3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Two-Faced Dick

Bye, Dick! I'll see you at the office.
Mary, don't leave.
I was bringing you breakfast in bed.
That's very sweet, but I think I'll just grab some coffee and a muffin.
Oh, that's Ok.
Believe it or not, I just threw all this together.
I never would've guessed.
Hey, Dick.
Oh, you two are up bright and early.
We just got back.
Don took me on an all-night stakeout.
You must be exhausted.
No.
We fell asleep around 11:00.
Yeah.
I'm reasonably sure nothing went down, though.
I'm a pretty light sleeper.
I just love spending the night in your arms.
Oh, me, too.
Hey, I gotta go hit the can.
Tommy, am I a Virgo or a Capricorn? I don't know.
What's your birthday? Does it matter? Because this horoscope right heeerrrre-- incoming message from the big giant head! Hey, Dick, get in here! To ensure better customer service, this transmission may be monitored.
What is it? The big giant head has received your lieutenant's request for gender reassignment.
Sally sent what? That thing off, like, 3 years ago.
The big giant head hereby approves your request.
For your convenience, your lieutenant's body will be switched with that of your high commander.
Lieutenant, you get in here! Prepare to exchange forms in 3, 2, 1 achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Oh, no where are my boobs? I've got them! You're me! You're me! Dick? What? Aah! Oh, great.
What happened? The big giant head just switched their bodies.
Wow.
Oh, my god! I'm gorgeous! your request to return to your original earth bodies will be answered in the order in which it was received.
Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1 achoo! What's the word? He put us on the waiting list.
Damn! Man, it took him 3 years to answer the first one.
This is horrible, just horrible! Why, in heaven's name, would you put in a request to switch bodies? Lieutenant, what were you thinking? When we first got here, I didn't want to be the woman, but that was a long time ago before I realized how much I like men.
Well, I cannot be stuck in a woman's body.
Dammit! I'm the high commander! [Crying] What are we gonna do, Dick? Pull yourself together, man! I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna live each other's lives as normally as possible until the big giant head gets back to us.
Oh, great! Ohh! What am I supposed to do with your you know, goods? Just pick a side and commit.
Yup.
Till you learn the ins and outs, you might wanna consider wearing a cup.
This is so weird.
Oh, stop complaining.
Look at these willowy limbs.
I don't know what to do with them.
My center of gravity's so low, and would you look at these breasts! Hey, Dick, can we touch 'em? Be my guest.
They're not mine.
Hey! So help me god, if you touch those, you will die.
[Students chattering] All right, settle down, settle down.
[Chatter continues] All right, everybody shut up before I throw you out the freakin' window! So, what are we doing here? Surface tension and liquidity.
I have a question for you-- where'd you get those shoes? Uhpic-and-pay.
Oh, I love that place.
It's so cool! Has anybody else here been to pic-And-pay? It's so awesome.
Yeah.
I got some wool pants there, half off.
You did? Yeah, but they weren't my size, and they didn't have a lining, and I'm wearing them right now.
See what I mean? Okso, uh we got, uh valueand selection.
This is what we're looking for here.
Well, I'm off to cabo San Lucas.
You have fun, Doug, and don't you worry about Nothin' but the señoritas and the margaritas, Ok? Because Harry's holding down the fort.
What the hell.
You're in charge of the bar.
Yup.
You got a lot of responsibility.
That's right.
Doug's not too bright, is he? Not particularly, no.
Man, those guys look like badasses.
You think? Yeah.
Look at 'em, man.
They are clearly bad asses.
Well, just one way to find out.
Excuse me, are you and your friends here badasses? Heh heh heh we'll have 3 beers.
Ha ha ha! Oh, man, they're badasses.
[Car horn honking] [Honk honk] Oh, yes, the honking drives me mad with desire! Ah, you've noticed I have breasts.
Good for you.
Don left this in our bathroom.
Hey, Sally, you look nice.
Why, thank you.
You've got me all hot now.
I'd jump right into bed with you, but you'll have to get in line behind 2 construction workers, a mailman, and a 12-year-old boy.
Sorry.
Sally, he was just paying you an innocent compliment.
I'm quite aware of how sexually attractive I am.
I get it.
Now let's move on.
Sally, please, calm down.
What is that, some sort of menstruation crack? Well, I've got a news flash for you, Don Orville, and for all the men of Rutherford.
Beneath this pretty package is a mind! Do you hear me? A mind! Oh, hey, Nina.
You went to pic-And-pay? Yeah.
I couldn't find anything except these stupid wingtips.
They're not even patent leather.
Men's shoes suck! Well, that's too bad.
My feet are huge.
I'm disgusting.
Ok.
There you are.
Where were you? Oh, hey, Albright.
You were supposed to meet me for lunch! I'm having a bad day.
You wanna lay off?! I was waiting at the baguette for over an hour.
Yeah? Well, I was teaching that horrible class, and I couldn't take it, so I went to get some shoes, and I couldn't find anything I liked, [Crying] And then I came back here, and you started yelling at me! I'm sorry, Dick, but I was waiting an hour.
I can't breathe.
Are you Ok? You don't understand what I'm going through.
I mean, just look at these! I'm here to help.
You can't help.
Nobody can help.
I feel so trapped.
[ Let's hear it for the boy playing] Whoo, Sally lookin' hot, man! Yeah! Walk that around! Lay off, buttheads! I'm having a crappy day.
I can take the ugly shoes, I can take the stupid job, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna walk around with love handles! Are you wearing lip gloss? It's not a gloss.
It's a shiny balm.
Dick is really neglecting his lips.
Hey! What are you doing to my body, you moron? You're gonna get it fat and stretched out! Lieutenant, I always eat this way.
Well, you can't anymore.
You'll never keep a boyfriend.
Aha! Speaking of boyfriends-- I've decided that Don is no gentleman.
I think it's time you moved on.
You better not mess up my relationship with Don.
Oh, please.
Oh, you are such a bonehead! After I tried so hard not to blow things with Albright.
"Tried"? What does that mean? What happened? Nothing.
Tell me, dammit! Well, I got bummed out when I couldn't find nice shoes for your big, fat feet! And I may have gotten a little weepy.
Thank you so much.
Now she thinks I'm some hysterical, shoe-loving wussy! You're worried about getting fat? Just watch this.
Give me that sandwich, you horrible man! Hey, hey, hey! Let's chill! How can I chill? He's screwing up everything with Don! [Muffled] She's screwing up my relationship with Mary! Oh, people, people, people! Lookyou guys have got to get over this! When we landed on earth, we had no attachment to these bodies, but we adapted.
We figured out how to work with them.
You don't understand, Tommy.
I like being the woman.
Who cares if you only earn 60 cents on the dollar if you can have skin like that? Mary doesn't like your skin.
She likes my skin! Now you listen to me, Dick-- I'm Sally! I don't give a damn who you are! If you don't start working together, you're gonna lose Don and Mary.
You're right.
Truce.
All right, truce.
That's better.
Not with that sandwich, you don't! Where are they? Right there.
Go cuff 'em, Don.
Uhwhat for? That guy over there, he keeps ordering drinks.
And talking.
And that other guy keeps laughing at something.
Drinking, talking, laughing in a bar.
No law against that.
Hey, we pay taxes.
How long is this gonna go on before the police do something? This is typical.
Why don't you just go eat another doughnut, Don! I'd like to help you out, guys, but Sally.
Don.
Dick! I'm glad you're here, Don.
I had to talk to you.
It's about Sally.
That's fine, Dick, but could you back up about 4 inches? Oh, yeah, sorry.
You wanna sit down? Yeah, sure.
I'd like to apologize for Sally the other day.
She just feels terrible about the way she acted.
Yeah, it was strange.
Sally really wants to make it up to you, Don.
That's why I'd like to invite you and Sally out to dinner with me and my girlfriend Albright.
Would you come, Don? Would you? Sure.
Oh, good.
I was worried you were upset with me.
Hey, you wanna watch it?! Excuse me.
Yeah, you better excuse you, bozo! My boyfriend here's a cop.
Dick! I said, my sister's boyfriend.
I think everybody heard that.
Sally, I thought I heard you.
Mary, you look pretty today.
Oh, thanks.
So do you.
Very pretty.
Thanks.
Look, I tried to call Dick.
Is he all right? That's what I came here to talk to you about, Mary.
Uh, please, sit down.
Dick is fine.
I knew you thought he was having a breakdown, but he wasn't.
He just seemed so fragile.
You know what I mean? He's letting you in, Mary.
That's his way.
Or perhaps it was performance art.
That's another perfectly reasonable explanation.
Yeah.
Uh, just-- just tell him that he can talk to me.
No matter what is bothering him, he can talk to me because I love him.
Oh! Oh, Mary! Say it again.
No.
Harry, you been shaking that thing for over an hour.
Have I? Why don't you just pour it already? 'Cause if I pour it, I gots to serve it.
What are you so worried about? Those guys? Don't look at 'em! You can't judge people by the way they look.
Those guys are just a bunch of pussycats.
Watch me, boys.
Don't go over there.
Hi, boys.
Is this seat taken? It is now.
Ohnow, which one of you big fellas is gonna buy me a beer? I will.
How about a beer for the pretty lady? Oh, you're what I like to call burly.
Look at her.
She survived.
Those guys are nice guys after all.
Man, we're idiots.
Oh, I feel terrible.
Come on.
Guys, I think we owe you an apology.
For what? Well, all this time, we thought you were up to no good.
Criminal types.
Looking for trouble.
Casing the joint but now we see how wrong we were, so how can we make this up to you? We need some more pretzels.
Ok.
And while you're at it, why don't you empty out the cash register? Now.
Yeah! Yeah! Did I not tell you? You didn't need to tell me, man.
I knew! Wait, wait, wait.
Just a second.
We saw this coming.
Miles away, brother! The cash register.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, Albright-- Marywhat're you gonna order? Well, the steak tartare looks good.
Think I'll order it well done.
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, that's funny.
You're funny.
That's really desirable in a woman.
Congratulations.
Well, pardon me.
I'll be in the little boys' room.
Oh, I'll go with you! This'll be fun! Are you sure your brother's all right? All right? Oh, Mary, he's great.
And so good-looking, don't you think? Well, he does seem to be in better spirits, but he still seems so distant.
He doesn't look at me the way he usedto.
And how did he used to look at you, Mary? Kinda like you're looking at me now.
Time to put out the fire.
Keep your eye on the road, Dick.
So what's bothering Sally? Is she still in a mood? She looks pretty hot to me.
She always looks hot, but you said she was interested in seeing me tonight.
She seems to be paying more attention to Mary.
But you still love her right, Don? Of course I do.
I'm crazy about her.
Ah oh, goody.
Sally, we're in trouble.
You've got to kiss Mary.
She knows what? Something's wrong.
You've got to kiss her.
Not gonna happen, Dick.
Put me down for a hug and a handshake, that's it.
Hey, we're in this together.
Now, I want your lips on her lips, and that's an order, lieutenant! Have you ever thought that Dick might be a littleconfused? Let's talk about Sally for a minute.
She is stalking me.
So, how's everybody doing? Great.
Uh, now you know, Mary, Dick was just saying how difficult it is for him to sit next to you without showering you with kisses.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were.
You were saying how unbearable it is to sit next to her without kissing her this very moment.
Really? You said that? Well, yes, after she told me that it's taking all her strength to keep her lips off Don.
All right I guess that's fair.
That's more tongue than I'm used to.
Well, Dick, we pulled it off.
To a job well done, lieutenant.
Ahh.
So, How'd you get out of going home with Don? I told him I had a headache.
Oh, that is so cool.
I told Albright I had psoriasis.
If we are doomed to stay in these bodies for a while, I suppose it could be worse.
Don is kind of cuddly.
Mm.
And Mary's mutual funds have outperformed the s&p for the last 4 quarters.
Well, let's have a toast, shall we? To newwwwww-- incoming message from the big giant head.
Your request has been approved.
Your lieutenant and high commander will be restored to their previous earth bodies immediately, and a small fee will appear on your next statement.
Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1 achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Dick? Sally? We're back! We're back! Isn't that great, Tommy? Oh, isn't that cool, Tommy? Tommy? I'm not Tommy.
Oh, my god! Ah, I'm just screwin' with you.
I learned one thing from those tough guys at the bar.
You know how they say you can't judge a book by its cover? It's a big lie.
Mm, true.
That's what the cover's for-- tells you exactly what's in the book.
Yeah.
From now on, I look at people, make snap judgments, and stick with 'em.
But it's not true.
I just spent 2 days in Sally's body, and people made all sorts of assumptions based on how I looked.
And it was still me inside.
Yeah.
Well, this body took some getting used to at first, but now it feels like home.
Well, I'm glad to be back in my body.
And you know, Sally, I was mad at first, but now I really don't mind the shaved legs.
You know, I did your butt, too.
Oh, don't think I didn't notice.
oh, Dick, have you seen my sweater? Ah, no.
You know, it's the pink one with the little white bow.
It doesn't ring a bell.
Wait a minute.
Open your coat.
Sally, I don't have time for this nonsense I got to get to work.
Ah-ha! It feels so soft against my skin and they don't make angora for men.
And besides I look so much cuter in it than you do.
Take it off.
I'll give you ten bucks for it.
Twenty.
Deal.