3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Shall We Dick?

I'm tellin' you, Sally, the new bond picture's at the $2.
00 theater.
I don't know.
I just can't get used to bond being played by anybody but timothy Dalton.
Well, you should go see that new imax movie-- "the secret life of cats.
" Oh, yeah.
The--The screen is huge.
It's a 50-foot cat, and you are the mouse.
I swear it'll be fun.
Oh, how could it not? Hey, where's Rutherford Barbie takin' you now? We're goin' to the mall.
It's spring pullover madness at P.
Spring pullovers? Oh, my god, I love the spring pullovers.
Have you seen their twin sets? They're adorable.
With the nubby v-neck? So cool! Excuse me, but the two of you hate each other, remember? Those would look so great on you.
Maybe if I had your hair.
Oh, my god, I'd trade for your hair any day.
Yes, well, that's all the time we have for today.
See you next time.
Can we come with you guys? No.
Let's not.
Sure! Oh, great! You know, I love that cable knits are back.
[Indistinct] You couldn't have gone out the back way? I never saw it coming.
Excuse me.
I have a special delivery package addressed to A birthday girl.
Ooh, a video.
Could this be a sexy video? Could be.
"Thirty days to thinner thighs.
" You know how you're always complaining about your chunky thighs? Here's A gift-giving tip, Dick.
Jewelry says, "our love goes on forever.
" Exercise videos say, "your ass goes on forever!" Nina! Uhuhuh Harry, don't bring that in here.
What? I just carried it up 4 flights of stairs! Get it out of here.
Harry, watch-- who's the thigh buster for? Uhuhuh you, thunder thighs! Ha ha! Ha! Uh, burn.
It's a lot of work for a joke, but well worth it.
Take it away, Harry.
Oh, Mary, guess who's partnering up for the big badger day dance contest.
Me and Judith.
Oh, that'll be great! We'll be practicing in my office, and we didn't want people to get the wrong idea.
I'm a very sexual person when I dance.
That sounds like fun.
Do you want to enter the contest, Mary? [Chortles] Ha ha ha ha! Why? What's so funny? Marydancing.
But Mary's a fantastic dancer.
Really, Dick, I--I have two left feet.
She ain't kiddin'.
I will have you know that my Mary has the grace of a swan, the dexterity of a hawk, and the powerful kick of an ostrich! Mary, would you do me the honor of slaughtering them with me in the badger day dance contest? Yes, I would.
Here's a tip for you, Dick--Shin guards.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, uh, here's a tip for you, Strudwick bite me! Boy, that dance sure sounds like fun, huh? Would you do me the honor of slaughtering that bearded guy and the glasses lady? You know, I wish I could, but see-- come on, Nina.
You said you didn't have anyone to go with.
Ok, Harry.
I'll dance with you.
Yes! Trust me, Nina, you will not regret it! Uhh! Oh, no.
I got it.
I got it.
Now hold it.
Unh! Unh! Ohh! How can they still be in there? How can anything take this long? I hate the spring pullovers.
I hate them.
I want to kill them.
All right, you guys, what do you think? Oh, you look great! That's the one! Let's ring it up! I want to try the purple one again.
Oh, with the gray capris! Aah! Aah! [Both giggling] Cut it out.
I said cut it out! Cut it out! Aah! Aah.
[Chuckling] Hey, guys.
Ready to go? Oh, gee, I don't know, Don.
What do you think? Oh, yeah.
I suppose I'm ready.
Whew! I got to tell you I finally understand what you see in Alissa.
She's fine! She's got great taste and a super-cute body.
You--you saw her body? Oh, yeah.
We were naked in the dressing room.
Naked?! II spent a year of my life trying unsuccessfully to see her naked, and then it just falls into your lap? Relax! I will not! But-- Ok, Mary let's begin.
And 5, 6, 7, 8, and now, what was that? Don't I spin into your arms? Oh, that was spinning? I'm sorry.
I thought you'd lost your balance.
Let's go again.
And 5, 6, 7, 8 Ok, that was wrong.
And 5, 6, 7, 8, and this is so wrong.
How is it that women on this planet can freely look at other women naked? I mean, the men can't look at other men naked.
Yes, they can.
Trust me, it's discouraged.
So I saw your girlfriend naked.
What's the big deal? That's just it! It's not a big deal to you! To me, it's a very big deal! Perhaps the biggest of all deals! But it happens to you, someone to whom it's a very tiny deal.
Irony sucks! Well, Tommy, have you asked Alissa if you could see her naked? I mean, every time I've had the urge to see a guy naked, all I've had to do is ask, and bam! Johnson! All right, Harry, just watch me.
We'll start with something simple.
[Music plays] [Snapping fingers] And 5, 6, 7, 8.
Step, step, back, step-step.
No, no, no, no, no! No! No! Back to one.
Step, step, back, step-step.
One question, hon.
Are you a dancer or a water buffalo? I'm trying my best! I don't mean to be a bitch, Mary but I thought you said you wanted to win this thing.
I didn't.
You said, "it sounds like fun.
" I said, "Ok.
" And all of a sudden, you're being competitive.
That's because it's a competition! Now, where was I? Oh, yes.
And step, step, back, step-step! Step, step-- hey, that's very, very bad.
That's it.
I'm leaving.
And 5, 6, 7, 8, and step, step, step and step! Step, step, step and step! Now you've got it! Ooh.
See? It starts at 7:15.
Oh, this is so great! You know what, Don? It is so much easier to pick out a movie with Alissa than with you.
I cannot believe you've never seen a drew Barrymore movie.
I'll go change.
I need to see you naked.
I know.
You wrote it in my yearbook.
So, you want to go down to Dubcek's utility shed? Excuse me.
Aah! Don: whoa! Just a minute! What what just happened? I just saw Donchanging.
[Coldly] Excuse me? Whoo.
Big finish.
Whoo! That was fun, Harry! Well, it sure was! Nina do you think it's possible for two people to dance with each other without inevitably falling in love? Absolutely.
Yeah, me, too.
Want to sleep over? Mm-mmm.
All right.
She's quite a dancer, isn't she, Harry? Oh, she sure is, Dick.
Harry you remember that idea you had about me dancing with Nina and you staying home? You know, I've been thinking it over, and I've decided that is a terrific idea.
Oh! Well, than--hey! That wasn't my idea! Now, don't be modest, Harry.
I will dance with Nina, and you will stay home per your original suggestion.
Well, but, Dick, I didn't-- Harry, I really want to win this contest.
You had your chance to win it last year, and you didn't even enter.
I didn't even know about it! Neither did I, Harry! So I am dancing with Nina, and you are staying home.
Now, that is an order! Should've entered last year.
Stupid! Sally, it's time to go to the dance.
Just get over it.
No woman should see my Donnie like that.
His naked body is my sacred jewel.
That's not funny, Tommy.
OhhhI disagree.
I would suggest to you that it is very funny! Heh heh heh! You know, I wouldn't laugh if I were you.
I mean, now that Alissa's seen a real man naked, how are you gonna look? Ah, pfftt! Come on! Hey I hardly think that, uh I mean really? Yes.
[Quietly] Really? Hi, hi, hi! Hi! Harry, what are you doing? I lost the Tv remote.
You lost it in the stove? If I knew where I lost it, it wouldn't be lost! Now, would it?! Sally! Tommy, come on! We're gonna be late! All right, whatever.
Wow! Look at you guys! We're off to the big badger day dance.
Hey, so Albright was Ok with you ditchin' her? Oh, absolutely.
She said if I was gonna be such a big jerk about this dance thing, she wasn't gonna go with me.
I said, "fabulous!" Boy.
I sure wish I could go to the dance.
[Laughing] You?! Go to the dance?! Look at you! Dressed in rags! You're so dirty! [Laughing] Dirty! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Man! That Dick is such a tyrant.
I mean, don't I have a right to be happy? You know, you can go if you really want to.
Me? Go to the dance? But how? I got no car.
I got Nothin' to wear.
Oh, Harry I guess you're screwed.
Cross your fingers for me, Mary.
Those, uh, fingers aren't crossed.
You need two, and I'll explain it to you later.
Sally, those shoes are awesome.
Oh, you like to look at 'em, do you? You like to look at a lot of things that belong to me.
Sally, go easy.
It was just an accident.
You know what they say about accidents, Tommy.
Behind every accident is an intentional act.
They say that? Oh, oh, they say that, and they're deadly serious.
Look, if anybody did this on purpose, it was Don.
Oh, right.
How would he know that she would burst in on him? Unless they planned this together.
Oh! That's the only explanation that makes sense.
I'm gonna go, uh powder my nose in the ladies' crapper.
UmI'll come with you? Come on.
[Chuckles] Women, huh? Go to hell.
What? All right, folks, I hope you have your dancin' shoes on, because the swing dance competition is about to begin.
And may the best man win, Solomon--me.
Oh, by the way, Strudwick, a gorilla called.
He wants his butt, which you're using for a face, back! Hey are you swingers ready to swing? I said, are you swingers ready to swing? Ok, start.
If you think you're dancing with Nina, you've got another thing coming.
Screw Nina! Oh.
I'm sorry.
Albright, would you do me the honor of dancing with me? It would be my pleasure Harry! [Peppy swing number begins] All right.
Uh comecome back.
What happened to you? Sally pushed me into a garbage can.
It was an accident.
Heh heh heh! This is funny to you? Oh, don't play so innocent! Yeah, Lolita.
You've been angling for a gander at Don's goods for months! What?! I doubt that.
Ha! As if you had Nothin' to do with it! I was just puttin' on some powder! Why do you have to go around flashing other people's girlfriends? [Tommy sobs] Again, I did not do that.
Does that make you feel like a big man? I was just puttin' on some powder! Announcer: wow! That was some hot, hot dancin'.
And right now, the judges are literally making the most important decision of their lives.
Oh, please let it be me! Please let it be me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! And the winner is [Drum roll] Nina Campbell damn! And Dick Solomon! Me! Yes! Oh, ho, ho! So, Strudwick yeah.
Judith you were the ones who said I didn't have a chance, huh? We never said you didn't have a chance.
We said you and Mary didn't have a chance.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! And--and yet, we won! I mean, I won, which proves my point that Mary can dance! In a way.
Mary! So, umtell me.
Has seeing Don ruined you for me? Uhit may have ruined powder for me.
Butyou could still enjoy seeing me naked.
Really? That's great! Heyyou want to see me naked right now? No.
[Sobbing] Trust me, Sally.
I don't want anyone but you to see me naked.
Really? Really.
Actually, I don't even want you to see me naked.
Baby, I see you naked every time I close my eyes.
Please stop.
All right, go ahead.
Nina? I just want you to know that even though you dumped me to dance with Dick, I still think that our relationship is worth saving.
We don't have a relationship.
Your mouth says no but your lips say yes.
Ha ha ha! Oh, and how, exactly, would my lips say y-- oh, Ok, then.
Go wait in the car.
Dick: Mary, wait! Mary! [Romantic ballroom music plays] [Music swells dramatically]