3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick and Tuck

[Sniggering] What's so funny? Look at the cover of this ridiculous magazine.
Harrison ford.
Ooh.
Let me see that.
They're calling this ugly nerd the sexiest man on earth.
Well, he is.
Oh, wait a minute.
You actually think he's sexy? I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
I would.
He's got to go out and work and support me and the kids.
Oh, come on! I'm sexier than he is.
Absolutely.
Ha ha ha! Excuse me.
Ha ha ha! Well, at least you think I'm sexier than he is, Mary.
Huh? Don't you? Oh, come on, Dick.
You're sexy, but you're no Harrison ford.
I am too Harrison ford! Oh, Dick well, I am! I have to get to class.
How can you possibly say Harrison ford is sexier than I am? I mean, just because he's got those incredible cheekbones and that perfectly chiseled jaw and those penetrating brown eyes that you could almost lose yourself in if you stare at them long enough whoa! But I love you.
See you, Dick.
Oh, my god! I'm hideous! Ok, fine.
Lights.
Any questions, comments, anyone? About what, Dr.
Solomon? We've been sitting in the dark for 10 minutes.
You haven't showed us a thing.
I've been showing you my face.
What do you people think of my face? Anyone? Uh, how about you, bug? Whaexcuse me, sir.
Your, uh, your what? My face! My face.
Do you find it appealing in an incredibly handsome, sexiest-man-on-earth sort of way? You're sort of not my type.
How about you, pitman? Do you find me attractive? I'm sorry, Dr.
Solomon.
The last time I answered that question in school, one thing led to another, and then my biology teacher wound up asking me to kill her husband.
Eh, eh, Leon, you'll give me a straight answer.
Me? Well, uhDr.
Solomon, I've always found high cheekbones to be very attractive.
Like mine? Actually, more like pitman's.
What? Yeah, but what about me? Uh, Dr.
Solomon looks are very subjective.
Well, is that your subtle way of telling me that you think I'm hot? No.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're not so pretty yourself! Harrison ford.
What's with the long face? Look, that's just the way it's shaped.
I can't help it, Ok? Whoa.
What's yanking your ponytail? I just don't get it.
Harrison ford and I have all the same parts: a nose, and a mouth.
How come they look so much better on him? Well, you know, you could always do a little snip-snip job.
If you're suggesting that I kidnap someone, cut off his face, and glue it onto my own, don't.
Because that never looks as good as it should.
I was talking about plastic surgery.
Yeah.
You know, I had my boobs done.
You did? Reduced 3 sizes.
Plastic surgery.
Of course! Why should I have to walk around looking like a drab lump of clay when I can pay someone tochisel me into a perfect human sculpture? You're not going to get your boobs done, are you? I just might! This is so unfair.
If everyone can just pay to be good-looking, it totally cheapens things for those of us who are naturally exquisite.
Natural? There's nothing natural about you.
You picked your body out of a catalog.
Mine came with a free tote bag.
Heylook the little hand is picking Dick's nose.
Now cut it out! Ok, I'm sorry I had to step out.
I was in the middle of a tattoo removal.
Apparently, this gentleman has stopped loving his mom.
Ok.
Now let's see what we can do withyour face.
Yeah.
Can I see how I'd look with a bigger chin? Of course.
But with a bigger chin, I'd need a bigger nose, right? Well Ok.
Why stop there? Make my ears bigger.
Your ears.
No, bigger.
Even bigger.
No, like an elephant.
Bigger! Even bigger! Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
Shh.
Calm down.
Sit down.
I'm sorry, doctor.
He's just a little overexcited about the idea of looking better.
Ha! Well, he should be, and, uh so should you.
Oh, I'm not getting anything done.
You're not? Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were.
That's ridiculous! Have you seen me? I don't need anything done.
I could make you look a little less tired, that's all.
Less--less tired? It wouldn't take much.
I look tired? Hey, doc.
What can you do for me? Oh, my god! The symmetry of those cheekbones! That chin that aquiline nose stop! It tickles! Surgically speaking, this man is perfect! What? What? But look at him! His eyes don't even open all the way.
You know something? You and I we could be brothers.
Would you look at this? I think I've found the perfect earlobe.
Is that a beaut? Hmm.
Is that a David duchovny? No.
It it's a Regis philbin.
Really? Nice lobes, reege.
I don't know about this plastic surgery stuff, Dick.
I heard about a woman who had a face-lift once.
They pulled her skin so tight that she couldn't blink.
One morning, her eyes dried up and fell into her raisin bran.
She gobbled them right down with the flakes.
Whoa.
So she could, like, watch herself eating her own eyeballs? What a horrible true story.
Hey, guys! Hey.
What's going on? Oh, we're looking for perfect facial features so Dick can show the doctor what he wants to look like.
And it just so happens that all the magazines that came out this month have beautiful people on their covers.
Talk about a coincidence.
Hello, gentlemen.
Oh, it's you again.
Hello there.
I never noticed how handsome your uncle is.
Yeah, we know.
We know.
Hey.
Oh, good morning, Sally.
Morning.
How'd you sleep? Why? Do I look tired? No.
Then why are you asking me how I slept? 'Cause it's morning.
'Cause I look exhausted? 'Cause you just woke up.
Maybe you should go.
But, Sally, I-- please go.
Sally, I'm sorry about that whole sleep thing.
I was out of line.
Oh Nina I just want you to know that after my surgery, I'm going to be devastatingly handsome.
It's going to be very difficult for you to keep your hands off of me.
Oh, really? But no matter how gorgeous I look, it'll still be me underneath, and, uh, I'm still not attracted to you.
And I just want you to know that if you never came out of anesthesia, that that would be Ok with me.
Thank you.
That is so sweet.
You're actually getting plastic surgery? Yes, Mary.
Yeah.
I've been thinking about this long and hard-- well, not long, but hard not even hard.
But why? You.
Me? Oh, come on.
Don't play dumb.
You're the one who said you wished I looked like Harrison ford.
I never said that! Oh, please! If Harrison ford and I were both standing in this room right now professing our undying love to you, who would you choose? Don't be silly-- who?! Is he divorced? You see? Dick this is the face I fell in love with, and this is the face I'm still in love with.
Do you mean it? I do.
Yeah.
Nice try, Albright! All right, Dick, you ready? Good.
Here we go.
[Heartbeat] Uhh! Uhh! Good work, Tommy.
That's exactly how I want you to remove the gauze after my surgery.
Wait a minute.
You're really gonna stop with the face? What do you mean? Take off the robe.
What? Take it off! What is that? What? Well first of all, this whole area needs to be sucked out.
You think? Who's the handsomest guy here? You.
All right.
And, uh let's not forget about the pectoral implants.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Now, should we go in, uh through the armpits or the nipples? I'd remove the nipples.
Remove them completely? In a second.
Yeah, but then I'd sew 'em back on up here.
Wellthat's not a little high? No, no.
They'll extend the torso and make the whole package appear leaner.
I see.
Well, if you're gonna do that, you might as well put 'em up here.
On the shoulders? Why not? I like it.
That's good.
And let's remove a couple ribs, shall we? I hate my ribs.
Mmm, yeah.
Oh, and, uh right about here.
What's that for? That's for later.
Unbelievable.
Look at all these magazines.
Everything revolves around the beautiful people.
They have it all.
I mean how are the rest of us supposed to compete? Well, you got a big hunk of celery in your teeth, and that won't help.
Thanks.
Look at this.
Every beautiful woman is with a beautiful guy.
Yeah, we do tend to gravitate to our own kind.
Man, how did a gorgeous guy like Don end up with a double-bagger like me? It's a brain-teaser.
It's wrong.
It is wrong, Harry.
I mean, this-- this is the life Don should be living.
He should be the dude with the hot babe on his shoulders, and he should be on the jet-ski with a menthol cigarette in his mouth but he's not.
Because I'm draggin' him down.
I'm draggin' my beautiful Donny down.
Mmm.
You know, I didn't want to say anything, but you totally are.
Thanks, Harry.
Now I know what to do.
Mm-hmm.
All right, we'll see you later.
Well, hello.
Dick, be ready for you in a few minutes.
Are you nervous? Well, a little.
Don't be.
Plastic surgery is going to improve your life.
It did mine.
You had plastic surgery? Oh, no.
But it did buy me a yacht.
Well, old face, this is the last time I'll be seeing you.
I'd say good-bye, but good riddance is more like it.
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Look at this forehead.
All mottled and wrinkled from years of tortured thoughts and and gentle ruminations.
I'm certainly not going to miss that.
Or this chin, for that matter, all scratched and scarred from shaving in a rush so often, trying to get to work on time or or to Mary's house to pick her up for a date.
I remember this one.
I was rushing off to take her on a picnic.
It started to rain, so we had to eat wet tuna sandwiches in an outhouse.
That was so nice.
So, good-bye, old chin.
You'll be facing the laser soon.
And good-bye to you, old nose.
And take care, old ears.
And you, too, old lips.
And take care of yourselveseyes.
Oh, my god.
What am I doing? All right, Dick, we're ready for you now.
Well, we're not ready for you! What? I'm not gonna change this face! This face is a scrapbook dedicated to who I am, damn it! And, by god, I'm gorgeous! No! You're not! Screw you! [Imitating airplane] Don! Hey, Sally.
Can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
What's goin' on? I think you know.
I think you've known for a long time.
I really don't.
Come on, Don.
Stop pretending.
You and I both know that a relationship cannot last when one of the people looks like me and the other looks like you.
Damn it! I knew one day you'd wake up and realize what was goin' on.
Don't kick yourself, Donny.
We gave it our best shot.
I thought we were beyond looks, Sally.
Come on, Don.
Look at you.
How could we get beyond that? Yeah, I guess so.
Don't get me wrong.
I appreciate your kindness.
Not many men would hang in there with a gal as unattractive as me.
What? Don't make me spell it out for you, Don.
I know I'm as ugly as they come.
I don't even know how you can stand to look at me.
Well, Sally, I'm not gonna lie to ya.
It's been hard.
It's been a real struggle.
And granted, we'll continue to get stares out in public, butthat's a price I'm willing to pay because I love you.
Oh, Donny! Oh, ho ho! Thank you! Thank you! Well, Mary, what do you think? You didn't get anything done.
No.
Look, Mary, I know how much you wanted me to have that surgery.
I never wanted you-- no, no! But when I got in there, I realized this face is my face! It's like a museum of my life, especially my life with you.
So, if you've grown tired of this dusty, drafty old museum, maybe you should just go to the Guggenheim.
Oh, Dick, Dick I know what you're going through.
I've been there myself.
You have? Yes, as a matter of fact, a few years ago, I-- I was thinking about having some work done on my nose.
Your nose? Yes, I thought if it was just a little longer-- no, no, but I love your nose.
You do? The way it scrunches up when you smile.
It really does? And those ears I love it when you let me nibble on them.
I kinda like that, too.
And those eyes like 2 clear blue windows into the deepest soul I've ever known.
Oh, Dick.
Oh, Mary.
Sorry about the lights.
My coffee maker blew a circuit.
I'm going to check the breaker.
My god, you're beautiful.
So are you.
Yeah, I know.
You know, they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, when in reality, it's in the eye of the beholdee.
Well, what are you saying? If I think I'm attractive, I actually am? No, Tommy, not you.
Me.
Not you.
Mm-mmm.
You know what I realized? It's not important what you look like.
What's important is who you are on the inside.
[Laughing] That's hilarious! Where'd you hear that, Leno? No, no, I made it up myself.
I swear! You should write for Leno.
I know! [Collective sigh] Well, I, for one, am tired of being handsome.
You know, all people see when they look at me is a pretty face, and then they end up treating me like I'm an idiot.
You are an idiot.
See? That's what I'm talkin' about.
Forget it.
I'm not gonna be handsome anymore.
You can't just stop being handsome, Harry.
Oh, no?