3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Just Your Average Dick (1)

[Grumbling] Damn that channel 9 weatherman! What? It's not raining.
I know.
I cut through his yard, and the sprinklers went off.
Car wash again? Do you see any soap? Dr.
Albright, they're having a reception for that new professor.
Should I Rsvp? Please.
Oh, uh, me, too, Nina.
Dick, this guy's kind of a big shot, so when you meet him, try not to act so brilliant? No.
Athletic? Uh, well-- gorgeous? Weird.
Weird as in sexy? Weird as in weird.
Oh, so suddenly I'm weird.
Not so suddenly, Dick.
I said it today, I said it yesterday, I say it every day.
Oh, I thought that was just a running joke we had.
I'd do something, then after the fire trucks left, you'd let me have it.
Ha ha.
All in good fun.
Dick, you and your family-- I know you mean well, but sometimes it's like being around the Addams family.
Well I will admit that john Adams' views of a strong central government may have been ahead of their time-- that's not who I meant.
John quincy Adams?! You're comparing me to that freak show?! Oh! Tommy, tell me if this milk tastes bad.
We're kind of busy right now, Sally.
We have to write about our family's history for class.
Um my family came to America in 1852 on a dutch schooner.
How about yours? Well, um, my great-grandfather, uh escaped from the Nazis through the alps with his family and their singing nanny.
Um, Tommy? Yeah? That's the sound of music.
Yeah, I know.
And don't think that we're not suing! Hey.
Don't throw that away.
Why, do you recycle? No.
I'm trying to get into the Guinness book of world records for the world's biggest can collection.
How many do you have? So far? Just the one.
I'm glad you're here.
Tell me, do you think that we are weird? Well, um I don't think that-- oh, come on, come on.
I won't be offended.
You can be honest.
Umsometimes you can be a little weird.
And you're a pedantic little twerp! Now get out of the house! Why does everybody keep saying that we're weird? Jealousy.
No, come on.
This is important.
Our mission is to be average human beings.
Is it possible that we're not fitting in as well as we think? Well, Dick, you can be a little weird.
You're the weirdo.
Weird as in sexy? You're both freaks.
Oh, yeah, compared to you? [All talking at once] Hey, hey.
Anybody got a can? Harry, tell me if this milk tastes bad.
Dick: family meeting! Family meeting! What you got there? Books.
Lots of books.
What for? We're not fitting in.
Apparently, being human involves more than just and the occasional major orifice.
What we have here is the almanacs of man.
Statistics on lifestyles and behavioral studies.
We've got to become completely average Americans, and that takes work! Now , come on, start reading.
Ah, look! It says the average American uses 4.
1 pounds of butter a year.
Orally? It says that the average American commute is 22 minutes.
Oh, no.
I'm only 5 minutes from work.
Tomorrow take the riding mower.
Statistically, at least one of us should be divorced by now.
Ooh! I want that one! And 10% of us should be gay.
That's not why we got divorced.
a minority.
We've got to go with the majority, the average.
The average family of 4 lives in a 3-bedroom residence.
We're going to have to move.
You better tell Dubcek.
Oh, she's going to be upset.
I'm sure she'll be fine.
Dubcek! Mrs.
Dubcek: what? We're moving! Mrs.
Dubcek: like hell you are! And this area, which I've designated "x," is the guest suite, which opens into "y," creating a lovely area for entertaining: "Z.
" Is it cable-ready? Does the walk-in closet have ample storage space? I don't know.
I'm just telling you: it does.
Solomon, does the university know that you're using your class time to try and sublet your apartment? Just for that, Karen, you're going to miss out on this unique opportunity.
How much is the rent? Cool! I'm in! That's less than my mom charges! Uh, come on in, fellas.
Watch your step.
Well, this is it.
Cool! Party! I want you boys to know I'm in bed by 11:00.
Well, you know, we'll keep it down.
No, I just wanted you to know.
This is the living room well, I think we're ready.
Good-bye, Mrs.
I believe it was Mr.
William Shakespeare who said, "parting is such sweet sorrow--" bye-bye now.
Well, onward to a new life.
Everything's so beige.
A perfectly neutral color for perfectly neutral living.
Hey! I've seen this before.
This is stain-resistant carpet.
That's a good place for a chair.
Everything's falling into place.
Yeah, but something isn't quite right does it fit? Mine does.
It feels great! Look out! [Popping] You know, it is amazing the advances the swedes have made in the science of furniture, especially considering they have only one known tool.
This stuff is genius.
You guys, look what I got! America's number one pain reliever, America's leading chunky peanut butter, and America's favorite mustard for over Hey, this bread is recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists for their patients who chew bread.
Guys, I have a date with Mary.
Which shirt looks, better, this one or this one? [Knock on door] Hi.
Come in.
I'm flora.
And I'm Steve.
I'm Dick.
Hi, Dick.
Are those dockers? Yes, they are! I have those exact pants.
Well, we just wanted to welcome you to the building.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
By the way, is that your red convertible parked outside? Oh, don't worry.
We'll be replacing it soon with a minivan or a sport-utility vehicle.
Good choice.
And, uh your assigned parking spot is g-14.
And so you know, we don't do laundry after 10 P.
Is everything so regimented around here? Well, we have a pretty active tenants' association.
Oh! Could I join? Well, sure.
There's a meeting tonight.
We have to tell you, we're so glad to be rid of the last people who lived here.
They stored all kinds of junk on their balcony.
It's so nice to have some normal people here.
Normal! Normal! Normal! Normal! Thank you.
And you, sir? I can't decide.
What is your most popular dish? Well, a lot of people like the steak fajitas.
Then steak fajitas it is.
And, uh, how would you like it cooked? Medium.
And the sauce, sir? Medium.
And your drink? Cola, medium.
No, wait.
Yes, medium.
So, How'd you like the movie? It's the number one movie in America.
But did you like it? It's America's favorite movie, and that's good enough for me.
I guess it was Ok.
Way up.
I'm having a nice time.
You are? That's true.
You've neither screamed nor cried all evening.
This is cause for a celebration.
Waiter? A bottle of your most average champagne.
How's it coming, Harry? Well, I had a little trouble.
We were trying to put the support rod from the uben into the flord slot, but that crisis is past.
Look at us.
We're doing great.
Everything's coming together.
Oh, I'm reading a great john grisham novel.
It's about a young southern lawyer who fights an evil corporate giant.
Hey, my grisham's about that, too.
So is my grisham! Hey, guys.
Who are you? It's me Tommy.
Well, you can't be Tommy.
Tommy looks like a girl.
I went to the megacuts.
Well, if you're Tommy, answer me this: are we, or are we not aliens? Yeah, Dick, we are.
Tommy! Ah, there's my grisham.
Here we go.
This thing-- whatever it is-- has got to go.
Just have them haul all this away.
Are you sure? Yes, Nina, I'm sure.
It's just that you're acting kinda strange.
Me, strange? I'm textbook normal.
If anyone is strange, it's you.
You exercise too much, you drive a stick shift, you drink root beer.
Oh, and you're black.
What's strange about being black? Let's face it, Nina, most white people aren't.
But they want to be.
What's going on? I'm just getting rid of some of these kooky knickknacks.
What could I have been thinking? I don't know.
I think it's kind of nice having personal touches around the office.
I was thinking about getting one of those big ficuses.
Whoa, hold on there, Courtney love.
The circus is a fun place to visit, but you don't want to live there.
Can I have your Mr.
Potato head? Sure.
Go ahead.
Oh, hi, Jeff.
Thanks so much for coming.
I suppose you're wondering why we asked you here.
Well, is that your doormat? Yeah.
So? Well, it doesn't really go with the building's decor, now, does it? What's the difference what color my doormat is? Well, there are but we haven't used either of those now, have we? No, but it's just that-- what were we thinking? Were we thinking, "hmm, I know better than the other Well, I just thought it would give my place a little personality.
Oh, Jeff! We don't have room for personality in this complex.
What we need to do is abide by the rules we've all agreed to, right? Ok.
So bye-bye.
Hi, Marjorie.
Come here, sweetie.
Now, it seems as though we put a little dried flower wreath on our door.
What were we thinking? So, Sally, do you like it here? Oh, I love willow glen.
It's like no place else on earth.
No except oak bridge, willow brook, and glen brook.
I can't remember life before willow glen, and I can't imagine life after it.
Oh! I almost forgot.
I got you a housewarming present.
[Gasps] Mary, thank you.
Oh, it's wonderful! What is it? It's a wind chime.
You put it in the window, and the wind rushes through it and makes a lovely sound.
Sound? As in "noise"? Yeah.
Well, it's far too pretty to take out of the box.
I know.
I'll just use it to store under the sink.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Jenga! Jenga! Jenga! That was good fun.
Say, who wants to do something completely crazy? I do! I'm game! Mary? God, yes.
Let's go get some frozen yogurt! Come on, Mary! You won't believe it's fat-free.
Mary? Oh! Hi, Dick.
Well, why aren't you working in the office? Uh I--I thought I'd save myself the walk.
I have another class coming in.
What, now? Uhin 3 hours.
I had a really good time last night.
It's too bad you had to leave so suddenly, but leaving both your iron and your stove on, I guess that can be pretty dangerous.
Take your seats, please! Just because I'm a little late doesn't mean you shouldn't be ready to learn.
Now who knows the answer to question number 4? Well, who are you? I'll ask the questions, thank you very much.
Oh! You must be Dr.
The answer I'm looking for is "marsupial.
" Please concentrate.
Uh, uh, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
I'm Mary Albright.
This is Dick Solomon.
We're both professors here.
Well, in that case, you can't possibly take my class.
Please leave.
But--but this is her room.
Well, then you leave me no alternative.
I must leave.
Auf wiedersehen.
So that's the university's idea of a hotshot professor? Oh, they say he's quite brilliant.
Well, I say he's quite weird.
He certainly doesn't fit in around here.
No, no, no, no.
He's too loud, too colorful, too interesting.
Thank you.
Come on, Dick, we could use a little eccentricity around here.
I mean, it's getting a little dull, don't you think? A guy could take that personally.
Excuse me.
Is this the ladies' room? Well, I believe that is it.
As they say in Sweden fahrvergnugen.
Hey, Dick, what are you doing home? I thought you were taking Albright to that new starbucks.
Oh, the one down the street from the old one? No, the one in between the 2 kinko's.
Across from the Barnes & noble? It doesn't matter which starbucks! She canceled on me.
I don't understand.
Things were going so well.
Why wouldn't she like me? Yeah.
You're just like every other guy in town.
There's absolutely nothing remarkable or distinctive about you.
And yet she resists.
But you're completely homogenized! There's nothing not to like! How much less does she want from you? Well, it is her problem, 'cause we're doing great.
Couldn't be better.
I'm completely miserable.
I hate it here.
Kill me now.
Oh, my.
I thought you guys liked it here.
We were just saying that 'cause we thought you liked it here.
I don't like it.
I hate it! I thought you liked it! I don't like it! I miss my coat.
I miss my gnome.
Well, hey, I miss my hair! There's some things you can't go back on.
We have to tough this out.
We did it for the sake of the mission.
No! This was a mistake! Becoming more average didn't make us more human! It made us less! All my bumps and quirks.
That's what made me so delightfully Harry.
Pack up, boys.
We're going home! Going home?! Come on! We just got this thing together! I'll be in the car.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Sally, uh I've, uh I've made a command decision.
We're moving back.
Is that what we're doing? We're not happy, so we're just going to break our lease and move? Yeah.
More or less.
No, Dick, we can't do that.
You see, I'm in the majority now.
There are more of us than there are of you, and that makes us right.
I'm a member of a community, a community that embraces wholesome American values.
And if you cross us we will destroy you.
[All gasp] Now, if you'll excuse me I spotted a mezuzah on 2-C.
And clearly, the oversize door knocker on 6-b will set an unfortunate precedent, so I think it behooves all of us to nip this problem in the bud.
Hear, hear! Yeah.
That's right.
Ok, the next order of business is-- [Tinkling] What's that noise? Oh, uh I put up Mary's wind chimes.
"Wind chimes"? Oh, we don't do that here.
No, we do not, flora.
Solomon, take those down right away.
Thank you very much.
[Motor running] Ok-- is that a leaf blower? Diesel.
Well, you can't run a leaf blower here! Oh, tell me about it.
[Woof woof] It scared the hell out of Tommy's dog.
[Woof woof woof] Oh, it's Ok, boy.
It's all right.
Let me tell you, when he gets scared, he's no friend of carpet.
This is unacceptable! You Solomons have been horrible tenants! I call for an emergency eviction vote! I second the motion! All in favor.
Well, then it's unanimous.
Ok, the next order of business would be the hedge committee-- Sally.
Uh, yes, Steve? You live with them.
Umwell, can I move in with you? Nope.
But I'm one of you.
You're one of them.
Come on, Sally, it's time.
Oh! Oh! Come on, dear.
But I don't want to go! Without me, this place is going to be colorful and--and pretty w-With little critters and birdies tweeting all over the place! You'll regret this! Becoming average was interesting, but once we got there, it wasn't interesting at all.
I mean, those people who weren't weird were soweird.
Then I became like them, which was really weird.
Well, live and learn.
We're back to our normal selves.
[Clears throat] Except for Tommy, who has a little cough.
Otherwise, everything's as it should be.
Am I right, fellas? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm turning in.
Yeah, me, too.
Which one of you guys is bunking down with me? That would be me.
Well, don't hog the blankets because I sleep in the nude.
That's a good idea! I'm going to have to try that.
You guys want to crash in my van? Yeah.
Captioned by the national [Buzz] [Buzzing] What the hell was that? [Buzzing approaching] Whoooo whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, ho ho! Oh, Mary, there's nothing better than this! He's baaaack.