3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - A Nightmare on Dick Street (1)

Here you go.
Yes! My X-ray glasses! Look out, women of rutherford.
From now on, dick Solomon no longer has to use his imagination.
Nina, you're supposed to be naked.
I'm wearing my lead Teddy.
- Damn! - When they found him, he was completely devoured by woodland creatures.
Guess what came.
Oh, it's from the friedhoffer foundation! - Oh! - Well? I got it! They accepted my application! - I'm going to Borneo! - What's so great about Borneo? Oh, dick, this is a tremendous opportunity-- a chance to really study, to immerse myself in a primitive culture.
Congratulations, Mary.
I myself could never live in the wild.
I've got to rub this in Dr.
erdman's face.
Let's go to the faculty lounge and just let it slip out accidentally.
Bring the letter.
I'll set, you spike.
Oh, Borneo.
How wonderful for her.
She could use a weekend away.
Oh, Dr.
Solomon, she's going to be going for a year.
A year? She can't go away for a year.
We're in a relationship.
We just bought a fondue pot together.
We've got plans.
It's going to take a lot more than hot cheese to keep her here.
You're going to have to make a bigger commitment.
You mean, like an electric wok? I mean like a marriage proposal.
Oh.
You may be on to something.
If she was my wife, she'd be so busy cooking and doing chores, she'd have no time for Borneo.
So here's something interesting.
I've decided to ask Dr.
albright to marry me.
What do you think? - That's a terrible idea! - Don't be an idiot! Great, then it's settled.
You can't marry her.
You're not even the same species.
She doesn't know that.
As far as she knows, I'm like everybody else.
Eventually she'd figure out you're not like everybody else, and then she and I would have to go for a little "walk.
" - You wouldn't.
- Sure, dick, of course I wouldn't.
She's never going to find out.
I'm not going to let her find out.
That's good.
You can base your entire marriage on one horrible, gigantic lie.
Well, for a start.
( '50s rock music playing ) Ooh.
I dropped my toast point.
Allow me, my petit fromage.
Ow! ( Yells ) It's hot, extremely hot! Champagne? Mary ( Groans ) There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to decide whether or not to go to Borneo.
I've already made my decision.
- And that decision was? - To go to Borneo.
Oh, right.
Right.
Mary There's something I have to ask you.
I may not be a rich man, I may not be a young man, I may not be a fireman, but I am a man who cares about you very deeply, and I can't bear the thought of you Going away for a whole year.
It's going to be hard for me, too.
Then why did you apply for this Borneo trip in the first place? I applied before we were - Sleeping together? - No, we were sleeping together.
I just wasn't sure if we were serious.
Have you ever slept with someone you weren't serious about? Uh No.
The point is, we are.
- Sleeping together? - Serious.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner, because there shouldn't be any secrets between us.
Well, maybe a few secrets - just to keep things interesting.
- Ooh, no, because a relationship is built on honesty.
Look, I'll let you have five little secrets if you can let me have one really big one.
No, dick, it doesn't work that way.
And, besides, sooner or later, we'll find out everything about each other.
( Yelps ) ( Dog-like grunting ) ( Heart beating ) ( Whimpers ) ( Whimpers ) ( Screams ) ( "Night on bald Mountain" playing ) The door.
The door.
There's got to be a door.
Good morning, Dr.
Solomon.
Good morning, Nina.
Get me a cup of coffee? - ( Gasps ) - Dr.
Solomon, - you know why you've been brought here? - ( Stutters ) Gentlemen.
Oh! ( Whimpers ) - Where are you taking me? - To the truth room.
Actually, I need to go to the bathroom.
This is scary.
( Door creaking ) - ( Electricity buzzing ) - ( Whimpers ) ( Drill whirring ) I'll tell you what you want to know! I'll tell you the truth, I promise! ( German accent ) Of course you will, Dr.
Solomon.
Please sit.
( Groans ) ( Whimpers ) Wh-what are you doing? I am going to torture you until you talk.
- Mary, you? - Why do you think they call me Dr.
albright? But first, I sing a little song I write this morning.
Falling in love again never wanted to what am I to do? Can't help it.
( "the blue danube waltz" playing ) Oh, dick, look at us.
I know you're keeping something from me.
( Whimpers ) Please, you're safe.
You don't have to pretend anymore.
All right.
Mary, I'm an alien.
- That's wonderful! - It is? Yes, because ( Distorted voice ) I'm an alien, too.
( Screams ) ( Vivaldi's "four seasons" playing ) ( "Thus spake zarathustra" playing ) ( Gasps ) No, not jell-o.
Not jell-o! ( Jell-o growls ) ( Screaming ) Run from the jell-o! Run from the jell-o! Dick! What's going on? - Jell-o everywhere! - ( All scream ) Get off the bed! You'll crush Mary! Mary, I'm coming! I'm going to get you! - Mary! - Dick, calm down.
There's no Mary here.
There's no jell-o.
There's only you.
I-I-I don't know what happened.
All I know is, if I had a mommy, I'd want her right now.
Have any of you ever had your sleep invaded by scary and almost metaphorical images you can't control? - All: No.
- Oh, wait! No.
Well, then what's wrong with me? Well, August's Uncle once had a complete mental breakdown, - and he went to a psychiatrist.
- A psycho-who-a-what? You know what a psychiatrist is.
I know.
I'm just so nervous.
Don, what happens to people? Are they born bad, or one day do their minds just snap? If only we knew, Sally.
One minute, little Johnny normal is on his paper route.
The next minute, there's a pile of dead bank guards, and Johnny is using grandma as a human shield.
So it's true, then? You just go to bed normal, and you wake up a deranged psychopath? It happens.
Here.
Take a look at this creep, Sally.
Karl borskey, wanted for grand theft auto in Dayton, sandusky, and greater wapakoneta, and now believed to be here in rutherford.
I nab this dirtbag, I make detective.
This guy's mine, all mine.
But you still like girls, right, don? - Damn straight, sugar.
- Good.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, it can't be.
It's 1994! They're just old magazines.
Oh.
For a hundred bucks an hour, you'd think he could renew a subscription.
So, why are you here, dick? You know, just a checkup.
I thought you could give my brain a quick once-over.
No biggie.
- Has something been troubling you? - Nothing, nothing at all.
How about you? You seem tense.
Can I get you something? Dick, you're holding back.
Now, anything said in this room - is absolutely confidential.
- Really? I don't belong on this planet.
I'm an alien from another galaxy.
The warranty on my brain just expired, and I'm scared to get married! ( Sobbing ) That's a start.
At first, all Sally ever did was complain about how I forced her to become a woman, but now all the time it's "look at my body.
I am so hot.
" This is your daughter? Sally? No, she's my sister.
I'm sorry.
It's just that she's Do you think I should make her be my daughter? Because that's doable.
I think we'll talk about this later.
The hour's up.
We have to end this session.
- So, I'm all better? - Well, I don't deal in a world of better.
I don't speak that language.
But, no, you're not even close to better.
Right now, I'm going to prescribe these pills.
They're called placion.
- Will they grow my hair back? - No Although they do occasionally cause male lactation.
Ah.
They'll take the edge off, help you deal with some of your anxiety.
- We'll see you next week.
- All right.
- So what did he do? - Nothing.
He didn't even open up my head.
He just gave me these little pills.
Just as I suspected-- nothing.
- Dick.
- Hello, my love.
I had a wonderful time last night.
- Mmm.
- It made me realize just what we have, and I've come to a decision.
- I'm not going to Borneo.
- That's too bad.
- I thought you wanted me to stay.
- Then stay.
- Do you want me to stay or not? - Oh, whatever.
Maybe I will go to Borneo, after all.
You know, Borneo, where the sun gets so hot, the dress code is naked, because if you don't care, I don't care.
Of course I care.
I love you, and I love knotty pine, and sherbet, dryer-fresh towels, and those clips that keep snack chips fresh.
So when you go, I'll have four of the five things that I love.
Fine.
I'll send you a postcard.
Oh, right.
I love postcards, too.
Hey, get me away from this wacko.
- Shut up! - Sally, what are you doing? Look who I caught squeezing the charmin.
But Sally, that isn't against the law.
- It's Karl borskey.
- ( Gasps ) Yes, I know it's Karl borskey.
Lock him up.
Careful with those pantyhose.
They're dkny.
So, don ( Chuckles ) You want to buy a doughnut for the gal who just made you detective? I'm not in the mood for doughnuts.
- No doughnuts, don? - No.
What's wrong? A man isn't a man if he doesn't have respect.
Borskey should have been mine, Sally.
It was just a fluke.
If you had run out of toilet paper, you could have caught him.
You know what the sick irony is, Sally? I am out of toilet paper.
- So, Harry, you got any threes? - Go fish.
- How was work today, dick? - Oh, just fine.
- How'd it go with albright? - Oh, just fine.
How would it feel to have broken glass rubbed in your eyes? - Just fine.
- Dick? Just fine.
Exactly what did this psychiatrist do to you? We chatted a bit, and he put everything in order.
- By the way, Sally, you're now my daughter.
- I'm what? - Snap out of it.
- My sister.
My daughter.
My sister.
My daughter.
My sister and my daughter.
Tommy, do you have any nines? - Go fish.
- I don't mind if I do.
I love fish.
Wait.
No, dick, you're not actually supposed to go fishing! Let him go.
Let him go.
This is scaring me.
This is getting worse.
- You got to call the big giant head.
- No.
Only the high commander has that authority.
Dick is out of commission.
As second in command, I order you to call him.
Okay, fine, but I'm not broadcasting in stereo.
A man's got to have his limit-- you have reached the transmitting signal for the big giant head.
All big giant's circuits are busy right now.
Please stay on the line.
( Humming "the girl from ipanema" ) ( Humming continues ) ( "LA strada suite" playing ) ( Flash bulbs popping ) ( Both speaking Italian ) Oh, donatello, you fill my life with danger and fire.
Sally, - you scare-a the hell out of me.
- Shut up and dance.
( Up-tempo nino rota tune playing ) ( Bones crack ) - ( Gasps ) What is the meaning of this? - Uh, Sally, I Mmm.
- ( Gasps ) - I should have told you.
- I'm a chicken.
- A chicken? No.
No! Sì.
I could never give myself to poultry.
Sally, no.
Sally, no.
Sally! ( "LA strada suite" resumes ) Donatello.
Donatello! How could I? ( Gasping ) - ( Humming "girl from ipanema" ) - What? What's wrong? Nothing, nothing.
Nothing at all.
I just had a great night's sleep.
No problems here.
- How would you like your bass? - You know what? I got to go.
Uh there's a big sale.
Yeah, a sale on potatoes! Big potato sale, potato chip sale.
Stop staring at me! Mmm, bass and potato chips.
And then there were two.
( '50s rock music playing )