3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - My Daddy's Little Girl

Nina, I still don't get it.
Which one is baby spice? Oh, she's the one that goes like this.
I thought that was scary spice.
Scary spice, she's all, "wha! Ssss!" Mary! No.
Because, see-- daddy! Hey, magpie.
Ha ha ha! Oh oh.
What a nice surprise! Well, not really.
I've left your mother.
Again? Oh, I'm so sorry.
Let me give you two some time alone.
Oh, that's not necessary.
They do this every year.
I know.
I just can't bear to hear it again.
So how long is this fight going to last? Oh, this was a bad one, Mary.
I broke her sound of music box.
Oh, no! Yep.
Your mother and I are through! You still got that hide-a-bed in the living room? Yes.
And you don't mind sleeping on it? Not really.
Good morning, Mary.
Oh, good morning, Dick.
Good morning, Dick.
Good morning, George.
Aah! What? If he's here, that means the other one's here, too, and--and she scares me.
No, Dick.
Daddy's here alone.
[Whispering] He left Mother.
Oh finally.
[Doorbell rings] I'll get it! Hello, Solomons.
Hello, George! Uh, this is my brother Harry.
Charmed, I'm sure.
And this is my son Tommy.
Hey, there, sport! Hey! Cut it out! He started it! It's all right.
I left myself wide open.
Come on in.
All right, then.
I'm sorry.
I'm Sally.
Let me take your coat, young lady.
Oh, thank you.
You know you remind me of a gal named Betty grable, but I bet she was before your time.
Yeah, I've only been here a couple years.
Sit down and let me fix you a drink.
I'll have a beer.
A beer? A beer's no drink for a lady.
Let me make you a lady's drink.
A lady's drink.
I like this scotch.
So does everybody else.
So tell me about Normandy again, George.
Oh, you just can't hear enough about the big one, can ya? No.
I love war.
Oh, I mean, I hate war, but I love hearing about the killing.
You know, I once killed a Nazi with my bare hands.
Oh, please! So, how did it happen? Well, I was asleep in this burned-out church in the French countryside.
And he tripped, and you choked him, and I think it's getting late.
Dick! Huh? Oh! Oh, Mary! Oh, thank god you're here! I had a terrible dream.
Your father was there and-- and he was telling all these boring war stories.
I couldn't keep my eyes open! Hello, George.
Chop-chop, everyone! Time to go! Oh, cool, I'm still kinda drunk.
Hey, there's no hair on my chest.
Thank you, Mary.
George, it was a wonderful evening, but I'm afraid we've got to be off.
Sally! Really? So soon? I didn't even get a chance to tell Sally about my discharge.
That's not appropriate, dad! From the air force! Oh.
Well, hey why don't you take Sally to the Rutherford air and space museum tomorrow.
You can tell her all about it.
Hey, but I thought we were gonna have lunch tomorrow, magpie.
Oh, that's Ok.
Well, I'd love to go.
They've got a perfectly reconstructed p-38 lightning.
Could we get it and pretend we're bombing cities? I'll slip the guard a fiver.
Oh, you are awesome! Hey, Tommy, do you like egg salad? 'Cause I like egg salad.
Harry, if you eat Dick's lunch before we find him, then we have no reason to find Dick.
That's a load off.
Ooh, look! An exhibit on the early days of radio.
This is just the college's cruddy old radio station.
I'm pretty sure that guy's animatronic.
Hey, Eddie.
Are you the D.
? Huh? No.
He left for spring break.
What? You mean there is no D.
? Well, isn't that kind of cheating people? This is, like, 8 watts, man.
I mean, how many people is that, like Oh! Eddie! Can I be your D.
? Uh, I don't know.
Do you have any experience? Why, yes, I do! Yes.
I was in charge of the morning drive time zoo crew team at wlmnop.
I can work the knobs perfect.
Oh, knock yourselves out.
All right! Ooh! Oh, uh, just don't curse and don't spill Nothin', and if ya spill somethin', don't curse.
Oh, wait-- wait a second.
Whoa! Whoa! What do I say? In 432 good morning, Rutherford.
I'm Harry Solomon.
It's 10:52 in the A.
Here at wpdl.
It's a sunny day, and I've got a sunny way to play.
Here's one of my favorites, and I hope it's one of yours.
See if you recognize this one.
Put the tape in.
I don't know how.
Welcome to talk radio, people.
Vroooom! Rat-a-tat-tat- tat-Tat-tat! Oh, how was the air and space museum? It was terrific! I had the best time! Ooh! So, you sure you don't mind me taking the Lincoln? Not at all.
You run your errands in style.
I'm gonna pick up that Ella Fitzgerald Cd.
Oh, you're gonna love it! Oh, I know I will ' cause you know what I like.
Oh, isn't she sweet? You know, muffin, if I didn't know better, I'd say that little gal really likes me.
Well, of course she does.
You're wonderful.
I mean she really likes me.
Oh, please.
She didn't want to leave the air museum.
Well, obviously, she has some perverse interest in old war relics.
In my opinion, if dogs were meant to be on leashes, they would have been born with them.
And don't give me that tired, old argument that their tails are leashes.
Ok, let's check in with the traffic with our good buddy Tommy g! Thank you very much.
Well, uhthere's a truck out there, and now it's gone.
Back to you, Harry! Let's be careful out there, people! Ooh, hey, we got an in-studio guest: miss Nina Campbell! Hey, you guys, I turned on the radio, and I couldn't believe it! This is so great! Yeah.
I wanna send some shouts out to Steven and bobby and Clarisse-- ooh! And Reggie and shy girl and little b and-- no.
This is my show.
Ooh, we've got a caller on line 1.
Go ahead, caller.
I totally disagree with you on that whole leash law thing.
Oh well, that's too bad because you, my friend, are wrong.
You tell him, Harry! Yeah! Next sound you hear will be the sound of me hangin' up on a dumb ass.
Ok, so far you've attacked leash laws, city council, and some old lady.
Yeah, but I'm runnin' out of stuff to say.
I mean, we need a guest.
Oh, you know who you should have on? George Albright.
He killed a Nazi with his bare hands.
That's cool.
Well, you certainly are spending a lot of time with that man.
Well, why not? He's great.
He's not like any guy I've ever met.
He's so confident.
I mean, look at all the plaid he wears.
Well, I will admit he is jazzy.
Oh, yeah.
He's got style, plus he smells like spices.
Old spices.
Dick, I finally understand your Albright attraction.
It must be their Dna.
They're irresistible.
Yes! At last I'm understood! There's something about them, a charm a magnetism a strength a quiet force-- they're both a pain in the ass.
I don't know, you guys.
Do you really think a guy like George would be interested in a gal like me? Sally, why would a guy in his 70s want to be with a woman in her 20s? Oh! [Knock on door] Oh, hey, Albright, is George here? Oh, actually, he just went out.
With who? To get a paper.
Come in.
Come in.
You know, Sally, mother and dad do this every year, and I do not look forward to it, so thank you for helping me out.
Dad appreciates it.
He really does.
He does? He said that? Tell me exactly what he said, right now.
Oh! He's having a ball, and I know it's not easy entertaining dad all day.
No, no.
I like it.
You're so lucky.
Your dad is amazing.
Well, I'm really glad you get to spend some time with my dad.
Oh, yeah.
But I must warn you.
Sometimes he gets a little carried away, and he gets these ideas.
All I'm asking is that you be gentle with him, Ok? Ok.
No more wrestling.
I'm serious.
I won't do it again.
Ok, Don.
Thanks for coming down.
We know how busy you are.
We appreciate your time.
It's my pleasure.
In fact, I think I got an interesting story for you guys.
In 432 and we're back! Well, look who dropped by to say hello.
Officer Don orvel.
Or as he's known on the streets, Madge with a badge.
I've got this story for you guys.
Yeah, so tell me, officer bacon bits when you're working over a suspect, does that make you feel like a big man? [Man screams on tape] Well, Harry, I try not to abuse my badge, which brings me to my story.
It's about-- boring! So, Don, tell me, what do you think about old dudes dating young, hot babes? Is it smart or skanky? I don't know.
I guess I'm down with that.
Mm, you're down with that? Yeah.
I am.
I'm down with that.
Yeah! He's down with that.
Well, would you still be down with it if the young, hot babe was, oh, say, Sally and the old dude was Albright's dad? That I'm not down with.
So, Sally likes Mr.
Ha, that's messed up.
Oh, we've got a caller on line one.
You're on the air with Harry Solomon.
Sally: yeah, this is, um, Thelma from Ohio.
It's none of your business what I do, and if you idiots keep talking about me, I'm gonna beat your faces in with a monkey wrench when you get home.
New topic.
Michelle pfeiffer's lips.
Are they real? Daddy? You still up? Yes.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Albright! Albright! I'm being gentle.
Heads up! I'm coming into the room! I can't sleep.
We have to talk.
Let's talk.
I'd like to speak to my father alone, please? Oh, Ok.
Good night, sugar.
Oh, listen, um, George and I want to take you and Dick out to dinner tomorrow night.
Oh, goody.
A double date with my dad.
Please go.
Mary, listen, I just want you to know now that George and I are together, and I'm not gonna try to replace your mother, Ok? And I I just hope to become a way better mother and gradually turn you against her.
I'm not gonna call you mummy.
Sally's fine.
Oh! Listen, I want to take you shopping next week, get you a pretty new dress.
Would you like that? Did I tell you she's got the hots for me? Was I right? Stop this foolishness and go back to mother! No! After 45 years of pure misery, I finally think there's a plan for the universe.
Why her? Well, she listens to me.
She finds me interesting.
I'm crazy about her.
And that's why I think I'm gonna give her this.
That's mother's heirloom bracelet.
Well, Martha doesn't wear it anymore.
I've been waiting for her to die to get that! We all have.
We all have.
Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you come down to the station and make me, ya big jerk?! [Pow] Harry, she was 8 years old.
She just wanted to know if it was gonna rain.
[Boom] You just stifle it, little man.
So George thinks we should take a cold water cruise, because it's far more interesting than doing that whole island thing.
Oh, yeah.
There's nothing like snuggling up on the deck with your sweetie and a hot toddy.
Where the hell have you been? And don't go too far! Would you like to dance? Oh, I'd love to.
Oh, whoopsie, Mary.
Let me get it.
Good double-baked potatoes.
Look at those two.
Who? Woody and soon-yi over there.
This world works in wonderful and mysterious ways.
What does that mean? Those two people could be fated to fall in love, just when your mother was conveniently out of the way.
Look at him dancing, gushing all over her.
Dancing? Making a fool of himself.
Is this mayonnaise or horseradish? Of course I know what it is with Sally.
She's just trying to replace the father she lost.
Oh! Oh! Whatever it is, it's hot.
Don't tell me I'm jealous, because I'm not! My mouth is on fire.
That's my daddy! That's my napkin! Daddy, you want to dance with me? Well, sure kitten.
I'll dance with you, Sally.
He called her kitten! I'm kitten! Can't you be pumpkin? I don't want to be pumpkin! We're gonna have to get some things straighten out if she's gonna be my mother-in-law.
But aren't you gonna be her stepmother? Whatever.
Excuse me.
Uh, shall we dance? Dad-- no! Why? Sally, people are watching.
Oh, yeah? Ohh! I was dancing with my daddy.
No! You were dancing with my boyfriend.
He was my daddy way before he was your boyfriend.
Listen, I think you'd better grow up.
George and I are a thing, and you just better get used to it, Missy.
Well, you just better get used to me! Is there something wrong, kittens? No! Nothing! Ok.
We're back.
Let's go to the phones.
Who's on? Nobody.
We haven't had a call since you made fun of that lady's dead cat.
Maybe we need a new topic.
Ooh, that's a good idea.
Hey! Let's go one-on-one with Nina Campbell.
So, Nina, how many dates have you had lately, like zero? What? No, no, no! It's Ok.
I think I know what the problem is.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You're a great big loser.
I don't have to take this! Yes, you do 'cause you're a loser.
I'm out of here! Wait, Harry, what are you doing? Well, I'll tell you what I'm not doing.
I'm not just sitting there being a pimple rancher.
How's the new crop this year, teen boy? This is over.
I am gone! Oh, go! Leave! I don't care.
I don't need any of you.
Come baaack! [Knock on door] Hey, Sally.
Hey, George.
Listen, we have to talk.
Well, come in.
What's the matter? Well, um, I've been thinking.
And, uh, I think we should cool things off a bit.
Oh, if I had a nickel for every secretary I've said that to.
No, no, no, I'm serious.
Well, why? Well, I just-- I'm not ready to be with somebody who has children.
What, Mary? She really can take care of herself.
Oh, let's not fool ourselves, George.
She's gonna be a lot of work.
You can't just ignore her.
You know that.
She's old.
This isn't easy for me, Ok? I don't want to penalize you for being a great dad.
It's just-- I have to be selfish here.
I knew I should've closed this deal the night we met.
I knew that.
I think maybe you should go back to your wife.
Aw well, I usually do.
Well, there you go.
Bye, sugar.
I'm sorry for the way I acted the other night.
Maybe we should all talk this out.
There's nothing to talk about.
Martha and I-- I'm going back to mother.
Really?! Yeah, he is.
And I'm sorry if this caused any friction in your relationship.
But, Mary, I just want you to know something.
I could've had him.
She ain't lying.
Captioned by the national dad, are you sure you have everything? Yeah.
Mary, I wouldn't mention this Sally thing to mother.
Gee, dad, I don't know if I can do that.
My lips are sealed.