3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Near Dick Experience

Harry: hi.
Reservation for Solomon.
Right this way.
Uh, you must be new here.
That's our table.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That table's reserved.
That's right.
Reserved for us.
Sir, this is a gas receipt.
Uh, look, do you want this to get ugly? 'Cause, um--ahem-- I am jonesing for some ugly.
I'm sorry, but that table is reserved for the owner tonight.
Maybe you don't know who you're talking to.
When I come here on my birthday, I get a free entree, when I buy an entree, providing I pay for the more expensive entree! Just give us the table, you cow- murdering bastard, or I swear I'll-- whoa! Did you see that?! My god, we could have been killed! But we weren't, Tommy.
We weren't.
We're alive.
We are.
Thank god we didn't get that table.
Bless you for being such a jerk! Thanks, jackass! look at the way that tree divides-- coming from one.
I believe they call that the crotch of the tree.
Why do you think the tree decided to do that? Like each piece is taking its own path.
Yeah, each exploring its own destiny.
But still united, right there in the crotch.
How did we never notice that crotch? Tommy, it's not just the crotch, you see? I mean, it's like I'm seeing everything for the first time.
What are you guys doing on the roof at 3:00 in the morning? What are we doing, Dick? We're living.
At 3 A.
, You should be sleeping.
We've been asleep for years.
We're finally awake.
You know, we were almost killed tonight, Dick.
What? That's awful! Oh, no, no, no.
It is so wonderful.
Do you remember when we first landed and everything seemed so fresh and new and alive? Well, that's how we feel right now.
Oh, wow.
Look at those lights.
I feel like they're piercing my soul.
Oh, yeah.
The flashing lights around the big liquor mart sign? Lights that insist on shining even in the dark of night.
Directing you to buy discount liquor? Ooh, whoa! I just realized something.
We're all wearing shirts.
How great is that? Ooh, my blue looks pretty in the moonlight.
Who came up with shirts? But they're just shirts.
We always wear shirts.
Remember when we were that blind? How sad.
All right, here's a list of the gear you'll need for the staff retreat on mount digney.
This'll be fun.
Are there gonna be snakes out there? If you're asking if my lawyer's coming, the answer is no.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Look at this paper clip.
I'm looking.
This must be the most extraordinary paper clip I've ever seen.
Why? Well, look at it.
I feel like it's piercing my soul.
It's piercing your soul? Yeah.
Why not? You know what your problem is? You take everything for granted.
Don't you all wish you could be like me, seeing everything for the first time? Huh? Well, don't you? Ok, tell me what you see exactly.
Well, this paper clip is an unusual-type specimen.
It's gray, uh slightly curlier than yours.
Oh, I'm such a fraud! I don't even like paper clips! Leave me alone! Tommy! Tommy, listen! I've been thinking.
I have spent my entire time on this planet being mean to people.
All I have been doing is spreading fear.
That's true.
So, I have decided now I'm just gonna help people, people like these poor, miserable souls.
That's the cast of Les miz.
Sally, listen up.
If poor folks and losers are your bag, then go out there and help 'em.
Follow your dream.
I-I've never heard you talk like this, Harry.
Harry? Ahh Harry let other people define him.
Harry let other people tell Harry who Harry was.
Well, a chandelier fell on Harry.
Harry's dead.
Then who are you? Me? I'm A.
It's nice to meet you, A.
Dick: hey, guys! Hey, hey, hey, guys! I--I can't find joy in this paper clip.
I'm not missing anything, am I? So little but so much.
It's beautiful.
Oh, god.
What is it? I don't get it.
What am I not seeing? Alissa: hello! Alissa! Hey.
Hi! Ohhhi.
Oh! Did you wash your hands? Oh, it's so good to see you.
Yeah, it's good to see you, too.
I love you so much.
Come with me.
There's a crotch I want to show you.
Bless you, miss Sally.
Oh, no, chester.
Bless you.
Hi, Don.
It's so nice to see you down here at the mission helping out.
Oh, well, hey, you know, it's a whole new me.
I've decided I'm gonna devote my whole life to this.
Well, that's great, Sally.
How about some chicken vegetable and double crackers? It's for them.
Oh, of course.
Oh, Don.
Thank you so much for helping out.
Well, you know, you do what you can.
Get your hands off that.
Come on.
So, uh, you volunteering, too, Harry? The name's A.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
I know who I am.
You know who you are? I'm Don.
Well, if you think you're Don, you will be Don.
I know I'm Don.
Well, there you go.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about dreams, people.
There is no limit to what you can accomplish in your dreams-- no boundaries, no fear.
But then what happens? You wake up, and the dream is gone.
It's over.
Now, what I'm talking about is dreaming the possible dream.
Yeah? What is your dream, sir? I--I always wanted to play the piano.
Well, who's stopping ya? You are stopping you.
The only person standing between you and your dream is you.
I don't have a piano.
Well, I don't have a piano.
Look at me.
Hasn't held me back.
Ok, so you weren't killed by a chandelier.
What's the big deal? Well, don't you see? I mean, there are chandeliers hanging over our heads everywhere that we go in this world.
There are? Yeah.
Ok, so the chandelier can come in many forms.
I mean, it could be something as horrifying as the bite of a diseased rat or as whimsical as an open manhole.
I guess I just never heard that expression before.
Yeah, Ok, but the point is that every time I see you, it could be the last time.
You know, every kiss could be our last kiss.
Tommy, did a rat bite you? Alissa Strudwick will you marry me? Shut up.
Marry me.
No, get up off the floor.
Ok, well, if we're gonna get married, you're gonna have to stop bossing me around.
Shut up! Why does this world leave me so cold? Why does it hide its beauty from me? Hey! Get away from that daffodil, you stupid hummingbird! Dick, we still haven't gotten your release form for the staff retreat.
Oh, that.
We need an accurate head count to get 10% off on parking.
You're holding us back, Dick.
Why should I go? So the sunset can bore me? So a marmot can lick my oblivious face? So I can be so lost in my ennui that I fall off a cliff and--and and nearly plummet to my I'm in! What are you so damn excited about? I'm in! I'm going on that camping trip, and I am going to have a near- death experience if it kills me! Thank you, miss Sally.
Oh, please.
Your patheticness has shown me how fortunate I am, so for that, I thank you.
A chandelier fell on Harry, but who walked out? A.
That's right.
Let me break it down for you, people.
Have any of you ever felt like a slave to your job? No.
Sometimes I do.
Come on, Rico.
I do.
Stop planting ideas in his head, Harry.
The name's A.
And I don't plant ideas.
The seeds are already there-- the seeds of your dreams.
I just bring 'em on out into the sunshine.
Well, let's take you, Don.
You're a cop.
You carry a loaded gun.
But you're not superbright, now, are you? No-- wait a minute! Not bright, loaded gun-- you'll be lucky if you see 30.
I'm way past that now.
No, Don! This is not who you are! This is not your life.
It isn't? No.
What do you know about a place called Bhutan? I think they shut 'em down for serving dog.
No, Rico.
It's a kingdom in the Himalayas.
They speak Tibetan and value a little thing called self-realization.
Would you like to realize yourself, Don? Well, it sounds good in theory.
Then go! Go to Bhutan! Follow your destiny! I'm going to Bhutan! Rico! We were supposed to go to cocoa beach! Rico! One bottle of beer on the wall one bottle of beer you take it down and pass it around there'll be no more bottles of beer on the wall all right.
We'll head to the mountain at 8 A.
Any questions? Uh, yes.
As we climb, will you point out any crevasses that I might plummet into? I will! There's nothing like that here.
Well, I-is there a dead man's anything? You see, I'm looking for the kind-- shut up, Dick! All right, I'm turning in.
Oh, and a word to the wise: everybody put your food in the bear bags.
This is bear country.
Thank you, Vincent.
Nina: good night.
Good night, Vincent.
Good night, Mary.
Dick, what are you doing with that sandwich? Vincent just said that was dangerous.
Well, you know what I love about bears.
They'll almost kill you every time.
No, Dick, they will kill you every time.
They will? Good night, Vincent.
Ok, Tommy, I'm really sorry.
I never meant to hurt your feelings, you know.
It's just that we're so young.
We have plenty of time.
It's all right.
I mean, you can't understand where I'm coming from 'cause you haven't experienced what I've experienced, so now, why don't you try some perfectly ordinary peanut brittle? Tommy, that's a can full of fake snakes.
What are you talking abou-- it says peanut brittle right on the front.
[Clunking] When you shake it, it sounds like there's peanut brittle inside.
Go ahead.
All right.
Aah! Snakes! They're gonna kill you! All right, well, what if those were real? Well, I would hope you wouldn't have offered them to me.
Yeah, but-- but the point is that there's deadly peanut brittle out there for everybody.
Yeah, I know, peanut brittle and chandeliers everywhere, and that's why I have to marry you.
Yes! Good! I'm glad you're coming around.
No, that's not what I was saying.
Look, I love you.
Don't make me cut your brake lines.
Ok, now you're threatening me? No! No, no.
No, no, no, no.
I I just want you to be sufficiently scared so that you understand that--That every moment of life is so precious, and--and every moment that I'm not with you, you know, it's like a moment wasted.
That's really sweet.
So you'll marry me? No.
Is your harness secure? Not especially.
And that's the way I like it.
One of the thrills of climbing is never knowing when your gear is going to crap out.
Dick, the other group is over there.
Why are we going this way? No, we're leaving the pack behind.
Cat's eye peak awaits.
You know, the whole point of these faculty outings is not really an intense climb, more like a brisk walk followed by a nice, long happy hour.
This could be dangerous.
Yes, but, Mary, I have to perch on the teeth of death in order to stare down onto the tonsils of enlightenment.
What, do you have some kind of death wish? Actually, it's more of a near-death wish, but if we rule out death, I really think it undercuts the experience, you know.
Oh, my god.
I'm climbing a mountain tied to a suicidal maniac! Help me! Help me! Mary! Mary! Please, Mary! Help me! Help me! Remember what Judith said.
Any loud noise can cause an avalanche.
[Thump, dust falling] Yodel-oh-ooh-hoo! Oh, shh! Shh! Ah-yodel-oh-ooh-hoo! Hey! You burned me.
Have an extra bread.
Thanks for nothing.
Man, this is really starting to get old.
Hey, A.
, You know, I've always dreamed of working in the movie industry.
Can you help me out? Uh, yeah.
I'm gonna call warren beatty for you right now.
, Everybody says you're a real inspiration.
Tell me, how did you change your life? You know, you guys, I told this story, like, a million times already.
Why don't you ask one of these guys? They don't seem to be doin' Nothin'.
Hey, Sally, can I have that people when you're done with it? Uh, I'm stuck on a crossword.
It's gonna be a while.
Hey, guys.
Isn't it great to be alive? Yeah.
I feel electric.
Carpe freakin' diem.
Ha ha! Ha uh, who are we kiddin'? It's over.
I was just faking it so I wouldn't harsh your buzz.
Hi, guys.
I just came to say good-bye.
Where you going, Don? The name's not Don.
It's skip.
And I'm going to Bhutan! No way! What?! Why? Self-realization.
Are you sure this is what you wanna do, Don? I'm sure I spent $4,000 on a package deal.
Well, when are we gonna see you again? Maybe never.
Maybe in 3 weeks.
Probably in 3 weeks.
Oh, don't be mad! I'm not mad! Dick, stop what you're doing right now! I don't care about your adrenaline high! I want to live! I want to live! You'll live like never before.
Imagine tasting a blueberry for the first time every time! Forward! You're not taking me with you! There we go! The gaping maw of the unknown! I'm one fingerhold away from death and thus life! Hi, guys.
I left the watermelon in the car.
I'm coming with you.
Nooo! Yes! What? The answer is yes.
I ask you a question? You asked me to marry you.
Oh! Right! Wow! All right.
Well, um, that's super-Duper there.
You were just so intense.
I couldn't get what you were saying out of my head, so I asked my mother, my priest, Allison, Kristina, and Brittany, and they all said no, but--But I say yes! W-w-w-wait.
You didn't listen to your mother? I mean, I don't know if I can marry a girl who doesn't listen to her mother.
Tommy, are you telling me you've changed your mind? No, hardly.
I'm just saying that we have to carefully consider-- you've changed your mind.
I'm an idiot.
You know, this is why I said no twice.
No, but, Alissa, I-- but then I started thinking, you know, about how much I like you and how great we are together and how I'd never want to lose that.
And sure, it's impulsive, but some of the greatest things you could do in life are impulsive, and, I mean, think about it, Tommy, we could wake up every morning together in each other's arms forever.
God, I'm a moron! Alissa, will you marry me? No! Look, Dick, I-- I don't care what you do.
You can skydive, bungee-Jump, go over Niagara falls on a pogo stick for all I care.
Just don't drag me along.
I would think you'd be a little more grateful, Mary.
I wanted you to share my experience.
Thank you.
Thank you for the gift of death.
It's the thought that counts.
If you wanna go pick flowers, pick flowers in a nice, safe park.
Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
There's a train.
Oh, I've seen trains before.
They no longer hold any excitement for me.
Dick! Aah! Ahh.
M-Mary, are you all right? Yes.
Oh, my god.
That train could have killed us.
We were inches away from death! Look what you did to my car! But we're alive! Mary, we're alive! Dick, do you smell gas? Yes.
I feel like I'm smelling it for the first time.
We're alive! Nice night, isn't it? Eh great news! I blew up Mary's car! Now I can see life like you do, with aliveness.
I'm not actually sure "aliveness" is a word.
It is now.
Come, roll with me in the dewy scent of the night jasmine.
You know, what's weird is--is you can smell it every night, you know what I'm saying? What's Sally talking about, A.
? A.
Was full of crap.
Heart of gold, full of crap.
Hey, guys, I just had another near-death experience.
Alissa's father found out I proposed, and he came after me with a bat.
So you can still be in my soul posse.
Uh, it didn't really work the second time.
But look in the distance I see the shining brilliance of the liquor mart sign.
Remember this moment, Dick.
God, I wish I could see with your clarity.
Can you make out if those tall boys are still on sale? man, this place must be good.
Look at the line.
Wonder what soup they've got.
I've been hankering for a nice lobster bisque all day.
Come on, chester, move it along.
We got hungry people here.
Some of us have jobs to get back to, all right? What are you all looking at?