3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick Solomon of the Indiana Solomons

Mail's here.
Ah, the mail.
What would a day on earth be like without the mail? Probably a lot like Sunday.
Ah! Ha ha.
"Sally Solomon, "you have been preapproved for a platinum credit card.
Only our most valued and cherished customers qualify for platinum status.
" You guys, I qualify for platinum status! So did I! Me too! Hello, family.
Hey, mail's here.
Ah, the mail.
What would a day on earth be like without the mail? Probably a lot like Sunday.
You know, that's very clever.
Uh, wait.
I said that.
Oh, really? How sad.
Oh, this one's addressed to "Mr.
Richard Solomon.
" My, how formal.
"Dearest Richard, "I hope with all of my heart that this letter finds you.
"Too many years have gone by.
We miss you greatly.
"Please come to the Solomon family reunion this year.
All of my love, aunt Florence.
" Dick, you never told us you had an aunt Florence.
He doesn't, you mook.
That letter was obviously meant for some other Dick Solomon.
Well, I'll just call up this aunt Florence and set her straight.
Great Scott! I've qualified for platinum status! yes, hello.
Is this Florence Solomon? Hi, my name is Dick Solomon.
I-I've got this, uh, invitation to a family reunion, and I-- well, yes, it's nice to hear your voice, too, but-- yes, I am as adorable as I always was.
Has it really been 43 years? Then, if I did turn up, you probably wouldn't even recognize me, huh? That's-- yes, it would be wonderful to see the family again, aunt Florence.
I love you, too.
Yes yes.
I have an aunt Florence.
What? What? Oh, that was aunt Florence in Indiana.
Since when do you have an aunt Florence in Indiana? Since when do you have an aunt Florence in Indiana? I don't.
So where's the big coincidence? You know, sometimes, Nina, you make no sense.
Are you gonna visit her? We have a family reunion this weekend.
It sounds like it's gonna be wonderful.
You wanna come? Are you sure it's all right? Well, of course it's all right.
Oh, Dick, it's family, I-- no, don't worry, Mary.
I'm sure you'll find my family to be warm and nurturing.
It won't bear any resemblance to the liquor-drenched orgy of hatred and recrimination that marks every Albright get-together.
Sally, we're not spending the whole winter at this reunion.
Back off, all right? I'm not like you guys.
I can't just throw in a toothbrush and a pair of underwear and be set for the weekend.
Underwear! Well, is everybody ready to go to our family reunion? Dick, this is not our family.
Yeah, what if they start asking questions? Yeah.
Well, that's the beauty of this.
Aunt Florence hasn't seen Richard since he was 5 years old.
For all they know, I'm him.
Well, as a teenager, the idea of going to a family reunion sickens me to my core.
Tommy, uh we've been here on earth for almost 3 years, and we still lack something that's so important to us-- roots.
A connection.
Life here is not just about where we're going, it's about where we've come from.
Now we'd better get on the road.
You know how aunt Florence hates it when we're late.
[Ding-dong] Aunt Florence? Yes? It's me.
Richard? Oh, my goodness! It is you! Abe! It's Richard! Well, I'll be damned! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Well, welcome back! And who are all these lovely people? Well, this is my sister, your niece Sally.
And this is my son, your grandnephew Tommy.
And this is my brother, your nephew Harry.
Yaah! Harry! And this little hottie is my girlfriend Mary.
Nice to meet you, Florence.
Richard, come greet the family.
They can't wait to see you.
Oh, I can't wait to see them.
Uh, well, we brought you this.
It goes great with steak.
At least it did last night.
You cheap bastard, you'll fit right in around here.
Bunch of tightwads? Tightwads? Don't even get me started with this family.
Come here.
It's me, Richard! Oh, it's me, Richard! Oh, this is so great.
I just opened my arms, and I'm hugged and kissed and pinched by all sorts of people.
There isn't even a cover charge.
We're family, Richard! Family.
It's me, Richard! Oh, it does my heart good to see him back.
It's funny.
He never mentioned any of you.
Well, given all the troubles, I never thought I'd see him here again.
What troubles? Hi.
That's a great top.
You think so? I didn't know what to wear.
Oh, no, it's-- it's perfect.
Oh, thanks.
I live with a bunch of men, and they were no help at all.
Ha ha.
Hey, I'm Michelle, Martha's daughter.
Oh, hi, I'm Sally, Richard's sister.
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
Hey, you know what? My sweater would go so great with that top.
Oh, you wanna try it on? Sure.
Oh, yeah.
Definitely hip.
Ha ha.
Hey, you wanna wear my shoes? I've got a pair of socks I'm not using.
I'll go get 'em.
It's, uh, pot roast.
Oh, wow.
I was way off.
I'm Janine.
I'm Tommy.
So [Bored] This is pretty fun, huh? Oh, yeah.
Hey? You wanna get outta here? Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Aunt Sylvia: Audrey made her famous ambrosia.
You better hurry, it's gonna go.
Sweet woman, that Sylvia.
Yeah, sweet.
But dumb as a doorknob.
And don't even get me started with her kids.
Rocket scientists, huh? Ohh, you got it, pal.
Well, doorknobs beget doorknobs.
[Hacking in unison] It's me, Richard! Fellas it's me, Richard! Oh, you're not huggers.
I understand.
Richard, I don't suppose you remember me.
I'm your cousin Jacob.
Jacob, of course.
It's been a long time.
It certainly has, donuts.
Donuts? Was that my nickname? Sure.
Don't you remember? I was dutch, and you were donuts.
Donuts? This guy once ate and puked 'em up on grandma Lillian's wig.
Say, you're running on empty there, Dick.
Let me, uh, get you a drink.
Sounds good.
Fellas, last chance for hugs.
Catch you later.
So, Dick, it's been a while.
I would've come sooner if I'd known what I was missing.
I'll bet you would've.
We've done all right since you've been away, haven't we? Oh, and I've never seen so many kinds of dip.
Come on, cousin.
You can be straight with me.
What really brings you back here after all this time? I came to meet my family.
Boy, you are some piece of work, Dick.
Uh what's the problem? Dutch? It's me, donuts! He told you guys not to hug me, didn't he? So, Sally, you have a boyfriend? Yes, I do, Michelle.
His name is Don, and he's a cop.
Oh, cops are so hot.
Oh, yeah, tell me about it.
And I got me the hottest one.
Hey, check him out.
Hands off, hon.
He's mine.
Yeah, well, my boyfriend just works in a cafeteria.
Hold up.
Does he wear one of those cool cafeteria uniforms? Yeah.
And aren't uniforms sexy? Well, yeah.
All right then! Oh, you are so cool.
I just feel like I can tell you stuff.
You know, kinda like you're my my sister.
So, Janine do you, uh, have a boyfriend? No.
But I'm looking.
Well look no further.
What are you doing? Making my move.
Tommy, we can't do that.
We're, like, cousins.
Oh, yeah.
About that, see the thing is, that's not really illegal or anything.
It's justtaboo.
Oh, my god! I'm, like, so creeped out.
Wait, wait.
We're very distant cousins.
You have no idea how distant we are.
Distant! Oh, Mary, the oddest thing just happened.
I think one of my relatives told me off.
Was it Jacob? How did you know that? Dick, how much did your father tell you about what happened between him and the family? Not a lot.
H-he lost his mouth in the war.
You better sit down.
Dick when your father fell in love with your mother, she had just arrived from Lithuania.
She was poor, she didn't speak any English.
The family didn't approve of her.
Mommy? Anyway your father was forced to choose between her and the family, and he chose her.
Daddy? So the family disowned him, and it was Jacob's father who cut him out of the family furniture business.
Cast out onto the street by his own flesh and blood? My god, Mary.
My family is despicable.
Ah, you get used to it.
They gave your mom and dad the boot, huh? Sally, it's our mom and dad.
It's nobody's mom and dad! I can't believe that our family would do anything so heartless.
Don't even get me started on this family.
Roger's a drunk.
Darren hasn't paid taxes since the Eisenhower administration.
Cousin Marty's got his own website-- nakedmarty.
Why don't we just admit to them that we're impostors? Yeah, right.
You just want us to come clean so you can go suck face with your cousin.
Yeah, well, at least I haven't deluded myself into thinking I have a sister.
Hey, you leave Missy out of this.
I'm curious.
Does this family have a history of mental illness? Well, there is a touch of dementia on my father's side.
Oh, that explains a few things.
Dick, what are you doing? I have to talk to Jacob.
Well, calm down.
Jacob, we have to talk.
Here it comes.
I've heard some things about the family and the business-- so you finally worked up the marbles to get around to it.
So, this is about the business.
Who's she, your lawyer? Oh, no, I'm his girlfriend.
Not married? That's curious.
Look, Dick, your father left this family, and my father was right to cut him out of the business.
As far as I'm concerned, you're not entitled to a penny.
You think I want money?! Well, by the looks of that car you arrived in, I wouldn't be surprised.
I would have you know that I'm qualified for platinum status! So I'd zip it if I were you! Oh, please.
We shouldn't get personal.
I'd stay out of this, honey.
Honey?! Well, let me tell you a thing or two, honey.
Whoever did your electrolysis missed a spot! How dare you?! Come on, Jacob.
Oh, that's right.
That's right! Hide behind her apron strings.
Oh, please, Richard.
You're acting just like your father.
Damn straight, aunt Florence! Damn straight! [Playing clarinet badly] Man, I can't catch a break.
I finally meet a hot girl-- who likes me-- and she turns out to be my cousin?! Well happens to a lot of guys, kiddo.
Wait a second.
Janine Solomon? Yeah.
Well, this is your lucky day.
Uncle Abe told me she's adopted.
Adopted? Are you sure? Oh, don't even get me started on her father's low sperm count.
Harry! I could kiss you! Well he's a good kid.
Horny, but good.
Hey, Sally, can I tell you a secret? Sure, Missy.
Of course you can.
I'm a virgin.
I know.
Really? Wow.
I remember what those days were like, you know.
Feeling like I was the only person on earth who hadn't had sex.
Wondering what it was gonna be like.
When did you lose your virginity? Ah, a couple of weeks ago.
So what are you waiting for? I don't know.
Uh, the right guy.
Oh, my god.
That is exactly what I did.
That is so cool! Look, I'm tellin' ya.
I heard ya.
Fah! You should be so lucky.
Ah! I should live so long.
Brauggghh! Yaaah-aggh! Janine.
There you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
I know.
I've been avoiding you.
No, you don't understand.
See, it's Ok if we kiss because we're not related.
What are you talking about? You know, 'cause you're adopted.
Adopted? [Nervous laugh] No.
No way.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, sure you are.
Everybody knows it.
So, uh you wanna make out? Mom! Yeah.
You just confirm it with your mother and, uh, get back to me.
They're right.
You can't go home again.
So much for "family" and "brotherhood" and "home is where the heart is.
" What a bunch of crap! Now you know where I've been coming from.
You go home for the holidays, you see that beautiful Christmas tree in the window.
Everything looks so idyllic.
And all of a sudden there's your mother swinging a 5-iron at your father's head, and the tree's in the eggnog.
How do you deal with it? I repress.
Repression is the key to a happy family.
Doesn't sound very healthy.
If you yell and scream, you end up sounding like your mother.
I'm gonna go get another drink.
Didn't you just finish one? Get off my back! Hey, so, do you think I should go lighter? Honey, if you do, I will kill you.
Michelle! Jenny! [Both shriek] Michelle? Michelle? Michelle! Huh? Who's that? Oh! Oh! Why, Sally, this is jenny.
Hi, jenny.
She's my sister.
Sister? How's booty? Oh, booty's great.
Wh-who's booty? Hey, did you sing to the lake yet? You guys sing to the lake? Oh, yeah.
Ever since we were kids.
Oh, great! Let's go do some lake singin'! Uh, well, it's kinda just between the two of us.
Are you sure I can't help? I mean, that's a--a big lake, and I'm real loud.
Uhit's Ok.
You know, it's just this sort of stupid sister thing.
[Awkward laugh] All right, everybody, get ready.
Here we go.
Ohh! [Muttering] [Sarcastic] This was some great idea, Dick.
Yeah, I can't wait to come back next year.
Dick, you wanna tell your family to stop whining.
Just smile and repress.
Smile and repress.
All right now, everybody.
Come on now, squeeze together.
Squeeze together, that's good.
Ha ha.
All right now everybody smile! Ohh! I can't smile! I have nothing to smile about! I hate this family! Right back at ya, Dick! And I so wanted to be proud of you.
[Bitterly] My family.
You were supposed to give me warmth and unending love.
Instead you give me a punch in the gut and a cold tuna melt! Well, I've had it! And so I take my leave of this hellhouse just like my father before me! Bye-bye now.
I'd pack you a doggy bag, but I saw her stuffing the hors d'oeuvres into her pockets.
Don't flatter yourself.
It was the silverware.
Excuse me.
Weren't you leaving? Oh, believe me, we're leaving.
[All talking at once] Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell's the matter with you people? You know what? I got a little news flash for ya.
Dick, Jacob, both your fathers were world-Class pains in the ass.
And you know what I admire about 'em? They're both dead! And right now, I wish I was with 'em.
Amen to that! you two morons are still carrying on the same grudge?! Give it a rest! What, you don't like each other? Boo-hoo! Suck it up.
You're family! Don't get me started.
Harry, you are so right.
This time last week I didn't even have a family.
And now here I am, ready to reject you all just because you don't meet my stupid expectations.
Yeah, you guys have both got a point.
This family's been split up too long.
In fact, I don't even remember why anymore.
Dick, you may not be my kind of guy, but you're a Solomon.
And there's not much I can do about that.
Same here, Jacob.
You may be kind of creepy, but you're family.
Cousin? Cousin.
Well, that's more like it.
Oh, Jacob! Aah! Get away from me! Well, good-bye now, Sally.
Bye-bye, jenny.
It was really great meeting you, Sally.
Yeah, you, too, Michelle.
Hey if anything should happen to jenny you know? Give me a call.
Good-bye, Richard.
I'm so glad you came.
It's nice to be one family again.
Oh, it sure is.
Good-bye, Sylvia.
You know, Mary, the great thing about rediscovering your roots is you suddenly have a whole new world of people to blame for, you know, everything.
I want you to have these.
Ohh, that's so nice.
Aww, I'm gonna miss you, uncle Abe.
Oh, don't get me started with that emotional crap.
It's too late! I've already started! Janine, hi.
It's Tommy.
Uh, from the reunion? Right, yeah, the one who told you you were adopted, right.
Say, uh, you wanna go out on Sunday? Oh, meeting your birth mother, huh? Well, listen, can it wait? You know, it's been 16 years .
What's another day, right? Uh, well, maybe I could come, you know? We could catch a movie, swing by your birth mom's.
Hello? Hello? Hel-- oh, man.
Got cut off.