3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick vs. Strudwick

Dr.
Solomon, have you bought Strudwick's new book yet? I was gonna order it off the Internet until I realized there's no such thing as amazon.
Crap.
Look at him, standing up there like all of this was for him.
All this is for him.
Fine.
But he doesn't have to bask.
Look at him basking.
That basker! You're just jealous because he got a book published and you didn't.
Jealous? Ha ha! Of his little comic book? That's a hoot and a half.
Well, those 4 Nobel laureates over there kissing his butt seem to disagree.
So, where are the Nobel guys? Oh, they're over there with Strudwick.
But they're not so great.
One of them had to share his prize with a swede.
Why don't you go talk to them? Oh, gosh, I'm so nervous.
Do I have any broccoli in my teeth? Not a lot.
Come on.
Ok.
Ha ha ha ha! Hey, Dick.
Quite an impressive turnout for me, wouldn't you say? Not bad.
It's no gay pride parade.
Right.
So, what'd you think of the book? As bathroom fare? A triumph.
Well, I'm going to go get my picture taken for the national journal of physics.
Don't be in it.
Oh, I won't.
I've got to get in that picture! Hey! Are you whittling? Actually, I found this piece of wood outside, and I figured I'd make us all some twig men.
Well, how nice of you! Just had a lot of extra energy since Don and I called it off.
Can't understand why.
So, call me later? Ok.
Ok.
Bye.
Wellpretty good afternoon for me.
A little, uh a little homework, a little music.
A little makin' out.
Oh, wait! Did I say "a little"? I meant a lot! Tommy! Aaah! Ow! It was incredible, man.
We were just sitting there next to each other, and all of a sudden, we looked at each other, and somethin' came over us.
And then you kissed her didn't you? No, no, no.
Not yet, right? We--we, uh, we inched closer and closer together.
Right? And--and--and my lips were there, and ohh! Her lips were there that sounds real nice, Tommy.
And then you kissed her, didn't you? Well, no.
Then I blacked out.
But when I woke up, man, we were kissin'! And we just kissed and kissed-- aah! Sorry.
I think I need a new twig! hello.
Yes.
This is Vincent Strudwick.
You just published my book physics for a new millennium.
I want all copies recalled.
Why? Well, besides the fact that I plagiarized the whole thing from renowned genius Dick Solomon, I also feel that the jacket photo fails to highlight my pouty , feminine mouth.
Get on it! Of course this is the real Strudwick! Hello? Hello? What's this? It's Strudwick's new book.
Oh, I thought I smelled a stink in here.
Well, get used to the stink.
It's the new textbook you'll be teaching from.
What?! They say it's brilliant! Who says that?! Everyone.
Well, call up "everyone" and tell them to go to hell.
I'll get right on that.
Look at this.
I could write a better book overnight.
You think you're the smartest man on the planet, don't you? For the thousandth time, yes! Nina, cancel my classes.
I've got some writing to do.
Get out of my way! And that was Dr.
Solomon.
And this is my office.
Oh, gentlemen, it has been a tremendous honor to be able to give you the tour.
Thank you for coming.
Oh! You know what? You haven't seen our cafeteria! I'd love to join you, but I have a class.
Do they have soup? Yes, I believe they have soup.
Is it a cream soup? Uh, that I don't know.
I hope they have waffles.
Oh, but not the round ones.
Certainly not.
No, no.
Not the round ones, no.
So, go.
Go.
It's Ok.
It's Ok.
Go.
Have soup.
Tommy, my man! Lookin' good! Yeah.
I'm gonna go meet Alissa's parents tonight.
I'm a little nervous.
You know what I find, Tommy? Parents love the Greeks.
So what you want to do is come off as Greek.
But not too Greek, see, ' cause that's just creepy.
I suggest medium Greek.
That's money.
I'm just gonna be myself.
Ah.
Bold choice.
Relative intensities comparison spectrum gravitational field, deviation of the relative infinity of the construct-- hey, Dick! The movie starts in 20 minutes.
Don, I--I can't come.
I'm in the middle of writing a groundbreaking book that'll bring the physics world to its knees.
Oh.
What's it called? Payback's a bitch, Strudwick.
But, Dick, I I already got the tickets, like you told me.
Here.
Listen to this, Don.
"To construct the analog curvature, "deplace a vector x a second time to the firstp.
"The coinciding volume of the light complex is the same whether measured in terms of the variable k or L.
" What do you think? Watch out, Steven king.
Oh, he better.
Hey, Don.
How's it goin'? Oh, not good.
Your brother just stuck me with a movie ticket.
Oh, yeah? What movie you seein'? I don't remember the name of it, but it's the one where Jackie Chan kills I hear that one's awesome! Yeah.
Ha ha.
I would ask you, you know , but since we broke up oh.
Of course.
Sure.
But I--I do have, you know, an extra ticket.
Maybe we could go as, uh friends.
Ok.
Yeah.
Friends.
Hey, I'll even buy the ticket off ya.
No, don't worry about that, unless you happen to have 6.
50 handy.
OhI only got a 20 on me.
I got change.
[Giggles] Where you goin'? I have to put a fork at the other end of the table.
I'll miss you.
Shut up.
Woman: hi.
Go in and check on the kids.
Ok.
There's my parents.
Don't be nervous.
They're gonna love you.
Ok.
[Clears throat] Dad, this is Tommy.
This is my father.
Hello, Tommy.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
Nice to meet you, too.
You know, uh you're nothing at all like I pictured.
Hi.
I'm Alissa's mom.
Now I get it.
Man! You wrote a whole book? Only the most brilliant book on physics ever written.
The formulas in there are 400 years ahead of this planet's most advanced modern thinking.
Whoa, Dick! You're gonna be famous! Why, yes, I am, thank you very much.
Cold fusion, perpetual motion? Humans are gonna be blown away by all that.
This'll wipe the smugliness off Strudwick's furry, ratlike little face.
Every expert in the country's gonna be dyin' to know how you figured all this out.
You think? Oh, and the fame! I can't wait to see Barbara Walters make you cry.
Barbara Walters? Yep.
Grillin' you about your childhood on national television.
But I--I never had a childhood.
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
A boy grows up awful fast on the mean streets of, uh where are you from again? Outer space! What was I thinking?! If I publish all the secrets of the universe, we might just as well walk into the pentagon and yell out, "we're aliens!" Oh, yeah.
That would be quite a predicament.
You idiot! Well [Sighs] This is my place.
Wow.
Smells, um rustic.
Thanks.
You know, this was really great.
Isn't it cool that we can just go to a movie as friends? It is cool.
It's great.
Really great.
So, you want a cup of coffee or anything? Nah.
I should probably go.
Ok.
That was a wonderful meal, dotty.
Yeah, delicious.
Well, I'm glad you liked it.
Here, mom, let me give you a hand.
[Clears throat] So, uh I really like Alissa a lot.
She's a lovely girl.
Yeah.
You and me, we're lucky guys, huh? We got ourselves a couple of hotties, huh? Excuse me? Listen, man.
Ahem.
Between you and me, has Alissa mentioned anything about my kissing? What? The thing is, we're makin' out, like, a lot.
Right? But she's a little more experienced than I am, which is why any feedback she gave you'd be really appreciated.
I--I think maybe we should change the subject.
Oh, Ok.
So.
What does your father do? Uh, he's a professor.
At Pendelton.
Um, Dick Solomon? Oh oh, boy.
That was somethin', huh? I wasn't expectin' that! Oh, me, neither.
Well, I guess we had one left in us.
That was a big mistake.
Oh, big.
Oh, big.
[Chuckling] Well, uhI, uh I'd better be goin'.
Ok! I'll see you around.
You know what? We'll do somethin', right? Oh, that'd be nice.
God, I want you.
Take me! Dr.
Solomon, channel 58 just called and asked if you would like to appear on some show called men & ideas? Men & ideas?! Yes, indeed, I do! Mary, look at this.
What? I guess the word is finally getting out.
I'm gonna be a guest on men & ideas.
Actually, you're just a panelist.
What? The show's all about Strudwick.
No! Ohhh [Sobbing] You're taking it better than I thought you would.
[Honking] I'll be right there! [Chuckles] It's the laureates.
I'm taking them to banana republic.
Bernard has never worn jeans.
But, Mary [Honk honk] Oh.
I'm coming! Jeez! Dick! What's going on?! What do you mean? What is your son doing with my daughter? What are you talking about? Well, apparently, they've been dating for 3 months.
That's impossible.
Tommy's been dating some girl named Alissa for 3 months.
Alissa Strudwick, you idiot! My daughter! What?! That hot little blond number's your daughter?! How dare you describe her in that way?! No Strudwick is gonna date my son! Your son is an ill-mannered, obnoxious boor! You take that back! All right.
He's rude! He's smug! He kissed my daughter right in front of me! Wait a minute.
Vincent.
What? This is really bothering you, isn't it? Damn right it is.
I suggest that you teach your son some manners.
What's so damn funny? Nothing.
Nothing.
Oh, no.
No, no! Oh, no! No, no! What is it, Dick? It's nothing.
I can't talk about it.
Oh, no! What?! It's nothing you'd be interested in.
It's just about the two of you, that's all.
It's about us? What is it? It's about what your father said about you.
But, please, don't ask.
I promised him I wouldn't say.
What?! What?! All right, here it is.
Now, listen.
Your father thinks the two of you should break up.
What? Why? Something about him not trusting you, you being too immature, you following in the footsteps of that aunt of yours that everybody hates.
Aunt Ellie? Mmm.
Everybody loves aunt Ellie.
Oh, wellthere must be somebody in your family that everybody hates.
Cousin Jeff? That's the one.
Cousin Jeff.
I'm nothing like cousin Jeff.
His words, not mine.
Why would he say that? My dad can be such a jerk sometimes.
Oh, don't tell me.
I think the two of you are fabulous together.
I guess I've always been able to see you for the intelligent, independent young woman that you are.
Thank you! Wait a minute.
But if your father can't see that, then I think you have no choice but just to go straight home and be furious with him.
Oh, I'm on my way! Oh! Dick are you sure-- I've already said too much! Well, this is much better, huh? Absolutely.
We should never have gone to your apartment.
There's, uh a bed in there.
Yeah.
What were we thinking? I mean, this this makes more sense.
Thisis the perfect place for 2 friends to share a cup of coffee.
You know, I knew we could do it, Don.
Totally casual.
No problem.
Hi, guys! Harry! What--What's up? How're you doin'? Where-- what's up? Where you goin'? Well, I was just goin' over to the park to push over some of those tai chi guys.
Ohhh and what are you doin'? We're just havin' some coffee.
Havin' coffee.
Want some coffee? I'd love some coffee! Oh, great! There's Nothin' better than 3 friends sittin' around, havin' some Joe! I'll get the cup, and you pour.
Ok, great.
So, Harry, what'd you do today? Oh, well, my day started sort of early.
You know that thing where, um, if you say "rabbit," you'll have good luck all day? I was gonna do that first thing in the mornin'.
And then there was lunch.
Morning, Vincent.
How's it goin'? Did you talk to your boy last night? Yes.
We talked, we laughed, we shared.
Then there were the, uh, hugs, as usual.
How'd it go with Alissa? She came home, slammed the door in my face, and locked herself in her room.
Ooh.
Ouch.
Did she, by any chance, say that, uh, she hates you? How'd you know that? Call it fatherly intuition.
She saidshe said oh, never mind.
Go on, Vincent.
You can tell me.
She said why couldn't I be more like like you? Well, I can understand that.
Some of us devote our time to our families, others opt instead to write books.
I'm sure you made the right choice.
Not for your daughter, of course, but for you.
This is awful! No, don't worry! As the decades slip by, these wounds will scab over and harden into bitter scars.
And you'll get together then, Vince.
I know you'll have a good time then.
Ohhh Ok, everybody, here we go.
Johann, why don't you sit right here? Here you go.
Ok.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Bernard give me the gum.
Give me the gum.
Spit it out! So, Don, do you think we'll be Ok here? Come on, Sally, there must be 50 people here.
That's true.
We're not gonna do it in front of 50 people.
You sit over there.
I'll sit over here.
And we're on in 32 hello, and welcome to men & ideas.
I'm Hamilton bell.
And to my right is Dr.
Vincent Strudwick, author of physics for a new millennium and the brightest star of the Pendelton university faculty.
Huh! We are also honored to have a distinguished panel of Nobel laureates-- Dr.
Bernard yamshuth Dr.
Carl mainen Dr.
Ronald schenk and Dr.
Johann borgeson.
And finally, "physics professor "and raconteur and master of close-up magic Dick Solomon.
" [Applause] Tell me, Dr.
Strudwick.
Did you have any idea when you set out to write your book that it would get this kind of reception? Honestly? Yes.
Well, it-- it is, a, uh, tremendous work, but it has come at quite a cost, hasn't it, Vincent? What? I think you know what I mean.
Well, I'm sure we all have questions for you, Dr.
Strudwick, so why don't we begin-- yes, I have one.
Ok, then.
Dr Solomon.
Yes.
I was discussing the book last night with my son Tommy.
Hi, Tommy.
Love you.
And, uh, it made me wonder.
You seem to have a reasonable grasp of spectral analysis, and yet you have no idea where your teenage daughter was last night at midnight--my house, where kids are allowed to flourish.
Why don't you shut your mouth, Solomon?! Why don't you make me? Let's go! Come on! Ok.
Ok.
I'm cool.
I'm cool.
Please, oh, please, gentlemen.
Let's be civil.
Don't look at me, ham.
I'm just trying to be a good father.
I am a good father.
Oh, yeah? Then why did you insist that your daughter never see my son ever again?! What are you talking about? I never said that.
What? I only said that he should mind his manners! Liar! I might've been paraphrasing-- I'll kill you! Tommy! Tommy! It's Ok! Come on.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm all right.
This is a show about a science book.
It should be boring.
You're an idiot! It's on, bitch! Let's go! Come on! Please, everyone! Let's just stay calm! Calm down! Peace! Peace! Peace! Well! This guy thinks he's all that, but he's notall that! Oh, yeah.
This is where it gets good.
Mary: I am sick of you [Bleep]! My god.
Look at that face I'm making.
Now look at this.
Now, that's a punch.
Dick, that was the makeup woman.
Well she had it coming.
Hey! Are you and Don back together again? No.
Why would you think that? Well, he's got his tongue in your ear.
HarryDon and I have some issues to resolve, but we're gonna get together tonight and talk 'em out.
Uh-huh.
Wear somethin' nice.
Shut up! I just don't understand it.
All I did was assuage my professional jealousy by attacking Strudwick on a deeply personal level, using his daughter and my son as unwitting pawns.
Yet somehow I come off looking like the bad guy.
What are you talking about? You jeopardized my relationship for your own petty goals.
Tommy, sometimes you have to take one for the team.
Oh, you think you're all that! I am all that! Oh, you want some of this? does your dad hate me? No.
He's just overprotective.
Does your dad hate me? No.
He loves you.
He thinks you're great.
And so do I.
Get your lips off that Strudwick.
That's--really, that's just his way.
That's how he is.
He really likes you.
Honestly.
Are you sure? Yes! Absolutely.
He's just--You know.
He's, uh Dick: he's what?! He's a big fat jackass! At least I'm not a Strudwick.