3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - A Nightmare on Dick Street (2)

Information officer's log.
Last time on dick was upset when Mary decided to go to Borneo for a year.
What's so great about Borneo? He later had a horrible nightmare about telling Mary the truth that he's an alien.
And, having never dreamt before, - dick thought he was losing his mind.
- Mary! To calm him down, a doctor prescribed tranquilizers.
Dick quickly became addicted and lost touch with reality.
Not knowing what to do, we tried to contact the big, giant head for permission to return to the home planet for maintenance.
Sally also dreamt for the first time and became convinced that she had killed don.
- Don? Don? Where's don? - Sally.
Oh, don! I didn't kill you? I didn't kill you! No, you just emasculated me.
- I've got to see something.
- Sally! No feathers.
Oh-- oh, my God.
Sally, uh, you're gonna have to calm down.
Oh, don't you see, don? You're alive, which means it's my brain, my sick, twisted brain.
I could be capable of anything.
Anything at all! - There's only one hope, don.
- I've got to get on the pill.
Um, this isn't how I expected this to happen, but hey.
Dick's on the pill, and it seems to be working for him.
Okay, you lost me again.
Uh, I'll call you when I'm not myself anymore.
Okay, so she's crazy, but she's got legs up to her face! - I love TV.
- Mmm, me too.
What do you say we turn it on? It's even better on.
Oh, man.
The high commander and the lieutenant are incapacitated.
You know what that means? The information officer takes over, and that's me.
Permission to speak, high commander.
- Permission granted.
- Well, we might as well just take this mission, roll it up and stick it-- incoming message from the big, giant head.
"Your request to return home for emergency maintenance has been authorized.
" - Yes! - "The time-space portal will open tomorrow evening Between 8:51 and 8:53 P.
earth time.
On your journey home, we will be showing tin cup, starring Kevin costner and rene Russo.
" Well, that settles it.
We're going.
"The big, giant head looks forward to reading your comprehensive report on the history of human civilization.
" Oh, no.
- Tommy.
- Miss frost.
- You missed class today.
- I-- yeah, I did.
That's so unlike you.
You're usually the first to come and the last to leave.
Miss frost, I'm gonna be transferring to another, uh, district soon, but, um, before I do, I was just wondering if you wanted to take me up on my offer.
You mean, your offer to let me be the one to Usher you into manhood? - The offer still stands.
- Thank you, no.
I'm wearin' her down.
Tommy, how's the report coming? I'm just putting the finishing touches on it now.
Man, am I gonna be glad to get this thing off my shoes.
Tommy! - Help! - Help me, Tommy! How can I help you? I'm supposed to be studying.
Tommy, help us! Over here and help us! - Help me! - Help us! Jump, Tommy! Jump! - You can do it! - Come on, Tommy! Help us, Tommy! Tommy, come on! There he is.
Right over here, Tommy! Help us, Tommy! Bali hai - may call you Oh, not good.
- Any night - Tommy! - Any day - Come on, now! You can't let this happen.
Stop it! - Will tell you - come on! Come away come away Bali hai will whisper on the wind of the sea - Tommy! - here am I your special island come to me come to me - don't do it, Tommy! - Bali hai Bali hai Bali hai.
- Tommy! Oh, dick, Sally! It's happening to me too! I'm falling apart at the seams! Oh, this chair feels all soft on my bottom.
Will you listen to me? This is serious! You know what's good for serious things? One of those.
Oh, no, no, no, Tommy.
Don't do it.
Look, Tommy.
Look how pretty they are.
And they have a line down the middle where you can break them in half.
- So you can take half? - No, so you can take one and a half.
No, Tommy, you got to be strong.
You're right.
As acting high commander, I order you to turn over the pills.
Oh, he thinks he's high commander.
That's so cute.
Let's give him a salute.
Harry, get rid of 'em! No, not that way! Tommy, Harry, I want to thank you for getting us off that pill.
- Oh, you feel better? - Oh, I feel horrible.
But at least I feel.
Well, we just have to keep it together for a few more hours.
- What do you mean? - While we were "out," Tommy got a hold of the big, giant head.
- We leave tonight at 8:53.
- Last chance for ice cream.
- When are we coming back? - I don't know, I didn't ask.
Who knows? The service department's always backed up.
They'll probably have to send out for parts.
Could be a week, could be a year, could be 200 years.
- What about Mary? - Oh, she'll be dead.
I can't leave her without saying good-bye.
- Wait! Dick, there isn't time.
- Sure, there is.
No, listen, I know you, dick.
You're gonna go there, you're gonna get all ooey-gooey, and you'll miss the transport.
That is such a lie! Harry is the transmitter, and he's coming with us, okay? So without him, you'd be stranded here forever.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna steel myself up, march in there, and just do the headlines-- "love ya, miss ya, good-bye.
" And maybe a little second-base action, but that's it.
Hello, Mary.
I came by to say I will miss you terribly.
Really? Is there anything else I should know? Yes.
I care about you deeply and I love you.
Of course.
Do you mind if I pack? - What? - Nothing.
I bit my fist.
In conclusion, I'll always carry a locket of your DNA, and you'll be glad to know that the vision of your naked body will be with me for all time.
Well, I guess there's nothing else to say but good bye.
- Good bye, dick.
- Good bye, Mary.
I'm walking away now.
No, this is not how it ends.
This has been a long and difficult journey, and it will not end this way.
There will be no tepid farewells for us.
I need you, Mary-- your eyes, your face, your every nook and cranny-- especially your cranny.
You are Mary world, and I love Mary world.
It's the happiest place on earth.
Oh, come on, Mary! Let's take a spin on those teacups! - I don't want to go! - I don't want to go either! - Where are you going? - Uh, nowhere.
Maybe I am losing my mind, but while there's a little left, I want to marry you.
- Marry me? - Sure, I'll marry you.
We'll be so happy.
This is so great! I know! - He's late.
- We're gonna have to leave him behind.
Nobody gets left behind.
Not on my watch.
- Then what do you suggest? - Well, 20 feet of rope and a blunt object.
There's rope in the basement.
Let's go get it.
Harry, you keep packing, and don't fall asleep on the job.
"I'm miss bossy.
I get to tell everybody what to do.
" I got the blue sky every mornin' and everything I do hey, hey hey, hey hey, hey hey, hey hey, hey hey, hey hey, hey hey, hey life has been good to me life has been good to me in every life I'm here to say that there's a rainbow just around every corner life has been good to me life has been good to me nothin' at all I got some good friends they adore me and it always turns out that I was right ah.
hey, hey hey, hey hey, hey life has been good life has been good.
Thanks, Mrs.
I wouldn't ask you to let me in if I didn't think Sally really needed help.
You know, I used to date a police officer.
Maybe you know him-- Teddy rubino.
He's the guy whose wife put a slug in him for fooling around.
Dear God! Stand back.
I'm afraid he's dead.
- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure.
I'm a cop.
Hi, don.
Damn it, I got to learn how to take a pulse.
- Don.
- Sally, where have you been? I've been looking for you.
Hold that thought.
Listen, Harry, get a hammer.
- Tommy, get the sack.
I'll get the string cheese.
- "String cheese"? Oh, God, I'm starving! I'd like to propose a toast.
To dick and Mary.
May you both be as happy as I am.
Uh Dick, could I speak to you for a minute? Sally, uh, sure.
Excuse me.
Uh, don't get married without me.
Oh, I'm glad you came.
I was-- I was gonna call.
Oh, cut the crap, dick.
Listen, you're a mess.
You're coming with us.
- We're going home.
- This is my home.
- What? - Mary and I are getting married.
What you talkin' about, Willis? I've made my decision.
I'd rather die here with Mary than risk losing her forever.
Oh, okay, all right.
You're the high commander, and we respect your decision.
Get him! - What the hell? - Oh, uh, hello, Mary.
Don't worry.
The "besacking" of the groom is a time-honored tradition.
What kind of tradition? I'm gonna go with "Jewish.
" Okay.
Dick, we have to go.
We have guests.
- All right.
- Dick, are you sure, absolutely sure you want to go back to the party? Absolutely.
Well, this is good bye, then.
It's just cake and champagne.
He'll be home in half an hour.
Oh, yeah.
- So I'll see you in a half an hour.
- Sounds good.
Pick up some milk on the way home, hmm? I will.
I promise.
- I'll be at the mall if you need me.
- Don't stay long.
It's a school night, and I worry.
Come to the store, dick.
Our coupons are in your car.
They've always been in your car! For crying out loud, he's just getting married.
Oh, yeah.
Well, we got to go.
The store closes at 8:53.
Good bye! Will they be living with us? I never dreamed I'd see the day Dr.
albright settled down.
Mary hasn't settled down.
She's just settled.
I know this sounds strange, but I had a dream you asked me to marry you.
- You had a what? - A dream.
I was drowning in a swimming pool, and my father was the lifeguard, and he was saving me, and I looked up and it wasn't him, it was you.
And you were wearing flippers and black socks, and you offered me a ring.
Mary, it's contagious! You're as crazy as I am! I know it's crazy.
It woke me up out of a sound sleep.
Yes! That's when it strikes-- when you're asleep! Well, yeah, dick.
That's when most people dream.
"Most people dream"? - What's the matter with you? - Nothing.
Nothing's the matter with me.
And there's nothing the matter with Tommy and Sally.
Oh, my God! There's nothing the matter with any of us! - Where are you going? - Home! Before it's too late! Hello? Sally? Harry? Tommy? "Dear dick, of all the people we've worked for, you were the best, you stupid, stupid man.
" And they're gone.
I miss them.
- We got you a wedding gift.
- Hope you like it.
" A toaster.
The toaster from the kitchen.
- Dick? - In here.
You left the party so suddenly.
Is everything all right? Oh, Mary.
I chose to stay with you until death do us part, which, as it turns out, is a hell of a lot longer than I thought.
- What? - Which is fine.
It's just fine.
- Where is your family? - They took off.
And it's all my fault.
But I'm gonna find them.
No matter how long it takes, no matter what I have to do, I'm going to find them and get them back-- this I vow! Where'd they go? Pizza.