3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Paranoid Dick

Oh, yes.
I'd like to speak to the chancellor about-- no.
No, this is Dean Albright.
Lunch time, Mary! Shh.
No, I've already left 3 messages.
I'll call back later.
What's his problem? Who? The chancellor.
If I didn't know any better, I'd swear he was avoiding me.
Why would he be avoiding you? You're the Dean.
And you've done an exemplary job.
You think so? Yes.
You've done nothing offensive.
You haven't caused a single ripple on the pond.
No controversial proposals, no expensive cutting-Edge teachers, no innovative ideas to shake up the status quo.
You've been almost invisible.
Well, I did institute those slanted parking spaces in the faculty lot.
Yeah, and no one cared.
Oh, come on, Mary, you've lasted 6 months in a job that none thought you could keep and even fewer thought you deserved.
It's your half-year anniversary.
I'll call some people.
We'll have a party.
Oh, I can't.
I have that advisory board meeting.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
They changed that meeting to this morning.
Well, they said they called you.
Nobody called me.
Then I guess you missed it.
Look, I'm gonna grab a sandwich and place a quick bet.
I'll be back.
Well, now, that is suspicious.
But now we can have that party! [Door closes] Hello, Sally.
Oh, hey, Don.
Thanks for bringing my stuff.
No problem.
This is always the most awkward part of a breakup.
Well, you mean seeing each other for the first time after it happens? No, I mean making sure you get your good stuff back.
Oh, right.
Well, here's your box.
Oh, my suede belt.
My bathroom light.
I didn't leave this here.
It was screwed in over my sink.
And it was tough to get off, let me tell you.
We don't like tuna melts, Ok? All: ohhh.
It's Ok, you guys.
Forgive us, we're idiots.
That's all right.
I was just leaving.
Oh, no.
You can come back anytime.
Cut it out.
I'm fine.
You look great.
Of course.
Sure, you are.
Don: shut up! This must be hard for you.
No, it's Ok.
Well, that's a cry for help if ever I heard one.
Now, you listen to me, girl.
Put this down.
You have got to go someplace quiet and beautiful.
A place where you can just sit and look out over the water and think about your life.
Think about who it is that you want to be.
Where's that? Riverboat gambling on the Cincinnati queen, baby! Yee-haw! Yeah, I heard about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a floating casino the size of Hold up.
2 football fields? Dos footbalito.
Oh, yeah.
I'm in, baby.
I'm gonna start packing.
[Clears throat] Mary, I'm sorry I missed your half-Year anniversary party.
I was there in spirit.
Well, then maybe your spirit wouldn't mind ponying up 13 bucks? Oh, that's Ok.
Judith, did you get a call that the board meeting was moved up? No.
It was in the memo.
There was a memo? Oh.
Oh, chancellor, I'm so glad you stopped by.
I was wondering if I could get your ear for just-- actually, I was hoping to talk to Judith for a moment.
If you could spare just a minute, though, I'd like to talk to you about the schedule for next summer session.
Next summer? I wouldn't worry about that, Mary.
That's a long way off.
"Don't worry about next summer.
" What's that supposed to mean? It means you might not be here by next summer.
What? No.
No, I'm probably just overreacting.
And perhaps not.
Oh, Dick.
Think about it, Mary.
The clues are all there.
What clues? Think, Mary.
Who's having mysterious liaisons with the chancellor? Judith.
And who happened to receive the strangely elusive memo about this morning's meeting? Judith.
And when you got named as Dean, who called you an undeserving ass-Kisser behind your back? Judith! She was among them, yes.
I can't believe it.
You better believe it, Mary.
There's a stink in the air, and for once, the majority of it is not me.
See, you got your blackjack table right there, that's the wheel of fortune.
Over there, that's the baccarat.
See them tables over there? They're for craps.
Where's Harry? I don't know, and I don't care.
'Cause Vicki and I are having a girls' night out.
Am I right? Oh, we're gonna gonna break some hearts, baby! Yee-haw! Whoo! Let's go.
Jackpot! Yeah! Check it out, Tommy.
This is the loosest machine on the boat.
Harry, it's a change machine.
That's right.
It's changing me into a winner.
Harry, let's go.
People want to use the machine.
Oh, well, I'm sure that they do.
Come on, baby.
Money comes to money.
Come on, mama.
[Machine dispenses change] Yeah! Judith.
How are you doing? Fantastic.
Funny thing.
I was thinking about what you and chancellor Stevens were discussing this morning.
You know about the, um, the, uh what were you talking about again? I'm sorry.
That was a private conversation.
Yeah, of course it was.
I--I understand.
By the by, Jude-- and I call you Jude because we're so close-- Mary and I have had a falling out.
We're over.
And I'd like to get a good plot going against her.
Got anything on that? Dick, I have a class.
No, you don't.
Ok, just leave.
Tell me what's going on between you and the chancellor and I will never set foot in your office again.
You know chancellor Stevens' annual badger day address? Oh, that insipid yawn fest? I write them for him.
Last year's was tremendous.
You might want to trim about an hour out of it this time.
Oh, hey, Jude.
Gotta go.
I'll see you later.
Badger day address.
How stupid does she think I am? I know.
And did you see the way she rushed you out of her office? And how about how she slipped that document into her desk.
Pretty subtle, huh? That bitch wants my job! This goes out to the lovely ladies in the corner both.
Here we go.
I left a good job in the city working for the man every night and day but I never lost one minute of sleep, no Sally, I'm telling you, this guy is like among the top 5 Neil diamond impersonators that I have ever seen.
He is so hot.
He's hot as hell.
I don't know, Vicki.
I've just got this, like, urge coming over me.
I just want to throw something up on that stage.
You mean like your panties? What's he gonna do with my panties? I'm gonna throw him a buffalo wing.
Sally, Sally, no, no, no.
Nina, come over here.
Who's that strange man lurking outside? It's Roberto.
He waters the plants.
The one with the listening device? It's a hearing aid.
Nina, I need your help.
A few weeks ago I saw you hold the elevator for chancellor Stevens' assistant Ruth.
So? It's time to call in that favor.
Get her to fax over a log book of every call he's made over the last 6 months.
No, better make it a year.
Solomon, will you stop worrying? There's no conspiracy against Dr.
Trust me.
Trust you? Of course I trust you.
You're my trusted aide, Nina.
Nina's in on it.
No! Oh, hey, Dr.
Nina, how are you?! I'm good.
See? Oh, my god.
I've had her in my house.
How deep does this thing go? Damn.
If only I could get a look at that document that Judith hid from me.
No matter how much I find out, I still only know a small part.
It's like a riddle wrapped around an enigma fried up in a conundrum with Chinese mustard dipping sauce.
Well, I'm not going down that easy.
I think you know what we have to do.
Kill Judith and make it look like an accident? No.
We're not gonna make it look like an accident? Oh, come on, Dick.
Mary: what are you doing? Dick: looking for infrared sensors.
Smells like pine cones.
They were out of country meadows.
It's locked.
Mary Tommy taught me how to get past any lock.
But you must promise me never to reveal this technique.
If it got out, it could have dire effects on society as we know it.
This is it.
This is the document Judith was hiding.
Stuff it in my underpants.
What? You're right.
We should read it first.
There must be Wait a minute.
This is the chancellor's badger day address.
Judith was telling the truth.
Oh, my god.
Mary, look at this! What? It's so redundant! You could lose this whole part.
What was I thinking? Cut this, cut this.
Actually this part is kind of clever.
Oh, Dick, I feel like an idiot.
Let's get out of here.
[Police siren] It's the heat.
Mary, run for it! Dick.
Dick! [Whimpering] Dick? Whoo! You are the man.
I am the man.
All right.
Come on, baby, gimme some lovin'.
[Cheering] We're raking in the dough, baby.
I'm gonna quit my day job.
You don't have one, my man.
Well, then I'm gonna get one and quit it.
Here we go.
Ready? Whoo! [Cheering] All right.
Do you want me to keep on rolling? Crowd: yeah! I can't hear you.
I said do you want me to keep on rolling? Yeah! Eh, I'm done.
What? Yeah, I'm finished.
Who wants to go outside for some fresh air? I can't hear you.
Poor Mary.
You're not designed for flight.
It's your stubby little legs, they let you down.
Oh, Dick.
Good-bye, Mary.
Don't you leave me.
Don't worry.
I'll be back.
I'm going to get you out of here.
In the meantime, let this sustain you.
Aah! So Elvis says, "never mind with them pills.
I'll just slam 'em down.
" [Laughs] Hey, y'all.
How y'all doin'? You know I saw you from the stage.
Oh, my god.
He picked us out from 11 people.
Be cool, be cool.
Please, sit down.
What are your names? Well, I'm taffy, and this is amber.
We're sisters.
Uh, we own a bikini shop on the Internet.
W-w-w dot wow.
[Laughing] You know, amber here was quite moved by your finale.
Oh, is that so? Yes.
You know, when you lit that sparkler, I felt like I was coming to America.
Oh, hi, Don.
I'm just going in to see Mary.
Uh, hold it.
Hold it there, Dick.
That wouldn't be a cake with a file baked in it, would it? [Laughs] Don't-- don't be silly.
[Metal detector beeps] [Metal detector beeps] [Metal detector beeps] Sometimes it's the belt.
[Metal detector beeps] I don't know what to say.
Oh, these things happen.
No, you're clear.
[Metal detector beeps] I'd never been in trouble until he came along.
But he has this way of talking, see, when you know he's crazy, but you just can't help but listen to him.
And all of a sudden, you find yourself doing things you never thought you'd do.
Bad things, stupid things.
And where is he now? Free as a bird.
While I'm in here taking the fall.
We know how you feel.
You need a new pimp.
Pimp? I'm not a hooker.
I'm a professor.
Too bad.
You could make a nice living.
Thank you.
Mary, look who's here.
Judith and chancellor Stevens.
You're looking good, chancellor.
Isn't he looking good, Mary? I was just about to say that.
Mary, Mary, Mary.
Mary, what could you have been thinking? Breaking and entering.
Well, actually, it's very funny.
You're gonna love it when you hear it because it's very, very funny.
You want to hear it now? 'Cause you're gonna laugh.
Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary.
No! She's not to blame.
She had an accomplice.
I talked her into it.
If anyone goes down for this, it should be me.
That's very noble of you, Dick, but we caught Mary trying to bash her way out of my office with a crowbar.
Well, he taught me that.
Mary, Mary-- oh, shut up! $4,200 is not bad for a night's work.
Now, let's treat ourselves to a souvenir visor.
Oh, they're nice.
Well, I'll get one for each of us.
How 'bout a high roller tote bag? Vicki would love this.
I would love this.
I'll get 2.
And a jumbo tin of river taffy.
Let's slow down.
This all the snow globes you got? Harry, come on, that's enough.
Look at this jacket.
I need a medium.
You got a medium? Harry, walk away.
Don't touch me.
I know what I'm doing.
Cocktails! Oh, yeah? Do that thing we did.
Yeah? Hey, check this out.
That's my sister.
Ladies, ladies, excuse me.
I am gonna go get these ribs packed up to go, and then we'll hit my cabin.
You have your own cabin? Oh, ye--well, I have to share it with the Kenny rogers, but he sleeps like a log.
I'm gonna kiss him.
You are not.
I am.
I'm gonna kiss that Neil diamond impersonator right on his big sweaty mouth.
That-a-girl, Sally.
It's good to see you getting your life back on track.
Vicki? Yes, Sally? I feel good.
Yeow! Whoo! Go get him, girl.
Pretty fancy, huh? Uh, Mr.
Diamond you were right, Vicki.
I needed that.
Whoo! Let's go do something else.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, look at me, Dick.
They've stripped me of everything.
My office, my title, my dignity.
But there's one thing they can't take away from me.
Your dignity? No.
I just said they got that.
There's one thing they don't got.
My old job.
I got that.
Oh, yeah.
I got that.
Well, Dr.
Oh I've been working for you for 6 months.
That's it? Oh, what a couple of fools we've been, Mary.
Oh, no, Dick, I was the bigger fool.
If I'd just had more confidence in myself, I wouldn't have gotten into this jam.
No, Mary, I was the bigger fool.
If I hadn't been so suspicious of everyone, things would never have gotten this crazy.
No, Dick, I was the bigger fool.
I got caught.
No, Mary, I was the bigger-- no, wait.
You were the bigger fool.
Promise me one thing, Dick.
The next time the world gets all Topsy-turvy and I start acting crazy again, do me a favor, will you? Slap some sense into me? I said next time.
Harry, these warm-up suits are fantastic.
Yeah, well, you know, I like to spread the good fortune around.
How much did you win? $4,200.
Yeah, and how much did you spend? Let's call it 5 grand.
That's how casinos make all their money.
Gift shops? That's how they get you.
How can you resist? Oh, you can't.
It's like our brains have minds of their own.
Mine became so paranoid.
I was completely convinced that Mary was gonna lose her job.
And did she? Yeah.
So I guess being paranoid is kind of like being psychic.
Well, at least Mary's back in your office.
That's nice.
Yeah, it's great.
Yee-haw! Whoo-hoo! It's a girl thing.
You wouldn't understand.
oh, Mary, it's so nice to have you back in the office with me.
It is kind of homey.
Would you mind just moving a hair to your left? There's a nice window view I've kind of gotten used to.
Skitch more.
Almost there.
Another smidge.
Now down 2 inches.
Welcome home, Mary.