3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick and Harry Fall Down a Hole

UmDick remember back at the gas station when you told me to fill the gas can up to the top? Yes, Harry.
Um, does it matter what kind of gas it was? No.
Um, is windshield-wiper fluid gas? Give me the can, Harry.
Oh, what a night.
We go out to pick up pizza, we run out of gas, and we wind up stuck in the middle of--waaah! Oh, come on Dick? Dick! Harry! I'm down here! I'm in a hole! How long you gonna be down there? Listen carefully, Harry.
You have to get help! Ok! I'm on my way! Dick: Godspeed, Harry.
Oh wh--yaaah! You didn't get help, did you? Not yet.
Boy, Harry, it's a long way up.
I was noticing that on the way down.
One of us should stand on the other's shoulders.
How much do you weigh? Ok, give me a boost.
Uhh! Nhh, nhh.
Higher, Harry.
That's it.
This is not gonna work.
You're just not tall enough, Harry.
I'll have to think of something else.
This area is clearly riddled with natural caverns.
[Thumping] All we have to do is find a weak spot in this wall and we'll be free! Oh, man! Dick, I can't see the moon anymore.
No, Harry.
That's because I just dislodged a boulder that closed up the shaft.
To keep the air supply from getting out! That's clever.
Reporter on Tv: and our early information is that rescue efforts are underway.
Heh, I do not get it.
How can anybody be stupid enough to fall into a hole? I don't know.
You'd have to be a complete moron.
I know.
It's like, uh Doy-De-Doy-De-Doy hey! What's down there?! Oh, my god! I fell! No, no, it was like this.
It's like bidde-doode-deede.
Eeh! Eeh! Oh, god, no! Reporter: repeating our information that the trapped men have been identified as Dick and Harry Solomon.
Oh, my god.
It's Dick and Harry.
I know.
They announced that, like, 5 minutes ago.
All right, let's take another question.
Woman: over here.
How much is this rescue costing? Uh, that information could compromise the rescue effort.
Yeah, is it true that most cavern formations in this area are sedimentary rock? That information will be released on a need-to-know basis.
Uh, follow-up? Yeah, you don't know anything, do you? At this time, I cannot confirm or deny what exactly it is that I don't know.
No more questions.
Thank you.
Don, what's happening? Sally, there's great news.
Oh, you got them out of the hole.
Even better.
We've got the world's foremost hole expert to take on the case.
What's a hole expert? [Scottish accent] A hole expert is the man who reaches down into god's caverns and plucks out what lives and breathes and ought not to be there.
Who are you? The name's Angus McDUFF, but if you want my attention, you'll call me the hole.
Isn't that a great nickname, Sally? He fights holes, and they call him "the hole.
" Doesn't that get a little confusing? No problems yet.
No, but I mean, you wouldn't call a fireman "fire," or a lifeguard "water," right? I'm not a nickname expert, I'm a hole expert.
Fine, let's just deal with the hole.
You are dealing with the hole.
No, I mean the hole my brothers are in.
He's not a financial advisor, he's a hole guy.
You see, I knew this would happen.
Listenhole, we've got ropes, pulleys, uh-- put away your playthings, officer Don.
The only tool I need right now is this cup of tea.
Thank you.
A cup of tea? Mm-Hmm.
What's the battle plan? Well, first of all, I'll build a clay model of the hole, and we'll proceed from there.
The entire procedure should take about 4 hours.
Oh, great.
They'll be out in 4 hours.
No, no, no, no, no.
We'll have a clay model in 4 hours.
Are you kidding me? Listen, lassie.
I've faced holes all over the world.
From your basic straight-Up-and-downer, to your wily corkscrew.
There was a hole in Manchester.
I'm still puzzling over that one.
The point is, you don't beat the hole until you learn to think like the hole.
So, is that you thinking or the hole thinking? This was never confusing before.
It's you.
Hey, uh, kid, would you take our picture in front of the hole? No, that's my father and uncle down there.
Hey, that's his family in the hole.
How about you let us take one of you? Of me? I'll give you3 bucks.
You know what? This is good.
In fact, I've been waiting for this moment since we arrived on this planet.
You've been waiting to fall in a hole? This, Harry-- this is the true test of a high commander.
I could've pushed you in a hole a long time ago.
Harry, listen to me.
There's only so much air down here.
So, before you take a breath, think about whether you're doing it out of habit, or if you really need the oxygen.
Well, mostly it's out of habit, but-- [Breathes in through his nose] That time I felt like I needed the oxygen.
Now, because of the cave in, they have no way of getting us food and water, which we will need to survive.
But we'll be absolutely fine, as long as we don't panic.
What'd you do that for? I had to.
You were panicking.
Mary: oh, Nina, I feel so bad, Dick being trapped in that hole.
It's another example of when bad things happen to good people.
It's not a great example.
We're ready for you, ma'am.
My god, I'm so-- I'm so upset, I hope I don't cry.
Oh, you'll be fine.
You rolling? We're here live on the scene with Dick Solomon's girlfriend, Mary Albright.
Can you tell us how you're feeling right now? Well, when I heard the terrible news-- I mean, Dick is so-- a tragedy like this-- my hopes and my prayers-- that he be in my arms again-- [Laughing hysterically] Thank you, Dr.
Back to you, john.
Oh, my god.
Hey, at least you didn't cry.
for a picture? It's kind of out of my price range.
Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We do have some lower-Priced options.
For 6.
50, you can have your picture taken with the Solomons' actual landlady.
How do you do? Ok.
Oh, it's wonderful to be back on the legitimate stage.
Now, as you can see, the hole isn't stable enough to excavate, so we'll have to build a side shaft-- that's a second hole-- right next to it.
We dig down here and come in from the side.
Another hole? Mm-Hmm.
Among our problems here is not a lack of holes.
You are getting into my head.
Please, do not get into my head.
You know, I could dig these guys out quicker with a plastic spoon.
Oh, yes, I'd like to see you try.
Listen, you earl-Grey-loving freak you have exactly 3 seconds to come up with a plan I like, or I am going to take over this whole hole operation.
Right, that's it! I can't work like this.
What I do is an art, and I will not be second-Guessed by some big Blondie.
I don't even have to be here, you know.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
There was a hole in buffalo wanted me.
A big one.
Kansas offered me a five-hole deal.
You do as you jolly well please.
I will be in my trailer.
He has a trailer? Lollipop lollipop oh lolli lolli lolli lollipop lollipop oh lolli lolli lolli lolli--how's the rest of that song go again? Lollipop.
Right! Lollipop lollipop-- will you shut up? It's bad enough you got us stuck down here without having to listen to you sing about my favorite food on a stick.
I didn't get us stuck down here.
Oh, no? Well, who ordered the pizzas? Who didn't fill up the car with gas? Who fell into the hole first and caused a cave-in? You! Exactly! You! You know, anytime anything goes wrong, it's always my fault.
Finally, you admit it.
That's not what I'm saying.
You're saying you're tired, you're hungry.
You're terrified of being down here, and you're waiting for me to lead you out.
Well, I'm doing my best! You're just sitting there, happy as an idiot in idiotland on idiots-get-in-free day.
Ok, there's no such land, and I would know-- Harry, shh! Please! I need silence to think.
Thank you.
Oh, Dick! Look what I-- my god, you don't stop! It never ends with you people.
What are those? Just some, uh, m&Ms that I forgot I had in my jacket.
But, uh that's Ok.
You-- you go on thinkin'.
That's right.
M&Ms? The candy that melts in your mouth.
But not in your mouth.
Look, just hand them over.
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm just too big of an idiot to figure out how to get this bag all the way over to you.
As high commander, I order you to give me those m&Ms.
Oh, order! Look, up there, you might be high commander, but down here, you're just some sweaty guy looking for a handout.
Harry, you are disobeying a direct order, and you will-- shh! Please! Thank you.
Sally! What's going on? I heard you locked horns with the hole, and now he won't come out of his trailer.
So? Build a model of his trailer and figure out a way to get him out.
Sally, you've got to apologize to him.
Apologize? I'm not apologizing to him.
Don, remember how hard it was for me to apologize to you when I took your squad car out for a joyride and crashed it into that barn? You never did apologize for that.
Well, that's 'cause it wasn't my fault.
Oh, right.
Plus, we don't need him.
I have a plan.
You do? Yeah, I'm gonna flood the hole with 3,000 gallons of water, and then Dick and harry'll just float to the top.
What if they don't float? Well then they're witches.
Know how I like to eat these? I like to suck 'em till the "m" comes off.
Then I crack 'em open, eat the chocolate part first, save the shell for a light dessert.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to control me.
You know, it's not just the green ones.
They all make me horny.
Well, it's not gonna work.
I'm the high commander, see? And you'll never, ever take that away from me.
You understand? Never.
What are you doing? I'm digging a hole to china.
China! China! China! Now you snap out of it, Dick.
We're not going to china today or any other day, all right? Now it's time to face facts.
You're stuck in a hole, and you've got to come to terms with that.
But I can't! I can't! I'm not made of the right stuff.
Cut it out.
I said I'm not made of the right stuff.
Oh, Harry.
How do you do it? Do what? How do you keep from cracking under such inhumane conditions? Teach me, Harry.
Teach me to be more like you.
Well, it's powerful stuff.
Once you accept it, there's no going back.
You ready to proceed? All right.
All right.
Now let me bring you inside my mind.
Now picture yourself on a serene mountaintop, clear blue sky, sun shining, a cool breeze blowing through the wildflowers.
I see it.
Nowtake away the flowers breeze sky mountaintop.
Now what do you see? Nothing.
And that's what's in my head all the time.
Oh, my god, Harry.
It's beautiful.
Sometimes on a warm night, I put the breeze back in.
No, no, no.
That's for later.
Oh, check this out.
I'm thinking of starting to sell a new official line of t-shirts.
What's this? It's a hole.
I cut a hole into the t-shirt to commemorate this amazing business opportunity- slash-Tragedy.
So, what do you think? It's stupid.
Tommy, first of all, there's a big hole right there.
You'd be able to see my bra.
That's no problem.
Just don't wear the bra.
[Clears throat] Hole? Hole! What do you want, lassie? Well, I just want to say that I'm that I'm regretful, yeah.
That I--that I have regrets, which I'm full of.
That was truly hard for you, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, it was hard.
Good, cheerio.
No, wait, hole.
Hole, come back, I-- look, I need you! Oh, so you need me? Look, I am a take-charge kind of gal, Ok, but I think this time I'm in just a little over my head.
So I'm just gonna step aside, Ok? You're the expert, and-- and? And you're brilliant.
And? Aw, come on, man.
And? And you're one of the 50 sexiest men on earth.
Ok, more of that later.
Now I must descend.
Whilst you dilly-dallied, the hole has gotten stronger.
Hey, can I tag along? You know, I really want to learn from the best.
All right.
You can come with me.
But one word of caution-- when we get to the bottom of that hole, whatever you do, don't look up.
You know, it's a funny thing, Harry.
You spend your days aboveground completely unenlightened, but then you fall into a hole, and suddenly the whole world opens up to you.
Dick? Yes, Harry.
Why don't you let me teach you how to blow that breeze through your head now.
Oh, all right, Harry.
But let me just finish this point.
A hole is like a looking glass in that-- Harry! Dick! Oh, my god, you're alive! Hi, Sally.
Hello, my dapper friend.
You're always welcome here.
What are you guys doing just sitting there? You're free.
Come on, let's go.
Not so fast.
Sally, we're not going anywhere.
This is our home now.
What? Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
I've seen this all before.
It's a variation of the Stockholm syndrome.
They've been down here for so long, they've actually fallen in love with their captor the hole.
They've fallen in love with you? No, not me.
This hole.
Now, we'll have to deprogram them very gently.
It could take weeks.
Aw, screw that noise.
Get your idiot selves up there.
Do you know how hard I worked to get you out? Sally hole.
Sally, you're a natural.
Join me.
We could travel the world, pulling people out of holes together.
Oh, that sounds tempting.
Hey, could I have a nickname, too? Well, I see no reason you also couldn't be called the hole.
I'm gonna pass on that one.
Ok, Ok, fine.
You know something, I think everybody could learn a lot about themselves if they just fell into a hole once in a while.
What did you learn, Dick? I learned that the best leader is only as good as the people he surrounds himself with.
That's beautiful.
I also learned that inner peace is a beautiful thing, but even more so is running water, onion rings, and having someplace to pee.
Hey, here's something weird.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is actually give up power.
Which is why I am relinquishing some of my power to Harry.
Whoa, really? Since you did such a good job in the hole, Harry, from now on, whenever we're in a hole, you can be the high commander.
I'm the high commander of holes.