3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick's Big Giant Headache (2)

DickDickDick.
[Yelping] Dick, wake up! Wake up, Dick! Wha--ooh! Wha--Wha? Oh! Oh, Sally! Thank god! I had the most horrible nightmare! I dreamt that the big giant head came to earth! And he was an obnoxious, loudmouthed boob, andand he made you high commander, and and then I was eating a giant marshmallow and oh, my god! Where's my pillow?! Dick.
Get ahold of yourself, Ok? Look.
It wasn't a dream.
He did make me high commander.
And my pillow? He, uhhe confiscated all our pillows for himself.
Oh, my god.
Then it's true.
Sally, get me some coffee.
Dick [Chuckles] I'm not getting you anything anymore.
You work under me now, and you're just gonna have to get used to it.
Oh, great! Now, get up and get dressed.
No.
That's an order! An order? "High commander Sally.
" That sounds real impressive.
Rally 'round, troops.
High commander Sally wants to go to the mall.
Did it ever occur to you that I might actually deserve this promotion? Of course it didn't! Uh, sir permission to-- Dick.
What is this? It--it's called a soap opera, sir.
Mmm.
What are they doing? They're having sex.
Sir, if--if I may-- I want to do that.
I want to do what drake is doing to Amanda's sister.
Sir, I'll-- I'll call some people.
But, sir, if I might, how could you make Sally the high commander? I'm the high commander.
Well, not anymore.
Then what am I? I don't know.
How does "lieutenant" sound? Awful! That's right.
It doesn't have much of a ring to it, does it? Let's see.
Let's make you thetransmitter.
"Transmitter Dick.
" Now, that sounds kind of jazzy.
ButI--I can't be transmitter.
Harry's the transmitter.
Fine.
Then you'll be his assistant.
But--but--but-- no.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Don't thank me.
Wait.
I've changed my mind.
Thank me.
Ok, Tommy.
Now, the thing about a cummerbund is that not only is it a nice accent to your ensemble, but you can also hide your stash in it.
I'm not hiding a stash in it.
Oh.
Well, you know, that's a good idea.
You ought to hold it.
They never search the girl.
That's just great.
I was worried about that, too.
I'm leaving.
Ha ha ha ha ha! She is the sweetest thing.
You be good to her, Tommy.
This is the most important night of her life.
What about her wedding? Ah! Weddings come and go.
But a girl only has one junior prom.
Of course some girls have none.
Hello, Vicki.
Excuse me.
Tommy, did you hear anything? 'Cause I most certainly did not! [Sobbing loudly] Ah.
Good afternoon, Dick.
High commander.
Look, II just want to say I I completely accept your new position and only hope that you will treat me with the same consideration and respect that I, as high commander, showed you.
Of course.
Get out of my chair.
Sally, I need someone to drive me to get my corsage at 3:00.
No problem.
Dick, drive him.
Yes, sir.
Thanks.
Dick, get out of my chair.
Uh, but-- move! Dick, get out of my chair.
Good afternoon.
All: good afternoon, sir! At ease, at ease.
Well well.
What's going on? We were just discussing Tommy's prom tomorrow night, sir.
Oh.
What is this "prom"? Uh, prom.
It's, um it's a party.
A party! I'm down.
Count me in.
That'd be great, sir, but it's only for teenagers.
Well, he could go as your chaperone.
Or he could not.
Chaperone, chaperone.
I kinda like the sound of that.
Chaperone.
Dick, get out of that chair.
Yes, sir! Right away, sir! You, um want to sit down, sir? No.
Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Dick.
This happens to all men at some point in their life.
It does? Sure.
At least, I think so.
I wouldn't really know.
I've been batting kind of a thousand up until now.
[Groaning] Oh, Dick, what's wrong? Ohhh I don't know.
Ever since stone got here-- oh, enough about stone! I knew his type back in college.
Big man on campus.
But you look past that flashy smile, sleep with him a couple of times, do kinky things you never thought you'd do, and then try for days to get him to answer the phone.
Then you see the real him.
This isn't really the pep talk I was hoping for.
Oh, Vicki, I love ya.
Can you ever forgive me? Aah! I just came in to steal one of Vicki's cigs.
So what's new? Oh, you know.
Same old same old.
You wanted the cable hooked up in here? Yeah.
Right over there, honey.
Hey.
Oh, good.
Stone.
Look-- oh.
If it isn't crooked ear.
Right.
Uh, you know, I--I know you and Dick go back-- you have a very pretty mouth.
It moves a lot, but it's very pretty.
Ok.
You know, ever since you got here-- I--I can't help but notice that you're a woman.
And as such, I'd really like to have a go at the sex thing with you.
Sowhy don't we find a pair of earmuffs and retire to the bedroom? No, I--I don't think so.
Ah.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god! I know, and I'm still just getting the hang of it.
You pig! No, no! Wait! Wait! Wait! The bedroom's this way! Oh, man! This shirt doesn't have any buttons! What a ripoff! Why don't you try using some of these little black things? Harry, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Go get me a stapler.
You know, you cannot order Harry around like that anymore, Dick.
He outranks you now.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
I have too much cellulite on my ass to be a high commander.
Yeah, Dick.
Maybe if you put on a wonder bra, you could get your job back.
Are you guys insinuating that I got this job because of the way I look? Who's insinuating? We're saying it right to your face.
Yeah.
This is so typical! When a woman with a body like this gets a promotion, everybody questions it.
But if it were a man with a body like this, there wouldn't be any question! Ah.
Sir.
As per my duties as high commander, I have completed the daily status report.
If you'll notice, I've organized it chronologically and not as my predecessor used to do, uh, inlimerick form.
Excellent work.
Excellent work! But you didn't even look at it.
Didn't have to.
I like what I'm looking at right now.
What are you saying? I'm saying vah-vah.
Oh, my god.
I didn't want to believe it, but it's true.
You didn't promote me on my merits.
No, ma'am.
Oh, god.
But don't get me wrong.
I promoted you because I thought you'd be the best possible candidate to give me pleasure.
Ok.
I'll give you pleasure, you steaming pile of alien-- that's right! Talk dirty! Hey.
I got a limo outside for Tommy Solomon.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Hold that thought.
Shotgun! You look really pretty tonight, Alissa.
Thank you.
Yah-ha! Tommy, I just have a question.
Yeah.
Who is this man, and what's he doing here ruining my life? Yaaahhh! Whoo-hoo! Ha-- [Choking] I think I swallowed a bug.
[Romantic music plays] Excuse me, sir.
I would just love it if you wouldn't play grab- ass with my typing teacher.
I would love it if you'd keep in mind which one of us is your supreme leader.
Get--shh! All right.
Give her my love there big boy.
Tommy.
You're spending more time with your dad's friend than with me.
Yeah.
Well, you have to understand.
It's his first prom.
Mine, too! Right.
Exactly.
See that? Hey, kids.
Have you seen anything illegal goin' down? You know, smoking, drinking? No.
Oh.
Come on, cats.
Old Donny's no square.
I'm totally down with your awesome scene.
Now, uh which one of these kids is dancin' with Lucy in the sky with diamonds? Hey, guys.
Hi, Vicki.
What are you doin' here? Well, I was just sittin' at home--hi-- I was just sittin' at home feelin' lonesome, and I thought, hey, what the hell? It's never too late to go to your junior prom.
Ha ha ha ha! I'm not sure that's true.
[Sobbing] Dick.
Hello, Mary.
Is stone around? No.
Good.
Because I have a little news flash about your friend.
This afternoon, he grabbed me and kissed me! What?! Oh, Dick, I know how this must make you feel.
Oh, but this is wonderful! What?! Stone likes you! This reflects beautifully on me! Dick, another man put his tongue in my mouth! Tongue! Yes! How can this be a good thing? Mary, don't you see?! He's given you his seal of approval! Why do you care what he thinks? The only thing that matters is what you and I think.
Tell me, Mary what do you think? I think you're way too smart and handsome and sexy to waste a second of your time worrying about that braying jackass.
Mary what?! I think my little problem is gone.
Yehh-haww! Tommy, your weird friend is ruining the prom.
Which one? He's in the lead.
So sorry, Alissa.
I know I'm screwin' this whole night up for you, and you're gonna probably end up back here in 20 years like Vicki.
It'll be all my fault.
Tommy, it's bad, but it's not that bad.
The point is that we're here together, and that makes me happy.
Really? Really.
Whoops! I'll get some napkins.
[Drumroll] Ok, everybody, it's that time! And now the king and queen of the junior prom Tommy Solomon and Alissa Strudwick! Ohh! Ohh! Oh, my god! We won! Ohh! Oh, thank you so much! Ohhh this is so beautiful! [Band plays] Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near oh, my god.
It's like he's singin' just for me.
Close to you why do stars fall down from the sky every time you walk by? Oh, dear, just like me they want to be close to you [Whispering] Oh, stone you know, this is how I always imagined my prom night would be.
I--I was--I was in a bad, bad place, stone, but you've you've reawakened the woman in me.
Let's go to my place.
No.
Not the Solomons'.
No, no, no.
My place.
The view is [Chuckles] Unbelievable.
Take me there.
You know, for the first time in days, I actually feel good about myself.
I don't need a fancy title to have self-respect.
I have love.
You know, we got a little dried-up jelly by the stove here, Dick.
On it.
Let's just get this settled once and for all.
You know what? Maybe my body got my foot in this door, but you guys know that I deserve this job regardless.
Yeah, whatever.
Tommy: sure.
Shut up! Hey, y'all.
Hey, Vicki.
Hey, Vicki.
That was some prom there.
Oh, yeah, it was gr-- it was weird.
Weird? Well I was with stone ahh! You were with-- stone? Uh, what happened with stone? Well, it just doesn't make any sense.
All I remember is I'm lookin' down on the earth from way high up, and there were these pulsating lights and thisthis noise, this skee-bee-Dee-beep-beep.
Skee-Bee-Dee-beep-beep.
Skee-bee-Dee-beep-beep.
Skee-Bee-Dee-beep-beep.
Andstone was there, and that was nice.
But the next thing I knew, I woke up in my own bed, and I don't have a clue how I got there.
Do you think I might be goin' crazy? Yes.
Yes, you are going crazy.
That is a shame.
Yeah.
My advice is forget about it, don't tell anyone, and pretend you're well.
Yeah.
Um, do y'all have any deviled eggs, the kind with the relish in 'em ? I've got this massive craving.
You know what? I think we have some of those in the living room.
Let's go, guys! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, my god.
He took her up to his bachelor pod.
That skunk! Takin' advantage of my innocent little Vicki? He is seriously out of control.
All right.
As high commander, I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna tell him what's what.
Good morning, sir.
With all due respect you cannot just go around abducting humans.
Yes, I can.
Well, Ok.
But, uh there are plenty of places on earth to do what you two did.
I know.
But I wanted to be really loud.
You know, you four haven't done this planet justice in your reports.
It'sinfectious! Idon't want to leave! In fact, I've decided to make this place our new base of operation.
You have? Yes.
I've hired an architect.
We're gonna go up and out! I'm never leaving! Vicki: stone! I--I don't-- I don't understand this, but I I think I might bepregnant.
Aah! Well, look at the time.
I gotta get going.
Whoo! Yes, indeed.
I've got to get going.
Home for me! I'm late! What are you doin'?! I don't know.
I'm suddenly overcome with a desire to flee.
Sir! Please! Sir! I hereby upgrade your evaluation to substandard.
Keep up the good work.
Uh, uh, proceed boldly and with stealth.
Shwehhw! Whatever.
I don't know.
Ok.
All right.
We got a big situation here.
But we got time.
We got 9 months, so we can-- you guyswe got a little problem here.
Well, 10 minutes ago, these pants fit great.
And now--now I can't even zip 'em up.
They-- they cost me $40.
Hello! Mary! Mary, it's so good to see you! Well, till tomorrow, then.
Sleep well.
I just got here! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohhohh ohhoh.
Oh.
Wait.
Yeah.
Oh, my god, Vicki, look at you! She's put on a few pounds.
Sally: yeah.
You know, she loves her tacos, so you look like you're Yeah! Duh! Where have you been? I had no idea! I mean, this is so-- Harry, congratulations! Oh.
Why, uh I do not need this my first week as high commander.
I do not need this! What're we Donna do? All right.
All right.
First things first.
We minimize contact.
Dick, you gotta get Mary outta here.
Take her to one of those really long foreign films she pretends to like.
Ok? Tommy, call the hospital.
Tell 'em there's an incoming.
Harry, you go run to the bathroom.
I don't want to have to stop on the way.
Now, go! Nice work, high commander.
Thank you.
For a beginner, I mean.
Thanks.
[Chuckles] Of course, there were no alien impregnations on my watch-- yeah, I get it, Dick.
Umdoc-- Dr.
Albright it would mean a great deal to me if you would deliver my child into this world.
What? Well, you're the only doctor I trust.
OhVicki, I-- I'm not that kind of doctor.
Oh.
I see.
Just because I do not have insurance means I'm not a human being.
No.
No.
I--I can't deliver your baby.
But I'll be there for you.
Oh, well, now, that's good, 'cause I believe my water just broke! Dick, get in here! We've got to take Vicki to the hospital! The baby's coming! [Sally breathes nervously] What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? You're the high commander.
Give us an order! Chase them? Let's go! You're gonna be Ok, honey.
Oh, god, Harry, I can feel it! I can feel it coming! Just relax.
Breathe deeply.
You're doing great.
I can see the head.
Boy, is that a big head! [All screaming] is Dick in? Haven't seen him.
Why? Well, his friend stone left this at the prom last night.
I think he was spikin' the punch.
What makes you think that? Well, I, uhwoke up on the football field when the sprinklers came on.
Well, I'll be sure to tell him when he-- uh--uh where's my evidence? I don't know! Jeez! This happens to me all the time! Guns, drugsI even lost a whole dead guy once.