3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - I Am Dick Pentameter!

Dr.
Ravelli.
Dr.
Solomon.
No, no.
Before you speak, there's something I need you to know.
[Clears throat] "We've only been sharing this office 3 days, "and already I have concerns.
"What happened between us last night, "and by that, I mean the kiss, was, in hindsight, impetuous, rash" and perfect.
Oh, thank god.
I thought so, too.
Now I won't have to read the rest of this crap.
Now hold still.
Oh, I can't hold still.
You've got to hold still.
I can't.
I'm so excited to be going out with Jennifer.
She's got me all tangled up in one big, doughy love pretzel.
Dicksit down.
I'd forgotten what new love felt like.
So it's love, huh? Oh, yes.
She's brilliant, she's kind, she has the most delightful giggle.
Mary never giggles.
Right.
So was the breakup with Mary messy? No, not at all.
I haven't done it.
You haven't? Oh, no.
Who needs all that unpleasantness? Life is too short.
Dick, 2 ladies.
That could blow up in your face.
What do you mean? As a man with an active fantasy life, I can respect what you're going through, but it can't work.
You've got to do right by Mary.
You're probably right.
I've got it! I'll pick up Jennifer, then I'll swing by the office to break up with Mary, but I won't kiss Jennifer until afterwards.
Now you're talking like a man.
I look absolutely precious.
here we are.
Now, I just have to run up to the office for a little errand.
Ok.
You stay in the car, and I'll try to be quick.
Fear not.
I'll be fine, my dear darling Dick.
Wait a minute.
What's that you did there? A playful homage to my good friend Molière.
Oh, I get it.
You're rhyming.
And you do it with flair.
Scientist and poet.
How extraordinaire! Ok, Ok.
No rhyming till I get back.
Nina, could you leave for a minute? No.
Mary, we have to talk.
Ok.
Now, I want you to hear me out before you start yelling at me or throwing things.
I'm listening.
Mary, I've been talking to my good friend Don, and we think that it's time that you and I started seeing other people.
What? What with your busy schedule these days, we barely get to see each other, anyway.
Ah, here it is.
My career is getting in the way of our relationship again.
Ok, fine, Dick.
Go ahead.
Well well, that was easier than I thought.
I mean, who am I to stand in your way? Go out into your world of options.
Happy shopping.
Dr.
Albright, you know, if you take the leash off a dog, it will go in the neighbors' yard.
Nina all right, done in here.
Hey, Harry, I'm done.
You can bring the chair back in now.
Harry? I'm done.
You can bring the chair back in.
I could.
What are you saying? I'm saying that I think that this chair should stay in the kitchen.
Harry, that's a living room chair.
It's just a living room chair because you've been told it's a living room chair.
Wait until Dick hears how you've been talking.
Just try the chair.
This is weird.
Big, fluffy chair in the kitchen.
Am I right? This chair belongs here! This is madness! Is it? My god.
Feels like my eyes have been blown wide open.
It's like I've never seen the kitchen before.
I mean, never truly seen it.
Why should we accept the norms of decorating? Why should we be bound by society's draconian constrictions? Why can't I sit in a big, fluffy chair while I scramble some eggs? You can.
And why can't the toaster be in the living room so I can make toast while watching television? Oh, we can have all of these things.
Our horizons are unlimited.
I'm a little scared.
Oh, me, too, Harry.
Me, too.
Oh, Dick, you'll love this place.
Tofu dog? Wheatgrass soup? Celery ham? This is very funny.
Now, uh, where's the real menu? Dick, this is a lacto- ovo-Vegetarian restaurant.
I have a lot of allergies.
Are they bad? Well, if I eat a peanut or a nut, my face swells up, and my body explodes in hives.
Oh, that is so cute.
Here's an odd bit of trivia for you.
A lot of people don't know that a peanut is not actually a nut.
It's a legume.
Oh.
And a lot of people don't know that a walnut is not actually a peanut.
It is a walnut.
[Giggles] You nut.
You know, you remind me of my good friend Geoffrey Chaucer.
Is he gay? Because if he isn't, I don't want you hanging out with him.
Fear not, my dear Dick.
You've no competition.
Oh, how I crave you, my academician.
What say we skip dinner and rush to dessert? Listen to you, you impetuous flirt.
How did we live before this? It's tough to think that in thousands of years of human civilization, no one ever thought of this.
It just took fresh eyes to see it.
You aw I'll go get 'em.
You know, it's nice to think we'll be leavin' this planet just a little better than when we found it.
Yeah.
Guys, Dick's home.
Oh, gosh, he's gonna be so excited.
[Humming the theme from love story] Dick what do you think? I think I found my soul mate.
No.
What do you think of this? This? Oh, this is stupid.
Blasphemer! No, no! It's not his fault.
We're so cutting-Edge, it just confuses him.
People have to be eased into this.
Cutting edge? You just moved the kitchen into the living room.
[All groan] We haven't made any improvements at all.
This is just of the same old room.
Oh, god, we're idiots.
Let's move it all back.
Not so fast.
What if there was a room that combined the comfort and leisure of the living room with the food-making capabilities of the kitchen? Even I don't believe in that Xanadu.
Hold on a second.
That's a room I'd like to hear more about.
Dr.
Ravelli.
Dr.
Solomon.
A beautiful day today, is it not? I had a nice walk from the parking lot.
I noticed you had a nice shady spot.
It's a handicapped space.
I hope I'm not caught.
I'm feeling a feeling I thought I'd forgot.
Is it me, or is this room incredibly hot? Nina: ahem.
Methinks we'd best get back to work.
Youthinks? Mmm, that's very street.
Street? Circa 1638.
That's so funny.
I'm gonna go write it down.
Gosh, she's annoying.
How can you say that? You barely know her.
Do you? I don't need to know her.
I love her.
Are you talking about me? Oh, yes.
My ears are burning.
Let me put them out with my tongue.
[Giggles] Dick, I was wondering if I could--oh, excuse me.
Excuse me! Dick, what's going on? Mary, what's the big Humpty-Doo? You and I agreed to see other people.
Well, I never thought you'd-- I mean, look at this.
I must say, this is awkward.
I had no idea you two had a history.
Well, we did! What say I take a walk? Dick, I can't believe you'd do this.
Do what? Find somebody who has time for me? Who's devoted to me? Birds gotta fly, Mary.
Fish gotta swim.
Camel's gotta carry water over long expanses of desert.
You know what I'm saying.
Well, tell me this.
What does a rat do? Because I'm looking at one right now.
Where? Aah! Aah! Oh, you mean me.
So this is it? The end of us? Are you happy, Dick? I am.
Ohh! Well, you asked! If I'd known that you and Mary were an item were an item.
Past tense.
It's over.
Mary and I had some good times.
Actually, we had-- wow, 2 years together.
And when did you know it was over? Tuesday, around lunchtime.
Well, 2 years is pretty good.
My longest relationship was a month and a half.
A month and a half? Well, maybe not that long.
[Giggles] I'll have the joy of soy.
Deux.
You really love that joy of soy.
It's one of the only protein sources I'm allowed.
Oh.
Ever? Uhkinda.
I'm allergic to nuts and peanuts.
A lot of people don't know that a peanut is not actually a nut it's a legume.
It's a legume.
Yes, you mentioned that before.
Oh, Dick, pray tell, have I become a bore? I find you delightful.
Now please tell me more.
Ooh, ohh, this smells-- mmm.
This smells-- this has no smell.
No.
It's so good for you.
So, Jennifer, tell me a little bit aboutyou.
Well, I love to read books.
I could read Molière all day.
Yes, I know that.
But beyond that.
Tell me all about Jennifer Ravelli.
I had a bird once.
A bird.
Oh, good.
Yes, tell me about your bird.
His name was Molière.
You have a little tofu on your lip.
This smoothie is delicious.
Please, have a sip.
Ahh.
Thank you, but no.
Just, please, go like this.
I've got an idea.
How about we kiss? Ok, time-out.
You're missing my point.
Finish your food, and we'll blow this joint.
Just listen to me! You have tofu on your lip.
It's been there for what seems like an eternity.
Now please just flick it the hell off your face! Thank you.
That's better.
Now we can embrace.
I like "living kitchen.
" I prefer "kitchen room.
" Klivingtchen.
That's what they'll call it in Germany.
Maybe we don't even need to name it.
Look, either we name it, or the media will.
Then it's settled.
Klivingtchen.
Klivingtchen.
Hello, Dick.
Do you like? Oh, what's not to like? No barriers.
No distance.
It's kind of close.
We'll be like-- like Siamese twins connected at the head.
Or we could just move the desks back.
I could look at you all day long.
I can see every single pore on your face.
You nut.
[Giggling] [Giggling] Oh, Dick, this bit of Tartuffe is simply delicious.
Let me read it to you.
Uh, no, thanks.
I'm good.
I'll see you tonight.
Yep! Oh, Mary.
Hello, Dick.
Hello.
[Jennifer laughs loudly] [Door opens] Hey, Dr.
Albright.
How are you doin'? I'm busy.
Oh, Ok.
'Cause I'm the Dean.
I'm working.
I work.
To the exclusion of everything else, I work.
Are you Ok? I'm thrilled.
I'm at my job.
No time for a relationship.
I'm the big Dean.
Career lady.
Come on.
That doesn't give him the right to do what he did.
No, it doesn't.
He's an immature, loathsome, stupid man! Oh, god, I miss him.
Come on, let's go out, get drunk, make fun of him! I don't feel like going out.
Ok.
Sit down.
Duck.
Hey, Harry, we're ready for that fried chicken.
Incoming! Tommy: duck! You know, Mary used to make excellent fried chicken.
Yeah, whatever.
Duck! Oh, my god, you guys.
It's sha Na Na.
Oh, that bowser's a stitch.
Harry, get back to work! Incoming! Jennifer: hello! Oh, she's here.
C'est moi.
Jennifer, this is Harry, Tommy, Don and Sally.
Why, there's so many, I'll keep a tally.
Oh, you brought wine.
A small token.
The pleasure's all mine.
Nice gift.
Great rhyme.
I love this room.
You like the Klivingtchen? Klivingtchen? Living kitchen.
I think it's bitchin'.
And you're subverting space.
Oh, you noticed.
Duck! Methinks you've done something really special here.
Well, methinks you're not so bad yourself.
Incoming! One thing that I can obviously see is you've been saying nice things about me.
Yes.
Yes, I suppose I have.
Oh, hey, Jennifer, you like fried chicken? Ooh, I can't eat chicken.
Tommy: duck! Nor duck.
But I did bring along some bok choy.
Could you toss that in? Bok choy.
Sure.
That's not peanut oil, is it? Oh, no, hon.
It's lard.
Good.
Because I am allergic to peanuts and nuts.
You now, a lot of people don't know that a peanut isn't actually a nut.
No? What is it, then? A legume.
I didn't know that.
We'll have to discuss this over dinner.
With food this good, I won't get much thinner.
Bravo! Bravo! You don't have to rhyme if you don't want to.
Who's ready for fried chicken and grapes? And remember-- don't wipe your hands on the drapes.
Yes! Ha ha ha.
Instead of us rhyming, let's try some free verse.
To me, that's a game which is much more worse.
Encore! [Whistles] Encore! Congratulations, Dick.
You got yourself a hell of a rhymer.
Ohh I've tried to rhyme, you know.
There was a dog who sat on a log.
His name wasRog? That sort of thing.
Hold on to her, Dick.
She's one of a kind.
So you like the rhyming, eh? You like the rhyming? Yeah.
And what if the rhyming were never to stop? On, on, and on till your head doth pop.
Oh, look! A book! A book on schnook! What kind of crook took my schnook nook book? Perchance, methinks, thee, hither, yon, thou.
I'm think I'm gonna have a freakin' cow! You sure seem to hate her.
Sounds really tough.
Hate's a strong word, Don, but not strong enough.
I get your point.
I don't know what happened.
I fell for Jennifer the same way I fell for Mary.
How could it have gone away so fast? It was a crush.
The hots.
You were jonesin'.
It was just an infatuation.
It felt just like the real thing.
And now I've tossed Mary aside.
She'll never take me back.
You don't know that, Dick.
She can be pretty forgiving.
You think so? Mary: Dick Solomon, show your stinkin' face! There's your opening.
Mary! You're here! Yes, I'm here.
Just long enough to tell you what an ass you are.
There.
I think I'm done.
No, no, Mary.
Wait.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, too.
About what an ass you are! I work late a couple of nights, and you seize the opportunity to chase the first skirt that comes along.
Oh, no.
But, Mary, I've been thinking-- oh, don't talk to me again.
Ever, ever, never ever.
That's not a very good rhyme.
Mary: ass! Tommy: so, Jennifer, tell us again about that whole peanut thing.
Sure, Tommy.
Harry: yeah, and make it rhyme.
Sure.
The peanut, you see, may look like a nut officer Don: but it's really a legume just ask king tut! I did it! The Klivingtchen was the stupidest idea we ever had.
Yep, I know.
What were we thinking? Now, thisthis makes perfect sense.
I'm a little hungry.
Incoming!