3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Rutherford Beauty

Now then, you have one hour to complete your exam.
There's no cheating, there's no talking, and there's no way anybody will be able to answer number 4, which, uh, I'm sorry to say, is worth half the exam.
What? But, Dr.
Solomon, doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose-- I'm sorry.
I said no talking.
But-- and begin! Girl: Dr.
Solomon.
Girl, enticingly: Dr.
Solomon.
Nina, can't you see I'm right in the middle of th-- well, hello! Hey, baby.
Good morning baby.
How about I come over there and rub your shoulders? Ok.
Mmm mmm.
Tell me how much you like it.
[Flustered] Oh I like it.
[Giggles] [Deep breath] You are so sexy.
Ohso damn sexy.
Kiss me.
Oh [Squeals] Dr.
Solomon! Rowl! Rowl! Rowl! Dr.
Solomon! Ha ha ha! Dr.
Solomon! Ha ha ha! Boy: Dr.
Solomon.
Dr.
Solomon? [Moaning with pleasure] Dr.
Solomon! Leon? What are you doing? I said no talking! You fail! Spaghetti's ready! Oh, ho! I've heard about this spaghetti! Oh, um ah.
Sally, uh looks great.
Sally, aren't you gonna drain the spaghetti? What? You know, get rid of the water.
Shhwhat do you want to do that for? The water's my favorite part.
I mean, quite frankly, I don't even like the spaghetti.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Besides, I mean, even if we did like the spaghetti, separating it from the water would be time-consuming and dangerous.
Well, why don't you get one of those strainers? They sell great ones at Bach and Frankels.
Bach and Frankels? You've never been to Bach and Frankels? Oh, it's great! They got all kinds of stuff for the kitchen, you know, they got, uh, the garlic presses and cookie cutters and melon ballers they have actual melon ballers? Mm.
And all this time I've been ballin' melons with the inside of my fingernails.
You should try to get there as soon as possible.
All right.
So, you want some grated cheese on your spaghetti? I'mgood.
Yeah, I'd love some.
I know you do.
Oh, Dick, this event for proposition 28 is really coming together! Guess who I just got off the phone with.
Nina? No! The man who wrote proposition 28.
Nina? Dr.
Hallstrom! Oh, of course.
He's agreed to speak at the dinner.
Now I just have to deal with the details.
You know, the menu, the decorations where's Nina? Nina? Ahh in her office.
Why? How long has she been in there? I don't know.
All morning.
Oh.
So then it was all in my head? Ooh! Hi, Dr.
Solomon.
Uhhello, baby.
What did you call me? Is it a little warm in here? I'm gonna turn on the air.
I'll be back in an hour.
Oh, Nina, I have got to tell you, that yoga is doing wonders for you.
Thank you! You look so toned and fit and healthy.
Doesn't she, Dick? UhI don't know.
What are you accusing me of? Nothing.
That's because I never touched anybody.
Right, Nina? Uhsure.
I gotta go.
Oh, don't forget your mat.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I dropped your firm buttocks.
Oh fern buttocks.
Uh, fern buttocks.
You guys, this place is ridiculous.
What? You got a paring knife, a boning knife, a carving knife.
I got a tool that can do all these things, it's called a knife.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, man! Are those oven mitts shaped like lobster claws? I think they are! Let's go! Now, when you're serving crab-and-mango autumn rolls with citrus dipping sauce, be sure to hollow out a summer squash and use it as a toothpick cushion.
You can do this.
"The Margaret Williams lifestyle collection.
" By now, our spun sugar cream puff tower is ready.
Let's take a look.
Excuse me.
Uh, what's the deal with this perky lady and her lifestyle collection? Oh, she's wonderful.
Have you seen her new book? "Baking with Margaret.
" She shows you how to make kinds of cookies.
I've never made my own cookies before.
Especially not ones shaped like different breeds of dog.
Oh, and this one has some terrific decorating ideas.
Take a look.
Oh, my god! She makes candles out of birdseed? A 20-layer wedding cake? Shampoo topiaries for the shower? Wow.
Do women really do all this? I do.
I do, too.
I'm a lobster! Aah! Lobster.
I'm the lobster! Hey.
Whatever you do, do not throw away that apple.
This books says that I can dry it, fill it with cloves, and use it as a natural room deodorizer.
What has gotten into you? I mean, the minute you get home, you start puttin' these tiny little wreaths on every doorknob? So "the room can bloom.
" You know, before I read these books, I thought I was doin' pretty good as a woman, but now I realize I was totally inadequate.
I mean, this this is what being a real woman is all about! Sally, you know, I think that's great.
Really.
By the way, remember when you said "room can bloom"? That almost made me throw up.
Fine.
You're not getting any schnauzer cookies.
Oh, Harry Tommy you know, the oddest thing happened to me today.
I was in class, wide awake, and suddenly I started having these really erotic thoughts about Nina.
So what? You had a fantasy.
A fantasy? You've had them, too? Yeah.
I have them all the time.
At school, at the store.
I once had one when I was picking out a bicycle helmet.
What about you, Harry? I'm havin' one right now.
I don't understand.
I'm in love with Mary.
I don't want to be with Nina.
I know, and I'm in love with Alissa.
I don't want to be with the entire girls' volleyball team.
What is the matter with us? Well, Dick, maybe it's not us.
What are you saying? I'm saying maybe someone else is making us think these things.
Like who? The women.
That's it! Of course! It's the women! With their feminine voices and their soft skin and their angora sweaters and their hot little feet.
Oh, they're doing it again! No! Stop that! Nina.
Oh, good.
Dr.
Solomon.
You're here early.
Uh, Nina there's something that we have to discuss.
Here.
Have a seat.
Ok Nina have you been coming on to me? What?! Oh, come on.
Parading around in your little yoga outfits, accidentally bumping into me in the office, wearing scented deodorants.
I know your game.
Dr.
Solomon, I-- how dare you try to come between me and the woman that I love, and right under Mary's ignorant nose? You bitch! Ooh.
You know I love it when you talk dirty.
You do? Get your butt over here.
Ok.
Tell me what you want, Dr.
Solomon, and I'll give it to you.
But, Nina, we're-- we're right-- we're in-- tell me what you want.
Tell me what you want! Uh, Nina! Tell me what you want! Tell me what you want! Tell me what you want! Oh! Nina! You've got to tell me what you want for lunch.
Huh? Huh? What? What do you want for lunch? Uh, uh, uh pizza.
And hold the buttocks.
All right, everybody.
Dinner's ready.
Ohhh! Oh! This looks great, Sally.
[Chuckles proudly] You folded breadsticks into the napkins! Yes, well, unfolding a napkin is like unwrapping a little gift.
It makes every meal feel like a celebration.
Mmm.
I, uh, think you're sittin' in my seat there, Tommy.
This is where I always sit.
Well, not according to the little pumpkin place card, it's not, no.
Then that's a mistake.
There was no mistake, Tommy.
You sit here.
I felt that the conversation would be more lively if the people with the least in common were sitting next to each other.
There's only three of us.
Well, it's at the smallest dinner parties that you make the biggest discoveries about your closest friends.
Sally, I've been to parties.
This isn't a party.
Whoa! Are these plates made out of ice? That's right.
Instead of washing them, you just put them in the sink and let them melt.
Yeah, see, this is a party one of them one of them crazy meltin' plate kind of parties.
Hello oh, we're in the kitchen! Hi.
Oh, my god! Look at this table! Did you do this? Yeah.
All by myself.
What's the occasion? Well, any time you sit down at a table, it's an occasion.
Ohboy, Sally, I wish you were available for my party.
You're having a party? Mmm.
at the university gallery in a couple of days, and I haven't had a second to-- how many people? I'll do it.
Are you sure?! Yes.
I promise you, Albright, everything will be perfect.
Ohhh ohoh oh, no.
Marywould you be mad if I told you I I had a sexual fantasy? Well, why would I be mad at you? Because it's dirty and naughty and lots and lots of fun.
Is there any other kind? You've had one, too? Uh, tell me.
Mary, tell me what it is! You really want to hear it? Yuh-huh.
Ok.
Sothere I am, in a public place, and people all around, and all of a sudden, you arrive from out of nowhere.
Oh, goodness, I'm sneaky.
And you start to seduce me.
What? Am I naked? No.
Can I be? Sure! Anyway, I'm afraid we're gonna get caught, so I try to stop you.
Well, you're no tramp.
Mm-mm.
But the more I resist the more passionate you become, and we just go at it in the middle of everybody.
[Gasps] Oh, you are a tramp! Ok.
Now you have to tell me yours.
Oh.
WellOk.
Ok.
So there I am in the office, sitting at my desk before class mm-hmm just grading my exams oh, I know where this is going! Uh-huh.
So, there I am, just sitting there minding my own business.
Go on.
When in walks Nina.
Nina.
Yeah.
You betcha! And then all at once we start making crazy love like it's going out of style.
I mean, is that hot or what? Good-bye.
Hey wait a second! I thought we were all turned on here! Hello, Dr.
Solomon.
Oh, what the hell.
[Sighs] Mary? Did I do something to upset you last night? Well, maybe it was your fantasy, Dick.
Maybe you should just keep your big mouth shut.
But what's the big deal? You told me yours, and I told you mine.
Yeah, but mine didn't involve Nina.
I sort of wish it had.
Well, I'm sorry, Dick, that our sex life isn't exciting enough to keep you interested.
Oh, but it is, Mary.
I didn't invite Nina in.
She just showed up.
Good morning.
[Coolly] Nina.
Here's the list of confirmations for tomorrow night's dinner.
Everyone said yes.
I just needed the list, Nina, not your commentary.
What's the matter with you? Nina, it's just that Mary is-- Dick.
I'm sorry, Nina.
I think it's just the stress of this dinner.
Oh, come on, Mary.
We both know it's not the dinner.
It's the dinner, Dick.
Let's be honest, Nina.
Mary is upset because I've been having sexual fantasies about you.
About me? Oh, don't act so innocent, Nina! What?! Oh, please.
Maybe if you started dressing like a grown-up instead of some teenybopper pat benatar wannabe now, Mary, Mary you know something, Mary? Maybe if you changed your hairstyle once a decade, your pervert of a boyfriend wouldn't have to think about me.
Now, Nina mar-- How dare you? How dare you? You want some of this? Come on.
Nuh--nuh--no, no, no! No, no, no.
That's it! That's it! I have to put a stop to all this.
Mary, I still love you and only you in spite of your hair.
Andand, Nina, rest assured that as far as I'm concerned, you might as well be a man a man named nino.
Noware we all happy? Ohh! Ohh! Uh [Stammering] Don honey those napkins are supposed to look like swans, not something that came out of an old man's pocket.
All right.
Here you go, Sally.
Every damn pine cone within 20 miles.
Ok, well, you know what? UhI actually decided to go with fresh herb centerpieces.
You don't understand.
We climbed trees for these things.
We fought squirrels.
Oh, come on, guys, don't be upset.
We'll just make 'em into puppets for those long winter nights at home alone with the kids.
You can tell that to the freakin' squirrels! I can't do the swans! Sally, I can't do 'em! Well, then, uh, try a peacock.
A peacock's even harder.
I'll see you later.
Oh, hey, Dick.
Oh, DonMary's furious with me, and I don't know what I did wrong.
Oh, don't sweat it, Dick.
It'll blow over.
I told her I had a sexual fantasy about Nina.
Good god, Dick! You couldn't make a dumber move than that.
And then I told Nina.
I stand corrected.
I don't understand.
I never touched Nina.
Why is Mary so upset? Wellmaybe she thinks she doesn't excite you anymore.
But how do I let her know that she does? Oh, what are you askin' me for, Dick? I can't even make a swan out of a napkin.
You can't? No.
Oh, no, but it's easy.
You just make a peacock, and then flatten out the tail.
Gahhh! Hi.
You havin' a good time? Good.
Sir, your lavender votive is supposed to stay on your plate till dinner's served.
Makes the table look prettier.
Ok? Thanks.
Hey, Sally, these crab-and-mango autumn rolls are really moving.
What are those used toothpicks doing on the plate? People put them there after they eat the autumn rolls.
Ok, so why did I hollow out a summer squash to make a toothpick cushion if no one's gonna use it, hmm? Relax, everyone's having fun.
Yeahat my expense.
I mean, you work so hard to make everything perfect, but do they care? No.
I mean, has anybody even noticed the--the crouton turtles in the olive oil ponds? Huh? Or--or that the napkin rings are made out of edible flowers? And no one, not one single person, has even mentioned the herb centerpieces! Smell the perfection! Smell it! Harry, I think I need a glass of chardonnay.
All right.
Thanks.
And here you go.
Is that a pine cone? Well, yes, it is.
Can I get one without a pine cone? Not as long as I got back here, no, you can't.
Hello, Mary.
Hello, Dick.
Dick! Make love to me, Mary right here, right now.
Are you out of your mind?! No, but I'm out of my pants.
Touch my body.
Why are you doing this? Because it's your fantasy that I seduce you in public.
Remember? It's not supposed to be real! Why not, if that's what you want? Oh oh, Dr.
Hallstrom! Quick.
Get under the table.
Oh Dr.
Albright.
I must commend you.
This is quite an event.
OhDr.
Hallstrom, thank you.
I--ohhh! Areare you pleased? Yes.
Very.
And none of this would've been possible without your passion, your commitment.
Stop it.
I beg your pardon? [Losing control] I meanstop it! Oh.
Well, enjoy the rest of the evening.
I amI didI will! Oh, thank you! [Moaning with pleasure] You know, it's amazing how our fantasies allow us to explore forbidden territories.
I wonder how many people are fantasizing about me right now.
Including you--one.
And by the way, I bumped into Alissa.
Yeah.
She'd never heard about your volleyball team fantasy.
Ohhhcrap.
Yeah, you guys want to talk about fantasy, I'll tell you, try to live your life as perfect as they tell you to in those books.
That's a real fantasy.
So no more fancy table settings? I don't care if you eat with your feet.
That wouldn't be a problem for me 'cause I got lobster claws! Stop with the lobster! Ok? I don't like it.
All right.
All right.
Lobster claws! I don't like it! All right?