3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Jailhouse Dick

"It's so dreadful to be poor, sighed Meg, "looking down at her old dress.
"I don't think it's fair for some girls "to have plenty of pretty things "and other girls nothing at all, added little Amy with an injured sniff.
" [Sniff] Harry, do you have to be doing that right now? Yeah.
I got a 500-word book report due for night school.
"It's so dreadful to be poor, sighed-- all right, enough.
Listen, the key to studying is finding the short cuts, all right? Look, later we'll go out, we'll buy you some cliff notes.
It's like an easy little synopsis, all right? It'll take you Ooh, what a relief.
I don't mind readin'.
It's readin' books that I hate.
Harry, why aren't you studying? Oh, don't worry, Dick.
Tommy and I are going to go out later and just buy a book report.
Ah.
Good man.
Make me proud.
Hey, Dick, don't forget your lunch.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I'm meeting officer Don at the police station for lunch.
Oh, make sure he shows you the tank.
The tank? Yeah, but don't get too close, otherwise the inmates will start hootin' and hollerin' and telling you they love ya.
Oh.
I'd better put on my new tie.
Well, Dick, this is it.
The tank.
Oh.
Oh, look at them, their deep-set eyes darting with evil brilliance.
What'd they do, Don? Well, that one's a loiterer, and that guy was screaming at a fire hydrant.
You, fresh meat, what are you in for? Up yours.
Don't rile 'em up.
They're bad news.
Oh, this place is so creepy, Don.
I knew jails had bars, but I didn't know they were so confining.
That's kind of the idea.
Don, I can't get out.
Don, help me.
Get me out! Don! Dick.
Turn your head.
All right, get back, get back! So, if he can't pay his fine, he just-- well, he'll just sit there for a few days and think about what he's done.
And that'll teach him that jail is a dirty, horrible place, and he'll never want to return? Exactly.
In fact, this is the fifth time he's learned that very lesson.
The fifth time? Why does he keep coming back? Ah, it's just the way they are.
Then what's the point of this place? It's just a revolving door, a hopeless hotel whose residents check in and out between crimes.
And you, Don, you're nothing more than a bellhop with a badge.
I am not.
Hey, can I get a clean towel and a wall street journal? Will you shut up in there?! Now, listen here, Dick, this system is the only way we've got to teach these guys a lesson.
What about giving them a little guidance? Uh, we don't do that here.
Well, maybe you should.
Unlike you, I happen to have faith in the human race.
I can take any one of these men, rehabilitate him, and make him a productive member of society.
You're mad, Solomon.
Am I? Come on, you, you're coming home with me.
What are you doing? I'm going to pay his fine and make him whole again.
As god is my witness, nothing will deter me from saving this man.
Ok.
His fine is $1,500.
Ooh.
How much for the skinny one? Uh, 750.
And the short hair in the corner? Eddie? 100 bucks.
Wrap him up.
I'll take him.
Well, I read in a magazine it was a prosthetic.
Oh, my god, what a mess.
You've been robbed.
No.
It's just pepper acting out.
He hates it whenever I leave the house.
And you put up with it? Well, I don't really go out much.
All this dog does is jump all over you and ruin your furniture.
Why do you keep him? Dick gave him to me.
And? And we've broken up.
So so there's no reason why I should keep this stupid dog.
Very good.
Come on, pepper.
Let's go see daddy.
Look, I really appreciate you paying my fine and the soup and the 3-pack of underpants and everything, but I better get going.
No.
You don't have to go anywhere.
You're staying here with us.
Thanks, but you've done enough.
That's the problem, Eddie-- No one's done enough.
No one's ever taken responsibility for you.
But I will.
This house, Eddie is a house of love.
But be warned-- it is also a house of discipline.
There will be rules, yes.
There will be a curfew.
However, that curfew is 3 A.
M.
, So it shouldn't cramp your style.
What's going on? Oh, Sally, I'd like you to meet Eddie, my plain old regular friend Eddie.
He's been in prison.
Ok, bend over.
Sally, Sally, he's a friend.
He's a guest.
You will treat him with respect.
Did you find anything? He's clean.
Yeah.
I knew he would be.
Well, that was a complete waste of time.
The bookstore's out of cliff notes, and you spend 2 1/2 hours chatting up the girl at the visor hut.
Yeah, who had heard of the book little women.
Ok, that was helpful.
But now I got to spend all night reading the book.
All right, listen, here's what we'll do.
We'll go to the video store, we'll rent little women, the motion picture, all right? In 2 hours you'll know the whole story.
Oh, Harry, Tommy, I'd like you to meet our new friend Eddie.
He's a criminal.
Whoa.
Eddie, the bathroom is right in there.
Why don't you go take a nice hot shower and scrub off the stench of incarceration? He means to kill us.
Oh, hush.
How dare you?! This man is a human being, and right now he's giving me something to do.
Dick, isn't this a major security breach? Oh, nonsense.
It's a magnificent experiment.
I intend to prove that a nurturing family and a solid role model can turn a man's life around.
And who would that role model be? You're lookin' at him, sass mouth.
Mary: Dick? Well, Mary, what are you doing here? Returning your dog.
Well, pepper's not my dog.
He was a gift.
Yeah.
A gift I decided I don't deserve.
Here, you take him.
Oh, no.
I--I--I wouldn't dream of taking back a gift that I gave you.
Well, you took back the stereo you gave me.
That was surroundsound, baby.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Your lease says absolutely, positively no dogs.
Why, are you allergic? No.
I just get nervous.
You know how dogs like to dig? I got 6 cats buried in the backyard.
Oh.
You better make that 5.
Not my problem.
Not my dog anymore.
We don't want him.
Well, I'm not taking him back.
Oh, naturally.
Nobody wants to take responsibility.
I can see that yet again, it falls upon me to make Sally take responsibility.
Oh, great.
I can't believe I have to deal with that miserable creature.
You're talking about me, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
You call yourself a canine? You make me sick! Wipe that smirk off your face! From now on, when I say bark, you say "how loud, sir?" Or rather bark it as if to say, "how loud, sir?" Do you understand me, private tickbait? At ease, soldier.
Wow.
I think you really got through to him.
Well, you know, you just got to show 'em who's boss.
You lead, they follow.
[Barking] Oh, it's that damn squirrel again.
[Barking] Down, pepper! Wow! You know, Albright, it's just a matter of really-- [Barking] [Glass breaking] [Barking] So, uh, what do you say we just give him away? Sounds good.
Ok.
Well, I hope you're enjoying your movie, Tommy.
Hey, it is not my fault that they didn't have little women, all right? But look, I got the fly.
Well, how wonderful for you.
Meanwhile, I still haven't even finished-- hey.
That guy's half fly.
Hey, any calls for pepper yet? No.
Well, I put flyers up on every bulletin board on campus.
How did you describe him? Uh, big, yellow, and free.
[Telephone rings] Yes! Ok, remember, lie your butt off.
I am not going to lie.
Hello.
Yes.
Well, uh, his name is pepper.
He's a yellow lab.
He's very affectionate.
Loves people.
Ah.
Well, fair question.
Um, I'll be perfectly honest with you.
I'm dying.
Thank you for giving Eddie a chance, Mr.
Wexler.
No problem.
There are just a couple of rules down here in the audio-visual department, Eddie.
You start at 9:00, you get a 45-minute lunch, and all equipment request forms go right here.
Nothing Nothin' goes out without one.
Oh, and, uh and one more rule, Eddie.
You'll notice this equipment is clearly marked property of Pendleton university.
It's for lending, you know.
Not for, um-- for stealing.
Yeah.
I got it.
Well, I'll leave you fellas to it.
Oh, this is such a proud moment for me, Eddie.
I've plucked you from your wretched life of recidivism, given you guidance and succor, and made you appreciate one of life's most precious gifts-- freedom! [Ding] Dinnertime! [Clanging] Dinnertime! You were serious? Yes.
Now chop chop.
Dinner's getting cold.
Boy, since when do we eat together? We're going to sit down and share our evening meal to show Eddie an example of a loving family.
Uh, I already ate.
Sorry.
You're going to sit down and eat again if I have to shove the food down your throat.
Now get in there! Look out, he's got a knife! All: oh! Eddie, think about this.
Put down the knife.
You don't want to do this.
I don't want to cut the chicken? Not before we've said grace.
Who's going to say grace? Tommy, how about you? Hmm? Grace.
Say it.
Thank you for this second dinner.
Sure to be an excruciating and uncomfortable-- amen.
Thank you, Tommy.
Hey.
Who stole my spoon? Oh, no, no, no.
I forgot.
It's in my pocket.
So, um, how was your day, Sally? What's it to you? As a concerned and loving family member, I'm naturally interested in how your day went.
What's it to you? Eddie, how was your day? Well, I, uh, checked a few projectors out.
And then a little while later, I checked them back in.
Oh, talk about being thrown in the deep end on your first day.
Oh, uh, by the way, I'll be needing the, um, the overhead projector for my morning class tomorrow.
I'd be happy to, but I can't.
Professor greenwald has reserved it.
Oh, and is professor greenwald serving you chicken? I don't think so.
No.
No, but he filled out the form.
Rules is rules.
Oh, that's funny, coming from a professional rule-breaker.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, I believe it's a reference to your life of crime.
Look.
You're the one who told me to follow the rules.
What do you want from me? Maybe a little gratitude.
Well, I am grateful.
Then show it to me by giving me that projector! No! You unappreciative, two-Bit thug! That's it.
I'm outta here! That's right, run! That's what you're good at.
Good riddance! We ought to do this more often.
[Car tires screech] I assure you, he grows on you! [Car tires screech] Come on, Albright, say good-bye and let's get out of here already.
So, uh, you're going to give him to somebody nice, right? Well, we'll give him to somebody.
But not just anyone.
No, not anyone.
They got to come in here and have 5 bucks.
He's in good hands, don't you think? Yeah, the best.
Yeah.
Is Eddie back yet? No.
I haven't seen him.
Well, if he shows up, tell him he's forgiven and give him a warm supportive hug for me.
Yeah, Dick, I'll be doing that.
Just a second, guys.
I, uh, left my notebook in the other room.
Oh, I'm in big trouble, Tommy.
My study group's here, I haven't even finished the first chapter, and for this, I blame you.
Well, then this is a golden opportunity right here.
Just go in there, listen to what they have to say, and write it down.
There's your 500 words.
Listen.
Write.
Gotcha.
So, those women were pretty little, weren't they? What are your thoughts? When Jo went to the city, my heart went with her.
Her dreams were so pure.
Yeah, purely selfish.
She runs off to the city, leaves her sister out in the sticks while she partied.
Yeah, well, I read it differently, but please.
Continue.
Don't let him continue.
He's stupid.
Literature is open to interpretation.
Harry, it's gone! It's gone! Whoa! What's gone? The rambler.
It's gone.
And so is Eddie! Oh! Someone stole the rambler and Eddie! No, you idiot.
Eddie stole the rambler.
Ohhh.
Thank god.
You were saying? Ok, let me get this straight.
You bailed the guy out of jail, you brought him into your home, gave him the keys to your house, to your car, and now you're surprised he's stolen it.
Oh, sure, hindsight is 20-20.
Uh, we would have warned you, Dick, but, you know, we did! I know you did.
I was blinded by the fervor of my faith in mankind.
Damn my lack of cynicism! Here's your man, Dick.
Oh, Don, thank god! Yeah, he thought he could get away with it, but I hunted him down like a dog.
You bumped into me at the grocery store.
That's hearsay.
Oh, I'm disappointed, Eddie.
You stole my car, and you broke my heart.
But do you know what's the worst thing of all? What? You stole my car! Says who? Do you want a taste of my taser? Well, then you just keep talking.
Come on.
We're going to jail.
Uh, not so fast.
Eddie, I hope you've learned a valuable lesson.
I know I have.
I gave you my trust.
I gave you every benefit of the doubt.
And how did you repay me? By taking advantage of my trusting nature and betraying me.
I hope you feel really, really, really, bad.
Hey, what's up? Oh, Eddie stole the car.
Which one? That car.
Eddie, please, you can't leave! A man makes one mistake, and you hold it against him for life? Works for you.
This is no time for irony! Eddie! Sally! Mary! Dick, where's Sally? Oh, who cares? Eddie's leaving me.
But I-- dogs! Dogs! Dogs! Dogs! Am I the only one around here who understands the phrase "no dogs"? Well, I just have to find Sally.
I went to the pound to see pepper, but he's gone! Where did these two come from? Well, they were just sitting in a cold, hard cell with no chewies.
I'll tell you what.
I'll forget about the projector thing, and you forget about the false arrests.
Eddie: no way! Look, Eddie, have some more soup.
Eddie: no more soup! Dick: no, it's good.
It's warm.
Like you know anything about new england in the 19th century! Hey, could you keep it down? I'm trying to finish my report over here.
You shut up, you cheater.
All right.
All right.
How many words do you got? Ok, uh the end.
Genius! Cheater! Think about everything we've been through together.
Eddie: that's what I am thinking of.
Isn't it enough that a brilliant, compassionate man now feels like a fool? Sally: Albright! Sally! Albright, I have been looking all over for you.
I know.
Me, too.
I feel so badly about what we've done.
I went to the pound to find pepper, but he's gone! No, he's not.
Soldier! Pepper! Why is there another dog here? My dog is back! Oh, my boy, he missed me.
Eddie, did I make no difference to your life? Is there nothing that you'll remember fondly? The chicken wasn't bad.
Eddie, Eddie, if you'll just sign this release form, I'll be on my way.
What's it for? Uh, it just absolves us of any wrongdoing in arresting you for no reason and with no evidence.
It's standard.
I'll have my lawyer look at it.
Oh! Well, all in all, I think things worked out pretty well.
Oh, I agree.
We prepared Eddie nicely for his return to society.
Well, we proved he didn't steal the car.
He's got to feel good about that.
We have nothing to be ashamed about.
What say we never speak of this incident every again? Agreed.
Of course, unless we're subpoenaed.
Oh! In which case, we'll just lie.
Yes! Yes! You know, I really feel like I accomplished something.
It's not easy to change a man.
Or a dog.
You know, I found it's virtually impossible to teach a dog, especially an old one, anything new.
You know, like a trick.
Wow, that's a good point.
Oh! You guys, I got my book report back.
Oh, yeah, what'd you get? "Please see me.
" Well, well, there you go.
She wants to congratulate you in person.
Well, all right.
Oh, Eddie, that's funny, but let me out.
Lights out! Lock in! Captioned by the national