3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dial M for Dick

Good morning.
Nina, what are you doing this weekend? I don't know, I may have plans.
Why? Well, I have tickets to the Cherrywood manor mystery weekend.
You know, it's one of those interactive theatrical experiences.
Yes, I have plans.
Oh, come on, Nina.
It'll be fun.
It's like a party.
The guests mingle with the actors while sipping merlot and eating hors d'oeuvres, and then a murder is staged, and we amateur sleuths have to try and solve it.
I'll go, if you can guarantee I'll be the first one murdered.
But the food's really good.
Are you talking about Staley's, because their onion loaf is to die for.
No, I am talking about the Cherrywood mystery weekend.
The Cherrywood mystery weekend? You know, it's one of those old fashioned whodunits with food and wine? Oh, one of those.
Would your family like to come? I hear they put on a great show.
There's a show? We all love a good show.
So you'll come? Well, I don't know.
Everybody's sort of busy.
I mean, if you had told us earlier, or if it were free-- it's my treat.
All right, we're in! Now, let me get this straight, colonel Pinkham, you stopped a charging rhino with nothing more than a stare, and then actually wrestled it to it's death? That's exactly what I did.
Let me shake your hand.
Having fun, sweetheart? Oh, I'm having a wonderful time.
Mary, I'd like you to meet colonel Pinkham.
He, he was just telling me about his last hunting trip.
Oh, don't tell me, let me guess.
On the plains of the Serengeti? Oh, you bagged yourself a smart one there, Dick.
Excuse me.
Oh, by the way, good luck.
Good luck to you, Pinkham.
You know, what a remarkable character.
Oh, yeah, he's good.
I saw him last year in man of la mancha at theater on the pier.
A big game hunter and an actor? My god.
He's a renaissance man.
Did you see the size of those prawns? Thanks.
Yeah, I just want one more.
So, uh, how long before the show, Dick? Oh, I hope it's not for a while.
I'm meeting the most fascinating people, Harry.
Dick, what kind of a weird-Ass party is this? Everyone I talk to, they want to tell me their whole life story, and then, they want to tell me secrets about the other guests.
Yeah, yeah, and that guy, chip caswell, he keeps telling me about how much he hates this old dude with the young wife, and you know what? He wears makeup.
You know what your problem is? For the first time, you find yourselves in a civilized social situation where you have to match wits with intellectuals and bon vivants, and you crumble.
I, on the other hand, flourish.
Another drink, colonel? Don't mind if I do.
[Laughs] [Laughs] Mary, you haven't touched your twice-baked cheddar chive potato.
Can I have it? I--I'm not feeling too well.
Oh, you should talk to my friend here, Jack Wallencott.
He tells me he's in excruciating pain, Mary, but he's not going to give in until he gets that damned will of his sorted out, right, Wallencott? Right.
I only hope nothing happens to me before I do.
I feel queasy and bloated, and I'm all sweaty.
I've gotta go lie down, excuse me.
Yeah, well, uh, hurry back.
So, colonel Pinkham, would you regale us with another story of man against beast? Oh, well, I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.
Really? Mmm.
How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.
[Laughing] Did you leave your tent open? A tad more wine, Mrs.
Wallencott? Why, chip, I hope you're not trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me.
Certainly not, Mrs.
You are having this conversation right in front of your husband.
What say we take it on down to the drawing room, and leave the pretty boy behind with the cheese.
Eames! You've been my butler for 20 years, you never remember to keep my wine glass full.
You see how she bosses that guy around? Yeah, and he's the best dressed guy here.
What a wuss.
Hey, eames! More water, now! [Speaking British] And uh, could you clear this dirty plate, eames? Very well, sir.
Very well, sir.
[Glass tinkling] I would like to propose a toast.
A toast to my new friends.
All: hear, hear! Ooh! Good heavens! Don't move.
[Screams] He's been murdered! But by whom? A trio of sorbets will be served in the drawing room.
[All talk] Does this mean the show's canceled? [Laughing] Oh, this is horrible.
A man has just been murdered, and everyone is calmly standing around eating sorbet.
Obviously, these people have been completely desensitized by all the gratuitous violence they've seen on television and movies especially the movies.
So what are we gonna do? We're gonna grab Mary and get out of here.
Come on.
Everybody stay exactly where you are.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
I am inspector macaffery from Scotland yard.
He got here quick.
No one is to leave the premises.
Until further investigation, everyone is considered a suspect.
Everyone? Sh-sh-surely you don't mean everyone? Given the right circumstances, anyone is capable of murder.
But not everyone.
Yes, everyone.
But not anyone.
[Crying] There, there, Milly.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey! Slow down there, buddy.
I'm sorry.
What are you, crazy? That woman's husband was just murdered, and you're trying to stick your tongue down her throat? Do you want to become the prime suspect? Well, why would I be a suspect? It's obvious that hunter guy did it.
How dare you! My dear friend colonel Pinkham is many things, longbow expert, marksman, knife and gun collector, actor but he is no murderer.
[Mary retching] Oh, my poor Mary.
Listen, let's not spoil Mary's "whodunit" weekend with news of this heinous murder.
Dick you guys having fun? All: oh, yeah.
Darling, yes, we only wish that you could join in all the gaiety.
How are you feeling? I feel awful.
I've been throwing up for hours.
Did anyone else eat the prawns? All: no.
It must be food poisoning.
Oh, my god, Mary! You've been poisoned! Who has done this to you? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? [Door slams closed] Oh, my god.
If they can get to Albright, then none of us is safe.
Uh! Oh, sorry.
I'm Ok.
Uh! So, inspector, any breakthroughs? No, but the game's afoot, I dare say.
You know, I could assist you in all this.
What if we collected some bits of physical evidence? Uh-huh? You know, cigar butts, lipstick stains, a monogrammed lighter, a monogrammed handkerchief, a monogrammed towel, a monogrammed shirt, anything monogrammed would be really good.
Right, well, let's not get overeager, hmm? Why don't you sit back and take in the events as they unfold? But there's a murderer among us! Yes, and he'll be among us all weekend.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must phone Scotland yard.
That inspector is appallingly lackadaisical.
Look, maybe I'd better just call Don.
Yeah, we need some Rutherford blue on our side, but until then-- and I know this might sound a bit unorthodox-- I think we need to do some sleuthing on our own.
Are you saying that we should try to solve the murder ourselves? At a party? Exactly.
Someone may have had the motive.
Someone may have had the opportunity.
My god, if they had both! I'd better go confer with my dear friend, the colonel.
Ok, this might sound crazy, right, but what if eames did it? You think the butler did it? Well, that's a little far-Fetched.
Well, think about it.
Who gave Albright the poison prawns? Uh-oh Tommy you haven't been very nice to eames.
No, you picked on him first.
I'm a teenager, I couldn't resist.
Look, Harry, come on.
Let's go find a phone and call Don.
Ah! Eames.
Hi, man, how are you doing? Listen, you got a first name? Eames.
You and me, eames, uh, we're cool, right? No, sir.
Colonel Pinkham, we need your help.
This inspector has some agenda of his own that I don't understand.
I think-- [Gasps] Colonel? [Gagging] Colonel? [Screams] He's dead! My dear friend colonel Pinkham has been murdered! A selection of domestic ports will be served in the foyer.
That's it! I'm not staying for the show.
Yeah? Oh, hello! Just enjoying a little sustenance.
This case is a particularly taxing one.
Another man has been murdered.
Already? Oh! Sorry.
Sorry? Because of your laxity, a man is dead! Maybe that lazy pip-pip-cheerio attitude flies in foggy old London town, but you're in Ohio now, guv'nah! Listen, I've done a thousand of these.
Calm down, sit back, enjoy it.
Enjoy it? That's it.
I'm taking over this investigation.
Give me that police blotter.
Casting call? This is for actors.
What do you want from me? I'll tell you something, macaffery, maybe you should try acting because you're a damned awful inspector! Hello, Mary.
I brought you some crackers.
They're sealed, so I think they're safe.
I'm just so glad you're not dead.
That would be ironic, wouldn't it? Mary, I haven't been completely honest with you.
Something's happened.
have been murdered.
Oh, no.
You don't sound very concerned, I said, up here, sick.
So you have.
It's been awful.
You have been up here the whole time, right? When you have food poisoning, you can't move.
Everybody knows that.
Yes, everybody knows that.
What kind of crackers are these? Garlic and sour cream.
Mary! Ok, Tommy, I gotta stay up here and guard Albright's door.
You go downstairs and wait for Don, and don't tell anyone what you're doing.
Ok, um, could you take that candle away from your face? It sort of makes you look like a monster.
Ooh! All right, that's not funny.
Ok, I've got issues with eames, and-- come on, Tommy.
You can get through this.
We've been through tougher things than this before.
You're right.
We have.
Damn right, we have.
Yeah! Ok! All right! [Gunshot] Both: aah! Hey, I'm sorry, I thought that the trigger was the safety.
Oh, god, Don, thank god you're here.
What's wrong? Unspeakable things have been happening in this house, Don.
Well, I'm sure it's nothing this police officer hasn't seen before, son.
This old guy in a wheelchair got a knife stuck in his back, and he croaked right in front of us.
I've never seen that before.
And then, somebody put poison in this safari guy's drink, and he just fell dead, right out of his chair.
And he was, like [Screams] I'd better get backup.
You hang tight.
No, no, no.
Don't let anybody see you, baby.
They could kill you, too.
Aw, jeez.
Aah! [Grunting] I just saw Don.
He's going for backup.
Because I think I'm on the verge of blowing this case wide open.
Follow me! Aha! Fingerprints on the mantle, but whose prints could they be? Who was last seen alone in this room? [Clock chimes] Alas, that concludes tonight's chapter, ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
Man: bravo! [All applaud] Inspector: pleasant dreams.
Not so fast! No one goes to sleep just yet, inspector.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Everybody sit their evil little butts back down, now! Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dr.
Solomon is about to address you all.
Please hold all comments until he has finished his summation.
Thank you, Harry.
These are the facts, as we know them.
During dinner, Jack Wallencott dropped dead into his potato, a hunting knife protruding from his back.
Hours later, my dear friend colonel Pinkham was found poisoned to death in his favorite wingback chair.
Dick, come to bed.
Quiet, Mary, I'm summing up.
But it's only Friday.
Shut it! Who is responsible? Ooh! Mrs.
Oh, lord.
Silence! One hour ago, I was rifling through Mrs.
Runquist's suitcase.
How dare you go through my things? How dare you own a leopard thong? And while I was contemplating that thong, I wondered who is the person that we would least suspect of poisoning the colonel? Will you sit down? You're stealing my part.
I get to do this.
How many more people have to die because of your incompetence? I do the summation after brunch, every Sunday.
Read the damn brochure! No! The least likely suspect is the person who, herself, was poisoned, but poisoned only to the extent that she lay sick in her room, above suspicion, away from the crowd, the perfect dose.
And who knows more about poisons than an anthropologist? A toxicologist? Yes.
But forget I just said that.
That leads nowhere.
No! Mary Albright killed Jack Wallencott and then in a fever of vengefulness, she killed my dear friend, colonel Pinkham.
What the-- yes, Mary.
I could tell immediately you were jealous.
You never expected the colonel and me to forge such a bond and if you couldn't have me, no one else could.
You can't accuse me of murder, you can only accuse the actors.
And which actors would those be, Mary? If you had hips the size of that blonde woman, would you be wearing that skirt? Oh, darling, please.
I wouldn't even leave the house.
You're alive.
And Mr.
Wallencott, you you can walk! Dick: wait a minute, you only pretended to die.
None of this is real.
This is all a scam! No, wait you're all actors.
This is the show, right? Well, you were all marvelous.
And you, sir, are the reason I want to leave acting, and return to my first passion, drink! Mary? I--I never really believed that you were the murderer, especially once I found out that everybody here was an actor, that's when it really hit me.
[Bang] Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! Freeze! Everybody down on the floor! Down on the floor! You! Show me the bodies! Now! Go, go, go, go, go! Sally: Don! Don! Hon.
Is this one of those murder mystery things? Well, yaah.
Rico, hold the gas! Aah! The gas! [All scream] [Don screaming] I don't get it.
For free, murder is a horrible tragedy, but you charge and suddenly, it's a sophisticated night out.
But it's inappropriate for kids.
This world does need more entertainment that's acceptable for children.
Something where people are nice to each other.
Something where people can just love one another.
They have that.
It's called pornography.
Then that's what kids should watch.