3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Charitable Dick

[Loud snoring] Aah! [Snoring] Ugh! [Alarm clock beeping] Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
Good morning, sweetness.
[Yawns] How did you sleep? Oh, like a rock.
Like a rock.
Mmm.
[Whimpers] Dick, what's taking so long? I'll just be a minute.
Hey, Albright.
What's with the cape? Why, too much? Well, not if you're fighting crime.
For your information, I think I look great.
Dick, I'm gonna wait in the car, I want to go over the seating chart for the fund-raiser.
Oh, Mary, I love that jacket.
Yeah, the way it has no buttons and flows off your shoulders.
It's not a jacket, it's a cape.
Oh, of course.
If it's a cape, I don't like it.
So, uh, what is this thing you're going to, anyway? It's a charity auction.
And what's charity, again? Well, all I know is they're giving out free drinks and paddles with numbers on them.
Well, I guess that's what charity's all about, getting liquored up and spanking your neighbor.
Oh, and Mary tells me I'll get to make a difference in someone's life.
Wait, I thought we weren't allowed to make a difference.
No, we can make little differences.
We're not allowed to make global differences.
Can we blow up the earth? You see, that's a global difference.
It's so hard to keep track of all this.
I know, don't we have it all written down someplace? Yeah, it's all in the mission statement.
Where is that thing, anyway? Well, if anybody's wondering, I didn't leave it on the bus.
Well, we can't be on a mission without a mission statement.
You guys are gonna have to write up a new one.
What? Why us? Because subordinates must do whatever the high commander says.
Boy, that reminds me of a mission statement I once read on a bus.
Aah! I'm Ok.
Nothing to see here.
[Bang] Sally: Don? [Bang] Oh, hey, jimmy.
What's going on? You were supposed to meet me for lunch.
Oh, Sally, I'm sorry, I forgot.
I've got to be honest with you, I didn't get much sleep last night.
Really? I got a ton, honey.
[Laughs] I heard.
Oh, poor baby.
Ok, you know what? I'm gonna come over at 8:00, and you and I are gonna go straight to bed, mister.
Ok? See you, jimmy.
[Bang] $60, going once, going twice, sold to Judith draper! Come on up here and pick up your two-day pass to the Iroquois falls sweat lodge.
You deserve it.
Judith draper! Oh, before we auction off our next item, let's all give a huge round of applause to the man who is responsible for this charity, father Matthew of the Rutheford boys' home.
Father Matthew! Nobody ever claps like that for me.
Maybe if you opened your wallet, you cheap bastard.
Next, we have this oil painting of the historic ground breaking of the Rutheford boys' home.
Isn't this beautiful? We'll start the bidding at $500.
Who will give me $500? I have 5, who will give me 6? Nobody give him 6! who will give me 7? padre! Now, do I hear 8? Strudwick! You're not gonna let him walk away with this little beauty for 8, are you? I should say not.
Top that, Strudwick.
$1,000.
Oh, that is more.
You're out of your league, Solomon.
Am I? 1,100.
[Whooping] $1,700.
You're not gonna let him have it for $1,700, are you? Yes.
going twice, sold to Dick Solomon.
Oh, thank you.
All I can say is uh, clap louder! Ok, mission statement.
Mission statement.
What is our mission? Well, you know, I always remember it by our mission song.
Oh, right, right yeah, yeah, yeah.
Across the void we come a-warping dum diddle Dee lee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh glorious and something something dum diddle Dee lee yadda yadda spaceship! Right.
Ok, let's just start from scratch then.
What is our mission? To boldly go where no man has gone before.
That's clunky.
Yeah, and that excludes Sally.
Mmm, and us, too, technically, since we're not men.
Yeah, yeah, and lots of men have been here.
Yeah.
Eh, let's put it in.
Yeah, it'll give Dick something to cut.
Right.
Well, that's the news.
Um-hmm.
I'd really better get some sleep.
Ok, I'll go brush my teeth.
Well, actually, Sally, I think I should sleep alone tonight.
Why? Because I might get called out to a 480 at the 212.
A fire at the fire department? All right, Sally, I'll be straight with you.
Uh, I can't sleep in the same bed with you.
Is it 'cause I stink? No.
Drool? No.
Pee kind of orangey? No! Well, then, what is it? You snore, Sally.
You snore.
Snore? I do not snore.
Girls do not snore.
Well, you do.
You mean, like [Snorts] No, it's more like [Snorts loudly] Oh, that's bad.
Judith.
Dick.
Did you say something about my painting? No.
Oh.
You're not going to hang that up in here, are you? Uh, no, Nina.
This is not a hanging painting.
It's more of a walking around painting.
Oh, that's nice.
Why don't you take it for a walk? Good morning.
Mary, I thought your kind didn't venture out in daylight.
Well, if my cape is too hip for the room, maybe I'll just take it off.
I love my painting.
It's so nice.
Here's your mail.
Oh, something from the boys' home.
Ah, at last, the respect that I deserve.
"Dear sir or madam" hey, they've invited me to become a patron.
Not everybody gets that.
I did.
Me, too.
I got 3.
This painting sucks! Strudwick.
Dick.
Let me get right to it.
Last night, I couldn't sleep knowing that I had taken from you a painting that is near and dear to your heart.
That's why I'm willing to let you have it-- I don't want it.
You didn't let me finish.
That's why I'm willing to let you have it for, say, $900.
Forget it.
I never wanted that piece of crap, anyway.
Oh, really? Then why did you bid on it like a young lion in springtime? To drive up the price and piss you off.
Well, it didn't work! Ok, let's start again.
We'll begin the bidding at, say, $900.
Get lost.
That was a bid.
That was not a bid.
It was, too.
You bid $900.
Going once, going twice.
Go away! Sold! You owe me $900.
We'll call it 8.
your wife.
Out, idiot! Fine, but at least I have something to show for my idiocy.
Aha! So, you have my painting.
[Snoring] She snores like a pig.
Why is this our problem, again? Well, read the first paragraph of our mission statement.
Mmm.
"We must confront all human problems to understand the human experience.
" Who wrote this crap? That was you.
It's good.
Um-Hmm.
Well, maybe if we constrict the airflow to her nostrils.
Yeah.
[Snores loudly] Uh, better do the mouth, too.
Ok.
Yeah.
I'll just all right! Yeah! Sometimes, the most obvious solution is the most brilliant.
Yeah.
No more snoring, and she gets all the oxygen she needs through her, uh wait, where's the third intake again? The gills? Aah! Aah! Aah! Hi, Rutheford clothing drive? Yeah, I donated a delightful cape ensemble this morning, and I think you made a mistake on the receipt.
Yeah, you estimated the value at $300.
Well, I paid much more than that.
I know they haven't been popular since the 1800s.
Look if I put a one in front of the 3, would that be against your rules? "Dear friend of the environment.
" Great.
All of a sudden, every charity in the world is asking me for money.
Well, once you get on one charity's mailing list, you're on them all.
Yeah, but, how are you supposed to judge who gets priority? Do I adopt a fruit bat, save the rainforest, or build shelters for America's homeless? You just help the ones you can, Dick.
Yeah, but why me? Why can't they just help each other? And how would they do that? Simple.
The rainforest guys cut down the jungle to build affordable housing, America's homeless moves in, and once they get settled, they'll be happy to open their homes to fruit bats.
It's not rocket science.
That's not how it works.
Oh, I know how it works.
I fork over $1,700, and all I get is a painting of two monks and a shovel.
The guy couldn't even paint hands.
They look like potatoes.
I want my money back! Don.
Harriet Tubman.
Don.
Sally, what are you doing here? I finally found a cure for my snoring.
Oh.
Isn't that great? I won't be waking you up anymore.
Yeah, that's super.
Good night.
Good night.
[Humming] Aren't you gonna go to sleep? Oh, no.
I slept all day.
Why is that? So my snoring wouldn't wake you up, silly.
Now go back to sleep.
Shh shh shh shh.
Ok.
All right.
Cliff: hey there, woody, what's that hair doing in my beer? Woody: I think it's the backstroke, Mr.
Clavin.
[Laughs loudly] Sally! Uh, I'll just, I'll put it on closed captioning.
Norm! Sally! Stinky.
Yummy.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Ok, Ok.
Ok, I'm just gonna take the pillow away.
Come on.
[Both grunt] Aah! Will you just go to sleep? Can't you just go to sleep? I'm sorry.
Don't be mad.
All right, all right.
I'm sorry.
Really sorry.
Ok? [Snoring] All right, let's bring this mission statement home.
How will we know when we've fulfilled the goal of our mission? Um, when we've become the perfect human beings? Yes.
Yes, but human beings by nature are imperfect.
Wait a second.
I see what you're going for.
Yes, and for this mission to be perfect, it actually has to be really flawed.
Well, all right! It already is.
I mean, look at you.
You're the poster boy for imperfection.
How's that? Well, your B.
O.
Smells like chicken soup, and you got B.
O.
A lot.
Fair enough, but, uh, don't sell yourself short in the imperfection department, Harry.
How do you mean? Well, you're not smart.
And you scare away the ladies.
I feel like punching your face in.
Me first, fatso.
Father Matthew will be right with you.
Thank you.
Father Matthew, allow me to be perfectly Frank.
I am not a wealthy man.
I have to feed and clothe a family of 4 on a professor's modest salary.
I can't expect a priest to understand poverty, but let me tell you, I have to make a lot of sacrifices-- no, no, please, let me finish.
I simply have no room in my limited budget for extravagances like charity.
Therefore, I am returning this painting, and I want you to give me my money back.
Unhand me, sir! Good morning.
Oh, uh, father Matthew.
Well, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Ben, this is Dr.
Solomon, the nice man who gave us the money to have the bus fixed.
Thank you, Dr.
Solomon.
Oh, well, hey, you're very welcome.
Thanks to your generous pledge, we can fix the bus, and our kids will see things they have never seen before.
The tire and rubber works in Akron, the miniature golf hall of fame, wapakoneta, the home-- the birthplace of Neil Armstrong, and of course, the air and space museum, and the aquarium.
Oh, yes, aquariums are nice, if you like fish, but-- and there's also a chance we can take a day trip to see the Toledo mud hens.
Now, that's all very well, father Matthew-- allow me to be perfectly Frank.
I know you are not a wealthy man.
No, I--I was going to say that-- and I know it wasn't easy raising a family of 4 on a professor's modest salary-- yeah, that's exactly what I-- which is why your generosity means so much to us.
Oh, wellbut-- no, no, please.
Let me finish.
Given your circumstances, your gift means so much to us.
Sure, martin abend gave us $50,000, but he owns the ball bearing plant.
Relative to him, your gift was far more generous.
You mean, I'm better than the rich guy? Well, I wouldn't want to say that-- no, no, no, go on, say it.
I'm not gonna tell him.
You are a great man.
Thank you, father Matthew.
You're so right.
So, why did you bring in the painting? Oh, that.
Because I want you to, uh uh, I want you to I want you to have it.
Thank you.
No, no, please.
The pleasure's mine.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Could you either get this kid off my leg, or else put another one on, because it's really throwing off my balance.
"There are some things in life money can't buy.
For everything else, there's this mission statement.
" Did you guys just get bored and start watching television? No.
Yeah.
You know, it's weird.
Until I started snoring, I never really appreciated how much Don loves me.
Yeah, and until I started giving, I never really appreciated how much I have.
Man, we're so lucky.
Across the void we come a-warping across the fields of stars we soar we pledge to land and something, something dum Dee dum Dee Da Da Da Daspaceship one more time! Across the void we come a-warping across the fields of stars we soar