3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

311 - Dick on a Roll

1 Yeah.
What time are you open until? You close at 5 P.
M.
? You're a restaurant! I hate this town.
Greased lightning! Where'd you get that thing? I got it from miss Dubcek's garage.
Whoa! My turn! My turn! Oh, no.
I don't think I'll be getting off any time before right now.
Hey, baby.
Vicki's back.
Grr.
So, Vicki why didn't you keep in touch? I must have written you 2 letters.
But I did not receive those letters.
Ok! Ok! Maybe I did.
But I'm a different woman now, Harry.
Margaret thatcher? No.
Ah.
Good.
Kitten we need to talk.
Oh.
Look, this is wonderful.
How much do you want for it? And don't do me any favors.
I intend to fork over a pretty penny.
I couldn't sell this.
It's a keepsake.
Dick, can I get a turn on that thing? Ha! You wish.
I have something important to tell you.
I've decided to become celibate.
Aw, you can tell Harry all about it while we're having sex.
No, Harry, please stop.
I've gotta purify myself.
I've decided to become a licensed massage therapist.
And massage therapy requires a great level of spirituality.
Whoo! This beats the hell out of that cardboard box! So, are you still on that crazy celibacy kick? Oh, Harry.
Come on.
You know how it is.
The sex leads to booze, and the booze leads to drugs, and the drugs lead to stealing stuff from my mama.
[Dick screaming] Dick: that wasn't fun at all! Look, Dick! Your foot's on backwards! Well I'll see you first thing in the morning.
Best way to guarantee that would be to sleep on top of me.
Oh! Oh! Can you believe this wheelchair didn't come with a warning? Yeah.
Something like, uh, "danger-- don't be an idiot and ride the wheelchair down stairs"? That would have been the spirit of the warning, yes.
Big deal.
You broke your foot, you can't walk for a couple of weeks.
There's nothing to do in this town anyway.
Think you're forgetting-- Barber shop got a radio.
That's right.
I forgot.
The barber shop got a radio.
Will someone please shoot me in the eye? Hey! Give me back my ice! Excuse me.
Anyone.
Excuse me! You, you, and you! Do you need some help? No, I don't need any help! Don't patronize me! Now, get me up those stairs! Come on! Come on! I haven't got all day! Up! Up! Up! Up! Oh! Oh, my-- idiots! You brutes! Out of my way, you cloddish buffoons! Dr.
Solomon! Is that you? We didn't think you were coming in today.
Nina, move his desk chair.
You will never, if you live to be suffer the indignity that I have just suffered! I pray that you will just so you'll know how much it sucks! What are you talking about? There is absolutely no way for a person in a wheelchair to get into this building.
Did you try the ramp? Is that some kind of wheelchair move I'm expected to know? No.
It's a wheelchair- accessible entrance with a ramp.
It's on every building at Pendleton.
Well, not on this one.
The ramp is on the south side.
Oh.
Might as well be in Portugal.
'Cause it's so far away? No, Nina, because Portugal is an ancient land of fascinating maritime culture.
Yes, it's so far away! Dick, Hoff hall is a landmark.
It is over The ramp is on the south side so it would not ruin the facade.
But that means that I have to pass by professor strudwick's office, and every time I do, he drags me in, makes me look at his pictures of salmon.
Do you know the difference between a coho and a sockeye? Well, I do! Harry, know what? I believe that I was put on this earth to help people.
And one day eventually I'd like to become a saint.
Harry could you pull my pans down? They're right over there.
Thank you.
Isn't it nice that we get a chance to visit? Ohh.
I need some sugar.
Baby, I'll give you some sugar.
It's right over here.
You know, we get a chance to talk about each other's dreams and our interests without the distraction of sex.
Ugh.
Somebody told me that was a good thing.
Yeah.
Like to kill that person.
Oh, Harry, you know what? In my massage class, I've been learning all about crystals.
Crystals? Yeah.
Look at this.
Now, see, these 2 things are called trouble stones.
Take them.
And you put them right on the part of your body that feels tense.
Ironic that they're blue.
The physics of fluid dynamics works on a cellular level as well.
High pressure liquids travel freely and without effort, while low pressure liquids are not so lucky.
Oh, no.
No! They're forced to struggle through a totally inconvenient membrane, all the way around to the south side of the damn mitochondria.
Am I the only one who senses an analogy here? There's no ramp on my side of Hoff hall, and I think there should be.
Dr.
Solomon? Ohh, here we go.
Let's hear all the reasons why I'm wrong, inconsiderate, bullheaded, racist-- actually, Dr.
Solomon, I agree with you.
You do? Yes, I think that people in wheelchairs should have the same rights as everybody else-- oh, thank you, Karen.
You're so right.
They deserve a ramp on the north side of Hoff hall.
The university won't build it unless you fight for it, Dr.
Solomon.
It's like the time I went on a hunger strike to get a French fry warmer for the cafeteria.
You--you never went on a hunger strike.
I didn't eat French fries for a whole week.
You've all inspired me.
I will fight for this until the bitter end.
I'm with you, man! All right! Me, too! I'm less enthusiastic, but I'll show up.
I have my mandate! Let's roll! Let's do it! [Rock music playing] Whoa! That looks really cool.
Man! Feel the beat! I want to go in.
But, wait, wait.
If we don't bring Dick his medicine, his leg's gonna swell up like a big, puffy yam.
That's Ok, 'cause Dick likes yams.
All right.
You, in.
You, in.
You uh-uh.
Bye-Bye.
In.
You're in.
Go home.
Don? What are you doing here? Just because I'm a cop by day doesn't mean I can't sin at night.
Well, how do you sin? I'm the gatekeeper of the sin Drome.
That's the name of the club.
Oh, so you're a bouncer.
You want in or not? Yeah.
Hold it, squirt.
What? I'm not dressed cool enough? You're 16.
You have to be 21 to get into the sin Drome.
That's sin Drome policy.
Ah.
So I am dressed cool enough.
No.
Hello.
You're in.
Ah.
You may come in.
Yesterday, December second, a day that will live in infamy, I pulled myself up these steps, one cement injustice after another.
But today I pledge to you, my sisters and brothers, that until they build a north ramp on this side of Hoff hall, I will not rest.
Except for the occasional nap.
Yay! Yay! Yay! Mary, look.
It appears that the mob loves me.
That's always a good sign.
Hmm.
The best.
Dick, why are you doing this? You'll be better in 3 weeks.
Why do you care so much about this ramp? Well, I care because they care.
You're only doing this because you like it that people are listening to you.
A second ramp is unnecessary and stupid.
Dr.
Albright.
You think helping disabled people is stupid? [Crowd boos] No.
[Hissing] Oh, shut up.
That's not what I meant! You just can't stand that everyone here thinks I'm right and you're wrong.
Dick, what's right isn't always popular, and what's popular isn't always right.
Yes, but I'm both right and popular.
Everybody hates you.
You are doing this because you have a mob of people eating up your every word.
That's not true.
Am I right? Crowd: yes! Here we go.
Beautiful.
Smile.
Hey, wait, wait a minute.
What is this? "Anatoly chubais"? That's not my name.
It doesn't matter.
But I don't look like I'm from Guam.
Yes, you do.
You really do.
I have a cousin from Guam.
You look more guamish than he does, and you're not even from there.
Sally, I'm ready.
Sally: Ok.
Look at you.
Did you get all dressed up for me? Well, good.
You should have.
Actually, we're going to a club.
Yes, yes.
You may be all glittery on the outside, but I'm all glittery on the inside.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the north ramp.
Where's the ramp? There.
There? In front of everything? Well, it's a ramp into the building.
Where did you expect it to go? I don't know.
Why not in the back with the other ramp? Since when did you become an architect? No, no.
All I need now is the final approval of Susan billnitzer, the campus engineer, and voila--ramp.
I thought you said they didn't have the money to do this.
Uh, they didn't.
So they decided not to build the daycare center.
Oh, what are the kids gonna do? They can play on the ramp.
You know kids love slanty things.
I know I do.
Hi, hi, hi! Who's ready to go shake their groove thang? Mama, please don't talk.
Dick, why don't you let me give you a massage? Your muscles are just gonna atrophy.
Now, I could give you a nice deep-tissue rolfing or maybe a light shiatsu? Oh, no, thanks.
I've already eaten.
Why don't you massage me, Vicki? Well, now, honey, you know if you ain't broke, I can't fix ya.
Ah! No pain, no gain.
I understand completely.
Harry? Harry? Did you hurt yourself? No! You were born in 1968? I don't want the boys to be intimidated by my experience.
Whatever.
You're in.
Ok.
In.
Ok.
Hi, Don.
Well, Sally.
I'll see you in the V.
I.
P.
Lounge.
Nah, it's fake.
How do you know? Well, the laminate is peeling from the cardboard, and I used to date your sister.
Come on, Tommy.
I am not Tommy.
My name is anatoly.
I'm from the U.
S.
Territory of Guam.
Ok.
Then where exactly is Guam located? The kidney-shaped island of Guam is located at 13 degrees north latitude, Its official bird is the Toto, also known as the fruit darter-- all right! So you know so much about Guam.
Oh, Mr.
Chubais.
Mr.
Chubais.
I saved you a table.
Thank you.
Now, they're guamish.
Well, Dr.
Solomon, these plans are fine.
The ramp is structurally sound.
Rubber stamp.
Smart move.
Like I said, personally, I don't see why you need it.
There is the ramp on the south side.
South ramp.
South ramp.
The hollow refrain of the ruling class.
No, no.
You can't possibly understand how important this ramp is to the quality of life for the university.
Until you've seen the world from the vantage point of a wheelchair-- much as you yourself arenow doing.
You know, your request kind of surprised me, considering the south ramp is right there next to the handicapped parking.
Why would you want to go all the way around in front? Well, because it's further.
And, uh I, for one feel that I've made my point.
Dick? Dick, is that you? Meow.
Hi, Dick.
Oh.
Hi, Sally.
Why aren't you at the big ramp dedication? Everybody's waiting for you.
Oh, Sally, I was so wrong about this ramp.
And now I need you to help me come up with a reason why it wasn't my fault.
Well, have you thought about taking responsibility, or is that just out? Oh.
Every day of my life, I'm right and people think I'm wrong.
And now when I'm wrong, there's no one around to call me an idiot.
Where are all my critics? Well, Tommy's at school, Harry's with Vicki, but, for what it's worth, I think you're an idiot.
Oh, thanks.
Don't tell the others, but you're my favorite.
Let's go.
Smile on your brother ♪ everybody get together ♪ try to love one another ♪ right now ♪ right now ♪ right now ♪ Man: quiet down.
I would like to start the ceremony by asking Dr.
Solomon to say a few words about his achievement here today.
No, no.
Uhnow, there were a lot of people working together here.
I--I don't deserve all the blame for this achievement.
Right, Sally? It's all you, big guy.
[Cheering] Go ahead, Dick.
Break the ground.
No, no, no.
Please.
[Applause] If you want to follow somebody, look to Susan billnitzer.
She uses the south entrance, and she's never been happier.
So, everybody listen up because this is important.
Stop listening to me.
Go on, Dick.
Let her rip.
Oh, no, no, no.
Woman: come on.
Yeah! Come on, Dr.
Solomon.
No, you don't need this.
Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Stop it! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! You ready to go? Uh, no.
I'm not going to go out tonight.
I'm burned out.
All right.
Well, don't wait up for me.
Why the hell would I? [Deep voice] Hello.
I'm an adult of legal age, and I've come to patronize your establishment.
All right.
Go on in.
[Regular voice] Cool.
There's no one in there.
The sin Drome is out.
It's out? Yeah, it used to be in, but now it's out.
You should have seen it in its heyday.
Well, god knows, I tried to! How do you hyperextend your back sitting in a wheelchair? By stopping a bulldozer with your bare hands.
You fell out.
I fell out.
I've forgotten how many nooks and crannies a man has.
I'm gonna go have an English muffin.
I don't understand.
How can the sin Drome be in one day and then out the next day? Ah, people are like sheep.
They're lost unless they have something to follow.
I know.
I was the one saddled with the burden of leadership.
Oh, please! You loved it.
I did, didn't I? I guess I started to believe my own rhetoric.
I never questioned what I was doing.
That's the dangerous part.
I became a demagogue.
I was intoxicated by the crowd's approval until the cause became secondary.
Don't you mean the cause became stupid? Let's not argue semantics, all right? Hey, that feels good, doesn't it? Actually, that kinda hurts.
Now that really hurts.
Oh, it hurts so good, doesn't it, baby? Hurts like hell.
You want more? Yeah.
Ow! More? Yes.
Ow! More? Yes.
Stop.
I'm so tired of cleansing myself.
Now I want to get dirty.
Get in there! Aah.
Hey, hey.
You're underage.
I am not.
All right, go on.
Captioned by the national a little lower.
There.
That's perfect.
How about even lower? Like, say, under your desk.
Why? I prevented the administration from building a ramp that would have defaced a historic landmark.
I'm a hero.
People came out to support your cause, and you hit them with a shovel.
Once again, you just can't stand that I'm right.
It's sad.
Come on, Dick.
Let's go try out the west ramp.
You mean the west stairs.
Whatever.
Dick: where we going? Mary.
Mary.