3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Eat, Drink, Mary (1)

Hey, guys.
What's going on? Why don't you tell us what's going on? What do you mean? Where did you find those? In your sock drawer.
How could you? After all we've done for you.
It's not what you think.
It's exactly what I think.
It's oregano and fresh rosemary.
I can't believe it.
You can cook! You punk! No! No, I can't cook.
I swear! Then how do you explain this? This, uh it's marijuana.
This whole time we've been eating her slop, and you're a damn gourmet! No! No, it's pot.
I swear.
I--I smoke it with my friends.
I--I love to toke up on the fat daddies dude.
Oh, I blame myself.
How could I have missed all the signs? I mean, just last month I was doing laundry, and I found a measuring spoon in his pants.
I was as blind as you, Sally.
At the mall he said he was going to the comic book store, but I saw him come out of the Williams-Sonoma.
Oh! Oh, Tommy.
It's confectioners' sugar! Confectioners' sugar?! So you've been baking, too! Oh! Look what your selfishness has done to Sally.
Get out of my sight! Oh, but first, make me a spinach and fennel frittata.
Hey, Tommy.
What do you got? They had some really nice snapper.
Oh, great! I gotta say I feel liberated not having to sneak around all the time.
It's just so nice being able to wear my apron out in the open.
Well, that breakfast was great.
You know, I've never had a spinach frittata.
Incoming message from the big giant head.
Oh, my god.
Dick, get in here! What is it? Our records indicate that your status report is 22 days late.
Please submit your finished report to the big giant head's personal assistant, big giant jenny.
I hate that bitch.
Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1.
Oh, what's going on? Dick didn't finish the status report.
You didn't?! Oh, come on.
It's not a big deal.
Anyway, I've had more important things on my mind.
This weekend, Mary and I are celebrating our anniversary.
Anniversary of what? The second anniversary of our first real date and its real-date consequences.
Infer at will.
She's not even your girlfriend.
Well, we don't choose to restrict ourselves with terms like girlfriend and boyfriend.
We don't corral our emotions.
We let them run free on the open plains of ambiguity.
So Mary won't let you call her your girlfriend.
She prefers that I don't.
Hello, Harry.
Vicki! You're alive! Oh, very much so.
Ohh! But--but there's something you should know.
Oh, please don't say the alphabet.
Harry, while I was away, I-- I had needs.
Oh, really? And I could not help but involve myself with men in an overly carnal, naked way.
What are you saying? I had a boyfriend.
His name was randy.
But--but it's all over now, Harry.
Oh, really? Yes, really.
Well, that's good enough for me.
Mary: June is busting out all over all over the meadow and the hill ha ha! Ha ha! Just finished your last class.
You know it! Ha ha! You're gonna miss those kids, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
That's why I never learn their names.
It would be too hard.
Yes! Nina.
Hi, Dick! Oh, ho ho ho ho ho ho! Oh, you're in a good mood.
I am.
Would it have anything to do with a certain special day? Of course.
It is the most fantastic day of the year.
Oh, I couldn't agree more.
In fact, I'm throwing a little party for us to celebrate it.
Great! Nina, do you have any plans for Saturday night? Oh, I have a concert.
Oh, terrific.
That spares me the awkwardness of not inviting you.
Well? Tommy, you have reinvented the sandwich.
Uh, actually, it's a panini.
Tommy, you have reinvented the panini sandwich.
No, no, no.
Panini is Italian for sandwich.
Tommy, you have invented the Italian panini sandwich.
Oh, good night, Don.
Good night, Sally.
And, by the way, kick-Ass date! Ooh, come in for a second.
Hey, you guys! Big news.
Don and I were seeing a movie-- uh, Sally? And old Donny here got to second base! That's up my shirt! Donny, good for you! Way to go! Oh, hey, Don, you should see them in the light.
[Imitates radio call] Roger.
I--I gotta go.
I'm working on a pair of hot tips.
And--a firm bust.
A big--big bust.
There's been a murder! Bye, Mr.
Happy hands.
Oh, god.
That was fun.
I want more.
More what? Well, I'm not sure, but I think I'm ready to lose my virginity.
Hey! Good for you, lieutenant.
I want Don to go to third base.
Wait, Sally, that's still gonna leave you 90 feet short.
Hey, you know, I have the perfect opportunity.
Saturday night I'm hosting a romantic dinner party.
You and Don should come.
That's perfect! Yeah.
Tell him to swing for the fence.
I will! Tommy? Who disturbs me? Why weren't you in school today? Were you sick or something? Yes.
Sick over the lack of fresh rapini greens in this cursed town.
How did you learn to cook? I should just as soon ask, "how did you learn to breathe?" Now stir this creme fraiche.
For how long? Until your arm falls off.
Oh, Vicki! Wow.
Everybody looks so nice.
I feel like I'm at the track.
Vicki, you remember my true love, Dr.
Mary Albright? Oh, yes.
Nice to see you again, Vicki.
Oh, yes, ma'am, it's nice to see you, too.
You know, I have this little pain in my lower back-- oh, Vicki, I'm not that kind of doctor.
I'm a doctor of anthropology.
What is that? Is that, like, the rear? So I said to the burglar, "not your pants, the gun!" The gun! Ha ha! Ha ha! Oh, that--that didn't really happen.
So, you mean to tell me you really didn't know what you were doing the first time? Oh, please.
I didn't know what I was doing.
He didn't know what he was doing.
The bus kept making all those stops.
Yeah, but you figured it out.
Yeah, it was awkward at first.
But, you know, once we got that seat to ourselves.
It got better.
So the thieves drove off, and his wooden leg was still in the car! Oh, my god! Ha ha! Hi, hi, hi.
Vicki, these just came for you.
Oh, my.
Honey, you shouldn't have.
Oh, gee.
Look, there's a card.
Oh, gee.
"I will never stop loving you.
Love, randy.
" Oh, gee.
This came for you, too, Harry.
"Harry, watch your back, randy.
" Well, that's just good advice.
First, I'd like to thank you all for coming to our little fete.
Today we celebrate the defining moment of my life.
And I know I speak for Mary when I say that she feels the same way.
Happy anniversary, darling.
Excuse me? Happy anniversary.
To us.
Don't you remember? Uh-oh.
this night I irrevocably gave you my heart and my body.
But apparently that means nothing to you.
No, now I remember! Ha ha! Happy anniversary, Dick.
Who has room for kiwi tarts? I don't! Open the door, Dick.
Sally, maybe Dick needs some time to cool off.
I know, but my bedroom's through his.
Can't it wait? Yeah, I guess it can.
I just thought we could have sex now.
Dick! Dick, I'm gonna count to 3, and then I'm blowing the locks off! It's cold, but the sauce is so delicious.
What do you put in it? You think I'm going to share my secret recipe with you? Would I make a confidante of my pot scrubber? I think not! Vicki, another delivery for you.
Not from randy?! Eww! Eww! You don't have to be quincy to know that's a pig's heart.
Well, it's a nice thought.
I'll go get a vase.
Sally, we're in! Dick.
I don't like you.
Oh, let me explain.
You can explain, but I still won't like you.
Uh, don't mind us.
Police line.
Do not cross.
My family was right.
We don't have a real relationship.
Dick, you're overreacting.
Oh, am I? Do you know what I went through to make this evening special for us-- the planning? The preparation? Do you think this ensemble just threw itself together? What do you want me to say? What I want is for you to say you're sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, and that's supposed to just magically make it all better? You're sorry?! Look, Dick, there have been plenty of times when you have done stupid and insensitive things.
Aha! So you admit that what you did was stupid and insensitive.
Something I might do.
What are you getting at? For the first time, Mary, you are just as stupid and insensitive as I am! Ok.
We're equally dumb.
Happy, Dick? Well, happiEr.
So, uh, Don.
You ready? Yes.
So--so we're gonna do it? I want to do it.
You want to do it? I want to do it.
So, uh, you ready to rock my world? Well, you're-- [Clears throat] Definitely in for a jostle.
What are you doing? I'm--I'm taking off my clothes.
Oh, right.
Yes! Let's get naked.
That's brilliant! This is gonna be great, isn't it? I think I'm gonna like it.
Well, good.
And--and even if I don't, it won't last that long, right? Well, Sally, I, uh-- no.
Uh, Sally, uh, if there's anything in particular that you would like, I'd be more than happy to oblige.
Oh, are you kidding? There's--there's lots of stuff I like.
I mean, there's that whole-- the famous, uh, triple-- I'll be right back! So, what has this flagrant display of insensitivity taught you, Mary? That you don't have a monopoly on idiotic behavior.
So, Dick, can you forgive and forget? Oh, I forgive.
But I don't forget.
And I don't forgive.
I've been watching you all night.
And you're a genius.
My genius.
I'm hungry for you, Tommy.
And I know you hunger for me.
Oh, Tommy! Oh, August.
[Ding] Oh, wait.
My soufflé.
Oh, Tommy, Tommy! Let it burn.
[Slams oven door] You don't understand me at all.
Get out of my kitchen! You chefs are all alike.
So, you mean he's willing to do whatever you want? Yeah, but I just don't know what to ask him for.
Whoa! That's what we call a high-class problem.
It is? Look, it all depends on your mood, you know? Are you feeling naughty? Saucy? Rambunctious? Actually, I'm feeling a little gassy.
Well, then get the hell out of our room! Ok! You go for it, girl.
Man! Now where were we? Well, let's see I am Dr.
Monica van kleef, chief of neurosurgery at general hospital, and you have a very serious condition that could relapse at any moment.
Yes, I'm not feeling very stable! Incoming message from the big giant head.
Patient exhibiting dangerous erotic symptoms.
Your status report is now 23 days late.
Oh, yeah, baby.
I've been a naughty girl! Penalties for lack of compliance will be swift and severe.
Oh, you make me pay that penalty, Harry! Oh! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Big giant! Big giant! All right, let's go over it one more time, shall we? Oh, Dick, can't we just let it go? May 20, 1996, We arrive together at the restaurant, and what happens? We sit down.
I order teriyaki shrimp, you order water.
Dinner is lovely.
We make out.
I take you home and make the biggest mistake of my life! What? Falling for you! Oh! Since that day, I have gotten very good at forgiving.
You embarrass me in front of my colleagues, I forgive you.
You kill my fish, I forgive you! You paint flames on my car, I forgive you.
You mock my work, you insult my parents, you destroy our engagement, and still I forgive you.
You forgave me for all that? Why do you think I'm here?! Because you're crazy in love with me? Well, I'm crazy.
In love with me? Oh, Mary.
I forgive you.
Ok, let me be the crazy mental patient now.
Incoming message-- wha?! I have to go now.
Wait a minute, hon.
Where you goin'? I gotta tell Dick something.
Can I help you? Huh? Can I help you? Yeah.
I'm lookin' for a scrawny little runt.
Well, there are a few of those around here.
Well, this guy better look out.
Oh, yeah! 'Cause I'm a bad, bad apple and I'm rotten to the core.
You note it good, baby, 'cause randy doesn't like it when people get in his way.
I'm gonna find this guy.
Oh, yeah! And when I do, I'm gonna put a hurt on him and leave this note.
"Dear Vicki, "I came to reclaim you.
Oh, yeah!" "I also intend to kidnap Harry.
" You know, I don't really feel comfortable reading other people's mail.
Heh heh heh heh.
I think you're Harry.
Well, I think you're Harry.
Uhh! Ah-ah-ah! Ohh, Don.
Ohh, Sally.
Ohh, Don.
Ohh, Sally.
I'm naughty, I'm saucy, I'm rambunctious, and I've got a high-class problem! Oh, Sally! Vicki: oh, my god! Help! Unh! Sally! Sally! Help! Help! What's going on? Randy took my Harry! What? Who took Harry? Who in Jehovah's name poked my soufflé?! [Tires squealing] Oh, my god! [All shouting] Harry's gone! Harry's gone! Harry's gone! We know! Shut up! My big giant head is gone.
Huh? What? Why did you say that? That was one of our little bedroom characters.
Incoming message, baby.
Family meeting! Family meeting! Harry's been abducted! This is not good.
He's in transmission mode.
That psycho's gonna hear him.
Our cover's gonna be blown! Harry's not gonna get to say much if the psycho cuts his head off.
Oh, thank god.
No! That's a bad thing! Will you just do something before they get too far?! The safest thing for us to do is go back to bed and let the professionals take care of it.
We ought to check out the bars by the railyards first.
Good idea.
Let's go! Oh, wait.
[Beeping] My linzer torte is ready.
[All sniff] Ahh.
Let's go! You picked the wrong guy to mess with, Harry.
Oh, yeah! I was born with teeth, baby! Ah-choo! I'm sorry.
Do you have any more tape? No.
Do you want me to try and put this piece back on? Put a sock in your blow-Hole, shamu! I'm sorry, randy.
It's just that I'm not used to-- incoming message from the big giant head.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you goin' hulk on me?! Due to your high commander's failure to submit your report in a timely manner, your interplanetary mission is now subject to audit.
What the hell? Remember, your human bodies are property of the big giant head and can be revoked at any time.
Hot diggity damn! This ain't no normal runt.
I got me a bona fide freak! There could be money in this! Oh, yeah! Captioned by the national in-a-gadda-Da-Vida [Humming] Oh, hell, this is cilantro.
It's not bad, though.
Beats the hell outta basil.