3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Seven Deadly Clips

Chocolate fudge cake, pecan swirl ice cream, chocolate-covered pretzels, and chocolate eclairs.
Oh, this is the best dinner ever.
I can make a steak.
What, out of chocolate? Mm! This ice cream's delicious.
Actually, it's "sinfully delicious.
" I would gladly go to hell for a pint of this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
So you're trying to tell me that eating a pint of that and killing a guy are equally bad? No.
Actually, there are different kinds of sin.
Some are innocent and others quite deadly.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the 7 deadly sins.
I learned about them at school.
Ah, yes.
Sleepy, happy, dopey, and murder.
No.
No, murder is not one of them, but I think pride is.
Oh, pride.
That's just one of the flaws these humans have.
Ha ha ha ha! Please, Dick.
You're as guilty as any human.
Give me one example.
You the man.
No, you the man.
No, you the man.
No, you the man.
No, you the man.
No, you the man.
Damn it, Harry! I'm the high commander.
If I say "you the man," you the man! You're this big anthropologist.
You tell me.
What am I? Certifiable.
Yes.
That's what I am.
Certifiable.
Certifiable and damn proud of it.
Well, it's nice to be big.
Dr.
Howard I am a masterpiece, a perfect human being, not a strand of Dna out of place.
You'll probably want my organs to put on display.
Oh, my god! I'm gorgeous! I only asked for one example.
You know something pride shouldn't even be one of the 7 deadly sins.
There's nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself, especially if you look like me.
You're not that great, Dick.
Oh, come on! Telling me I'm not great? That should be one of the 7 deadly sins right there.
Who's with me? Shut up, Dick.
Everything is always about you.
It's really pissing me off.
You know, that's one of the 7 deadly sins right there.
Pissing me off? No.
Anger.
Oh, shut up.
Come on, open up.
Aaah! Pull yourself together, man! Thank you, lieutenant.
Well, it started it.
Didn't I tell you to become the model student? I did.
I've aced every test.
Then what's she doing here? I don't know.
I'm brilliant, not clairvoyant.
Is it too much to ask that you just once make me a proud father? It's not my mission to make you proud.
It is if I say so.
Is not! Say it's your mission.
No! Go on.
Say it's your mission.
Say it, say it! It's my mission.
You have something on your tie.
Aha.
Very clever.
Yes, I see how that works.
You have something on your shoulder.
Ha ha ha.
I don't-- hello, brad.
Sally.
I've come to check your phone.
Well, you got to humor them.
Ha ha ha! This redhead came in last week.
I think she was driving a sunbird.
She opened that hood-- [Crunch] Hello.
I'd like my car ready in a half hour.
I don't want a 200% markup on parts, and I'd like it washed.
Thank you.
You hear that, high commander? Sally oh I'm sorry.
Here you go, baby.
Well, he hated that.
When is Sally gonna get back with those diapers? Whoa, look.
Something coming out of his nose again.
Ughh.
It's like he's got wetness coming out of every hole in his body.
Dumb, wet baby.
Hey.
He likes it.
Maybe not.
Suddenly it's not quite so funny when I do it, now, is it? You know, as far as I'm concerned, if anger is a deadly sin, it's a healthy deadly sin.
It gets things out in the open.
As long we keep everything out in the open, we'll be fine.
[Thinking] Why does she have a bigger eclair than I do? [Thinking] He's wearing a new sweater.
Why does he get to spend all the money on clothes? [Thinking] I wish my hair would get that long.
[Thinking] Look how envious they all are.
I wish I was like that.
So, Dick, aren't you going to ask me how my day went? Good work, Harry.
Well done.
Sally just because you haven't been invited somewhere is no reason not to go.
Your next assignment is to meet this mother and study her maternal power.
I could seduce her if you like.
Uh, no, Harry.
Tommy, have you infiltrated the glee club yet? Oh, yeah.
They're very happy.
That's my report.
Good work, Tommy.
W-wait.
What about me? Well, what about you? Well, that's my point.
I mean, you're the high commander, and she's in charge of security.
He's the information officer.
What am I? Well, you're-- you're Harry.
Oh, sure.
I got the fancy title, but what do I do? What am I good at? Uhh uh you're a painter.
Oh, yeah.
I like painting.
Painting! Yes.
Great.
Go, paint.
Ok.
Off to my painting.
Just yell if you need me.
Sure.
Whatever.
Oh, Dick.
They screwed it up again! Damn! Tommy.
Do you ever doodle? Why? Was I in the bathroom too long? I--I can't doodle.
Well, Dick, you're kind of old.
Old? Picasso doodled on tablecloths late into his sixties.
That's disgusting.
I know.
I just can't draw.
Oh! Doodling.
Oh.
It's inexplicable! I, who bestride this world like an intellectual colossus, I, who make lesser men quiver in awe of my cranial prowess, I, who-- I've forgotten my point.
Dick, I invented a new color.
I combined red and yellow.
I call it redyellow.
Can't wait to show it in art class.
Great.
Mix up a whole vat of it.
Go.
Hop to it you ironically gifted chowder head.
Why did I say that? What's wrong with me? Could it be--and this is just a wild guess-- that Harry is way better at something than you? Oh, give me some credit.
I'm the high commander.
I don't engage in petty rivalry.
Look, Dick, you're actually younger than me, right? Right.
But on this mission, you got to be taller.
Now, don't you think that eats my lunch just a little bit? But you don't see me whining.
So how can you be so cool about it? 'Cause I'm older than you, little buddy.
I now accept the fact that I do not have artistic talent like you, like Harry.
I know now that I will never be able to be a part of a class like this, but Dr.
Albright has made me see the joy that I can take in inspiring other people.
No, I will never be an artist, but I can make a great subject.
Prepare to meet your muse! Well, as long as we're talking about the 7 deadly sins, I have a confession to make.
I am guilty of the deadliest sin of them all-- fallin' down.
Lieutenant, I need your help.
I need you to find out what's funny.
Oh, I can't.
I gotta go build a new shelf.
I ran out of room for my shoes.
This is more important.
It's about me.
How am I supposed to know what's funny? What's so important about a sense of humor, anyway? Oh, come on, Tommy.
Having a sense of humor is having the power to transform someone's mood, to lift his spirit.
You give it to someone you love when she really needs it.
And I just found out today that Mary's been getting it from another man.
Dick, I think this whole being funny thing is just innate.
Well, what do you think, lieutenant? What do I think? I think either you got it or you don't.
Look what you just did.
What? Let's be friends.
Let's kiss.
I know.
Me, too, sweetie.
Falling down is not a deadly sin.
Ohh.
Well, that's good, because--Whoop.
You know something? There is nothing better than a chocolate brownie.
Nothing? Nope.
Nothing.
Nothing? Nope.
Nothing.
Nothing? Nothing? Nothing? Oh.
Of course.
No, wait.
That's not what I meant.
What did you mean? Well, I meant lust.
Wait.
Lust is a deadly sin? It is if you do it right.
Not that I'd know.
Dr.
Solomon, Tommy's very bright.
No question.
Unfortunately, Tommy's having a little trouble fitting in.
What do you mean, fitting in? Excuse me.
But there's something about the thickness of your neck and the broadness of your shoulders that makes me think you'd be an agile hunter and provide well for our children.
Let me do the spoon once, please? Fine.
Just this once.
You're about a quart low.
Try it like this.
You'll hear me call you singing through the sunshine sweet and clear as can be here am I come to me here am I, come to me here am I, come to me Bali hai ahh.
Ok, now, who would like to stand up and try it like that? Tommy.
Yams.
Oh, I got yams for ya.
Don't you want to put a little minimarshmallow on that? Ohhhhhhh oh, Dr.
Albright, that was the greatest [Ahem] [Ahem] Ok.
Next sin? Whoa.
Hold on there, fella.
You sure you don't want to go back to that last sin some more? Hey, don't get greedy, Ok? Oh, th-that's another sin right there--greed.
Well, we're not greedy.
In fact, we're the most giving, unselfish, thoughtful group of ragtag misfits that this damn planet has ever seen.
Guys, I love you.
Love you back.
Oh, hey, excuse me.
It's after 6:00.
You can give my chipmunk the pain shot now.
Dr.
Solomon, I was going to.
Oh, good.
Uh, go ahead.
Just a few minutes.
Well, please, it's after 6:00.
It's after 6:00.
I don't see why he should have this pain.
Sir, I will get to it in a minute.
It's time for his shot! You understand? Do something! He only had to hold out until 6:00, and it's past 6:00.
He's in pain.
My chipmunk is in pain.
He needs a shot! You understand me? You're gonna have to behave.
Give my chipmunk the shot! Where'd he go? [Gasps] Oh, no! Hold on, baby! No! Sally! You can't! Let me go! I've got to save him! Get ahold of yourself! That's a bottomless ball pit of death! I don't care! That's my baby! Nooooo! Aaah! Ohhohhhh I've got him! Well, I went to the pet store to buy you some new fish, and I saw this cute little guy.
Oh, Dick, I can't take care of a dog.
If you can love a fish, you can love a dog.
Well, he is kind of cute.
Come here, boy.
Oh, look at him.
He loves you, Mary.
He's so cute.
Don't resist it.
Let yourself be loved.
He needs you.
He needs you he loves you! Mary, he really loves you.
I tell ya something-- not only are we a caring, thoughtful, giving family, we're a caring, thoughtful, giving family that can sing.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! When the moon hits-A your eye like a big-a pizza pie that's Amore what are you doing? Buona sera, signorina.
[Speaking Italian] When-a the world seems to shine-a like you had too much-a wine that's Amore bells will ring, ting-A-ling-a-ling ling-a-ling-a-ling and we'll sing vis Ta Bella hearts will play, tippy- tippy-Tay, tippy-tippy-Tay like a gay Ta lontella lontibella! Man: what the hell's going on out there?! Nothing, Mr.
Ratner! Oh, would you please get out of here before somebody calls the cops? The cops, they cannot thwart my passion! I will stand right here till a pack of wild dogs chase me away! Dogs! Run! Aaah! So what's for dessert? Well, uh, there's still steak.
You didn't have enough to eat? I can never eat enough.
The question was rhetorical, Harry.
Bring on the steak! But you guys might be committing the most deadly of all sins-- gluttony.
Ah, perhaps, but it is also the most diabolically delicious.
Put down the ribs and step away from the platter.
No.
Ok, then.
But make no mistake-- if you take one bite out of that, you're gonna hate yourself more than you already do.
Are you prepared to face those consequences, soldier?! My pants fit! I won the war! So you lost weight? Even better.
I bought bigger pants.
Oh, we shouldn't have had that steak.
Well, I think we covered all the deadly sins.
No.
No, actually, there's another one.
Well, I'm too much of a sloth to think of it.
Whoa, wait.
That's it.
What, sloth? No.
Thinking.
Captioned by the national uh, "see key operator.
" Well, that's me.
I'm operating the keys.
Me! Damn you! I'm gonna press cancel.
Is that what you want? 'Cause I'll do it.
I'll press it.
Start.
Start.
Damn you! I'm gonna beat you with your own toner cartridge!