3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick Puts the Id in Cupid

Hey, you guys, why is everything so red on valentine's day? I mean, the greeting cards and the candy.
Even the tire ads.
Well, red represents all the blood that was spilled at the massacre.
Massacre? Yeah, the st.
Valentine's day massacre.
It was a very big deal here on earth.
Well, all I know is at school, everybody says valentine's day is designed to maximize the lovin'.
What about people like you who never get any lovin'? Yes, well, that's all about to change.
Because this valentine's day is about me and Alissa maximizing the lovin' and minimizing the virginity.
Yes! It's about time.
I've been telling you to do that since you were 14.
Hey, guys! Hey, Alissa, how you doing? Ahh cake in the oven! Oh, will you, uh look at the time? Harry? Hmm? Oh, I was just trying to stagger my exit for a more natural effect.
La la la la la la la and I'm out! What's going on? Uh, I've just been thinking about what we should do for valentine's day.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah, soso, like, up all night trying to craft the best way of saying this.
Alissa, do you want to get a hotel room? Tommy, it better be a nice hotel room.
Really? Are you serious? Yeah, I mean, I think we're ready, don't you? Yes, yeah.
No, I do.
I really do.
And absolutely it'll be a nice hotel room.
I mean, after all, it's our first time.
Oh your first time.
What--what? Thank you.
So, Mary, what do you want for valentine's day this year? OhI'm not expecting much.
Why not? Well, the first year we dated, you claimed to have never heard of valentine's day.
The second year you gave me a ham sandwich.
That's why I'm not expecting much.
I'm so sorry.
Mary, this year I'll try to get it right.
You know I love you.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, tiffany, you finally made it! Oh, Dick, this is my niece tiffany.
She's staying with me for the week.
Sorry I'm late.
Aunt Mary, can I have 20 bucks? Uh, you're not going to join us? No.
Oh, Ok.
But be home by 10:00.
My rules.
That's not going to happen.
Have fun.
Sweet girl.
She's a pain in the ass.
My therapist said I had to set limits with her.
Therapist? Why are you seeing a therapist? To talk.
About me? Oh, Dick about our relationship? Dick, please! Oh, my god! You're talking about me! Yes--no! Dick, that's between me and my therapist.
But tell me! No! Please! No! So what are you going to eat? That's between me and my waiter.
Hey, Don! Sally, look what I found on the porch.
It says it's from your secret admirer.
Secret admirer? Hey, you guys, get in here! You sure you want to read that in front of everyone? Hey, what's going on? Look what some weirdo left on the porch! Let me see that.
"Dear Sally, "I can't stop thinking about you.
Whoa, this guy sounds obsessed! Don: but, uh-- "I stay up at night just to watch you sleep.
" Sally-- eww! "On this valentine's day your heart will be mine.
" Aah! Don: no, you don't understand.
This is the most creepy, horrible, disgusting thing I have ever encountered! It's a good thing you're dating a cop.
Yes, it is, yes.
Don, should we go outside and look for clues? Clues? Sure, why not? Oh.
So I got Alissa and me a room at the Ramada.
Attaboy! She's totally fine with it.
Attaboy! But I'm a virgin.
Attaboy! And, you know, she's not.
Atta-- stop it! What, you mean the pointing or the actual-- everything! I don't know what to do, man.
She's so much more experienced than me.
What if I make a fool of myself? Oh, don't worry.
You will.
So, Dick, what would you like to talk about? Mary Albright.
What does she talk about when she comes here? I can't discuss patients, Dick.
Doctor-client privilege is the foundation of trust in psychotherapy.
Oh, that makes perfect sense.
I respect that.
How about I ask you questions about Mary, and you nod your head yes or no? No.
Was that a yes? No.
Was that a no? Yes! Yes! Good, good.
Dick, what's really going on? What do you mean? Are you feeling insecure about something? Like what? I don't know.
You tell me.
My relationship with Mary? Yes? No.
Was that a yes? [Wailing] Yes! [Sobbing] Ohhh! Hello.
Is Tommy here? Yeah, I'm Tommy.
Uh, do I know you? I'm tiffany.
Aunt Mary wanted to get rid of me, so she told me to come over here and hang out with you.
Well, I got some homework to do, so you're a cutie.
Not exactly big-boned, but really hot.
I'm bored.
Let's do something.
That's the thing-- I got this stuff to do, so-- come on, stop being so lame all the time.
You just met me.
How old are you? Make me a sandwich? Uh we--we got turkey.
[Humming] Don, what's going on? Huh? Have there been any breaks in the case? Uh, uh, no, Sally.
Uh, but I've got every available man on it.
What about a handwriting expert? Don't you guys have some sort of handwriting expert that can take a look at this thing? A handwriting expert? Sally, we're just a small police department, and I, uhI'm the handwriting expert.
Uh, here, let me take a look at that.
Aha! Given the slope of this crossed "t," we can definitely conclude that this guy is a lover, not a loser, Sally.
Really? I don't know.
Curve of the "v" says he's a pervert.
And the capital "y" says he's killed and will kill again.
Rico! I knew it! Don, I cannot sleep knowing that he is out there.
Please find him for me.
Just find him.
Boy, oh, boy.
You better find that perv.
I'm the perv.
The first time I saw Mary undress, I remember thinking, "god, I hope this skylight holds.
" Would you consider your relationship with Mary to be a happy one? Yes.
Apart from the occasional mishap.
Mishap? You know, like me publicly accusing her of murder or or showing up naked at one of her fund-raisers.
So those weren't Mary's delusions.
I beg your pardon? Go on.
I mean, I try so hard to do the right thing, but inevitably my choice is "the worst thing imaginable.
" Her words.
How does that make you feel? Frustrated.
Why? Because I want because I want to be a good human being.
And what's stopping you? I don't know.
You? No.
Me? Good! And? Andwhere I came from.
Yes, of course! It's where I'm from! And? It's my past! That's it! My past is stopping me from being a good human being.
Go on.
It's standing between me and my happiness with Mary.
Go on.
I've got to let go of my past! That's it! I'm letting go of my past! Go on.
Go on? I've just made a huge breakthrough! Isn't that enough? Food, clothing, shelter.
The basics turn me on.
Shelter turns you on? Yeah.
Because you need those things or you'll die.
But sometimes it feels like if you have them, you'll die.
Wait, how do you mean? Well, you can have shelter all day long, but if you don't go outside once in a while, you go crazy.
Oh, right.
And you could eat like a pig, but then sometimes you have to stop, right? And clothing.
Yeah? Well, sometimes, don't you just have to be naked? I've got a girlfriend.
I've got a boyfriend.
We're gonna have sex on valentine's day.
We're gonna have sex right now.
I'm a virgin.
I could educate you.
I could use an education.
Let's go.
Ok! Alissa is gonna be so happy about this.
I have an announcement to make.
Ay yi yi.
Oh, jeez.
I have spent my entire life as a human on the outside looking in.
Always trying, approximating, attempting, but never being a human being.
That's 'cause you're not.
Lieutenant, I refuse to be defined by who I am.
My past has always gotten me into trouble.
As of now, I have no past.
I am no longer an alien.
What? From now on, I am a human being.
I am john Q.
So let me ask you this: if you're not an alien anymore, am I still an alien? I'm not here to define you or anyone.
But I will say this: all the cool kids are no longer aliens.
I've gotta change.
Only one more shopping day before valentine's, and this time, I'm getting it right.
What are you getting for Don? Ooh, I'm thinking ham sandwich.
Great idea.
Hey, that's what you got Mary last year.
Yeah, when I was A [Beeping] Alien.
So, uh, I was Ok? You're a natural.
Really? But in the genetic imperative kind of way, or are we talking style points here? Both.
I gotta go.
Take care.
So, this is like good-Bye and good luck? Yeah.
What a deal! [Laughs] Hey, Tommy! What do you know? Well a lot more than I did Oh! Nothing says I love you like having sex with a stranger the night before you're supposed to do it with your girlfriend for the very first time on valentine's day.
I'm so thoughtful.
Look, have you caught the guy who wrote the note yet? Caught him? Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
I nailed him.
He's in lock-up.
Your worries are over.
Oh, thank you so much! I want to see him.
Y-you can't.
Uh, nobody's allowed in there.
It's too dangerous.
I'm going in.
Sally, Sally! Sally! All right, Don, which one is he? Sally, I-- I know how-- which one's the perv? Uh, the one in the red flannel.
He's your man.
Ok, flannel boy, yeah, step over here.
So you're the one who's been stalking me, huh? Well, you have messed with the wrong broad, baby! You have made my life a living hell, and you will suffer the wrath-- Sally, for god's sake, stop it! What is it, sweetie? I was the one who wrote the note.
You? I thought it would be better than a card.
I wanted to say it in my own words.
You wrote "dear Sally, "I can't stop thinking about you.
"I stay up at night just to watch you sleep.
" Both: "on this valentine's day your heart will be mine.
" Oh, my god, that is so sweet.
I tried.
Let's go.
You could never write a valentine that good, you creep.
Oh, hi, Dick.
Oh, Mary.
Happy, happy valentine's day.
Wow, Dick, this looks like a real present.
I put a lot of thought into it.
Oh! Oh, my god, this is amazing.
Oh, I knew you'd love it.
When I was 5, I wanted a piano just like this, but my mother wouldn't get it for me.
Here's another one, Mary.
Oh, my god! Do you know what this is? Yeah, it's the novel that your professor wrote while you were having an affair with him in college.
How did you know that? And here is a flowing black wig.
Your camp counselor wouldn't let you play maria in west side story, but I will.
I never told you any of these things.
But you told your therapist, who is now my therapist.
You're seeing my therapist? Yeah.
You betcha.
And she told you all of this? Oh, of course not.
Mary, that would be completely unethical.
I looked at your files while she went to the bathroom.
I can't believe this.
What do you mean? People don't do this.
People don't look at other people's psychological files to get gift ideas! They don't? [Shrieking] No! Wait a minute, Mary! Are you sure? Oh, stupid alien! Stupid, stupid, stupid! [Piano plinks] [Plink] [Plink plink plink] [Clang] [Knock on door] Hello, my valentine.
Hello, my Valentino.
So, this nice enough for you, huh? Set me back $47.
Listen, I, uh, I have a present for you, because I wanted tonight to be really special.
Really? What is it? Last night I lost my virginity.
You what? And if tonight is anything like last night, you're gonna have one great time.
Why would you do this? Oh, I did it for you.
For me? Yeah, you know, because you're such an experienced woman.
You don't want a boyfriend who doesn't know what he's doing, you know? I thought you'd be happy.
Happy? Not quite happy.
I have to go think about this.
Well, don't be long! Oh, I'm gonna be very long! Good thing I got pay-per-view.
[Music on Tv] [Knock on door] Alissa.
Hola, Mon frère! Harry.
So How'd it go? Uh, I think she was a little intimidated by me.
What do you mean? I think she felt like I had too much experience.
Aw, ain't no such thing, little buddy.
Oh! Those 2 ladies naked? Yes, they are.
Ah! So, what'd that guy do to deserve the spanking? Thank you for agreeing to this emergency session.
So what happened? Dick read your file on me.
He touched my things? I feel so betrayed.
I can't trust these freaks to sit while I take a leak! What did you just say? What did you think I just said? Dr.
Brand, I need to talk to you! Dick, you have to wait your turn! No, this can't wait! Oh, this is infuriating! Dick, what compelled you to invade my personal space? Oh, and read Mary's files? I did it because I am a man who will do irrational, often annoying things out of love for Mary Albright.
Why can't you just act like a normal human being?! Because I'm never going to be a normal human being, Mary! And do you know why? Because I'm lousy at it! And you're just gonna have to accept that.
Don't listen to him, Mary.
I'm happy with myself.
I don't want to alter who I am.
I like me.
Get that down, Dr.
So you're saying you're never gonna change.
Dick Solomon, love him or leave him.
You've got a choice, Mary.
Oh, Dick, I do love you.
And I know what would happen if I ever tried to leave you.
Irrational and annoying things.
I wouldn't normally say this, but you two should not be together.
Happy valentine's day, Mary.
Happy valentine's day, Dick.
So how are things with Alissa? Well, she hasn't called yet.
Which I'm reading as smooth sailing.
She's just going to have to accept you for who you are.
Is a non-alien speaking? 'Cause I cannot hear a non-alien up here on the alien rooftop.
Sally, I'm an alien again.
Good, 'cause that other thing was stupid.
Not as stupid as Sally being scared by a valentine.
Hey, I did not know the earth custom on that one, all right? Isn't it great to always have that excuse? Yes, it definitely is.
[All making kooky noises]