3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Indickscretion

Oh, look! That sexy new French film opened.
They shot it two years ago, but had to wait until the actress was of legal age.
Yeah, I saw that movie yesterday.
Hey, how was it? I heard there was an awesome shower scene.
Oh, yeah.
But then this naked girl got in, and you could barely see the shower.
I'm taking Mary to the 6:00 showing.
Big Don and I are going to the 6:00.
Well, maybe we should join you.
Oh, that would be great.
Does Mary have to come? Of course she does, Sally.
She's my girlfriend.
She's paying.
Fine, but do me a favor this time.
When we get to the theater don't yell "Fire!" just to see what everybody will do; it's my turn.
Agreed.
Well, family, I'm off to work.
[in unison] See you later.
Fire! Fire! [screaming panic] [laughing] It's never not funny.
That guy's got a million of 'em.
Yeah, and they're all that one.
Hey, Tommy, you know, I meant to ask you, now that you have graduated, I guess your mission as a high-schooler is pretty much over, huh? Yeah, that's true.
On to the next phase.
Aw, menopause.
No, Harry, he's talking about college.
College? No, I've had enough of classes and schedules.
I'm gonna do my own thing.
It's time to go out on the road, where life is a question mark, where you-- [Sally and Tommy] "Make no promises--" "follow no plans and careen across the nation plucking experiences like grapes off the vine.
" Yeah, well, I can't be original yet.
But I'm sure that Kerouac was pretty boring before he went out on the road.
And that's what I'm gonna do: follow my wanderlust.
Well, I'm going with ya.
Because I, too, have a wanderlust inspired by a different book.
You do? Indeed.
And one day far from here, you and I will point our fingers at that bespectacled man with the sock hat and proudly say, "There's Waldo!" Harry, Waldo's a fictional character.
Ah, then it will be that much sweeter.
when we find him.
Nina, what are you looking for? It's Wednesday, and Dr.
Solomon get's all bent out of shape if the angry eyes aren't in his Mr.
Potato Man.
You shouldn't have to do things like that for Dick.
That's degrading.
And it's not degrading to go out with him? Nina, it's Wednesday.
Where are the angry eyes? Oh, there they are.
Hi, Dick.
Oh, Mary, would you like to go to the movies tonight, just you and me? That sounds like fun.
And Don and Sally? That sounds like less fun.
Oh, come on, Mary, come with us.
And bring your big purse, 'cause I'm poppin' corn for four.
All right.
But don't bring that walker.
I'm not gonna try and get you a senior citizen discount again.
All right.
If your dignity is worth $2 to you, then fine.
Fine.
[laughing] That was good.
Oh, I gotta tell ya, hombre, going out with you and Dick was not quite the spike in the forehead I thought it was gonna be.
And to pay for all our movie tickets, that was just above and beyond.
Oh, well, Dick convinced me that was the thing to do when he grabbed my credit card and paid for everybody.
Oh, that reminds me, Mary, I'll be needing that card back sometime after dessert.
Hey you guys, why don't we do this again Saturday night? Oh, great idea.
How 'bout it, Mary? Why not? Don? Well, I'll be on duty.
[disappointed groans] But I can make it.
Hey, hey, how about that movie? Oh, I know! That couple had so much passion for each other.
That's how my Donny makes me feel when he looks into me eyes.
Aww I dunno, I thought a few of those love scenes were a little gratuitous.
Mary, I'm surprised you're so prudish.
Especially since she's such a hellcat between the sheets.
Dick! No, it's true.
What Mary does to my back with her nails is art.
Oh, stop it.
Stop it? Stop it? That's something you'll never hear her say under the sheets.
Wait, wait, hold on, not to take anything away from you all, right, but my guy's no slouch in the sack, either.
Now remember, Don's a public servant.
He stays 'til the job gets done.
Sally, please.
Hey hey! Hey, Donny.
You know, until I met Don, I had no idea you could get a cramp in your boobs.
Oh, you can.
Well, Mary likes to chase me around the bed wearing nothing but a tribal fertility mask and a small square of burlap.
Guess where? Not there.
Hey, how about the check? Huh, maybe I should get-- I'm gonna go get the check.
Oh, there's my cleaning lady.
Oh, man, look at this place.
See, this is the kind of authentic Americana that you don't find in Rutherford.
Nope, only if you stand on our toilet and look out our bathroom window.
What do you say to a cup of joe and a hunk of pie? I say, "Hello, pie.
" What am I, with the rain man? Where the money? I thought we had more money than this.
Well, I thought I had smaller holes in my pockets, but hey, that's what life on the road is all about.
You know? Discovery.
So then, what, are we completely tapped out now? No, you know what? This is good.
This is good news, Harry.
This is how stories are born.
Yeah, I feel like Kerouac strolling into Bakersfield, broke, looking to make some walkin' money.
And I feel like Waldo.
At the beach, poking out from behind that cabana.
Hi, Phil.
Can I help you boys? You sure can, Phil.
My friend and I here haven't had a hot meal for a good two hours.
We're hungry drifters.
That we are, and we'd be willing to work for our two squares a day.
I'm pretty handy, and my friend here, um, can draw fanciful caricatures of your patrons.
Fanciful caricatures.
That look familiar? It's a square with "Phil" written inside it.
Keep it.
Man, my hair can do no wrong today! Morning, Sally.
Hey.
Say, Sally, last night when we were out with Don and Mary, did you notice anything strange? You mean the way they acted all weird when we talked about how good they are in bed? No.
No, the way they didn't say anything about how good we are in bed.
Hey, you're right! I mean, what kind of freaks don't openly discuss their lover's sex moves in public? It's crazy, no? Yeah.
I mean, we talked about everything.
I mean, politics, money Don's friend Cyrus from high school.
Oh, and Albright got really passionate about electric cars.
She hates 'em.
Yeah, so what's wrong with talking about sex? We'd just seen a whole movie about it.
I know.
You see it everywhere.
Magazines, billboards, music videos.
The whole planet revolves around it, but when it comes to praising my attributes as a lover, Mary is bizarrely silent.
Well, Don wasn't exactly beating the drum for me, either.
Think that's cause there's nothing to talk about? Oh, are you saying we're no good in the sack? [laughs] [in unison Oh my God! I stepped hopeful out of a dank shoebox attic in Rutherford, Ohio in the wheat-swept breadbasket of America.
America, and now I dwell in a grease-marked palace of drills spills and guys named, "Phil.
" All right.
I'm famous.
So Phil, tell me your story.
What brought you to this gas station? Was it the call of the open road? The never-ending circus of passing strangers? Well, I didn't graduate from high school, and then my dad died.
That's a tragic story.
I'm so jealous.
[bell ringing] Well, Harry, we should get back to work.
Help me put these tools away.
All right.
Mind if I grab a smoke? Mind if I quit smoking? You know, I love this kind of work.
Clears my head.
Real.
Tools.
Not afraid to get your hands dirty.
Oh my God, what is this stuff? This doesn't come out, does it? It's okay.
[bell ringing] Oh.
Phil, do you have any club soda? Well, hello there, honky tonk angel.
Anyone ever tell you that you're pretty enough to be on one of them naked ladymud flapsmudflaps? Anyone ever tell you to check under the hood and then drove right over you? I get it, you want full service.
Uh-oh.
Mind if I smoke? Does this tape work on metal? 'Cause my gun barrel's kinda loose.
Officer, I've only got one thing.
Would you mind if I went in front of you? Oh, sure thing.
Oh, excuse me.
Mary! embarrassed laughter] Hi.
How are ya? What a surprise.
Isn't this crazy? How are ya? Good, good.
Good seeing you the other night.
Very.
Yeah.
Good.
Anyway.
It was kind of bizarre.
Yeah.
And what Sally said about how attentive you are in bed, I What Dick said about that burlap square, I just can't get that picture of you naked out of my head.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
What Sally said about you keeps playing in my head on a loop.
"Don stays until the job gets done.
"Don stays until the job gets done.
Don stays until the job gets done.
" Tell me about the mask, Mary.
Is it red? Is it red? With pointy horns.
Holy mama.
Next.
Oh, oh.
Price check.
I don't know her.
Good evening.
Table for four, please.
Smoking or non-smoking? That's what we're here to find out.
Why the hell are we out again? It was nothing.
Just relax.
You think they know? Shh.
Don't be silly.
Come on, Mary.
Ah, something smells good.
Ah, they bake their own bread.
Oh boy.
It really smells.
Nice.
Yeah, it sure does.
So, Don, Mary, are Sally and I good in bed? It starts.
I think Don and I would prefer to talk about bread.
Is that true, Don? Or the butter.
Fine, yeah, we'll talk about bread.
Is Irish soda bread really all-- Oh, I can't do it! There's something the two of you won't tell us.
We already know what it is, so what is it? Dick, I haven't the faintest idea-- Mary and I kissed.
Aw, geez.
You what? You what? Well, it wasn't completely our fault.
You lit the wick.
What can I say? Good way to soften the blow.
Yeah, nice blow softener.
Admit it, Mary, you kissed because we're inadequate.
That's not it.
Come on, Sally, let's leave these thoroughbreds alone in their stables.
Yeah, the big stud and his feisty little broodmare.
Mary, pay for dinner yourself.
Here is you credit card.
This place looks great.
You didn't have to do this, Tommy.
Ah, well, yeah, I have trouble writing in a cluttered environment.
So I inventoried the tires and I composted these old sandwiches and I stacked these oil cans.
Okay.
Oh, and I put all the dirty magazines in black shrinkwrap.
Who asked you to do that? [bell ringing] I'll get that.
Where's Harry? [bell ringing constantly] We gotta business to run, man, what are you doing? You didn't recognize the theme to Beverly Hills Cop? Look, here, try this one, all right? [bell ringing] Here I am, rock you like a hurricane.
Come on, we gotta get back to work.
Folks, I apologize.
He's new here.
Harry, we still on for later? We're meeting at the road house.
Yeah, the band can't wait for you to sit in with 'em.
Oh yeah, just gotta find an amp for my hose.
All right.
Later.
All right, we'll see you guys later.
[bell ringing] Who was that? Oh, that's Amber and Duke.
She's a pole dancer and he's a pole repairman.
Nice couple.
Hey, we're going out later on.
You wanna come with us? No, I've got a lot to do tonight.
I've got inventory and receipt totals.
I'm gearing up for that tire recall.
Are you sure? I could cover for you if you want to go out and have some fun.
Harry, do you think that Kerouac went out drinking and having adventures with rowdy characters? It says right here-- I haven't had time to read it yet.
Well, that's too bad, because you have to kiss a man.
You know, normally I'd twist Albright's head off like a bottle cap for kissing my man, but tonight I just don't have it in me.
Oh, who can blame them? After years of wandering in a carnal desert, they finally stumbled on the sweet oasis of each other.
My poor Donny, having to fake it all these years.
Maybe I try to be too creative.
Insisting that we make love on the beach.
In an elevator.
In that office supply store.
Maybe I was just too forceful, too spontaneous.
And I thought that showing up in a see-through cacamisoleosile and a thong was all I needed.
Endless hot-oil massages.
A leather halter and a sparkly platinum wig.
Stallion-like endurance.
Yoga.
Yoga? In bed? Tell me about it.
Only if you tell me what kind of stallion you are.
A great, big one.
[screams] Bed flesh of my brother dinosaur in cans, in tanks, petroleum.
Petroleum.
You have so many uses.
I got nothing.
[bell ringing] Freebird.
Bye, you crazy road hogs! Wow! I like those guys.
[shouting] Nice of you boys to show up.
Where've you been? Well, about the only place we haven't been is jail.
Harry, we were in jail.
Oh, yeah, no wonder that bathroom attendant was so aggressive.
Look, can you guys help me out over here? No can do, Tommy.
Harry and I are gonna hit the open road.
Yeah, the Allman brothers are in Branson.
We got no choice.
We're Allman-heads! What, you-- you can't go! Phil, you have to run the gas station.
I'm not like you, Tommy.
I don't want to run a gas station the rest of my life.
Well, neither do I! Well, then come with us! I don't wanna do that, either! If I go with you, I know in two weeks, I'll just end up managing the Allman brothers.
And at this stage in their career, that's just not smart.
Well, what are you gonna do? I'm too organized.
I'm too driven.
I need to learn how to be irresponsible.
I need to go to a place where my potential won't shine through and I can just vege out.
Does such a place exist? Yeah, it does.
I'm going to college.
Another coffee? And bring the pot.
I gotta lay low for a while.
Hello, Don.
Sally! You look dressed to kill.
No, Don, I'm dressed to win you back! Huh? Look, come on.
I know my curvy boobiness can't compare with Albright's mousy charms! Is this a trick? Because, you know, I can get backup just like that.
Oh, see, that's just it, Don! I don't have any tricks.
But I want to learn.
I want to satisfy you.
So I kissed Albright, and you wanna satisfy me.
Oh, yes, please help me, Don.
Well, I might be willing to teach you, butit will be rigorous.
I'll wear my leather halter and sparkly wig.
And we're back.
[Mary] Dick? Are you out there-- Dick.
We've got to talk.
Uh-uh.
Oh, what're you doing? Are you giving me the silent treatment? I invented the silent treatment.
Why talk? Talk just ruins everything.
One or two slightly colorful turns of phrase, can make a man dump a woman, a woman throw over the love of her life, and a brilliant college professor kiss his own sister.
Your sister? I'm not talking.
Oh, Dick, what I did was wrong, and I'm really embarrassed.
But there's a reason why people's personal lives are personal.
I guess I better watch what I say.
No, I don't want you to censor yourself.
I love 80% of what comes out of your mouth.
But let's keep what's special between us between us.
So you don't love Don? I don't even like Don.
Oh, Mary.
Did you bring the mask? No.
Oh, good, that thing never did anything for me.
Oh.
It was the burlap.
Closed-Captioned by J.
R.
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