3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Alien Hunter

Hi, guys.
Hi, Don.
Hey, Don.
Oh, hey, Don.
Yeah, I just, you know, happened to be in the neighborhood, and, uh, here you go, Dick.
Happy birthday! It's your birthday? For me? Well, tomorrow.
It's may 5, right? If that's what I said, that's what it is.
May 5.
What year? Every year.
Well, I would have dropped by tomorrow, but rumor has it that the, uh, Fbi has agents in town looking for somebody.
Yeah, they might need old Donnie's help.
Who are they looking for? That's classified information.
You have no idea, do you? That's also classified.
Well, I gotta go.
See you, Sally.
Tommy, Dick, Harry.
You know, I--I just noticed that you're tom, Dick, and Harry.
So? So tom, Dick, and Harry.
You know, like "every tom, Dick, and Harry.
" Wellthat doesn't mean that it's a calculated attempt on our part to seem average.
Yeah.
I mean, we just picked names at random when we got here.
I mean when we landed.
Bye, Don.
Bye.
Well, that was close.
Wait a minute.
Weren't you listening to what Don just said? About our names being suspicious? No, not that.
About the Fbi being in town? No, no! About it being my birthday.
Dick, it's your fake birthday.
And you're my fake family, and none of you remembered.
Wait a minute.
You're giving me a surprise party.
No, we're not.
[Sing-song] Yes, you are.
No, we're not.
Yes, you are.
You are throwing me a surprise birthday party tomorrow night.
That's an order.
Wait.
Tomorrow?! Yes! At 7 P.
M.
Sharp.
Oh! Oh! I'm gonna be so surprised.
I, uh, have your exams, everyone.
But you didn't grade these.
Oh, man, he's not even grading them anymore.
Well, is there anyone here who thinks they might have passed? Yeah.
All right, then, the important thing is that stapled to each exam is an invitation to my birthday party.
You're inviting us to your party? I didn't even think you liked us.
Oh, bug.
I don't.
I like presents.
Keep in mind, I will be aware of any no-shows.
You know, Dr.
Solomon, this could be interpreted as blackmail.
Uh, no, Caryn.
It's extortion.
He's a professor.
He can't control our social lives.
So will you be there, pitman? Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss it.
[Audience applauds and cheers] Eh--eh-- have you been here all semester? Oh, no.
I'm Mrs.
Everly, and this is my son Ned.
We're auditing your class.
I wasn't informed.
Oh, my goodness, you're smart.
Oh.
Oh, my goodness, you're perceptive.
Everyone told us what a genius you are, and, boy, were they right.
You're very unusual.
Mama likes the unusual.
Oh, now, Ned, let's not bore the great man.
Well, I hope to see you again.
You can count on it.
[Bell rings] Ok, people, your assignment is to discuss what gifts you will be buying for me.
And--and, seriously, try to top each other, can you? Hi.
Is Dr.
Solomon in? Why, yes, I am.
Dr.
Dick Solomon.
Oh, that Dr.
Solomon.
He's not your type.
I'm from the Pendleton fax line maintenance department.
Don't you mean you're a phone guy? He knows what he is.
The fax machine would be here in my office.
Where I am.
Thanks.
How do I look? Lose the sweater.
This is for you.
It's an invitation to my surprise birthday party.
If you're handing out invitations, how can it be a surprise? Mary, it won't be if you keep waving the invitation around.
Now, put that someplace where I won't see it.
Nina! Oh, uh, Nina, this is for you.
You must be Dr.
Solomon.
Yes.
Would you like to come to my surprise party? Don't you have somewhere you have to be? No.
Mama! I found his door.
Good.
That must be his desk.
Ned, get mama a chair.
Ok, mama.
May I help you? No, you can't.
Ned, honey, go back to the motel and wait.
I'm going to the motel now.
That's nice.
I'm going! I'm going! Well, Mrs.
Everly, hello.
Oh, please call me Charlotte.
All right.
Charlotte.
Dr.
Solomon, I have a confession.
I'm not some housewife auditing a class.
You're not? No.
I'm a reporter from the Cleveland plain dealer, and I want to do a story on you.
On me? Yes, you see, every year a do a piece on greatness.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Sorry.
I've done all sorts of research on you, and frankly, I'm impressed.
Will you grant me an interview? All right.
But I must ask you to limit your discussion to my greatness.
Uh, Nina.
What?! I'm going to lunch now.
Then go.
Come along, Charlotte.
As to greatness, I find that some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some thrust their greatness upon others.
Ok, so we got Just bring the chairs back when your party's over.
What? These are not chairs.
They're folding chairs.
Aah! Uh, I got a folding table if you need it.
A folding table! Get outta town! Well, you could always use it for the bar.
Bar? Why do we need a bar? Well, it's a party, you know.
You gotta serve drinks, liquor, whatnot.
Ok.
Booze.
How much do we get? I always figure per 10 pounds of guest.
Now, for a 200-pound man, you're gonna need about a half a quart of vodka.
Great.
Now I gotta call everybody to ask them how much they weigh.
Put me down at 300 pounds.
Well, I I'm big-boned.
Believe me when I say I know a lot.
Some of it I don't dare teach.
It's a terrible dilemma.
My students are slow, and I am incredibly smart.
Shouldn't you be writing this down? It's really good.
I have a confession to make.
I'm not a reporter.
You're not? Oh, please forgive me.
I'm just one of those people who craves being around personal excellence.
I guess you could say I'm the intellectual equivalent of a rock 'n' roll groupie.
Ohhwell, that's Ok.
I've always thought of myself as the intellectual equivalent of rod Stewart.
So have I.
Ever since I read your essay in the university paper.
My open letter to former transportation secretary Frederico Peña about the benefits of time travel? That's the one.
And I thought, how did this brilliant mind suddenly appear out of nowhere in the middle of Ohio? That's when I knew I had to come and find you.
You know something, Charlotte? I'm having a surprise birthday party tomorrow night.
Why don't you come? And-- and buy me something nice.
Well, what do I get for the man who knows everything? Cashmere underpants.
You see, what I would do is cut up some vegetables and then hollow out a pretty red cabbage and put your dip in it.
It's genius! Oh, Charlotte, thank god you stopped by.
Where did Dick find you? Hey.
What's Ned doing? Heh heh.
He probably just smells peanut butter.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm the same way.
Charlotte.
What are you doing here? Only saving our butts.
Yeah.
Mrs.
Dubcek, she was our party expert, but she's gone and disappeared on us.
But god sent us down this angel.
Oh, hush, now.
I'm just doing my part to celebrate a great man's birthday.
Just when I think you're too good to be true, you are.
Mama.
They don't have a sofa.
Well, anyway, she knows everything about organizing a party.
Oh, yeah.
Tell him about that soup mix with the sour cream.
Oh, now, it's on the back of the packet.
They put your recipe on the back of the packet? She's been published! I can't believe you're all putting my number-one fan to work.
Ohpish tosh.
I have a confession.
Before I came here, I was social director for carnival cruise lines, andif only I had a list so I'd know how many people were coming.
We have such a list.
A guest list.
Harry, go get it! It's in the other room! You know, I don't get to say this to a lot of people, but I'm smarter than you.
Hello, bug? Yes, uh, I'm calling to tell you that Dr.
Solomon's party has been canceled.
He has a terrible case of diarrhea and he wants everyone to know.
Yes.
Bye-bye.
Have you got everything? Yes, mama.
Good boy.
[Thumping] Hey, you! Charlotte: titty titty bang bang.
One more noise out of you and Ned here will pop your neck like a pencil.
I got my eye on you.
Ooh.
I got you something.
Happy birthday.
Don't you want to give that to me later, should some sort of party arise? I got a message the party was canceled.
Right.
Very good.
I got that message, too.
Mm.
So I guess I won't be seeing either of you around, uh, 7:00-ish? That's right.
Good.
Good.
Oh, oh, and by the way, don't forget to park where I can't see your car.
Not a problem.
Yep.
I'll never see it coming.
Well, well, here I am.
Home at last.
Hello! Anybody ho-o-ome?! I guess I'm here all alo-one! [Drill buzzes] Mama.
He's comin' around.
Uh--uh, Charlotte, uh, wh-wh-what are you doing? Well, first we're gonna cut your head open.
What? Why?! Oh, I don't know.
Could it possibly be because you're an alien?! Alien? [High-pitched nervous laugh] Ha ha ha ha! That's funny.
You're a very funny woman.
Ha ha ha you think I'm stupid? I've been watching you for over a year now, and all signs point to alien.
W-well, don't some signs point to eccentric or dutch or something? There are powerful electromagnetic signals coming from this house.
Oh, we've been microwaving with the door open.
There's a transmitter here somewhere.
And we can't find it.
I have a theory it's installed inside of you.
[Drill buzzes] Help! Help! Help! Help! He-- Don: hello? Hello! Is anybody home? Damn! Go see who that is.
Hi.
Who are you? Uh mama, there's a policeman out here.
Hello, officer.
Hi.
Uh, you two here for the party? Oh, didn't you get a call? No.
When's it start? You know, I'm on duty.
I'm only gonna have time for, like 2 or 3 drinks.
Where is everybody? Well, it's a surprise party, so everybody's hiding down in the basement.
Oh.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha.
You're who again? Oh.
Catering.
[Snaps rubber glove] Ah! Ha ha ha come on, let's go! Oh, Ok.
After you.
No, after you.
Yaaahh! Wow.
I haven't been drugged and tied up like this since valentine's day.
Ohh! It's Don! He's captured them and come to rescue us.
Oh why does he have to be so tired? Tommy: all right, that is it! What is going on here? Like you don't know.
I just wish I knew which one of you has the transmitter.
That's the head I really want to cut open.
La la la [Telephone rings] I'll get it.
Mary Albright's office.
Mmmph! Mmphmmphh! Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby.
Mmmphhgghh! Mmphhhgh! I'm hot now.
Do me.
Mmmphh! Mmmphhh! Do me all night.
Aahmmphhh! I know it's you, Dick.
[Muffled] Damn! That was Dick? Yes, with his typical sick, pathetic cry for attention.
Oh, god, it is his birthday, and his party was canceled.
I think I'm just gonna bring his present on over there.
I'll go with you.
I want to see the look on his face when I tell him I didn't get him anything.
Dialing the phone with your nose.
A classic alien maneuver.
Once I'm done with you, everyone will know the truth.
Go on, admit it.
You're aliens! No! Oh, well, maybe I'm just wasting my time with you, then.
Maybe I'll just go down there to the basement and crack open that big blonde's head.
Uh--no! No! No! Wait! All right, I admit it.
I'm an alien.
I knew it.
But I'm the only one.
The other three are innocent bystanders.
Do what you will with me! Which I hope is a severe scolding.
But spare them! I don't think so.
Why are you doing this? We come in peace! We mean you no harm.
No harm? I'm well aware of what your kind does.
Harvesting eggs for your slave race, sucking the life from the innocent, probing the butt of the poor American farmer! We never do any of that.
Well, there was this one farmer near Akron.
You know but he was asking for it! I've heard enough! Cork him! No! No! Please! Let me--aah-- Dr.
Solomon? Dr.
Solomon? Excuse me.
What are you doing here? I called you and told you there was no party.
Yeah, I know.
But sometimes Dr.
Solomon will do things to trick me, and then he yells at me.
Uh, you know, all the other guests are hiding in the basement, so come on, let's go.
I knew there was a party.
Oh.
Oh, no, no.
After you.
Mary: hello! I thought we were going downstairs.
Not just yet.
Oh, I left my gift in the car.
I'll be right back.
Shouldn't we be getting to the basement? Uh before we go down, how about a nice glass of wine? Yeah.
All right.
Honey, get that special bottle out of my bag.
Come on, everybody, into the kitchen.
Let's move it! Grab your glass! I don't have all day.
I think you'll like this.
It's a very good year.
I'm afraid I don't like red wine.
I love it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Pour hers first.
Don't we need a toast? All right.
Here's a toast to happy birthdays.
Happy birthdays! Happy birthdays! Hmm.
What's that aftertaste? Mary: hello! I'm back! Oh, crap! Did everyone go downstairs? Oh, they went down, all right.
Shut up, honey.
Where's the birthday boy? Oh, he's late.
Of course.
How about a glass of wine while you're waiting? It's so nice of you to help out, Charlotte.
Mm.
Dick's late.
That's typical.
He plans his own surprise party, and then it's called off, and then it's back on.
I guess we don't know whether it's on or off! Mmm.
This is screw-top.
This is good.
If Dick's not here in When a man doesn't have the common courtesy to-- ooh! It's official.
This is the worst party I've ever been to.
Sally! Stand with me if you can.
Uhh! Uhh! I have a--a jackknife in my pocket.
If you can reach it, we can cut through these ropes.
All right.
Harry, lean to your left.
Ok.
Sally, turn right.
Turn right.
All right.
And it's-- can you feel it? It's right where your hand is.
I can't reach it.
Keep trying.
You're almost there.
All right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
Ok, careful, Sally, that's not uh oh ohh ooh, boy.
I got it.
Well, don't just stand there.
Cut us out.
You know, I've never been in a hostage situation before, but I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
[Buzzing] Oh, my god, Dick! Oh, god! Oh, my god! Stand back or the spaceman gets it! Freeze, everybody! Oh, my god! Fbi! Freeze! Ned: mama.
Put those two in cuffs.
Somebody untie that man.
Charlotte: no! Don't you understand? He's one of them! Let me open him up.
You'll see he's an alien.
Yeah, right, Charlotte.
So were the other 8 you cut up.
Ok, fine.
But this one is.
He admitted it.
I know where you live.
You can't hide! Aliens! Aliens! Aliens, huh? [All laughing] Yeah.
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! you know, I couldn't help but notice you federal boys left a crucial piece of evidence at the crime scene.
The gnome.
The gnome? Yeah.
The blunt instrument.
And local boy Donnie picked it up for you.
Yep.
Just covering your ass.
Shall we steal the car, mama? No, honey.
That would be wrong.