3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Episode I: the Baby Menace (3)

Previously on "3rd rock from the sun" to reevaluate your mission, the big giant head is on his way to earth! Lieutenant, you are now officially the new high commander.
You've reawakened the woman in me.
I think I might be pregnant.
Aah! Whoa, look at the time.
I gotta get going.
Come on, Vicki, push.
I--I can't.
Yes, you can.
Push! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Maybe it doesn't wanna come out! Let's not rush things, Ok? Here, let me just slide that right back in there for ya.
[Hoarsely] You touch me you die! [Snarls] One more push, Vicki.
[Grunts] Unh! Ah! Push here it comes! Aah! There we are! Oh aah! Uh--uh-- I mean, ah ah please let it be human.
Let it be human.
Sit down.
You can't tell me what to do.
Oh, yes, I can.
The big giant head made me high commander.
Oh, right.
A drunken lout from a distant galaxy got an eyeful of your righteous jugs and promoted you.
You know, that's funny.
As I recall, he promoted me because your leadership was a debacle! Dick: he was totally wasted-- he's our supreme leader, and-- hey, hey.
We're disturbing all these people here.
We're only human.
He's my brother.
We fight! I'm all right.
I'm all right.
What happened, Harry? Itcameout! Is it a purple tube? Well, it's purple, and it's slimy, and it's got a hose.
A hose?! A hose?! Oh, great.
It's a mutant! All right.
We'll kidnap him and hide him.
When he's a teenager, we'll set him free.
Then if he's really messed up, we can blame it on television.
They just brought him to the nursery.
He is positively glowing! Oh! Ah now he's glowin'.
Let's go see him! He's got Vicki's eyes! What's he doing with Vicki's eyes? I just hope he's not eating them.
Let's go! Which one is he? It must be him.
He's hideous.
That's my daughter.
Oh, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
She's hideous.
Oh, that's him right there! [Gasps] Dick: oh, my god! Sally: look at it.
Tommy: it's so cute! Vicki's baby is Ababy! [Cheers] Thank you! Ah ha ha! Yeah, that's right.
Last name Dubcek.
First name Victoria.
Oh, yeah, no, the baby's right here.
Yeah, his name is Eric Travis.
Yeah! All right, well, when he gets back from lunch, just tell him that I was implanted by alien seed.
[Shrilly] Oh! Yeah.
And I am now the mother of a hybrid alien race.
Thanks a lot, hon.
Wrong number? No, Harry, I was trying to talk to a reporter.
Oh, really? I think he's gonna be mighty interested in my tale of alien conception.
Oh, ho.
Alien conception.
Ha ha ha! I'm goin' to the store.
You need anything? Oh, baby, I would love another carton of cigarettes.
Smokin' for two now.
Ok, how does this sound? "Born to Victoria Marie Dubcek, a healthy, totally human son.
" Well, add illegitimate.
I think she'd appreciate that.
That's a nice touch.
Hey, Sally, what's for dinner? I'm starving.
I don't make dinner.
I'm the high commander.
I have bigger fish to fry.
If it's bigger than sea bass, I won't eat it.
You guys, I'm not cooking, Ok? I mean, I can't be distracted by household chores.
I think the high commander has a point.
Both: thank you! Hey, Harry, where you been? Oh, at the hospital.
How's Vicki? Oh, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud-proud- proud-Proud-proud.
Callin' up everybody and telling 'em all about little Eric Travis.
That is nice.
Hey! I got an idea! Just a what if.
You know how we're always saying that we should tell everybody that we're aliens? We never say that.
Right! So if we bump into, oh, I don't know, say a reporter-- and we've got this cute little baby with its proud alien heritage-- I mean, think about it! Everybody loves babies nowadays.
I mean, what better time for us to come clean about who we really are? Are you insane? Where did you get such a stupid idea? Ha ha! I don't know.
[Knock on door] Come in! Door's open! Hello.
I'm looking for a, uh Victoria Dubcek? I'm ken fretts of the "world globe.
" I got a call from this Dubcek lady about an alien baby? Family meeting.
Family meeting! We have a problem here.
No, no, no.
We're fine.
We all saw it.
It's human.
It's not a threat.
Well, maybe it isn't.
But Vicki remembers being in the spaceship! If he talks to her, we're screwed! This guy's no idiot.
He works for the "world globe!" These guys don't quit till they get their story.
Did you see the pictures of that man with the 50-pound wart? Shots like that just don't fall into your lap! Uh, look, could you just give her my card? Tell her I'll come back tomorrow.
Have a nice day.
All right.
I've got a great plan.
I have a brilliant plan.
We all hide somewhere until this whole thing blows over.
Damn it! What? That is a brilliant plan.
[Car chase, tires screech] [Shouts] Yeah! Dr.
Davies told me about the meeting, but this is not a good time! Hold on.
Can you turn that down?! [Turns off television] Don't you have a phone at home? I'll call you back.
How long are you guys going to be living here? Well, why? You're not thinking about moving in, are ya? Why is there laundry hanging in the hallway? Because you don't put rayon in the dryer.
Tommy: hey! I'm naked here! All right.
I'm taking a personal day.
[Knock knock knock] Hello! How did you find us? I found this note on your door.
"Dear friends, Mormons, "and Jehovah's witnesses.
"We are now living in huff hall "at Pendleton university.
Please don't tell any reporters where we are"? Does anybody have any info on this Dubcek baby? Anybody seen it? All: no.
[All mumbling] Is something going on with the baby? No, Mary! It's the first baby of the millennium! And people like to make a fuss.
The millennium's months away.
That's not for you to decide, Mary.
Look, I just have one or two questions-- me, too! Who wants ice cream, and who wants it now?! All: I do! I do! Ok.
This guy is good.
What are we gonna do? Ok, I have a plan.
No, I have a plan! Damn it, Sally, I have a plan! Ok, Ok, Ok.
Call it in the air.
Quarter it is.
Dick, you go first.
Ok, look.
He's got no baby, he's got no story.
We go to the hospital, steal the baby, and destroy the records.
Sally, your turn? That--that's what I was gonna say.
Is this him? Uh, n-too beefy.
How 'bout this guy? Uh, yeah.
Little less Chinese, maybe.
Mama, what are ya doin'? He's too hot in that blanket.
He is not! You sure do know all there is to know about raising babies, don't you? That's him! Wait-- anyone remember where these things go? Well, we know the ugly one goes in the corner-- does it really matter? I mean they can sort it out later with the Dna.
Sally: I don't know-- hi, Don! We found some babies! Don, those babies were completely disorganized.
Which is why we were alphabeticizing them.
Come on, Don.
Look me straight in the eye and tell me that you would not have done the same thing! Well, I--I guess I can see-- no! Sally, I can only get you out of so many jams! Juggling newborns is against the law! Are you sure? Juggling newborns.
So what are you gonna do, arrest me? Sally, I did arrest you.
Why? Juggling newborns! I get outta here! It's Morley freakin' safer! So wha--what are you doing here? Oh, my car got towed.
I was parked in an ambulance zone waiting for that Dubcek lady to check out.
Ah, well.
Good luck.
Say, you're not trying to hide her from me, are you? We're not gonna tell you anything about Vicki Dubcek.
Who's Vicki Dubcek? Vicki who? What? Who said that? I dunno.
Wait! Shh! I think it's coming from outside.
Let's check it out! Could I-- All: shh! Shh! Shh! All: run! A military unit can only succeed if it follows a single leader.
It hasuntil now been my privilege to be that leader.
But today, Sally, I pass that baton to you.
You mean the baton I've had for 3 days? Yes, that baton.
Ok, then.
I cannot be both security officer and high commander.
Therefore, the job of security officer falls to you, Dick.
Security officer? That's a girly job! That's an order! Fine.
All right! I have a new plan! We just stay calm and we disassociate ourselves from Vicki.
Got it.
Stay away from Vicki.
No Vicki.
No Vicki.
No Vicki.
No Vicki.
No-o-o Vicki.
No Vicki.
Hello, Vicki.
Security! Eh--oh! What are you doing here? Well, since my mother insists on telling me how to raise my own baby, I've just decided to move in with y'all.
Vicki, this is our home.
True, we rent from your slattern mother, the town siphon, but that does not entitle you to impose yourself on [Gibberish] We'll be leaving now! Look, Vicki, I-If it's just-- it's not a really good ah! That's how they work! Yeah, you know, breast feeding is the most beautiful, natural thing a woman can do.
I guess you wouldn't know that, would you? You bein' childless.
I had the opportunity.
I just chose to put my career first, Ok? Look, Vicki, this is just not a good time for us to have houseguests.
Honey, I'm not gonna be here that long.
I've gotta hang around long enough to talk to this reporter associate of mine, then I'll probably do the talk show circuit just me and Eric Travis my little E.
Ahem! A little adjust to our plans.
It looks like we're stuck with Vicki, so, Dick, you're gonna have to take out the reporter.
Dinner and a movie, but I won't kiss him.
I meant kill him.
Kill him? Wha-- I can't do that! It's wrong! Do it! That's an order! Oh, all right.
Orders are orders.
Yeah, I'll kill him.
I'll kill him good! Can't I just give him my patented glare? It's really scary.
Kill him.
Thank you for, uh, coming by.
So you've got the inside story on this Dubcek baby? Oh, we'll have plenty of time for that.
But first I thought you might join me in a, uh a glass of brandy.
No, thanks.
I'm driving.
Oh, this is special driving brandy.
Just try a sip.
You look thirsty.
Why don't you drink both? No, thanks! Sotell me how you got started in journalism.
Oh, I was working as a freelance photographer in phoenix.
Just so happened a movie was being shot.
It was one of the Baldwin brothers.
It was--what's that? This is a, uh a poker.
There's a fireplace in this office, and this poker is proof.
Your story fascinates me.
Which Baldwin brother was it? I dunno.
It wasn't the famous one, the one who married the blonde.
Not the one who hit the photographer, thank god.
But I got a picture of him.
Sold it to one of those slick magazines-- what the hell are you doing?! Ok, scoop! I'm gonna level with you.
You've gotta leave town.
What?! Look, there's no time for games.
Here is$32 and a chicken delicious coupon.
Don't look back.
Well, I did it.
I have a man's head in this box which I will now go feed to the fishes.
Good work.
Let's have a look at it.
Very well.
But I must warn you it's not pretty.
Ooh! Eeh! Oh, I gave it to him.
I gave it to him good, I did.
I'm proud of you, Dick.
I didn't think you had it in ya.
Yeah, well killers kill.
Ok, where's the Dubcek kid? Oh, my god! Then whose head is in that box?! This is a wig on a cake.
Well, it was going to be a surprise, buthappy birthday, Sally! I'll get some plates and a comb! Don't let him leave.
You disobeyed orders, mister! I couldn't do it! Fine.
I'll kill him myself.
You can't kill him.
You're the high commander.
So? High commanders are forbidden to kill.
They're considered upper management.
I hereby make myself security officer.
So you're security officer and high commander? Ok.
You're high commander.
I'm gonna go kill that guy.
Got it.
Oh, and by the way, my first order as high commander is that you shall not kill that reporter.
Then I make myself high commander again-- uh, uh, uh.
Can't do that, lieutenant.
Ohhhhh! You had this planned all along! That's why I'm high commander.
And, no, I didn't! It just kind of happened! Guys! Vicki's here.
She's talking to the reporter! This is it? This is the alien baby? Yeah.
You didn't even give him any little pointy ears? Paint him green, slap a tail on him? I don't understand what you're talking-- do you even read our newspaper? I--I most certainly do! And my story is-- oh, I know your story.
You met a guy.
You were beamed up.
You got probed.
Oh--and don't tell me.
There was alcohol involved.
All right.
Who told him my story? Tch! Everybody in the world's told me that story.
Your baby's not special.
I see.
I think that you're gonna be singing a different tune when he becomes your supreme overlord.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry.
I just didn't think it was a very good story.
You're right.
We tried tellin' her.
I, for one, am shocked--shocked-- that a paper of such high journalistic standards, a paper that had the cojones to tell the world about cocoa, the rhyming bison can't see a great story when it's right under your noses! All: Dick! On the other hand, perhaps you know best.
Did cocoa get that scholarship? Oh, Vicki, I wish you didn't have to leave.
Oh, Harry I cannot stay in this place.
I must leave here.
You see, my star child and I are drawn to a place of comfort and spiritual balance a place where we can live out our celestial destiny.
And where's that, Vicki? Orlando.
I will miss you.
Harry, I'm gonna miss you, too.
But I'll be back.
I promise.
Vicki? Yes, Harry? You forgot your baby.
Oh, boy.
Ha ha ha! Sure did.
Ha ha ha! Sorry 'bout that.
It's amazing.
After all these years, we've actually played a part in bringing a new life onto this planet.
This kid is gonna have so much that we never had.
He'll actually grow up here.
He won't make all the mistakes we made.
We didn't make a lot of mistakes.
What are you talking about? Do you remember the time that we thought the phone was a fire alarm and any time someone called, we'd run outside in our underpants? Or what about the time we tried to bust open the television set because we wanted to meet the jeffersons? Yeah, yeah, yeah! But Dick stopped us 'cause he didn't want the Flintstones to escape! Our modern world would have terrified them.
They had cars.
They were very evolved.
[All talking at once]