3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Citizen Solomon

Hey, has anybody seen my blue shirt? Yeah, here it is.
Has anybody else noticed that our place is looking a little, uhmessy? Ya think? It's just 'cause I don't have any clean clothes, you know, and we don't have any clean dishes, and there's no cleananything.
All: ewww! We're living like common hobos here.
How did this happen? I think that this started a couple of weeks ago.
I had a fork, and I put it in the sink, and then I just thought, "ahh, I'll wash it later.
" Harry, don't blame yourself.
It's not your fault.
It's Sally's fault! Ever since she moved into Dubcek's garage, this whole place has gone to pot.
Oh, I miss her.
I miss clean underpants.
That's what I meant.
Hey, guys! Oh, Sally.
[All talk at once] What are you doing? Arming you with the grime -Busting power of bleach.
Look out, scum! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is not my problem anymore.
I don't live here anymore.
You guys are just going to have to learn to clean up after yourselves.
Interesting theory.
Expand on that.
Can you scrub while you talk? Dick, I don't live here anymore.
But we miss you.
Yeah.
Why can't you just move back in? Yeah.
Oh, come on, now.
You're big boys.
I know it's hard, but you're just gonna have to learn to live without me.
But what if we don't wanna? Yeah, I don't wanna.
I don't wanna! Will you at least clean that up? I don't get this.
Why do I have to pick an extracurricular activity? Curricular? Fine.
I'll give 'em that.
But extra? You know, that's my time.
You can join the debate team.
They're a bunch of argumentative hammerheads.
How about the drama club? Artsy-fartsy losers.
I'm in the drama club! Well, you didn't let me finish.
See, had you, you would've heard me say that artsy-fartsy losers are not allowed in the drama club.
That's what I was gonna say.
You didn't let me finish.
We're doing my fair lady.
You could sing in front of the whole school.
Oh, really? 'Cause I'd be more comfortable, like, not doing that.
Well, there's always the school newspaper.
Our school has a newspaper? Yeah.
The zephyr.
Remember when the cafeteria flooded and they mopped it up with all those piles of paper? Yeah? Oh, that was the newspaper? Uh-huh.
It's very absorbent.
Oh, Nina, you're friendly with Raoul down in the cafeteria kitchen, aren't you? No.
Oh, good.
Then I have a great icebreaker for you.
Could you ask him to wash these dishes and have 'em back by 6:00? You know, I'm about 10 seconds away from quitting this job.
Oh, then you'd better hurry.
Ok.
You're only creating more work for yourself.
Hi, Dick.
Oh, good morning, Mary.
I--I was just thinking.
How about a romantic evening for 2 tonight? Just the two of us at my place.
I like what I'm hearing.
Tell me more.
Some soft jazz playing in the background, a little candlelight, a little champagne, a little dustbuster.
A little what? I was hoping you could give my place a little once-over before we get down to business.
I'm not cleaning your house, Dick! Get a maid to do that.
A maid? Yeah.
I have a woman who cleans my house--Cathy.
She's terrific.
Here.
I'll give you her number.
A woman I don't even know would clean my house? Uh-huh.
She's not my relative.
Nope.
I'm not sleeping with her? No.
What's in it for her? You pay her.
Ohh.
Well, all right, but our champagne evening just turned into beer and jerky in the parking lot.
Mm-hmm.
So this is the newspaper? Yep.
Oh, god.
What? That's my ex.
It's all right.
It's Ok.
I knew this day would come.
I'll handle this.
Ahem.
August, hi.
Look, I know we have a history together, and being dumped is never easy, and so, I don't blame you for being upset.
But I just wanted you to know that I'm with Alissa now, and I just hope that you can deal with seeing me another woman.
Tommy, um, I was the one who broke up with you.
Poor kid.
Ok, well, I've got an early rehearsal.
The director's getting his braces off at 4:00.
All right.
See you later.
All right.
Let's get started.
Anybody got anything? Marching band is holding a candy drive next week.
Ok, write it.
You really wanna read that? We don't have to read it.
We just write it.
Yeah, what's your point? Just seems a little boring to me.
Oh.
And what would you do? Well, I don't know.
Haven't you ever wondered how they have money for the new football uniforms, but they haven't rebuilt the library since fire burned down m though r? Well, sure, I wonder.
I think about it every day.
But how are we supposed to find something like that out? Well, couldn't we, like, ask some people? Interesting.
I nominate this new guy to be editor.
Me? Seconded.
Congratulations, Solomon.
All right, great.
I know you're gonna take this paper places.
Ok.
Wait.
You don't mean I'll be delivering it? Nah.
Good.
'Cause I don't have a bike.
That's it.
A little bit further.
Now keep your eyes closed.
Aw, this better be good.
And open 'em.
Ta-Da! Ta-Da! What? Look at our place.
It's spotless.
And we want you to be the first person to eat off our floor.
It's that clean.
Go on, eat.
The next time you drag me away from judge Judy, there better be a fire.
Did she just dis us? No.
She's just jealous.
And why wouldn't she be? Cathy has made this place sparkle.
What happened to our plant? Oh, it turns out that that was just an old potato.
Ohshe's wonderful.
Yeah.
Bravo! Bravo! Thank you, Cathy.
Thank you for coming into our lives.
Oh, thank you so much, Cathy.
We love what you've done to this place.
Ok.
Ohhohh what a jewel.
Oh, we're so lucky.
Chip? Don't mind if I do.
Who are you? I'm Cathy.
Is this your doin'? Uh, yeah.
I clean their house.
Who are you? I'm Sally.
I used to have to do that.
How much did they pay you? They pay you? Yeah.
Excuse me.
Wow.
You're cleaning the oven? I didn't know you could clean the oven.
Maybe that's why they got rid of you.
Dick, I'm concerned about Cathy.
She didn't show up at my place.
Do you know if she's sick? She seemed fine when I left the house this morning.
Wait a minute.
She was at your place? Oh, yeah.
I've hired her on full-time.
She's indispensable.
What? You don't do that.
Y-you don't steal somebody's maid.
You stole her from Judith.
I didn't steal her.
I lured her with money.
Give me back my maid.
I'm sorry, Mary, but Cathy is not some product to be bought or sold on the open market.
She is a living, breathing human being with feelings, thoughts, and emotions.
You don't own her.
I do.
I never met anyone like you before, Cathy.
The way you pair up socks, put them in the same drawergenius.
Yeah.
I don't know how you turn the toilet water blue, and I don't want to know.
Just don't stop doing it.
Ok.
Look, jerry, everybody knows Fred waters' face cleared up.
We can see that.
I want to know why.
And I want to know what Cindy fisher had to do with it.
Now get out of here.
Hey, chief.
How'd it go with coach Strickland? Did he talk? Aw, nah.
He said, "get out," and then he threw a croquet ball at my head.
Good, good.
He's scared.
That means we're getting close to something.
You go back and get that story.
I'll get a helmet.
Good thinking, man.
Tommy.
Principal.
Your zephyr here has opened quite a few eyes.
Mmm.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
I didn't say I liked it, Tommy.
I'm on a deadline here, principal.
Yes, well, just remember, the zephyr is a reflection of Rutherford high, wholesome, competitive.
You know, our test scores are nearing the national average.
So that's, uh, that's the kind of thing you'd like me to focus on, huh? Yes.
Good.
I'm, uh, glad you all understand.
Mmm.
Thanks for stopping by.
All right, everybody, listen up.
Did you hear what that man just said? Good.
I want you to forget it.
Now back to work.
[British accent] Hello, governor.
How's it going around here at the newspaper then? Why are you talking like that? My fair lady, tomorrow night, ring a bell? Oh, sure, sure.
You're still going, right? Of course, baby.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Loverly.
You know what Cathy did today? Put your socks in balls? No, better.
She folded my underwear.
Wow.
And I thought underwear was already as small as it could be.
What's wrong, Tommy? Socks not in balls? No.
It's this article.
I don't know how to tell the guy who wrote it he's not cutting the mustard.
You know who could help him? Cathy.
Cathy.
Really? Oh, yeah.
There's no problem she can't solve.
She's one of us now.
Like family.
Ask her.
Uh, Cathy? Would you come out here for a minute? You want me to clean the roof? [Laughs] No.
[Laughs] Well, not today.
Hello? Dick? Hello? Anybody here? Oh, my god.
She's on the roof.
I don't know why you're asking me.
Because you're the best.
I don't know what we did without you, Cathy.
They want her-- but I'm-- oh, my god.
Aah! Tommy, I have to admit there are a few items in here that bother me.
Here, for instance, where you say you will expose corruption at the highest level.
Well, that doesn't mean you, sir.
Then why is my picture right here? Look, it's a new zephyr, principal.
A new zephyr for a new millennium, and we are governed by one objective-- to tell the truth.
So what are you trying to hide, principal greschner? What? Oh, I don't know.
Certain relative of yours? Owns a printing press? Might get the yearbook contract? I think you should leave now.
Ok, off the record, though-- Out! How'd it go? Walk with me.
He's hiding something.
It goes deep.
This could be huge.
You get Jennifer piccarelli at the yearbook on the phone.
This could be an all-nighter.
On it.
Aren't you forgetting something? What? That girlfriend of yours is in a play tonight.
Right.
Damn.
Listen, August, honey, I'm in a bit of a jam.
You think you could cover the theater beat tonight? Me? Now I know you're capable of putting your feelings for me aside, all the bitterness, all the anger, all the hate, and giving Alissa's play an honest review.
Yes, and again, I was the one who broke up with you.
I broke her heart.
Hello, Harry.
Is she here? Is who here? That Cathy woman.
Yeah.
She's in the kitchen.
This is driving me crazy.
Tell me, Harry, is she better than me? Well, you put me in an awkward position here, Sally, but, yes.
Yes, she's much better than you.
Wow, that wasn't as awkward as I thought.
Well, look at you.
Made yourself quite at home, haven't you, huh? Pardon? Bet you've done this kind of thing before, huh? Yeah, plenty.
Dozens of families.
You slut.
Here you go.
Your review.
Oh.
[Clears throat] Yeah.
[Clears throat] "To watch the drama club's "new production of my fair lady "by Lerner and Loewe is to learn how low a show can go.
" That's very clever.
Keep reading.
"In the role of Eliza, "Alissa Strudwick could indeed do little.
"Her inept accent providing no distraction from her non-existent singing voice.
" You didn't hold back here, did you? Um, sadly, I did.
Oh.
Man, she's going to be hurt.
Look, you know what? I don't blame you if you don't print this.
I mean, she's your girlfriend.
She is my girlfriend.
And this is just a newspaper.
Just a newspaper? Just a newspaper, huh? Oh, and I suppose that America is just a country, and integrity is just a word, and ideals is just some dream that little kids have?! Ok! Ok.
I get your point.
Run it.
Hey, I'm the guy who says, "run it.
" Run it.
Ahem! Can I help you? Where is she, Dick? Where is who? Cathy.
I have to talk to her.
She's gone for the day, Mary.
Besides, she has nothing to say to you.
Listen to me, Dick.
I have to have Cathy back! I went through 7 maids before I found her! Mary, at your house, Cathy was a maid.
At our house, she is a member of the family.
She said that? She doesn't have to.
You can see the joy in her eyes as she trundles down the back stairs with a big bag of garbage.
For the first time in her life, Cathy is happy.
You can't keep me away from her forever, Dick.
I stole her from Judith, and I'll steal her from you! Mary.
Mary, don't get any crazy ideas, Mary! Do you hear me?! Harry, get out here! What? Mary's up to something.
We gotta go to Cathy's house and intercept her.
No! This can't be happening! She means the world to us! I've never felt so close to anybody in my entire life.
Me, neither, Harry.
Where does Cathy live? I don't know.
Well, what's her last name? Beats me.
Well, how does she spell Cathy? Cathy? I thought it was Cassie.
Let's just follow Mary.
Let's go! "Principal denies yearbook scam.
" Ok, boys, we're putting this one to bed.
Go home.
See your families for a change.
Tommy.
Hey.
How could you do this to me? What? The things it says in here.
"The rain in Spain caused this reviewer insane brain pain.
" How could you print this?! Look, Alissa, I'm a newspaperman, and it's my job to insure that every article in here lives up to the highest journalistic standards.
[Sobs] Andaugust Lefler has failed to meet those standards.
August! Yes? I gave you this assignment trusting that you could put your feelings aside for me and write an unbiased review of Alissa's play, and this is what I get? Will you stop at nothing to destroy my happiness? Ok.
Ok, for the last time, Tommy, ibroke up with you.
In fact, I started seeing somebody else when I was still with you.
Ha! I couldn't be more over you.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're fired! Hmm? Ohh! [Sighs] She really took your breakup hard, huh? It's sad, really.
[Laughing] Oh, Stephanie, now, I know you don't like green beans, but you need the vitamins if you wanna grow up to be a big girl.
Oh, hi, Cathy.
I'd ask you to sit down, but there's no room for you here anymore.
What are you doing here? I'm taking care of your family, Cathy.
Someone has to.
How's it feel, huh? How does it feel to know you've been replaced? [Buzzer] Oop.
Excuse me.
Got something in the dryer.
Be right back, kids! [Doorbell rings] Hi, Cathy.
Look, I know we have a long history, but I also know that you're the kind of person that values loyalty and friendship above all else, so that's why I brought my checkbook.
[Knock on door] Cassie? Cassie! Are you Ok? Nice try, Albright! What are you doing here? Put that filthy checkbook down.
I have every-- Mary! No! We'll not fight in front of the m-a-I-D.
Hello, Dick.
Sally, what are you doing here? I'm getting my family back.
What? Like you don't know.
I gave you the best years of my mission.
[All arguing] Shut up! Now, all of you, out of my house! I quit! But, Cathy, you're part of the family.
You love us.
I don't love you.
I don't like you.
I hate you! Ah, well, I find that hate and love are actually flip sides-- what is with you people?! I clean your house! That's it! I am not your personal property.
You have no idea what I'm-- I'm thinking or feeling.
And I am not your mother.
[Shrieks] And you you're just a psycho.
And if any of you tries to hug me again, my husband will beat the tar out of you.
So we'll see you on Monday? Get out! you know, maybe we're better off without Cathy.
Ah, hear, hear.
Place smells like us again.
Yeah.
Sauerkraut, old fruit, and wet dog.
Mmm.
Stop.
You're making me hungry.
You know, the people of this planet are obsessed with getting other people to do their dirty work.
Oh, we fell right into it.
Humans could solve so many of their problems if everybody would just take responsibility for their own mess.
How does she get these so small? I don't know.
She never let me watch.
Oh, damn! I am so psyched Cathy's gone.
You know, it drove me nuts thinking someone could take my place here.
Well, it drove August nuts to see Alissa take her place.
She took out a full-page ad showing my head on the body of a jackass.
Sally: ha! What does that mean? Oh, it's obvious.
She still loves me.
She's never gonna give up.
I'm telling you, my friend.
I sure do love cleaning, but, you know, these regular paper towels just don't do the trick.
Well, that's right, Dick, and they also leave unsightly streaks on the window.
Say, have you tried the zephyr? The zephyr? The zephyr? Well, sure.
It's not just a school newspaper anymore.
The zephyr is incredibly absorbent.
Have a look.
Watch and see how strong the zephyr is, even when wet.
Tommy! You're cleaning this up! What were you doing?!