.
Same movies, same take-out.
Same as it ever was.
- Wait, there's an article right here on that very thing.
- Oh, what luck.
Here, all the wisdom you seek and 10 new ways to show off your breasts.
Ah-ha! on bringing your lukewarm love life back to a boil.
Yes.
Now Showing off my breasts.
Then the high priestess is carried into a mud-thatched roof hut where For seven days and seven nights she's-- Oh, oh! Thank you, Karen.
What are you doing? I'm boiling our love by surprising you in your workplace.
- Dick! - And I've done some shaving.
Somewhere on my body you will discover a tufted heart.
Oh, God.
Leon! Two classes? Isn't that a tad weighty for you? - Dr.
Solomon.
- Yes, Dr.
albright? Get out.
But I have something important to casually mention - that may re-ignite our relationship.
- What? I'm not wearing any panties.
- You have lost your mind.
- No, Mary! I just want us to be the way we were.
The greatest lovers in history! Dick! Put your panties back on and sit down! We're fine! There's nothing wrong with us.
Our relationship is normal.
I don't want normal! I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion like Romeo and Juliet! They both wound up dead.
- Antony and Cleopatra.
- Dead.
That couple from "wuthering heights".
Insane and dead.
F.
Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda.
Drunk, insane and dead.
Ah-ha! Ziegfried and Roy! Okay, one.
Well, here you go, Tommy.
A bowl of crunchy flakes in skim milk.
This is a bowl of cold goo.
That's right.
Because in an effort to be more efficient, I prepared breakfast last night.
And for you, Sally, a hot cup of steaming java.
Since when did relationships become so much work? Coffee, dick? No.
What is it with this planet? Nothing ever stays fixed.
Everything is in a constant state of decay.
It's this damn gravity.
It brings everything down! Got to get the magic back! But how?! I need some guidance, some mentor.
Someone who can teach me the fine art of romance.
But who? Who?! Hi, hi, hi.
Do you have anything for rope burns? I'm so glad you kids could join us.
Oh, the pleasure's ours.
Thank you for letting us be the two little flies on your wall of love.
Right, Mary? Aren't you gonna eat your fat, pookey? No.
- Come on, boom-boom, let's shake it! - Yeah.
Just think That could be us in 10 years.
Just think.
- Come on, Mary, let's shake it.
- I'd rather not.
- Oh, come on! Come on! - No, no, no.
Let's break out of this rut, rekindle the fire.
Eat my fat, pookey.
Eat my fat.
No, I couldn't.
I guess the magic is gone.
No, the magic's not gone! Let's go back to your place and I'll prove it.
Really? Really.
Relaxed? - Very.
- Good.
Because it's time for a little bedtime story.
"Finally, his eyes came to rest upon the lush, mossy valley from whence all pleasure spread.
" What are you reading to me? A hiking guide? Shh.
"She succumbed to him.
And like a lilly unfolding to morning's first light, gave herself over to the pollinating bee of earthly pleasure.
" Mmm.
Yeah, hi.
Can I please speak with Oprah? This is Sally Solomon.
A viewer.
Oh, don't give me that b.
S.
! She's not on vacation, she's right there-- I can see her on my TV! What do you think I am, stupid?! Hello? Life of a sponge isn't easy as it looks, is it, Sally? No, I'm not giving up.
Even if Oprah won't talk to me.
Well, you know, one thing I learned? Television always goes better with food.
Um, what is this, Harry? Ice cream.
You know, I'm really enjoying your job, Sally.
Oh, and I discovered another terrific household tip.
If you lay the dirty dishes in the muller's backyard, their dog'll just clean them right up for you.
And now, the winner of the rutherford county essay contest for the second year in a row, August lefler.
I think baudelaire said it best.
Mary, I think I've figured out why we're so incredibly tedious together.
Well, we're not tedious together.
Mary, don't you see? We used to be new.
Uncharted territory.
But now I've read every page in the Mary book.
- Is that right? - Mm-hmm.
Sadly, yes.
There are volumes about me you don't know.
- Really? - Yeah.
Face it, Mary, I've checked your footnotes, combed your stacks, thumbed your index.
There are no surprises left.
Is that right? Where are we, grandma's house? Yeah, this is side of you I've never seen before.
The evening's young.
- What is this?! - You've never been to a kegger?! Stay close and follow my lead.
You're funny.
He can't hear you, Sally.
Trust me.
Where is that remote? Harry, I can't feel my butt.
I can't feel my butt! You just have 28-hour keister.
I can't take it anymore, Harry.
Please, give me my life back! No.
Give me the vacuum, Harry.
Just put it down and walk away.
No! No! It's mine! - Don't be a fool, Harry.
Give it over! - No! No, a deal's a deal! Spider! You want me to kill the spider, Harry? Huh? Just give me the vacuum and I'll kill the spider.
I can kill the spider.
I've been practicing with grapes.
Okay, here's the deal.
Grapes don't have eight legs.
And they don't jump! You did it, Harry.
Oh my God, you won.
Yes, I did.
Poor little spider! I hope he doesn't have kids! It's over, Harry.
It's okay.
Sally's here.
Sally's back.
I can't believe you just at there like everyone else.
You didn't even try to help me.
August, ever since I've known you, you've always been so together-- what? Well, it's just everything you say and everything you do and everything you are is so perfect, and up there was the first time I ever saw you actually be Human.
You know, that's what I'm looking for in a woman.
Perfect? Me? I just got a "c-" in phys ed 'cause I can't lift my own body weight.
I bite my nails.
I have a lousy sense of direction.
And this nose is not exactly Cindy Crawford's.
- You're right.
It hooks a little to the left there-- - so - I am not perfect.
- Certainly are not.
Good.
But why stop at the nose? I mean, you're-- stop at the nose.
Niner.
Deuce.
Lady.
One-eyed Jack.
Bug, you've got a pair showing.
I can't help it.
- I'm out.
- In.
- I'm out.
- Read 'em and weep.
Good bye, underwear.
Leon, you still got your socks on, buddy! My feet get cold.
Seven card stud.
- You in? - I've got nothing left to lose.
- Get me a beer? - Uh-- I'd rather not.
So you glad we tried something new? Not really.
In fact, it made me uncomfortable and cold.
And kind of shrivelly.
I guess we have to accept the inevitable-- things will never be new again.
But I'm strong enough to go on.
And on, and on, and on.
Excuse me.
- Mary! - I said excuse me.
No.
No, it's fine.
I've never heard you do that before.
Do you realize what this means? Beef and broccoli? Yes, but so much more! Don't you see, it didn't bother you.
And I didn't bother me.
Well, good, 'cause there's another one on the way.
It's the best possible sign.
We've entered a new phase.
It's like you said, relationships change.
We've become Comfortable with each other.
It's as if you've trumpeted the dawn of our new era! - So, what do you want to do tomorrow? - This.
- You? - This! - Oh, Mary! - Oh! Was that you or me? - Does it matter? - No.
I'm sorry, little spider.
If I could trade places with you I would.
God, this is so hard!