3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - I Brake for Dick

So you know about the spring dance next week, right? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Why, you wanna go? - I don't care.
- Argh, good, phew! Wait, so-- so you're not asking me to the dance? No.
As usual, you have no clue.
- What?! Wait, wait, wait, you just said-- - never mind what I said.
But I distinctly heard you say that you did not care-- you s-- she-- doesn't she ever just leave quietly? ( Sighs ) I don't understand her.
What's to understand? Kill her and get a new one.
No, no, no, no, no, you can't do that, see? You gotta get a new one and then you kill her.
It's like the book says, "be prepared.
" "The official boy scout guide book.
" Who are the boy scouts? They're an elite pre-pubescent, paramilitary society.
And I'm gonna follow their ways.
But, Harry, you're neither elite, nor pre-pubescent.
All in good time, Sally All in good time.
- Whoa, what are you doing? - It's these ants, they're everywhere.
Well, you can't kill 'em, I'm breeding 'em.
Oh, that makes sense.
I'm going for my merit badge in insect husbandry.
So you've turned my kitchen into an ant farm? No, the ant farm is under your bed.
The kitchen is more of a lounge area.
- Okay, it's okay.
- ( Dick puffing ) - Here we are, nice and safe.
- Oh, oh, no, no - Oh God.
- ( Calling ) Hello? Dick's a little shaken up.
- What the heck happened now? - Yeah, so? Oh, I was driving along, radio blasting, wind rushing through my gorgeous hair, when suddenly, out of nowhere, wah! Boom-- oh! ( Sobbing ) - What? - He hit a chipmunk.
( Sobbing continues ) A chipmunk? What-- like one of those little Disney rats? Oh, and we rushed him to the finest veterinarian in all of rutherford, but it's touch and go and these damn doctors won't tell me what's really going on.
Oh, poor chippy - You named it "chippy"? - Yeah.
Hmm, well, I think it's kind of catchy-- chippy the chipmunk Chippy, the cheerful chipmunk The tragedy of chippy, the cheerful chipmunk.
- ( Sobbing ) Oh, no! - He'll be all right.
( Theme music playing ) Object "a," a 2,358-pound rambler American from 1964, traveling at 45 Miles per hour collides with object "b," a tiny chipmunk Weighing a mere eight ounces.
Now, who can calculate the psychological toll this bloody collision will take on the driver? Dr.
Solomon, you hit a chipmunk? ( Sobbing ) Yes.
Please, just tell me, would you like me to ask you to the dance? Are you asking me to the dance? No, I'm asking you if you want me to ask you to the dance? Okay, all right.
August, would you like to go to the dance with me? That depends.
Are you just asking me 'cause I'm mad at you? - Yes.
- Don't bother.
So, Tommy, don't have a date for the dance? Well, I-- I'm not sure.
Well, if you don't - I hope it's not too forward if I ask.
- No.
- Could you go with my friend, Beth? - Doh! A proper tourniquet should minimize the blood flow to the affected extremity.
This dance thing is nuts.
It's like the NFL draft.
August took her offer off the table, so now I'm a free agent.
If I can't convince her to sign me back, I'm gonna get drafted by the rutherford uglies.
I can't believe the arbitrary way that humans decide which animals to revere and which to eat.
It's nothing more than a barbaric popularity contest.
Take the koala bear: Cute and cuddly.
Have you ever heard of a koala burger? A koala dog? Koala falafel? No! The noble cow, whose only sins are her pendulous tits and redundant stomachs, is doomed to be sawed into freezer-friendly chunks and sold by the pound to the bloodthirsty masses.
All right, everybody out, I've got some killing to do.
What's going on? We got ants, soldiers.
- Dick: Ants, we have ants? - Yeah, not for long.
You're not killing anything! Dick, they are disease-ridden vermines, they must be ex-- lieutenant! Lieutenant! You are forbidden to harm one single ant.
Now, that's a direct order.
I'm sorry, was I asleep when you turned into a big wussie? No, this has nothing to do with me being a wussie.
Chippy has opened my eyes.
As of today, this apartment is a cruelty-free zone.
Lieutenant, I order you to rid this house of any items made at the expense of our four-legged brethren.
And we shall have no animal products, no animal by-products and you shall not buy any animal by-product, or products.
- Have I made myself clear? - Uh-huh.
Come on, men, there's work to be done.
Hello, rutherford animal clinic? Yes, this is chippy's daddy.
Are there-- are there any signs of improvement? Oh, I see Well, did he get the basket of acorns I sent over? Okay, well, I'll check back in an hour.
- Oh, Mary, I think you'd better sit down.
- What is it? Chippy made it through the night, but the doctors say when he comes out of the coma, he may only have 20 to 30% of his tree-climbing ability.
You know, it would help if you stop thinking about it.
- And stop talking about it.
- But it's my fault.
What-- come on, dick, this has been going on forever.
First, man invented the wheel and then he invented road kill.
You did all you could.
I mean, most people wouldn't have even slowed down, much less stop to perform mouth to mouth.
Dick, there's some frat guys out in the quad harassing a bison.
Oh, my God, a bison! - Those savages! - Dick! Why'd you do that? Because it's just so easy.
Nina, I need a woman's point of view for something.
Um, my girlfriend's not speaking to me because I didn't ask her to a dance.
Mmm, send her flowers.
She once told me that flowers reminded her of the morbid stench of death.
Okay Well, how about a gift? Maybe a nice makeup kit.
Uh, she sees makeup as a way for the arrogant misogynists to decorate the women they own and turn them into You know, like vacuous playthings.
Oh, I bet you two have a lot of fun.
Wait, that's all you've got? What do I look like, "dear Sandy"? - Who's "dear Sandy"? - The advice lady from the paper.
You know, like, "dear Sandy, I'm a whiny little teenager with girlfriend problems and the only person I can bug about it is my dad's stunning nubian secretary.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, could you write that down for me? Sure, you mean the stunning nubian part? Hey, what you doing? Just following orders, getting rid of all the meat products.
Oh, I can't watch.
Wait, just a second.
What're you wearing? - Mmm, binoculars.
- No, the coat.
- My coat? - Yeah, it's fur, animal fur.
Give me the coat.
( Crying ) No, no animals were harmed in the making of this coat.
Oh yeah, I'm sure some llama just unzipped his fur and said, "thank, God, Harry Solomon won't be cold this winter.
" That's plausible.
Whoa! - An order's an order.
- ( Loud crying ) - Shut up.
- Okay.
Excuse me, it's after 6:00, you can give my chipmunk the pain shot now.
Dr.
Solomon, I was going to.
- Oh, good, go ahead.
- Just a few minutes.
Well, please, it's after 6:00.
It's after 6:00.
I don't see why he should have this pain.
Sir, I will get to it in a minute.
It's time for his shot, you understand? Do something! He only had to hold out until 6:00, and it's past 6:00.
He's in pain.
My chipmunk is in pain.
- Give him the shot, you understand me? - You're gonna have to behave.
Give my chipmunk the shot! - All right, I'll get it.
- Okay.
The rabbit comes out of the hole Runs around the tree, winks at the sailor Finds God and voilĂ ! A perfect straight knot.
Harry, I need your opinion.
Read my "dear Sandy" letter.
I changed some of the specifics so nobody knows it's me.
"I have a problem, my girlfriend, I'll call her Betty, wants me to ask her to the dance, I, being a wealthy, Korean businessman" This is crap! Pardon my Korean.
- What's that? - Sandwich.
- What's in it? - Lettuce.
I'm gonna have to search that sandwich.
Lettuce, bread, what's this? - Mayonnaise? - So? - Mayonnaise has eggs in it.
- Eggs are not meat.
Well, they would be if you didn't kill them for mayonnaise.
- I'm gonna have to destroy this contraband.
- Whoa-- ahh, what's that on your shoe? - Mayonnaise.
- No no, no, it's leather.
Your shoes are made of leather and leather shoes come from leather cows.
Okay, listen, easy there, hot rod.
Let's not get crazy about this.
Maybe I got a little carried away.
Here, Harry, have your sandwich back.
I think dick might like to have a little look in your closet.
( Screaming ) No-oo! ( Cow moos ) Oh, the salad bar is fantastic, Mary.
You know, I don't think we'll ever get tired of eating this way.
Beets, cauliflower, seasoned croutons, plain croutons-- did I mention beets? - Yeah.
- Yeah, and the beets, they are so nice.
- Oh, no! - What? You ordered surf and turf and they brought you steak and lobster.
Eh, waiter! Dick, that's what surf and turf is.
I thought it was water and grass.
Mary, how could you? How could you do this to chippy? I'm not eating chippy.
Oh, not now, but where will this carnage end? Dick, sit down and eat your beets.
All right.
Look, I think it's great that you have made this wonderful life-changing decision - ( Shell cracks ) - But I will not sit here and let you berate me for living my life my way.
( Cracking continues ) Okay? Okay.
No, I can't take it anymore! I'm hereby liberating these lobsters.
Run! Please, run for the river! They can take your legs, but they'll never take your freedom! Come on! Come on, run! Well, you're gonna have to run faster than that.
( Grunting ) Here, I'll help you.
Here-- oh, oh, ow! Goodbye, old friends.
We've had some great times together, huh? I never thought I'd wear you, but you went with everything.
And you, you were 50% off when we met, remember that? I do.
Oh! And you You silly, fun, open-toed things.
You gave me bunions, but damn, you made my gams look great.
I think I'll miss you most of all.
"Dear Sandy" is ignoring me, Harry.
Listen to this.
"Angry in akron," response, "conflicted in Cleveland," response.
She even responds to "yeast infection in youngstown.
" Oh, what kind of parent names their kid "yeast infection"? Look at me.
I am 100% animal-free.
Nothing was killed in the making of these garments.
Sir, following your pointless and stupid orders, I have rid this house of every animal product.
- ( Sniffles ) My shoes.
- Good work, lieutenant.
Sally, are those All your shoes? - Yeah.
- Uh-huh - And you're quite sure of that? - Yes.
- Every shoe you own.
- Yes, yes, yes! Oh, really? - Then how do you explain these? - ( Sally gasps ) While completing my merit badge in water conservation, I found these taped to the inside of the toilet tank?! I've never seen those before in my life.
- Give 'em back to me! - Lieutenant! - You won't be needing those anymore.
- ( Yelps ) As of today, I am issuing animal-friendly foot gear.
- Flip-flops? - Mm-hmm, they are very stylish and they make the most delightful slapping sounds.
You like slapping sounds? I'll show you slapping sounds.
Put them on, lieutenant.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I'm taking these shoes to a cow pasture to give them a proper burial.
I'd like to thank you all for being gracious enough to come witness this magical moment.
( Sobs ) This is so beautiful, it's-- just let the rat go, it's cold out here.
It's a chipmunk.
Call it what it is, damn it.
Three days ago, at exactly 6:38 P.
M.
, two lives were forever changed.
But in the aftermath of that violent collision, a flower of hope blossomed and that hope ignited a flame of inspiration which fueled a desire that inspired a dream-- - Tommy: Okay, we get it.
- Mary: Oh, for God's sakes! Chippy, your sacrifice was truly a gift.
You opened my eyes to a whole new way of life.
And now I give the gift of life back to you.
- Good bye, my friend.
- ( Chippy squeals ) Suddenly this planet doesn't seem quite so cruel, after all.
- ( Bird squawking ) - Oh, look! Look at that beautiful majestic bird-- - ( wings flapping ) - Hey! Hey! You leave him alone-- hey, run! Chippy, run! You-- get away from him, you winged beast! - ( Rock thumps ) - ( Bird squawks ) Oh, nice arm, dick.
Oh, my God, what have I done? I think you just killed that - "Endangered peregrine falcon.
" - Oh! I'm a menace to my fellow creatures.
Well, you can't save every living creature.
Some live, some die, that's just life happening.
That's just animals.
What about us? We are animals.
We eat like animals, sleep like animals, have sex like animals.
- Oh yeah, especially after a bottle of Tequila.
- Oh, yeah.
Just be grateful you're at the top of the food chain and nothing eats you.
Oh, yeah? What about that shark in "jaws"? He's so scary.
Fine, have it your way.
The whole world is just one giant savage smorgasbord.
And if you don't like it, I'm afraid you're just gonna have to build a rocket and jet off to some kinder, gentler planet.
Oh, yeah, no, that would be the easy way out.
No, I have to face it.
I'm nothing more than a death machine.
Well, you're also a life machine.
You created a life Tommy.
Oh, I had nothing to do with that.
Come on, you had a little something to do with it.
If it weren't for you, he wouldn't be here.
Well, that's true, I did bring him.
Uh-- into this world, I mean.
See, life has a way of balancing things out.
You're right, Mary.
We're part of a great cycle.
( Sighs ) "There's a time to live, a time to die, a time to sow, a time to reap" A time to reupholster and a time to keep the furnishings you have and just brighten them up with a few throw pillows.
Something like that.
You know, I'm suddenly feeling very creative.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Did you kiss that dead chipmunk? - Not on the lips.
- ( Groans ) What you making? - A spear.
- Oh.
I'm making a sharpened stick.
Oh, man! I must have three cows worth of shoes in here.
Dick, I cannot wait for you to go on your next insane kick, so I can get all new pants.
( Grunts ) Oy! Did you get me a new coat? No, we just dug your old one out of the trash.
Oh pasta! August, what are you doing here? "Dear Sandy, I didn't ask my girlfriend to the dance and now she's mad at me.
It was a mistake and I'd do anything in this world to make her happy.
" Signed, "regretful in rutherford.
" It was like the pen was connected straight to my heart.
- See you at the dance.
- See you! Oh nice letter, Tommy.
- I didn't write it.
- Wh-- well, then who did? A scout never expects praise for a good deed.
- Gosh, it's exactly your story, it's uncanny.
- I know.
A good deed is its own reward.
Come on, boys, who wants meat? - I do, I do! - I do, I do! Hey Good scout here, mean that I wrote the letter.
It was me! It was me! - Mmm, meat! - Yep! It's red, dead and corn-fed.
( Hissing ) - What's that, lieutenant? - An ant bomb.
- You think that's gonna kill the ants? - It's not working so far.
Uh, could you pass the bacon? Oh, yeah.
Here.
Okay.
- Dick: Come on, come on, yes.
- ( Paws clacking ) - You'll be safe in here with me all day.
- ( Gasps ) Dick, where did you get that dog? Some old guy with dark glasses was pushing her down the sidewalk.
Okay, that's it, you are officially out of control.
- ( Car horn honking ) - ( Brakes screeching ) ( Loud crashing )