3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Indecent Dick

Hey, Caryn.
Oh, hey, Sally, look, you've got to come to our protest.
What's going on? Playpen magazineis coming here next week to look for students to pose naked.
It's their "coeds of the Midwest" issue.
Oh, my god.
They're coming here? They're offering $600 to pose naked.
I mean, how degrading is that? I'm so sorry.
Did you say $600? Can you believe this? I mean, they have some nerve expecting that the women around here are just going to line up to exploit themselves.
Yeah, I hate waiting in line.
Solomon, what are you doing? Measuring my face.
Why? I've been putting it off.
Oh, Dick, I brought you your lunch.
Look! Look.
Playpen magazine is coming to Pendleton university to look for women who will pose naked, and I was thinking I am perfect for that.
You, Sally? My little sister posing for a nudie rag.
Your exposed body pinned up inside every school boy's locker and mechanic's garage across this entire country? Good for you! Sally! I'm going to go now and sign up.
Good luck, baby! Sign up for what? To pose for playpen magazine.
Pretty nifty, huh? Posing nude.
You don't have a problem with that? Why should I? Because it's so demeaning.
Why do you have so many hang-ups about the human body? Is it because of all the hang-downs? This is your sister we're talking about.
So? She's just like any other woman.
Women show their bodies all the time.
Granted, there are variations in the topography, but essentially, it's all the same map.
I just think there's something to be said for good old-Fashioned modesty.
Wow, Dr.
Albright, it only took you to change your tune.
What's that supposed to mean? That's when she posed naked.
Nina! Mary you posed naked? Buh-bye.
Are you trying to tell me that there are pictures somewhere out there of my Mary Albright naked as a jaywalker? They were very tasteful.
Just some black and white art photos.
Art photos! A sepia-toned snapshot of old faithful-- that's an art photo.
But you just said posing nude was fine.
For my little sister, not my girlfriend! artsmutsmut artsmut.
Wait a minute.
That's smut? Yeah.
But she's so much nakeder than they are.
Yeah, but, you see, this is Michelangelo and this is-- well, this is Michael and Angelo.
I'm sorry.
I just don't see the difference.
I mean, you tell me that this is meant for arousal, and this is meant for aesthetic appreciation.
But when I look at them, well, this woman washing her sports car, she does nothing for me.
But this woman with the apple and the snake.
Well, that's just hot.
Tommy, do you have a lab partner? No.
Hers is out sick, so she's with you.
I'm Alissa.
Yeah, I know.
Uh, no, I mean I'm Tommy.
That's my name.
I'm Tommy.
You know, I think we've been in class together all year and we've never met.
No, we have not never met.
I'm--I'm Tommy.
Yeah, so, we're trying to get these fruit flies to mate, huh? Yeah.
Well, that's kind of cold, isn't it? I mean, they just met.
What? Can you imagine meeting somebody for the first time, and then all of a sudden, there's people trying to force you to mate? That's a lot of pressure.
I couldn't do it.
Well, if my life span was only for, like, a day, I think I'd be Ok with it.
Let's let them go.
Are you serious? No, I mean, they only have one day to live, they should enjoy their lives.
Let them go.
All right.
No, I'll let them go.
I am letting them go.
Solomon, what are you doing? Uh, I slipped.
Well, you get an "F.
" Thank you so much.
I'm sorry.
I was just kidding.
You were kidding? I didn't know you'd actually do it.
Yeah, well, I'm the kind of guy that actually does things.
How was I supposed to know? Go ahead and laugh.
I'm very upset.
No, you're not.
No, I'm not.
I like your laugh.
Oh, thank you.
[Snorts] Ok, Sally, first thing.
If you want to pose, you got to have all the right moves.
I got the right moves, baby.
You don't have the moves, do you? No.
All right.
Well, the first thing you got to remember is the women in these magazines, they always seemed surprised to see their boobs.
Like they're seeing them for the first time.
That is so sexy.
So try to remember how it felt the first time you saw your boobs.
You know, like right after we landed on earth.
Aah! That's good.
Now try it after you discovered how much fun they were.
There you go! Oh, now, you also got to remember to look sort of sleepy and paranoid.
Sleepy and paranoid? Yeah, yeah, 'cause the women in these magazines, they're always stretching, looking behind themselves to see if somebody's watching.
Oh, I got this, baby, huh? Ooh, but don't smile, Ok? Guys don't like it when a woman smiles.
They like them pouty.
Or angry.
Angrier! Hate me.
Good! Now, you're on a safari.
You're listening to the birds, but you're sleepy.
Good! You're looking through binoculars, but you're angry.
Nice! You're being chased by a tiger, and it's just about to catch you.
All of a sudden, you see your boobs! [Muttering] Dr.
Solomon, I wouldn't normally ask this, but are you going to teach? I've got too much on my mind.
Like what? Like women lewdly exposing themselves to prurient and lascivious shutterbugs.
That's what.
Oh, well, I know how you feel, Dr.
Solomon, which is why we're staging a protest this Friday.
Oh, shut up, Caryn.
This has nothing to do with your stupid little pep rally.
This is about someone that I'm deeply involved with.
Albright? How did you know? Have you seen the pictures? What, there are pictures of Dr.
Albright? There are no naked pictures! Naked pictures of Dr.
Albright? Cool.
I'd like to see those.
Oh, over my dead body! Look at you.
You're all obsessed with nudity.
And it's dirty, filthy, and vile! It's not dirty, Dr.
We all come into this world naked.
I didn't.
Hi, Dick.
Harry, are you naked or am I seeing things? Why, actually, it's a little of both.
No, you know, I was just trying to figure out if this whole clothing thing is just a big scam.
And you know what? I'm starting to think that it is.
Hey, guys, what do you think I should wear to school tomorrow? El Nada! Why? What's going on at school? This girl Alissa.
I've never felt this way about a girl before.
She's so different.
You know what I mean? I don't even know how to explain it, but she's-- she's just absolutely amazing.
Am I--am I nuts? Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Oh, yes, I've ridden on that bus, too.
What you're going through is exactly what I felt when I first met Mary.
Mary? This is nothing like how you felt about Mary.
This is love.
Do you understand? Love.
You don't know what love is.
You will never know what love is.
Tommy, when Mary and I-- can't I have anything of my own? You want me to go kick his butt? Stay where you are! He's a complicated man and no one understands him but his woman Don shaft oh, Don, I'm so glad you're still here.
Hey, Sally, what's up? You know playpen magazine? No.
Sure, you do.
You keep them under the couch.
Oh, those? Those aren't mine.
Those came with the couch.
Oh, god, now you think I'm a perv.
No, I don't.
You like to look at naked ladies.
It's perfectly normal.
Why, yes, it is.
That's why I couldn't wait to tell you.
I am so excited.
I've decided to pose for playpen.
Isn't that great? You, Sally, pose naked?! What's the matter, Don? What's the matter? Sally, I don't want you posing naked for some magazine.
But you love these magazines.
I mean, you must.
This one's falling apart.
No! That's different.
How? Well, they're not you, that's how.
Listen, Sally, I know what kind of people read these things and what they're thinking when I do.
And I'm sorry, but you are not posing and that's final! Well, take a good long look at these babies, Don, 'cause the next time you see them, they'll be in a magazine! Aah! What's the matter with these women? You give and give, and all they want to do is pose naked.
And then they cover it up by calling it art.
What a bunch of hooey.
When those pictures come out, my life is going to be a living hell.
It makes my blood run cold.
My angel is a centerfold.
Some scum of the earth dirt peddler is out there with pictures of my Mary Albright, and what can I do? You can get those pictures back.
Will you help me? Damn right I will.
Will you abuse your police powers to do it? I think that's a given.
You're a man among men, Don.
A man among men.
More chips? Yeah.
I'm just getting a cookie.
Maybe a chip.
My angel is a centerfold hey, I thought you guys were coming over.
What? Oh, right.
I forgot to invite you.
Well, hey, now that I'm here, I was wondering if I could, um, discuss something with you.
You know, one pin-up to another.
Oh, well, I hardly consider myself a pin-up.
Ha ha, well, duh, not anymore.
You see, listen Don and I got into this real huge fight and now he's forbidding me to pose in the magazine.
Oh, that is so typical.
Men are so territorial.
Like they have a deed to your body.
I pose for a few photos in an art class I even knew Dick, and he is so bent out of shape.
You guys, it's just that Don is really, really upset.
Well, boo-hoo for Don.
See, I just don't know if I should pose or not.
Why, just because Don thinks he owns you? He can't tell you what to do with your body.
That's right.
If we are ever going to make any progress as women, we've got to do what we want to do and not what our boyfriends tell us to do.
So, I should pose? If you want Don to respect you as a woman, you have to.
Hey, Tommy, you want a Blt? No, I'm not hungry.
Oh, what's wrong? Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aah! It's this girl Alissa, you know.
She didn't show up to class today.
So? So--so obviously she thinks I'm such a loser that she'd rather transfer to another class than be my lab partner.
Maybe she's sick.
Sick? Yeah, you know, the flu's going around.
She's sick.
That's great! Harry, you're brilliant! Oh, I know-- oh, ah, ah, ah, aah! Aah! Ha ha, look at this smut.
Hi, can I help you? All right, buddy, where are they? Dick! What are you talking about, man? Don't play dumb with me, buster, the pictures.
Where are the pictures? Dick, sit down, sit down, sit down! I'll handle this.
He's a little upset.
It seems that you took naked pictures of his girlfriend and he wants them back.
Man, I've taken pictures of thousands of people.
There's no way I'm going to remember her.
The name's Mary Albright.
Oh, yeah, what a hottie! Oh, I'll kill him! Let him go! Let him go! Lethimgo! [Sighs] [Doorbell rings] Tommy.
What are you doing here? Uh, well, I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd stop by and, you know, see--see how you're feeling.
Oh, uh, well, I was barfing a lot earlier and now I'm not barfing as much.
Oh, I brought you some soup.
Uh, you know that they say that it's good, um, food.
You brought me soup.
Yeah, yeah, to help you feel better.
Do you always bring soup to girls you like? L-l-like? You? No, no, I don't like you.
No, no, no, I mean I don't hate you.
I mean I just met you, but I don't like you, you know, like you.
Then why'd you bring me soup? Because--because you're my lab partner, that's why.
It's strictly, uh, strictly lab-Related gesture here.
Yeah, but to jump to me liking you, that's uh, that's very, uh, you're jumping.
I mean, maybe you like me.
You know, maybe that's it.
In--in which case, we can talk.
But--but Ok, look, I'm trying to preserve a little dignity here.
You know, so why don't you just give me back my soup? Tommy, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
Now I feel stupid.
Yeah, well, there you have it.
See ya! Yeah, Ok.
[Doorbell rings] Good-bye, naked Mary.
You shall taunt me no more.
Oh, my god! These are beautiful.
The light the lines the legs the loins.
What are you doing? Mary, I was looking at your pictures.
What pictures? Of you.
From where? In the buff.
No! Yes! Where did you get those? I roughed up the photographer.
You what?! And I was going to destroy them.
Oh, you're a jealous fool, Dick Solomon.
And then I saw them.
No, no, Mary, look.
Boy, I was a hottie, wasn't I? You sure were.
I wish I looked like that now.
Oh, Mary, no.
I think that you've aged like a fine wine.
And I've been off the bottle for too long.
Oh, Dickstop.
Come on, Mary.
Let's take some pictures.
Oh, we can't.
Then let's just get naked.
Dick! Lock the doors! Chunky chicken.
What? The soup.
Good call.
Oh, thank you.
I'm glad you liked it.
Excuse me for just a second.
Sally, aren't you supposed to be cavorting naked in front of a camera right now? Yeah, I'm supposed to be, but they didn't want me.
Why? I'm too old.
What? No.
He said that I was too old- looking to be a college student.
I mean, really, Dick, do I look too old to be a college student? You? Well, if you think of yourself as someone who's dropped out for a few years to explore the world, then, yeah, yeah, you do look a little old.
Oh, Dick.
Oh, come here.
Oh, Sally, Sally, Sally.
There's a ripeness that comes with growing older.
Maybe it's what they call maturity, but it's what I call beauty.
And you, Sally you grow more beautiful every day.
You think so? Well, look at you.
Your big, beautiful eyes your long, silky hair the curve of your neck your supple white skin your sexy red lips.
I'm a little creeped out right now.
So, Don must have been relieved that you're not posing for playpen.
Yeah, well, he was at first, then he got ticked off that they turned me down.
He got so angry, he canceled his lifetime subscription.
Whoa, really? Yeah.
He's going year to year now.
Yeah, he's a great guy, Don.
Yeah, so, hey, you seen Alissa naked yet? Oh, no, no, no, Sally, it's not like that.
You see, what I feel towards her, it's on a much higher plane, you know.
Based on her intelligence and her charisma and her inner beauty.
But, boy, I'd like to.
now, do you see the use of shadow and light in this one? Now, that is art.
Oh, yeah.
Did you see this one, Leon? No.
Oh, Dr.
Solomon, you're a lucky man.
Thank you, bug.
Solomon, I just don't think that this is at all-- oh, shut up, Caryn.
And this one she just goes all out.
That's what I like about it.
Dick, you wanted to see me? Here she is, guys!