3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick's Big Giant Headache (1)

So, junior prom, eh? It's held in the gymnasium? Yeah.
It's gonna be great.
Mm-hmm.
That sounds really romantic.
You know, I spend having hulking football players yank my underpants up my crack.
Tommy, listen to me.
I've always dreamed of going to my prom.
I've been looking forward to it for years.
So if you ruin it for me, I'll yank your underpants up your crack.
This is a side of you that I like.
Hey, hon, what are you looking at? Oh, my god! You're going to your prom? Yeah.
What's wrong? Well, it's just-- see, I never got to go to my prom.
It was supposed to be the most beautiful night of my life.
Just me and Freddy steckel.
Like in your tattoo? But something terrible happened that night.
Freddy never made it to my house.
As he was getting into his car in his driveway, his wife caught him and made him come back inside.
That's sad.
I still have my pretty prom dress in my closet.
Sure, now it's oldfaded stained with my tears.
Do you wanna see it? Ok, sure.
Well, wait a second.
What about me? Oh, great.
I guess I just have to stand here and twiddle my-- incoming message from the big giant head.
Dick, Sally! It's the big giant head! The big giant head has evaluated your mission, and you have been issued a score based on the color scale of the visible light spectrum.
What? Your mission has been adjudged orange.
Hey, that's great! Orange is very bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10, it's, like, a 2.
Oh! Damn! To reevaluate your mission, the big giant head is on his way to earth.
He will arrive tomorrow between the earth hours of 9 A.
M.
And 3:30 P.
M.
Someone from the mission must be home during this time.
Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1-- ah-choo! the big giant head is coming here? Why? To tear us 4 new ones.
But we just got these.
He's gonna yell.
There will be lots of yelling, and then the hitting.
How dare he? He's never even been to this planet.
He has no idea how hard it is to be a human.
Wait.
"Be a human"? My god, you guys.
Maybe that's our problem.
We've become too damn human! What are you talking about, Sally? You see? "Sally.
" You used to call me "lieutenant.
" Well, we've adapted! We're emulating an earth family.
Earth families don't refer to each other by rank.
They use more familiar terms, like "you" and "bastard.
" And "you bastard.
" Thanks to you guys, our mission might be canceled.
Us?! Well, what about you? You separated yourself from the mission by moving into your own apartment! Huh.
Ok.
Well, how about the fact that you decided to father a baby with Vicki despite the distinct possibility it might explode out of her stomach and eat the doctor's face off? If there were any tentacles, it would show up in the sonogram.
Will you two stop fighting? You have both taken unacceptable risks.
Lieutenant, I order you to move back in with us.
Harry, you will not father an earth baby.
What am I supposed to tell Vicki? Just deal with it! I'm the high commander.
That's final.
Yeah, well, if I were a high commander, I'd turn a hose on you and Albright.
Well, you're not.
Besides, I'm sure once the big giant head meets Mary, he will find her to be a suitable use of my time.
What's the look? Oh, good.
Mary, here you are.
Listen.
An old friend of mine is coming to town.
Great guy, really great, and I'm really hoping he'll like you.
Don't you mean you're hoping I'll like him? Yeah, that's what I meant.
Who is this guy? He's an old college friend.
Now, when he gets here, you're not gonna start talking explicitly about our sex life, are you? Of course not.
Well, that's the thing.
You see, I'm kinda gonna need you to.
Try to bring up how great I am and also mention how much I've learned.
You want me to talk about our sex life so you can impress an old college chum? Yes.
And don't be afraid to embellish.
Every time you're about to describe something, multiply it by 2 first.
Dick, why are you so insecure? You're fine in bed.
Ok.
Multiply it by 2.
You're great in bed.
Multiply by 4.
You are a stallion.
The merest touch of your hand ignites an unquenchable inferno in my loins.
Yes, 4! 4! Do it! Could I just hear 5? No! Ok.
4! 4 is good.
Hey, Doug.
What's the deal with these things? They're pickled eggs.
Can I? That's pretty good.
Uh, Doug.
You gotta help me out with something, Ok? When I ask if I can take off early, you just say, "no, you gotta stay late and purge the soda valves," Ok? Ok.
Hi, Harry.
Hi, Vicki.
Egg? Baby, come on.
You know I've already got an egg.
Oh, right! You mean say, Doug.
Mind if I knock off a little early tonight? Sorry, Harry.
I need you to purge the soda valves.
But come on, Doug.
Can't you see we got plans? Sorry, Harry.
I need you to purge the soda valves.
What, you're forcing me to stay? Yeah.
Well, thanks a lot, you son of a bitch! Oh, boy! Just because you're so unhappy in your life, you gotta make other people feel bad? Oh, yeah! Walk away! Walk away! We've got tonight who needs to know? We've got tonight-- that's it.
Just sway to the music.
Hey, stop it! Well, excuse me for trying to simulate an actual prom-type situation! I just need help with the dancing part, Ok? Let's just do it again.
Ok, but this time you be Alissa.
Ok.
Wait.
Why am I being Alissa? Because I'm tired of being Alissa.
Yeah, but at the prom, I'm gonna be Tommy.
Don't worry about it.
What are you doing?! I'm just trying to prepare you.
Tommy might try that.
I would not try that.
Yes, you would.
Yeah, I would.
I wish I were dancing with Vicki right now.
But thanks to the big giant stupid head, I can't.
[Crying] Oh, it's Ok.
Hey, I'll be Vicki.
Sorry.
Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
I'll come back.
We're just practicing for the prom.
Oh, the prom.
One of the most grueling nights of the year for us boys in blue.
How come? How come? Prom night has all the ingredients of a tragedy.
Take a couple of teenagers, throw in a bottle of scotch lifted from daddy's liquor cabinet, stir in a dash of loud music, and you've got a deadly cocktail.
I thought that was a long island iced tea.
Do those have teenagers in them? No.
Then it isn't! Hi, Don.
How are ya doin'? I just need to talk to Tommy and Harry for a second.
Why is there a nonessential human in this house? It's just Don.
Officerdon.
Use your heads.
There's an officer of earth law in our headquarters! [Telephone ringing] Don: it's the phone.
Yeah, oh great.
Be a dear and get it, would you, Don? Thanks.
Bye now.
Ok, listen.
Any minute now, that door could open and in could walk the big giant head! The big giant head? The big giant head is here?! No! No! Ok.
Call me when he gets here.
That was the airline.
Airline? Yeah, you're expecting somebody? Well, they wound up in east Rutherford, new jersey, instead of Rutherford, Ohio.
[Squeals] Anyway, he's on a flight here now.
To the airport! Let's go! Do you see him yet? See who? We have no idea what kind of body he formed into.
This is so frustrating.
He could be any of these people.
So his head will be smaller? Yes, his head'll be smaller.
Dick, what are you doing? You can't be too careful.
I love you people! I love your airplane.
I love to fly.
Does it show? Look at this loser.
Hello! Is this any way to greet your supreme leader? Welcome, o great and glorious leader, whose presence in which we, your humble and insignificant subordinates are barely worthy of basking.
Right.
This is some body I picked out.
Pretty good, eh? Nice abs.
So, how was your trip, sir? Horrifying, at first.
I looked out the window, and I saw something on the wing of the plane.
The same thing happened to me! Anyway, to calm me down, they gave me something calledalcohol.
We never would have known.
Let's get on a flight to jersey and get another round.
No, no, you don't have to, sir.
That bar over there serves alcohol.
Hot diggity! I love this planet already.
How long are we gonna stand like this? Until he wakes up and sees the respect we're giving him, soldier.
Well, I hope it's soon, 'cause my deodorant's crapping out on me.
Ohmygod! What the hell happened? [All shouting] Good morning, sir! Ha! Who's that pounding on my head? I will find him and destroy him.
It's a limitation of these primitive bodies, sir.
It comes from too much alcohol.
Well, it's a design flaw! Fix it immediately! Yes, sir! Hello, hello, hello.
Who's this? Hi.
I'm Mamie Dubcek.
We met last night.
You were out in the bushes, and Sally was holding your head.
Yes, I ordered her to do that.
I chased away the cat.
I got you a mint.
The yelling will cease, or the killing will commence! Ah, I thought there'd be a hangover in the house today.
Here you go.
A little hair of the dog.
Has this got, uh, some of that alcohol? Well, it's a bloody Mary.
Ah-um! It's going to be a golden day.
Mrs.
Dubcek, this is my old friend stone.
Stone Phillips.
Like that guy on dateline? No.
Can I have another? Yes.
I'll be right back.
Good.
I think, sir, that you will find our mission to be in-- whoa! These feel good.
Those would be your legs, sir.
How nimble they are.
Yes, sir.
Now if I could direct your attention to the living quarters-- oh, that was fun! Yes, sir, very good.
I also admire your footwork, sir.
Oh, that is so much fun! Come on, everybody, join in.
Sir! With all due respect, I feel it is-- lieutenant! When you talk to me, straighten up.
May I commend you on the form you've taken? Thank you, sir! Dick? Sir! My stomach is making that noise again.
Get me something to fill it.
Yes, sir! Right away, sir! Sir, I have some ideas on how to increase the efficiency of the mission if you'd like to hear them.
What I'd like to hear is how you get around on those long earth legs of yours.
Excellent work.
Excellent, excellent.
I appreciate that, sir.
Would you like to kick me with them? Uhno, thank you, sir! Perhaps later? Fine! Sir! You two! You're going to bathe me.
[Both weakly] Yes, sir.
I call washing the top half.
Screw that.
What the hell have you been doing here all this time? Well, I've been working a lot on my relationship with Mary.
For 3 and a half years?! Establishing an emotional bond with a human is a huge accomplishment.
Most humans can't even achieve it.
Really? Dick, that's extremely underwhelming.
If you only understood how much I've actually achieved-- oh, I try to understand, and I've been sending you a lot of messages, but you have got no answer! Dick, why is this door locked?! Oh! Oh, good.
It's Mary! You'll see.
She accepts and trusts me completely.
Why the hell did you lock the door? Are you going through my stuff again? I love you, too, Mary.
Could you come over here? I'd like you to meet my old friend stone.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I don't like you.
Excuse me? Let's go.
I want something else to taste.
Is there such a thing as macaroni? Did he just say he didn't like me? Yes, but you just don't understand his crazy sense of humor.
He's a nut.
Why don't the three of us go out, have some macaroni and alcohol, and you can get to know Mary better.
If I have to.
But who's this delicious mocha number? Excuse me? I love the round part at the top of the legs.
Oh, yeah? Well, what do you think of my hand? These are fun, too! Ok.
Let's get going! Par-Tay! Orange you glad I didn't say banana? I don't get it.
Mary can explain it to you.
I--I Harry, I'm gonna need and a couple of more knock-Knock jokes.
Dick, listen.
You have got to calm down.
Calm down? Do you want him to banish us into space in one of those big flat mirror things like in superman ii? Dick, that's not real.
It looked real.
So, stone quite a little lady I got here, huh? I see no glaring defects.
Well, I do have this crooked earlobe.
Oh, my god.
That's disgusting.
I was joking! Now it's all I can see! Dick? Ooh! Now look what you've done! The man is a jackass! Why do you want to impress him? I'm not trying to impress him.
Look, we'll get you a nice floppy hat for that.
Yeah, when you do, give me a call! Mary! But, Mary! Hello, there.
May I join you? Have a seat.
These are mine.
Get our own.
Hi, Harry.
There you are.
Oh, hi, Vicki.
Harry, is something wrong? It feels like you've been avoiding me.
Oh, no.
Harry! Harry Solomon, do you or do you not wanna be the father of my baby? Look, Vicki, it's just a really big responsibility, and I feel like I have to think about my career first.
Baby, you do not have a career! And yet you expect me to provide for a baby.
Oh, what, are you gonna have a career? Yeah! Ok, now that's just hurtful.
You know that I'm not designed to live in your 9-to-5 world.
Oh, baby.
The world is such a mess, what with the craziness in Texas and AfricaCanadians and their whole thing.
Let's just give it a week, see if things clear up.
Harry Solomon I do not even know you! [All singing] Get me some drinks.
Yes, sir! Hey, Dick.
Rough night here tonight, huh? Why would you say that? Well, there've been some complaints.
Public urination, verbal harassment, lewdness and more public urination.
It could be anybody here, Don.
Well, I'm kinda bettin' it's that guy.
Kick! Kick! Higher! As though your life depended on it! Higher! Go! Uh, Don, I'd like you to meet my old friend stone.
Friend, huh? Well, listen, friend, Rutherford is a clean town, and it's shenanigans such as yours that are gonna dash our hopes of landing the 20-aught-8 summer Olympics! Would you lean a little closer? Your breath smells of chili fries.
Can't you just give stone a little break? It's kind of important to me.
That's a no-can-do, Dick.
The law's the law, and it bends for no man.
Please, Don.
For old time's sake? It sure would mean a whole bunch to me.
Sally! Ok.
But tell him to stop whizzing in front of the lady folk.
Ok.
It's my pet peeve.
I know, sweetie.
I will.
Thanks.
Thanks, Don.
Hello.
Well, hi, there.
I'm a rocket man, you know.
Really? Can I help you jettison your pants? I kill you! Sally: hey! No one violates the big giant-- area around stone without going through me first.
Is that understood? Yeah, Ok.
Lieutenant, well done.
Thank you.
I like the cut of your jib.
Well, I've been working on my jib.
Dick disappoints me.
I find him disappointing.
I'm issuing a big giant directive.
Lieutenant, you are now officially the new high commander of this mission.
Oh, my god.
A toast! A toast! A toast to my new high commander.
All: to your new high commander! Huh?!