3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick for Tat

Ahhh, isn't this great? Look at us.
An earth family sitting around together on a beautiful autumn evening, playing a nice, friendly game.
Yeah, a game called "sex or consequences.
" "The naughty, bawdy adult party game where everybody wants to be on top!" Whoopee.
Oh, come on, Sally.
You're not even trying.
Look how far you are from "the erogenous zone.
" Fine.
Ok.
"Lover or loser.
" That should be fun.
"With what celebrity would you be tempted to cheat on your mate?" Jon voight! Man, let her answer.
Say "Jon voight.
" I don't have a mate to cheat on, Ok? Uh-uh.
That sends you right back to "chastity corner.
" I'm done.
Tommy, will you please move her little metal buttocks back 5 spaces? Uh, excuse me.
Sally is the tongue.
I am the buttocks.
You think she's Ok? Sally? Sure.
She just gets this way sometimes since her painful breakup with Don.
Ha! Which one? Well, I hear that.
Tommy, your spin.
"swap partners and smooch"? Ooh.
Sexy! Hey! No, no, no! Dick, why don't you go play this with Dr.
Albright? Ok? Oh, fine.
But that's the last time I bring home a sexually explicit board game for this family! I hate that game.
You want to play strip Parcheesi? You're on! Oh, good morning, Dick.
Strudwick.
[Slurps] Must you slurp? Sorry.
It's a rich, delicious cappuccino.
I just made it.
So you have a cappuccino machine.
It's a gift from the chancellor just to acknowledge the success of my book.
Yes.
Your little pamphlet on physics.
It's going into its third printing.
Yep.
It's quite a machine.
It's got an auto-frother.
Oh, well, I prefer to froth manually.
Would you like me to make you a little Cappy, Dick? Oh, no, thank you, Strudwick.
I find that excessive caffeine tends to make one look puffy.
Like a jerk.
Ok.
We got one pastrami lasorda mm-mmm.
And one mozzarella Fitzgerald.
I don't get the names of these sandwiches.
Tommy, here's your hammy connick Jr.
Well, that one's obvious.
Look, it's piled high with ham and connick.
Yeah.
[Motorcycle engine shuts off] Don! Nice motorcycle, man! Shiny! Sally.
Been a while.
That is the most incredible machine I've ever seen.
You're looking at Rutherford P.
D.
's one and only hog.
I've been waiting get back on it.
Excuse me? Get back on it.
Oh, yeah.
Can I buy you a wrap? Ok.
Uhh uhh unbelievable.
Every hot mama in this place was checking him out.
What's the deal? Must be the machine.
Hot mamas love the machine.
Why? Why do the hot mamas care? I don't know.
But I'll tell you something, me little buddy, I'm gonna find out.
Hey! [Slurring] Straight to martini island! All right! Would you like me to shake it? Oh, please.
Mmmmm mmm! Ha ha.
This beats the scrap out of crabble.
Ahh, "naughty or nice.
" "What's the craziest thing you've ever done in bed?" Well there was the time I staged a reading of "Othello," and the role of Desdemona was played by a down comforter.
I'm not going to give you any spaces for that.
"Truth or dare.
" "Who was your last fling?" Oh that would have to be [Both laugh] Vincent Strudwick.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Strudwick! No! Yes! I'm back on martini island! You can set me up.
You can kiss my tiny pewter ass! Oh, I can't get his face out of my mind! Strudwick's? No, Nina.
Little Davey tennant, the boy down the block.
You see, ever since he was 3 years old, Davey's wanted more than anything to see a real professional baseball game.
He wished the biggest wish his little heart could muster.
But his dad was laid off and couldn't afford the tickets.
Well one day last week, little Davey was outside playing ball like he always does, and who should walk up the block, tall as a building, but home run king mark McGWIRE.
To see little Davey's eyes light up as McGWIRE handed him well, it's something that I will never forget.
Yes, Strudwick's face! Stop asking such stupid questions! Look, you knew about her past.
Yeah, but until last night, her past was--was faceless! Now it's got a face.
The fuzzy, smirking face of Vincent W.
Strudwick.
I am so hung over.
Ohh.
Well, Mary, that's just nature's way of telling you what a tramp you are.
What? Mary, did you fill out your form 8-As for your graduate-Level courses? I didn't think we needed those until next semester.
Strudwick: the bursar's office says we need them before midterms.
Oh, I'd better get on that.
Do you have any blank ones? Fresh out, but they've got them at the administration building.
Oh, I'll call Helen.
Oh, why don't you two just get a room?! I'll bring some by later.
What is your problem? Oh, my problem? So it's my problem that you had an affair with Strudwick.
Nina, how could you tell him?! You told him.
Oh, I told-- oh, I told him.
Oh, Dick, you've got to understand.
Vincent and Dottie were separated.
It was 7 years ago.
I didn't even know you then.
It's ancient history! Oh, ancient history? Ancient history is dead people-- pyramids, gladiators smiting lions, a bottle of milk for a nickel.
This is not ancient history! Oh, my god.
I can still smell him on you! Hey, I read this crazy statistic in the paper this morning.
Did you know that are sexually active? And 40% have inhaled solvents.
Really.
So, uh which crowd do you want to hang with? Are you suggesting that we have sex? Well, you-- or inhale solvents.
You know, it's really up to you.
I'm just trying to be a gentleman.
Well, the guys at the dealership wouldn't sell me a Harley.
They said I didn't have enough money.
Bummer.
Did they have something cheaper? Well, they had a Yamaha, but I didn't have enough money for that, either.
How much money do you have? I have no money.
You didn't plan this out very well, did you? No, sir, I did not.
Hello.
Something wrong? Yes, something's wrong, thanks to that mincing cretin Vincent Strudwick! Hey, that's my dad you're talking about.
Oh, I am so sorry, honey.
What was I thinking? Would you please leave so I can trash your father? But we-- get out! Dick! Tommy I don't know how to break this to you.
Oh, my god.
What is it? Try to stay calm.
Here it comes.
my beloved Mary had a torrid affair with Vincent Strudwick.
Oh, god.
I thought it was going to be something I cared about.
Hey, Dick.
Harry? There's no good way to hear something like this.
You might want to sit down.
Albright dorked Strudwick.
I almost sat down for that? The universe is out of balance.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Strudwick gets everything I deserve.
If it's not a cappuccino machine, it's a book deal.
If it's not a book deal, it's Mary.
If it's not Mary, it's a cappuccino machine.
Well, maybe you should even the score.
Yes.
Yes! I could sleep with Strudwick's wife! Well, I was thinking you could get a cappuccino machine.
Wait.
Dick, you're talking about sleeping with my girlfriend's mother? Uh-huh.
Don't you see? Alissa looks up to her mom.
If you do that, it'll undermine all of her morality, all of the values that she spent years trying to instill in Alissa.
That is so perfect! Pave the way for the little guy, Caligula! Hey, hey! What? We could take them out together! What could be cooler than double-dating with your dad?! Yes! Yeah! How fast will this baby go? You want to go faster, baby? Oh, yeah! Let's go faster, baby! You got it, baby! Aaah! Redline it, baby! Redline this hog! This is a hospital zone, baby.
Do it, baby! Do it! Pop a wheelie! Yeah! Aaaah! Sally: that's it, baby.
Taste the asphalt! [Doorbell rings] Hello, Alissa.
Tommy forgot his air freshener.
What? He was supposed to forget his book bag, but he forgot to forget it.
Oh, thank you, Dick.
Ok.
Bye.
Oh, uh as long as I'm here, is your father at home? No.
Is your mother at home? Yeah, but she's in the shower.
Oh.
In the shower.
Then my work is half done.
Aah! Ohhh! Hi, Dottie.
D-Dr.
Solomon? Oh, call me Dick.
Please, sit down.
What are you doing here? Let me explain.
You see, 7 years ago, your husband slept with my girlfriend Mary Albright? Vincent? Slept with Mary? Yeah, I know.
It's an outrage.
But let's address the situation like rational adults.
For the sake of both our relationships, you and I need to sleep together.
Agreed? I don't believe this.
Well, I know, but it's the only way.
Fortunately, we're both very attractive, so it needn't be an unpleasant experience.
Oh, I am going to get him! Now you're talking.
What say we climb back into that shower and get it on, huh? Hey, mom? Oh, my god! Uh, Alissa, please.
Your mother and I need to make love.
So, uh shall we leave these adults alone and adjourn to the jacuzzi? Ohhh! Ohhhh! Ohh.
What just went wrong here? I honestly don't know.
Doing Ok in there, Donny? Mmmm.
Boy, he don't look so good, do he? Down at the precinct, they're calling him the human scab.
Ok, how's my patient doing? What? You mean the skinless wonder? I'm referring to Don.
Or as we're calling him here Don tartare.
Ol' gravelback! How about the amazing colossal scab? I already had the human scab.
Yeah, that was good, too.
Mine's just a bit moreclever.
Sally: oh, Don! Don! Look at you! [Groans] That is Don, right? Yeah.
Oh, Don! How is it he looks like that, and you look like that? Well, you see, we were going into the skid, and, uh, I I just used Donny's body as a sled.
[Groans] Oh, god.
He was so heroic.
Now look at you.
All prone, helpless tied up.
See, it never fails.
Babes love guys on machines.
Well, that's good for Don, 'cause he's gonna be hooked up to that mechanical bladder for quite a while.
I think it's sexy.
Have you gotten Dottie Strudwick on the phone? She keeps hanging up.
Please clean up your phone manners, Nina.
I'm trying to sleep with this woman.
You're having me call so you can sleep with her? Oh, Nina.
You're right--that is so impersonal.
I'll bring her flowers and candy.
No, no! Just flowers.
I don't want her fat.
What's the rush? Oh, I'm off to the florist, then sex with Dottie Strudwick, then, hey, what say I swing by and pick you up for a celebratory dinner at Mario's, huh? Lovely.
I don't know how the hell he thinks he's gonna get a reservation at Mario's-- Nina, what did he just say? He's going to the florist.
No, no, no, no.
After that, but before Mario's? Strudwick's.
Oh, my god! Dottie.
Dottie? Are you home? The door was open! Dick: Dottie? Are you home? The door was open! Mary, what are you doing here? I came here to stop you from doing something completely irrational.
Mary, please.
It's perfectly rational.
I'm evening the score with Strudwick.
It doesn't even involve you.
What?! Oh, god.
Now I've got to explain things to Dottie.
Oh, no, don't.
I want to keep her mad.
Anger breeds revenge.
Strudwick: Dottie? Dottie? Honey, the front door was wide open-- Dick.
Mary.
What the hell is going on? What are you doing here, Strudwick? This is my master suite.
Why the hell are you here? I'm trying to stop Mary from talking to your wife! About what? Oh, like you don't know.
Oh, my god.
No, no.
She's got to understand that what happened between us was a mistake.
I didn't know it was a trial separation.
Mary, what are you thinking? What is going on out here? Hi, pumpkin.
Pumpkin?! Who are you calling pumpkin? Should I turn off the jets, Dottie? Dottie, what is our pool guy doing here? Oh, my god! You have a pool?! It's all out in the open, Vincent.
You and your dirty little secret.
We were separated.
It was a trial separation! I did not know that at the time.
Oh! Oh, for god's sake, Dottie I'll get dressed.
What a ripoff.
Look what you've done.
Oh, me? You're the one who had the fling with a married Strudwick and then got drunk and blabbed all about it.
Ok Dick, you've got to understand.
I had a life before I met you.
But I didn't.
I feel like my life on earth started when I met you.
You're the only thing that's been mine and mine alone.
In the "Mary" column, it's always been Dick, one, Strudwick, zero.
And now it's a tie.
Well, if it would make you feel any better, you've been to the plate a hell of a lot more times than he has.
Oh, Mary.
Oh, Dick.
Now let's go to Mario's.
Dick? I'll meet you there.
I'm gonna go pee in his pool.
Dick! Don.
Ohhh! Sally.
What are you doing here? I had to come.
We've been apart too long.
I must be with you.
I don't have any skin.
Ow! I can't resist you any longer.
Ohhh! Shh! I'll be gentle.
Aaaah! Oooh! Ohhh! Oh.
Ah.
So, Tommy, how did Alissa take all this? Well, she kicked me very hard in the, uh, swimsuit area.
Oooh.
Oooh.
But that counts as second base action, right? Well, in my book it does.
You know, these Terry-Go-rounds are really comfortable.
Yeah, they really are.
It's the towel that wears like a pants.
Hmmm.
Hmmm.
Hey, Dick, you feeling any better? Ohh, a little.
But, you know, there's still an empty space on my scorecard.
Everyone else in the game everyone but me has gotten some forbidden nookie.
What's up with that? Hon, I think it's time to let it go.
Oh, you're right.
The past is past.
Time only moves in one direction on this planet.
I just have to move on.
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't let it go! [Doorbell rings] Hello.
You don't know me, but my girlfriend's ex-Lover's wife slept with your husband.
Excuse me? Ok, that's not important.
What's important is that the universe is out of balance, and the only way for us to bring some measure of justice to the world is for you and me to make love.
Man: what's going on there, Carmen? Hi, Dick.
Nooooooo!