3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Sex and the Sally

All right, listen up, people.
Today, we're gonna talk about what happens during sexual intercourse.
Um, are we gonna be choosing lab partners? 'Cause if so, I got dibs on Donna hagen.
No, we're not choosing lab partners, Tommy.
Well, then, we're gonna need a much more attractive C.
P.
R.
Dummy.
All right, now, the male and female reproductive cells each carry half--yes? I'm sorry, but this material just lacks a certain, um I don't know hotness.
Let's talk about cellular meiosis, all right? There are 5 stages-- uh, yes? When are you gonna teach us how to unhook a bra? We're not learning that.
Ok.
Well, all this stuff is very interesting, but I'm not gonna get to any of it if I can't unhook a bra.
Sally, is my shirt ready? In a minute.
Sally, I'm starving.
What's for dinner? Oh, I made you some hamburgers.
They're down at the hamburger place.
All you have to do is go there, order, and pay for 'em.
Hi, there, skipper.
Bad day at school? Yeah.
They don't teach you anything you can use.
I had sex ed today oh.
Did they teach you how to take off a bra? No.
That's the thing.
It's all "ed" and no sex.
Oh, Tommy, how I wish we could afford private school for you.
Well, I'm going to Don's.
We're gonna have sex tonight.
That sounds like fun.
Hey, Sally, are you ovulating? No.
Are you? No.
But you ought to be careful tonight at Don's.
You know, he's got millions of sperm.
Who told you that? I just learned it.
I'm just saying you don't wanna get pregnant.
Pfft! You can't get pregnant like that.
You get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat or swimming in a pool with some guys.
Oh, no.
No, that's not how it happens.
It's caused by sex.
Lieutenant, you are the security officer.
If you got pregnant, it would seriously jeopardize our mission.
You never said anything before.
Well, you weren't getting the regular nookie before.
Sally, getting pregnant goes against protocol.
And it's an endless responsibility.
It'll make your feet swell up.
God, you guys are right.
I can't get pregnant.
I just got new shoes.
I'll be right back with your change.
You know, I can't believe how flaky that sole was.
Mm.
You know what I can't believe? That you've never been pregnant.
What? Considering how many "gentlemen callers" you've had, it's kind of a miracle.
Dick, I can't have children.
Oh, Mary why not? Because I hate them.
Oh, well we're Ok then.
Thank you.
What are you doing? I'm just taking the little extra money you always leave for me.
Oh, my god! No wonder we're treated like crap everywhere we go! How can you be so cheap? I-I'm not cheap.
Then put the tip back on the table.
The what? The tip.
It was $10.
Put it back.
Uh, of course.
The tip.
Good night.
Thank you.
Oh.
Thank you.
Mary! That waitress just stole our tip! Don, this is so special-- the wine, the candles the fish sticks.
I know your weak spot.
Rrahhrr! Ha ha ha ha! You know we don't have to eat right now.
Why don't I fire up the lava lamp? The red one? Oh, yeah, baby.
Will you turn on the black light in the aquarium? Sure, baby.
Did you take out the dead angel fish? I will, baby.
What? I can't! Is it because of the fish sticks? Because I could brush my teeth.
No, no.
I love fish sticks.
It's just I can't have sex with you tonight.
Why? Tommy gave me millions of reasons.
That little bastard.
Did you find it yet? No.
Why didn't you tell me that there was a rusty meal surprise gift in the bag? Oh.
Wait a second.
Ah! There we go! Yeah, I found it! [Ice rattling] [Ice rattling] Um excuse me [Ice rattling] [Change rattling] Dude, I've got, like, 40 bucks here.
How much do you have? We're supposed to be counting? Hey, where did all that money come from? People gave it to us.
For what? Absolutely nothing.
You were great at it.
You were better, my man.
This makes no sense.
You're getting paid to do nothing.
Meanwhile, I'm expected to pay tips to people for doing things that I'm already paying them to do.
It's only fair, Dick.
It's a reward for good service.
You know about tipping? Sure.
That's how I make most of my money down at the bar.
But I never tip you.
And that's why your drink always has that funny taste.
Mary thinks I'm cheap.
You're not cheap.
You're thrifty.
Frugal.
Economical.
Cheap.
Yeah, that's it.
You're cheap.
I can't let her think that.
From now on, I'm tipping a generous 3% to 5%.
Cheap cheap cheap! Cheap cheap cheap! Cheap cheap cheap! Cheap cheap cheap! I am not cheap! Dick, we're having girl talk here.
Ohhgirl talk! Anyway, Don and I have been together for a while now, and so far, I've been lucky, but how long can I stay lucky? Honey, what kind of birth control are you using? Birth control? I can control birth? Sure, you can.
You know, with birth control.
Oh, do not come in here claiming you know what that is.
But I do.
I know that, I know tipping, I know everything.
And I'm not cheap.
Cheap cheap cheap! Cheap cheap cheap! Thanks.
Dick, you do not have to come with me to the gynecologist's office.
I've been with you for all your womanly milestones.
I was with you when you got your first bikini wax.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
You just couldn't see me.
Ok, Sally.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Nice to see you.
You, too.
Hello.
Well, let's talk about birth control.
What have you used in the past? Nothing.
It never really occurred to us to use anything.
Oh.
Well, uh, how long have the two of you been married? Married? Oh, he's my brother.
Oh, no, no, no.
I have a boyfriend.
I'm not even attracted to him.
Thanks for the gratuitous slam, Sally.
Ok.
Well, what method were you interested in exploring? Well, I don't want him to know I'm using it, so I don't want anything loud.
Loud? Yeah.
I mean, it would just crush him if he knew I didn't want to have his kids.
Oh, right.
Well, uhthis is the sponge.
It's small and highly effective.
Sponge? Oh, I get it.
It's so small, that by the time you're done doing the dishes, you're too exhausted to have sex, right? Do they come with a scouring side? No, no.
You see, the sponge, the diaphragm, these are barrier methods.
You insert them before sex.
Ooh, mood killer.
It's not for us.
Look, don't you have anything simple, easy, something like-- I don't know-- a pill or something? Well, of course, there is the pill.
Don't mock me.
No, no, the birth control pill.
It's very safe and highly effective.
There are a few side effects, however: bloating, anxiety, mood swings mood swings.
I can handle that.
Bring it on.
I can't swallow this.
Maybe if you mash it up with some bananas.
Oh, that's a good idea-- I'll take it.
Somebody ordered a pizza? Nobody here.
Ohyes, they did.
Lunch is on me today, girls.
Money is no object, so put away those wallets.
I am paying for this pizza-- a pizza being paid forby me.
Thanks, Dick.
Thank you, Dr.
Solomon.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
That'll be $12.
And there you are.
And here's your change.
Mm-hmm.
Let's see, would be uh, excuse me.
Where's the little patio table that keeps the cheese from sticking to the lid? Sorry, man.
Thank you.
I said thank you, my good man.
You are unbelievable.
What? I sprang for this pie.
You have to give the guy something.
Well, why? A tip is supposed to be a reward for good service.
He brought the pizza all the way up here.
But that's his job.
We have a business arrangement.
I'm not his mommy! Come on! Come on! Whaddaya got? Come on! Whaddaya got? Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Whaddaya got? Come on! Thank you.
Thank you.
That's really nice of you.
Come on! Whaddaya got? Hey, come on! Whaddaya got? Whaddaya got? Come on, lady.
Whaddaya got? Come on! Come on! Why are you crying? The movie's so sad.
It's "caddyshack.
" Yeah, but the gopher's making fun of everybody.
You're right, Sally.
I'm--I'm sorry.
I should've rented something else.
Yeah, you could've, but you didn't, did you? Did you?! Well, why don't we just turn it off? Oh, thanks, Donnie.
I love you.
What are you doing? Playing "kiss the cow"? What do you mean? Oh, please, look at me.
I'm so fat and disgusting, my boobs are sore I don't even know how you can look at me.
Kiss me again.
Uh, s-Sally you're all over the map.
What's going on? Oh, nothing.
Nothing at all.
Pfft! Ha ha I'm gonna go to the fridge and get myself a brownie, and when I come back [Sadly] I want you to take it away from me.
Oh, boy.
I think I ate the last brownie.
Nooooo! Now, you have two different kinds of chromosomes: the "x" and the "y," and each one has a particular-- there you are.
Oh, my god.
Yes? Listen, my gyno's at lunch, and you're the big sex expert-- are you kidding? He doesn't even know how to unhook a bra.
Tommy, he's my only hope, Ok? Excuse me.
Who are you? A stranger.
I'm his aunt.
Can I go to the bathroom? No.
Sit down.
I'm in the middle of teaching a class here.
But I need answers.
You see, I went on the pill, but the pill's making me act crazy, and my boyfriend thinks I'm nuts 'cause he doesn't know that I'm on the pill, and I can't tell him, so I just really need your help.
Well, um have you considered being honest with your boyfriend? That's not an option.
How about abstinence? Abstinence? What's that? That'sthat's not having sex at all.
Yeah! Honesty! Honesty will work! Honesty.
Abstinence.
Do you see what they're teaching us at the schools these days? Sally, while you're here, can you at least show us how to unhook a bra? Hey, easy, Solomon.
It's Ok.
I'll handle it.
All right, listen up, class.
You got your front-loadin', and your back-loadin'.
I'll need a volunteer.
Ahthank you.
Hello.
Would you like something from the bar? Yes.
I'll have a glass of merlot, and a chardonnay for the lady who will be joining me.
Oh, and, uh can we establish something first? You are, I assume, expecting a tip? Wellyes.
Yep.
All right.
Now, this pile of one-dollar bills represents your potential tip.
Every time you please me, you'll see the pile grow.
However, if I am unsatisfied-- if you're slow, mouthy, or sneeze into your hands-- you'll notice the pile shrinking.
Agreed? Yes, I guess-- all right.
Good luck.
Dick! Oh, hi, Mary hi.
Mwah! So, this is nice.
Mm-hmm.
Trust me.
I have taken care of everything.
Ok thank you.
Here we go.
Uhno.
Sorry.
All right, we have specials tonight.
There's a tri-colored salad with candied walnuts and goat cheese.
It's very, very light-- what kind of dressing comes with that? [Sighs] I'll have to check.
Ouch.
What are you doing? Don't worry, Mary.
Everything's under control.
There you go.
Hmm no.
Mmm! All right, Dick, what's going on? Mary, I have reinvented tipping.
Oh, god.
No.
I'm being generous, but more importantly, I'm being honest.
I'm bringing tipping out of its dark, little cave and into the light.
It's demeaning.
It's the truth, Mary.
Trust me, in the future, all tipping will be done this way.
Ok.
Just to let you know, the soup Du jour is butternut squash, and, uhwe're out of the monkfish.
Uh-oh.
You don't even like monkfish! That's not the point, Mary.
Could you give us a second? Ok, that's it.
Cut it out.
From now on, I'm paying for dinner.
Fine! My wine tastes funny.
[Mumbling in sleep] AhEr Eleanor Roosevelt Don? What? Sallywhat are you doing here? We need to talk.
You're not gonna yell at me again, are you? No, Don.
I I have to tell you something.
I've been taking pills.
Pills! I should've known.
What are they? Uppers? Downers? Lubies? Beanballs? Worse.
Birth control pills.
That's why I've been acting so crazy.
You been taking birth control pills? Why didn't you tell me? I just didn't want you to think I didn't want to have your baby 'cause I do-- if I wanted to have a baby, which I don't.
Well, that's all right, Sally.
Neither do I.
That's why I use protection.
You do? Of course.
What'd you think was in those little foil packets? I thought those were airplane peanuts.
Airplane peanuts? Yeah.
And I used to wonder why, before sex, you'd go into the bathroom and eat peanuts by yourself, but I figured, "hey, whatever gets you in the mood," right? No, Sally, not airplane peanuts.
Wait a second.
If we're both using birth control, then one of us can stop.
But who? Definitely you.
Are you sure? Definitely you.
You're so sweet.
You know now that I know we're both"safe," maybe we could you know.
I think I do.
Heh heh heh ha ha ha ha! [Cracking up] What's so funny? [Crying] Nothing! This isn't gonna happen, is it? I'll see you tomorrow.
Come on! Whaddaya got? Hey! Come on! Come on! Whaddaya got? Whaddaya got? Hey, come on! Hey, Rico.
Come on! Whaddaya got? What are you guys doing out here? Making a nice living.
Yeah, so move along.
You're scaring away all the philanthropists.
All right.
You just earned yourselves a citation.
For excellence in change gathering? [Emotional] It's all happening so fast.
Hi, guys.
How's business? Great! We're being honored by Rico.
They're getting a citation.
Congratulations, boys! The ticket's $75.
Wha.
.
? Oh, wellOk.
And I suppose you're going to want 15% as your own personal cut, huh? Excuse me? Don't worry.
I know how these things work.
This should take care of it.
All right, that's it.
Get in the squad car.
We're going downtown.
Ahnow that's service.
See you down there, boys! Come on! Hey! Oh, man this pez sucks.
That is not pez.
It's progesterone.
Well, then this progesterone sucks.
The calendar function is nice.
Yeah.
Sally do you tip your gynecologist? Come on.
With his job, he should be tipping me.
Yeah, but it's strange, though.
You tip the guy who delivers your pizza, but not the guy who delivers your baby.
That's 'cause you want your pizza to be hot.
If he delivers your baby in 30 minutes or less, though then you tip him! Well, that's just good service.
More people would have babies if they came with free garlic bread.
No, they wouldn't.
Yeah.
You don't know that.
Yes, I do.
No.
Give me that.
Come on.
Come on.
No!