3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - What's Love Got To Do, Got To Do With Dick?

Oh, sign here.
What? No, no.
I requested a vault and a pommel horse.
I'll kill myself on this.
Dean Albright requested it.
She did? She did?! Mary! Mary! You're coming back to me! Uh, Dick, I'm kind of busy.
Of course.
Busy resigning from your post as Dean! Oh, Mary, now we'll have time again.
Time for us.
Let's go! Dick, I'm not resigning.
But the desk in my office-- ouroffice.
Oh, that.
It's for Dr.
Ravelli, our new professor of comparative literature.
She's from Harvard.
Harvard.
How nice.
I'm sure I memoed you about it.
So it's come to that, has it? I'm now nothing more to you than a tiny "cc" at the bottom of a memo.
Just another name on the distribution list, dictated but not read.
Dick, you know that's not true.
Do I? Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been terribly busy.
How about we spend some time together? Tonight.
Just the 2 of us.
Really? Absolutely.
I'll bring the wine.
Say, uh, 6:00? You've got the roundtable on tenure.
steering committee.
Well, you're open, but I could make something up.
at my place.
Oh, and, uh, Lucy what are you doing at 8:00? Nothing.
That's right.
Tommy, could you get me a bottle of bourbon from the back room? Yeah, you got it.
Hey, hey, hey, Harry.
I don't mind your underage nephew helping out around the bar here, but I'm not paying him.
Oh, no, that's Ok.
I work for beer.
All right.
So, Eric, uh, how long have you been working with Don? Just a couple of weeks.
I'm--I'm waiting to get into the k-9 unit.
Oh, what's the holdup? Well, our--our dog ran away.
But we're putting up fliers.
So, Eric, when do I get to meet your girlfriend? UhI don't have one right now.
You don't have a girlfriend? No.
Why? Is there something weird about you? No.
Sally, come on.
Eric just hasn't met the right girl, that's all.
Well, we're gonna have to do something about that.
Don: uh why? I don't know.
I mean, we're so happy together.
I just want to see all our single friends to be just like us.
Ohah, I don't think you want to do that, Sally.
Yeah, I definitely do.
Is there any way I can stop you? I don't think so.
Oh look, I'm really not looking-- you know, this isn't about you.
Hey, Harry, check this thing out.
Ohh! A hand truck.
Good for you.
Look what's on the hand truck.
What the hell is that? Oh, that's an old bar game.
The "love tester.
" It's been busted for years.
Well, can I fix it? Knock yourself out.
Well, what does it do? Well, it tells you how good a lover you are.
Oh, how? You make love to it? No, you--you just put your hand on it.
Then after a couple of dates, you make love to it.
No, you just put a nickel in it.
Wow.
A nickel for all that lovin'.
She's 3 hours late! Now, Dick, just calm down.
It's reprehensible! She's a very busy woman.
It's so insulting! Dick, calm down.
I can't! Now, don't do this to yourself.
You're worth more than this.
Mary: hello how dare you! Oh, Dick, I'm so sorry.
The tenure committee bumped into the steering committee, and then the wheels came off.
Oh.
Well, thanks to you, I had to eat both our dinners, and I'm uncomfortably full! You know, it's just as well.
That new professor, Dr.
Ravelli, just got into town, and I told her I'd take her out for drinks.
Oh, Ravelli! It's bad enough she's taking over half my office.
Now this! She's ruining everything.
I want her to go away! Oh, come on, Dick.
She's very nice.
You're going to like her.
No, I won't! I want things to be like they used to be, Mary.
Make love to me, right here on this table, like we always used to want to do.
Oh, Dick, I'd love to, but I've got to run.
How about tomorrow Ok.
No, I've got an 8:00.
Thursday's no good.
I'll pencil you in for a week from Monday.
Oh, good.
A week from Monday, Good.
Quarter of 9:00.
Good.
Bye.
Good.
Bye-bye.
A week from Monday! Well, at least she's making an effort.
Oh.
I see you're getting ready for the arrival of professor Mcbitch! Her name is Ravelli.
Oh, and my caustic joke on her name is "Mcbitch.
" Hmmthat's clever.
"Hello, I'm professor Mcbitch.
[With Boston accent] I come from Harvard.
" How snooty! She's probably told all her Harvard cronies how she's crowding out that Solomon bumpkin.
Bumpkin-- how dare she call me that! And this is your office.
Oh, uh, Jennifer Ravelli, meet Dick Solomon.
[Very British] Oh, helloo.
Oh, what a delightfully eclectic sense of décor you have.
Ah, the mockery begins.
Oh, I love it! How whimsical! Ok, the potato man we don't touch that.
Ah, Jennifer, have you met your assistant Nina Campbell? Uh, Dick, maybe you could take Jennifer on a tour of the campus later on.
Oh, fine.
But we'll have to walk.
[Hillbilly accent] My rusty old tater truck's in the shop, and I plum forgot my mule.
Ha ha ha.
Play nice.
So you teach literature, Dr.
Ravelli? The classics--Chaucer, Moliére, Cervantes so you read books for a living.
And they pay me.
Imagine! [Mocks her laugh] Soooo-eeeee.
Pig, pig, pig, pig.
Nina! Aah! Sally! Funny running into you here, huh? Uh-huh.
Hey! It just occurred to me.
I have the perfect guy for you.
His name is Eric.
He's great.
You gotta meet him.
Really? Well, what's he like? He's likea guy.
You gotta meet him.
Well, how old is he? I don't know.
Old enough, if that's what you're worried about.
Well, is he black? Uh, does it matter? No, but it would be nice, though.
Then he's black! Are you sure? Uh yep, he's black.
Isn't that great? Great.
Oh, great.
Well, Harry, thanks to my selfless efforts, right about now, Nina and Eric are probably doin' it.
It's only 7:00.
They're probably still in the restaurant.
Ooh.
Hope they got a booth.
All right.
Ok, I think I fixed it.
Let's try it out.
Machine: nyah nyah "cold fish"? I thought I had it working.
Here, let me try it.
[Bell dings] "Hot stuff.
" Looks like it's working to me.
Out of my way.
Nyah nyah this doesn't make any sense.
Hmm.
Well, don't worry about it, Tommy.
It probably just means that I'm a lot sexier than you are.
[Bell dings] Ladies.
Good morning, Dr.
Solomon.
Good morning.
I think perchance we picked a wrong foot off which to start.
So allow me this olive branch, if you will, in the form of a cappuccino.
Oh, thank you.
I don't know about you, but I like my "cappies" as I like my entendres-- [Speaking French] Double.
And I like my "cappies" as I like my French farces-- scalding yet frothy.
What are those? Oh, just a few books from my collection.
Some illuminated manuscripts I picked up in wales last summer and a first edition of pride and prejudice.
Oh, impressive.
Ah, that's leather.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's over 100 years old.
I'm sorry.
That's gilt! Sorry.
That, too! Andhand-stenciled! Don Quixote.
Yes, it's very rare.
"Sin su general y el Castillo sin su castellano" very good.
But you don't get the full impact unless you hear it in its true dialect.
Castillian.
Castillian? Well, if I may [Lisps] "Sin su general y el Castillo "sin su castellano.
Así como suele decirse" I thee.
Nina! Aah! Sally! You sure are around here a lot, aren't you? I work here.
What are you doing here? Great, yeah.
I hear that-- by the way, uh how was your date with Eric? Oh, it was fun.
Did I not tell you he's a great guy? Yes, you did.
Yes, I did! All right, when are you going to see him again? Oh, I don't think I'm going to, but thanks.
He really is nice.
What? No, no.
You-you're talking crazy.
We just didn't spark.
I'm sorry, Sally.
Not acceptable.
And once again.
[Lisping] "La mujer casada y moza sin su marido.
" No, make the tongue heavier.
[Castillian] Casada.
Cathada.
Sin su marido.
Thin Thu marido.
Roll the "R.
" It starts in the back of the throat an slowly off the tongue and off the lips.
Marrrrrido.
Yes.
I have a class.
We'll pick this up later.
Oh, yes, please.
You're a very inspiring teacher.
With very shiny hair.
I'll see you later.
Oh, have a nice class.
Bye-bye.
Good luck.
Have a nice class.
So did you manage to go 5 minutes without biting Dr.
Ravelli's head off? Oh, yes.
In fact, she's perfectly nice.
Delightful woman.
I love her.
I love her?! What's the matter with me? What have I done wrong? You haven't done anything wrong.
No, I have! Earth's not supposed to work this way.
I know how it works.
You love one person.
For me, that's Mary.
That's the one hard, solid fact I've always been able to count on.
And now there's this Jennifer.
What's going on? Aw, this planet's screwy! Oh, I mean, Nina and Eric are made for each other, but I can't get them to see it.
Well, you guys, maybe it's time to give up.
I don't know the meaning of the words "give up.
" Well, "give" is a verb meaning-- I know the meaning of the words! I just don't know what's what anymore! How can love work this way? It's totally random.
It's just electricity.
You can't control it.
It doesn't mean anything.
You really think that's true? Of course it's true.
That's just the way the machine works.
"Cold fish.
" Aah! Well, Dick, maybe it's the office, you know.
Maybe you're destined to fall in love with whoever you share the office with.
That's ridiculous.
If loved worked that way, there'd be office romances all over the place.
Businessmen having affairs with their secretaries.
Please! I can't let this happen.
No matter how tempting Jennifer is, I must be strong! I loosened it for you.
Dick? Dick! [Squeaks] Dick! [Rings] [Whispers] Hello.
Yes.
No, I can't talk right now.
I'll have to call you back.
Dick, you scamp! [Yelps] What game is this, then? I-I-I'm sorry, Jennifer.
I can't really talk just now.
I have a lot of work, as you can see.
No, no.
I see, yes.
Back to the salt mines.
Ha ha.
That's right.
Why won't you look at me? Oh, I'm not not looking at you.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not, and besides, I have excellent peripheral vision.
You never really know what I'm looking at.
All right.
What's that I smell? Oh, is that me? I wore perfume today.
Antonia's flowers a scent of the hamptons.
Is it too strong? No, no.
It's quite nice.
In fact, it's delicately, delightfully, teasingly stinking! It's giving me a headache.
Please go away.
I'm sorry, Dick.
I'm sorry.
[Laughing] What's so funny? Oh, it's Moliére.
Oh, I--I never read him.
Oh, you must.
Listen.
"Girl, you talk to much, and, I'm afraid, you're far too saucy for a lady's maid.
" Amusing, no? No! Well, then, why are you laughing? Oh, I don't know.
You make me oh, I don't know excuse me! Mary! Mary! You're got to move Jennifer out of my office.
Dick, I don't have time for this.
Well, you've got to make time.
Ok.
What's she doing that's so horrible? Well Ok, well well, she wears this perfume.
I--I try to work but I--there it is, wafting all the way over to my desk.
Waftinguh-huh.
Well, she--she--she has this laugh.
It's infectious.
Like a disease! Yeah? Ok, uh, this might not sound like much, but she touches her hair a lot.
And--and--and oh, never mind.
Dick, you wanted her out before you even met her.
If you just got to know her a little better-- no, Mary, please, help me, before our whole world comes crashing down around our heads.
Dick, you're an adult.
If you have a problem with her, deal with it yourself.
But, Mary, I can't-- [Telephone rings] Oh.
Hello? Oh, thank you for calling back.
Yes.
It's about the 3:00 meeting.
I can't possibly make it until 3:45.
Is that a problem? Oh well, could you possibly coordinate with them and find out if they can make it at 3:45? Ok.
Favorite foods.
Nina? Can you believe this? Did she tell you there was a party? She told me open sushi bar.
Listen, guys, I had no idea that she was gonna do this.
I can't say that I'm surprised, but I had no idea.
Ok, come on, guys.
Let's focus here! Ok, turnons, turnoffs.
Sally, I have to warn you, I'm about to scratch your eyeballs out! Sally, can we powwow for a moment? Aah! Can you believe this? Unreal.
I mean, jeez, I already told her our date sucked.
Isn't that enough? Excuse me.
Sucked? Sucked? Did I say sucked? Yeah, it sucked.
Sally! They're not into each other.
Just let it be.
No, Don, I know what I'm doing.
I just want them to be as happy as we are.
But we--we weren't forced together, Sally.
We came together naturally.
I mean, you were this-- thishuge boulder, and I was this tiny drop of water.
And it took time, but I kept dripping-- drip, drip, drip-- until I wore you down.
Yeah, you did.
And now look at us.
You're still a boulder, but I've worn a nice little crease in you.
Oh, you're right, Don.
If Eric and Nina are gonna find love, they're just gonna have to do it on their own.
Nyah nyah heywhy so blue, little buddy? I'm a cold fish.
I'm destined to live my life alone, unable to ignite the faintest flicker of lust in any woman.
Oh, yeah, I know how you feel.
[Bell dings] How can you know how I feel? You're hot stuff! The world's your freakin' oyster, man! Tommy! Aah! Oh! Jennifer.
Dick, you scared me well-Nigh to death.
I've been waiting for you.
For me? We have to nip this thing in the bud.
It pains me to say this, but we can't be an item.
We can't be an item? No, we can't.
And it's not because you're not beautiful, because you know you are.
And I can't pretend that your intellect doesn't intrigue me, because I'd like to drill holes in your head and suck all your thoughts out with a straw.
I'd love nothing more than to sweep you off your feet right now and take you away to some distant island where we could romp naked in the crystal waters and pay way too much for mediocre food, but what can we do? It's basically a monopoly, and the service is pretty good.
But I can't! I can't! And that's going to have to be final! I had no idea.
Oh, Dick! I've never thought of you that way.
You haven't? No.
Oh, good.
Untilyou said that.
I would never have dared dream that I could ignite a passion in such a distinguished mind as yours.
Distinguished? Oh, yes! I didn't mean for this to happen.
I didn't mean for any of this to--to--to happen.
"Hope is a lover's staff.
Walk hence with that and manage it against despairing thoughts.
" That's beautiful.
That's Shakespeare.
He's good.
oh, come on, Tommy.
Who cares what the machine says? You've got a lot going for you.
You're cute.
Great.
Oh, come on, Tommy.
There's someone out there for everyone.
You're a cold fish, so what? Find yourself a nice frigid girl.
Really? Yeah! Go on rock on, fish boy!