3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - 36! 24! 36! Dick! (2)

Last time on 3rd rock from the sun Sally, narrating: lieutenant's log.
Rutherford, Ohio, is overrun by a group of gorgeous, manipulative Venusians.
All the men are blinded by their beauty-- yes! Yes! Dick with Gabriella-- you are a silly! Tommy with Chloe, and Harry totally loses it for Mascha.
You're my little schmoo-Schmoo! Meanwhile, Mary and Nina get tickets to the super bowl! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! And head to San Diego for the big game.
Just as I stumble upon the Venusians' diabolical plan of total world domination, they kidnap me and take me to California.
Aaaahhhhhh! The guys finally catch on and head west to try and save me.
Boy, am I screwed.
Let's go! So, uh, you guys noticed any sudden influx of, uh, attractive women around these parts? Oh, yeah, a whole bunch came through.
Really? Tall, exotic, scary? That's them.
We're hot on the trail, boys! If you bump into one named estrovia, tell her glen says hi.
Uhh! Ohh! This stuff is terrible! Dick, it's got twigs in it.
Twigs are the meat of the desert.
Ok, I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Sally's cooking.
In all the horrible meals she ever cooked us, she never once tried to feed us wood.
[Telephone rings] Is that your cell phone? No, it's not my cell phone.
Is it your cell phone? We don't have cell phones! We're from Ohio.
Oh, wait a second.
It's mascha's compact.
Whoo! Should I answer it? Uh, no! Tommy, you answer it.
Why me? Because you look like a girl.
Oh, Ok.
[Feminine voice] Hello? Attention, all members of group 7.
Rendezvous tomorrow morning at exit 11, route 66.
Sounds good.
Over and out.
And put some makeup on.
You look like a boy.
Harry, you're burning the map! What? Waa! Out! Out! Out! Get it out! Get it out! I'm sorry.
Well, I don't see any of these women around.
Well, this is exit 11.
Harry, you look around.
I'll get us supplies.
Wait, Dick, we don't have any money.
Watch this.
I know how these trading posts work.
We give you blankets and shiny hubcap.
You give us chili dogs and gas.
Greetings, white eyes.
We take cash or credit card.
Where's the bathroom? They're not pay toilets, are they? No.
Where's the most expensive jewelry? Right here.
Hello, Mascha.
Harry, what are you doing here? Don't play me, baby.
I've been waiting for you.
And what have you done with Sally? I can't tell you anything.
I wish I could.
Can you give me a hint? We're doing something, something big, Sunday, in San Diego.
Is that all you can tell me? Sunday at a stadium in San Diego.
Just one clue, for old times' sake? At the super bowl! Work with me, baby! Which super bowl?! I have to go now, Harry.
Why are the cute ones always so dumb? Come on, boys! We're going to San Francisco! Mascha: San Diego! San Diego! Sally: lieutenant's log.
I don't know how long I've been here.
I don't know how long they're gonna keep me.
I don't know what I know anymore.
On the plus side, my skin looks great.
So, what are you? I am a Venusian.
What do Venusians do? They seize control and make it look effortless.
How many Venusians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None.
They get a man to do it.
Ok, let's see some bad girl attitude.
[Rock music playing] Now a frightened waif.
Party girl.
Well, she's getting there.
Not really.
Hello, I'd like 3 tickets to the super bowl, please.
Good ones.
Yeah, 50-yard line.
Sky box.
Sold out? But the game doesn't start for 8 hours.
Hello? Hello-- well, what are we gonna do now? If only we knew someone who had tickets.
Like Mary.
This is ridiculous! The hotel should have to warn their guests that people from the half-time show are staying here.
He shoots, he scores! Get killed.
You've done well.
Oh, thank you.
I'm starving.
[Gasps] Ohh.
I'm full! Morning, fellas.
Come on in.
What have I missed? A lot.
You missed espn 2's preview of the espn super bowl pregame show.
And the cnbc pregame show, which is the first preview of the Nbc super bowl pre-pregame preview.
Grab yourself a waffle and a beer.
It's only t-minus How loose is your goose? How funky is your monkey? Oh, my god! What are you people on? Will you shut up?! You want to check out the continental breakfast? I hear it's next to the bar.
Let's go.
Find the tickets.
Ah, yes.
She's either hidden them under the carpet or sewed them into the chair.
Found them.
Where were they? In the drawer.
Genius! How funky is your monkey? All right, thank you.
Wow! That baby has a big head.
Well, it, uh, runs in the family.
And the hair? Yes, I know.
We have a very ugly baby.
Hey, Vivian! Come look at this baby's head! Why don't you shove your little comments-- oh, is he thirsty? He's thirsty.
Get me out of this thing! Harry, push! Push! Dick: look, there they are! Harry: it's Chloe.
Dick: and Gabriella.
What should we do? Let's make out with them.
Shut up! They're going to the ladies' room.
We gotta follow them.
Tommy, you go first.
You look like a girl.
As soon as we get back, I'm getting a haircut.
Where'd they go? Whoa, Dick, hold on a second.
Oh, Tommy, not now.
No, no, come here.
Uhh! Ohh! Uhh! Dick? What? I have to use the bathroom.
Me, too.
Not now! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! This is the biggest ladies' room I've ever seen.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Stop! I hear something.
I don't see anything.
All clear! Let's go, gentlemen.
Prell: let them go.
That's no way to treat our guests.
Cappuccino, gentlemen? Well, what else do you got back-- take the cappuccino! Pantene, breck! Get our visitors a refreshment.
Where's my sister Sally?! Pert! Pert plus, bring out the new one.
My name is no longer Sally.
I now go by the name Paul Mitchell.
So, ready to die? That's it! You tell her, Sally.
I was talking to you.
These aren't super bowl tickets.
\ Yes, they are.
These are tickets to ocean world.
No, they're not.
See that big fish? It's not a fish, it's a mammal.
Move on out of the way.
Move! Next! Why are you wearing pasta? I just like it.
Well, get rid of it.
It cheapens up the place.
What is your evil plan, prell? Are you gonna keep us here and make us your sex slaves? No.
Are you sure? That would be a pretty good evil plan.
It would be torturous.
Shut up! Our plan is much better than that.
We are here to take earth's entire supply of stuff.
From tiny leather backpacks to sports cars to Faberge eggs.
All those things you like will be ours.
Impressive, prell, as is this secret underground lair of yours.
It's not to my taste, but I can see where you're going with it.
However, the people of earth are not as stupid as you think.
Ooh, really? You were.
Gabriella? For the last we have monitored earth broadcast signals, and we know your weakness.
And now we're going to exploit it with the ultimate weapon.
Is it a ray gun? Oh, I bet it's a giant magnet.
Does it rhyme with snuclear? Our weapon is the beer commercial.
[Gasps] [Gasps] [Gasps] What? What? What? It's very simple, gentlemen.
Chloe, darling.
We have noticed that when you earthmen are bombarded with images of hops, barley, breasts, and fun, you become weak and susceptible to suggestion.
We have created a beer commercial and we will broadcast this the super bowl? Yes, and thank you for ruining my dramatic moment.
Excuse me, but wouldn't it have been easier to just buy a commercial? During the super bowl? Have you any idea how much that costs? Oh! You call that a hit? Put some shoulder in it! I used to play rugby.
I used to be a cheerleader in high school, but they threw me off the squad because I forgot to wear underwear occasionally.
The satellite is in place.
Bring forth the master tape.
Don't do it, Sally! Master tape inserted.
Oh, remember the good times, Sally.
Press play and pause on master tape.
I'm your daddy.
You're my little schmoo-Schmoo.
And I'm your bunny man.
Whoo, I'm your bunny! Harry: come to papa, baby.
That's right.
That's it.
Stop the master tape! Boy, that was embarrassing.
Paul Mitchell, what have you done? There's no Paul Mitchell here.
My name is Sally Solomon! Yes, she's back! How rude! Gabriella, teach this lady some manners.
Oh, sweetie, trust me, you don't want any of this, all right? Oh, I want plenty of that.
[Inhaling and exhaling] Uh-oh.
She's got the kung-fu! Aah! Ok, now I'm mad, and you won't like me when I'm mad.
Aah! Oh! I can't believe you got your ass kicked by a girl.
Well, you may have succeeded in ruining our master plan, but we'll be back.
Meanwhile, you will be trapped here.
Begin self-destruct sequence.
Computer: the control room will self-destruct in 4 minutes.
Let me guess.
We're in the control room.
Let's go, ladies.
Well, guys, I guess this is it.
I suppose it's appropriate.
We came to this world together, and now we're gonna leave it together.
You know what happened? We stayed on this planet too long.
Remember the first rule of intergalactic travel: never get attached.
I thought it was never get a cat.
But you know, looking back on the last 2 years, living as a human with the three of you, I wouldn't change a thing.
Computer: the control room will self-destruct in 3 minutes.
Well, except this last thing where we blow up.
Good point.
It sucks.
No, thank you.
What fools! We thought those women really loved us! Suckers, all of us.
Harry! Mascha! I love you.
Suckers, huh? We gotta stop that ship! Mascha, let's use these last precious moments of life to make out.
Harry, come on! Computer: the control room will self-destruct in 2 minutes.
Dick, we gotta go! No.
We can't let them escape! Mascha, how do you contact the transport ship? I don't know.
My training was in seduction and large appliance repair.
Right, Dick.
She fixed the dryer.
Look how great my shirt came out.
You still have to replace the bearings.
What's that gonna run us? Shut up! The transport ship is coming! Not for long.
Stand aside! Oh! What was I thinking? Oh, that smarts! Wait, I've got a wrench.
You could have mentioned that before.
Well, I didn't think you were gonna hit it with your hand.
Computer: the transport ship is now careening toward the sun.
That's good, isn't it? Oh, yeah.
All: yeah! Computer: the control room will self-destruct in one minute.
All: let's go! Dick: run for your lives! The big women are angry! Save yourself while you still can! Boy, I must be buzzed ' cause I thought that was Dick.
Me, too.
Have I ever told you how attractive I find you? No.
And I hope you never do.
All is lost! The transporter's destroyed.
We're stranded.
That's right.
Squirt your tears.
You lose.
Ha ha! Now we're stuck forever on this truck stop of a planet.
Now, don't cry.
It's a good place.
You'll make friends here.
Believe me, it's not so bad.
Of all the planets in the galaxy, it's one of the nicest.
How would you know? Well, it's just a hunch.
What will we do here on earth? We have no skills.
Except for evil manipulation.
And that's not a career.
No one needs us.
Has television taught you nothing? You've seen our advertisements.
Women like you are our unattainable standard.
Every product you use every trend you embrace becomes our obsession.
You are the shapely and elusive carrot that our homely old horses will chase for eternity, our insecurities spurring us on, demanding that we spend, spend, spend! No one needs you? Our global economy depends on you.
Women: wow! So, stay stay where you are needed.
And where you are needed-- we get it! We get it! Announcer: welcome to ocean world, San Diego, home of big wally and little wally.
Well, that was pretty good.
As this happy duo amazes you with their aquatic agility.
Announcer: Ker-splash! Ha ha ha! Nina, you know what's really sad? What? I wanted to drown just now.
Me, too.
You know, I wonder if I should have gone to Paris with Chloe and Gabriella.
Yeah, I'm beginning to think I should have gone, too.
Yeah, right.
I'm going to go put on some more makeup.
You know, when I was on the road, I was offered a job repairing dryers for the second largest laundromat in Tucson.
You were? But I turned it down.
I couldn't leave you.
Mascha, you gotta take it.
I could never live with myself if I held you back.
What do you mean? A girl like you could never be happy in Rutherford.
If you didn't take it, you'd regret it.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not ever.
But you'll regret it.
Well, if this is going to be my last night here, can we spend it together staring up at the stars? Sure.
Captioned by the national ow! Ooh! Hello, Mary! How was your trip? Awful.
We didn't even make it to the superbowl.
Well, you probably had a better time at ocean world, anyway.
How do you know we went to ocean world? What else would you do if your tickets got stolen? We never mentioned our tickets were stolen.
Well, whatever happened, you're probably better off.
Why? The sodas were 4.
And the hot dogs-- aaah!