3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick'll Take Manhattan (1)

Ugh! I am so bored! Me, too.
Well, what do we do when we're feeling bored? Whine? Squirm? No, we take out the Solomon family rainy-day fun book.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! I forgot we had that.
Let's have a look, shall we? We can come up with an idea for something fun to do.
Now, let's see We've done video arcades, airport bar, Shetland pony rides.
Tiny horses.
That was so cool.
Yeah.
It's fun to read this book.
Reading this book in this book? Yes, but stop interrupting.
Now, here's two things we haven't experienced.
Visit a parallel universe or rent go-karts.
Wait.
Visit a parallel universe? How is that possible? Simple.
We just use the time/space portal in the closet.
Okay, here's my concern.
Do they get angry if you drive the go-karts off the track? Wait.
So you mean to tell me that we are living another existence in another place? Actually, Sally, everyone exists in every possible place at every possible time.
W-w-wait a second.
That means that somewhere right now I'm driving go-karts.
All right.
Let's go! Well, what-- what about Tommy? Leave him a note.
Oh.
Am I okay to go dressed like this? You're fine.
Anyway, I'm sure they have a Gap there.
Sally! Okay, I'm so excited! Here we go! Who am I kidding? There's no portal to another dimension in the closet.
Oh Oh It's in the shower.
Whoo-hoo! Yes! I want to go to Wisconsin! Anywhere in West New York.
This is fantastic! Dick, you look great! Oh, so do you! Oh! And look at Harry! Oh, my God, we've got towels.
Hey, look, there's more.
[gasps] Look at this place.
We must be doing incredibly well in this parallel universe.
It is so open and airy.
Yeah, we should get some cattle.
Guys, guys, look at this! [horn honks] There's a New York taxi and a New York bus.
[gasps] I can see the Empire State Building.
Look at the sidewalks jammed with people of every conceivable ethnic background.
Hot damn, we're in Vegas! [jazz] New York City.
My kind of town.
It's the city by the bay.
Gateway to the west.
The Aloha State.
Motown.
[phone rings] [beep] [Dick] Hello, you've reached the Solomon residence.
This is Dick Solomon, attorney-at-law.
Please leave a message at the beep.
[beep] [Woman] Dick, you're due in court in an hour.
Good luck.
[beep] Did you hear that? I have an answering machine! And I'm a lawyer! Of course! We have whole new lives here.
Yeah, and we've got to play along.
I've got to go to court.
Ooh, I got to go shopping.
Mm, I'm gonna get a pretzel.
Look, here are your coats.
Ooh, cool! I can't wait to see the look on Mary's face when she finds out that I'm a lawyer.
Hold on a second.
Albright's here? Oh, I'm sure she is.
A love like ours transcends all dimensional limitations.
Maybe you'll meet some people you know too.
Cool.
Really? Oh, yeah.
But F.
Y.
I.
, they may have made different life choices in this universe.
MmI see what he's saying.
You see, in this world Officer Don could be an old Vietnamese woman.
No, Harry, they'll have the same bodies.
Dick's just saying they'll probably all be gay.
Oh, no, no, no.
General, allow me.
You've served your country bravely.
It's the least I can do.
Go on, get in there.
I got to find out where the courthouse is.
Excuse me.
Sir, could you give me some directions? You must be from out of town.
No, no.
I breathe New York.
I know this island like the back of my hand.
Then why do you need directions? I meant, do you need directions? I am so sick of people coming in from out of town and not knowing how to get to the courthouse! Are you sure you're from this planet? Taxi.
Sally.
Sally! Harry! Heads up, guys.
New Yorkers can be curt.
Um, okay, you guys, doesn't that guy by the newsstand look a lot like Tommy? Guys! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Oh, my God.
You came! So you got our note? Your note? No, I just come to this parallel dimension all the time.
Mostly mid-week.
The theater prices are cheaper, and you miss the bridge and tunnel crowds.
Is this thing hard to do? I fell right into it.
I got myself a really nice gig in midtown.
Listen, Tommy, I'm due in court, and I don't know how to get to the courthouse.
I got to go to work too.
You can share my cab.
If you got time, I'll show you where the peepshows moved after they cleaned up Times Square.
Tommy, I am an attorney! But, yeah, all right.
Whoa! Check it out, Sally.
You write a column for the newspaper.
Oh, my God! And I'm hotter here, if that's possible.
Look.
"The two-hour orgasm.
" I wrote that.
I got to get cracking on tomorrow's column, baby.
Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What about me? I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just watch TV like I do back home? I always get left out.
[horn beeps] Mr.
Solomon, Scott's back from the Hamptons, and he wants to talk.
It's urgent.
Outstanding.
What do I do? Just, uh, play the game.
I don't know how.
Hey, Sally, how will I know if this guy I met at power yoga is the marrying type? Uhthe sex will be good? Oh, that's awesome.
Thanks.
Come on, Mr.
Solomon.
It's time to go.
Oh, yes, I suppose it is.
Oh, just get in the car.
[Saturday Night Live theme plays] Hi, man.
Hey, can you get this for me? Thanks.
Kenny.
Hey, can I get a bagel? Thanks.
Toby.
Hey, can we go easy on the wigs this week? It's drying out the scalp.
Hey, thanksTara.
Tara.
Tracy! What's up, man? Hey, can we talk for a second? Yeah.
Hey, listen, um, Tommy, man, I don't need to study these lines, man.
You know what I'm saying? That works for you, right? But me? All I got to do is cultivate that little "Oops, I messed up" giggle.
[giggles] Then America's gonna be loving me too, so what's up? Look, I know it's been a little weird between us recently, what with me getting all the attention and you sort of shoved into the background.
It does seem a little unfair, you know? 'Cause I been here since '97.
You know what I'm saying? And you been here, what, a month? But it doesn't matter what they think out there.
What matters is that Saturday Night Live is an ensemble piece.
You understand? Yeah, you know I always felt that way, you know? I guess I'm a big sucker, huh? No! No! It is still an ensemble piece.
We are all equal, and we are gonna maintain that tradition.
Are you with me there? Yeah.
Good.
Tommy, I'm with you.
All right.
Good.
Let's rehearse.
Put on the hamburger head.
Yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Now, that's really funny, man.
Here.
This way.
Hello Is this where I'm supposed to be? It's about time, counselor.
Nina! You will address me with the proper respect.
I am the Honorable Judge Campbell.
You go, girlfriend.
[bangs gavel] Counselor kindly proceed with your summation.
Eh, with my what? Oh, uhright, with my summation.
We sit here in this court of law, we, with our fragile sense of right and wrong.
It's so easy to play judge and jury, especially when you are a judge and a jury.
Get on with it, counselor.
By all means, Your Honor.
Now, I could poke holes in the prosecution's argument, but I won't.
That's cheap.
Now, I'm not here to ask you for an acquittal, and I'm not here to ask you to listen to your conscience, no.
I am only here to demand that you recognize that I am the most brilliant trial lawyer that you have ever seen.
And I thank you.
He's done it again! Counselor! Your Honor, may I approach the bench? Do you happen to know a, uh, Mary Albright? Is this another witness you're planning on calling? Could be.
Are you buddies with her? Get out! I'm sorry.
I've never been in an elevator that fast before.
"Harry Solomon, network president.
" Is this true? Yes.
[shouting] Then what the hell are you people doing in my office? Harry, we need some creative counterprogramming fast.
ABC's got a major hit with Who Wants to Be a Turkish Prisoner? Well, that might be good for ABC, but that's not who we are.
We're about quality, all right? I want this network to be about families and violence and as much sex as we can get away with.
All right, let's get busy.
I didn't waste all those hours watching TV for nothing.
You mind if I move a few of these around? You're gonna change the schedule? Oh, no, no.
Not change.
Save.
[Harry] All right.
Hey, you know what I'd like to see? A whole night of Will & Grace.
Wouldn't you? Brilliant! Hey, better yet, why don't we make one night Will, one night Grace? So I've come to the conclusion that New York is the sexiest city in the world, from sexy Bronx to sexy Brooklyn.
It's the city that never sleeps.
Unless it rolls over and passes out after sex.
Ooh, Dick, I just wrote something so great! Don! You're here.
I can't believe it.
Yeah, finally.
Crosstown traffic was a bitch.
Jeffrey.
Yeah? It's me.
Close 5th Avenue and the bridge.
Oh, and tell Puff Daddy I'm gonna be late for lunch.
Don, you're so different.
How do you mean? Oh, nothing.
I'm just--pff-- a little overwhelmed.
I mean, I thought you were hot in a uniform, but this is way better.
When I was in uniform? I've never worn a uniform in my life.
Oh, no, I know that.
I just meant like, you know, your tie and suit.
Although you wear the-- You don't wear the same thing every day, so it's not a unif-- Sally! Are you going nuts on me? Listen.
I want a girlfriend.
I don't want a nut.
I want a nut, I go to the nut store.
Jeffrey.
Is everything okay, Mayor Orville? I'm leaving.
Mayor Orville? Mayor of New York City Orville? Oh, my God, I'm the girlfriend of the mayor.
Good-bye, Sally.
No, no, no! Don, please don't go.
Listen.
If I get a little crazy, it's just that I miss you so much, you know? Mr.
Mayor.
Mr.
Big City in the palm of his hand.
Well half-hour.
Ooh! New York is so fantastic.
I have the coolest job.
Don's here.
Plus, he's mayor.
I've never been happier.
That sounds wonderful.
I'm thrilled for you.
Seriously.
Thrilled.
Are you really? No! What are you, crazy? I'm depressed.
I want to go home.
I haven't found Mary yet.
Oh, you'll find her.
No, I've looked everywhere.
I've checked the faculties at NYU and Columbia.
I even tried the Staten Island Academy of Beauty.
No Mary Albright.
Although they almost talked me into their $4 perm.
Look, Dick, why don't you just try to find somebody else? I looked, but $4 is a very competitive price for a perm.
Okay, let me give you a little piece of advice.
You only have yourself to blame for being miserable.
I can't help it.
I'm having a real problem with this whole experience.
It's so so superficial.
Oh, God.
No, I miss Mary.
I miss love.
Love is real.
No, sex is real with or without love.
Granted, sex without love has its place-- usually at a party under a pile of coats-- but life without true love is completely meaningless.
Okay, Dick, we're in New York.
Why don't you just lighten up? I don't want to lighten up.
Why is it that we need to constantly distract ourselves from life's deeper concerns? Oh, my God, look at those shoes.
Terrific, I'm talking philosophy with Ivana Trump.
Look, I got to see a new client.
I'll talk to you later.
Here's the place.
[easy listening] Leon, what are you doing here? I work here, buddy.
Shouldn't you be in class? School's off.
It's a national holiday.
It's Sammy "The Bull" Gravano's birthday! Are you Solomon? Strudwick! Yes.
Father Strudwick.
I'm the one who called you.
Father Strudwick? You mean you're a priest? I need your help.
I've been accused of embezzling donations.
You thief! You horrible, horrible pilferer! Hey! Hey, pipe down.
[plays intro] If you want the thrill of love I've been through the mill of love Old love, new love Every love but true love For sale Appetizing young love for sale If you want to buy my wares Follow me and climb the stairs Love For sale Applause is nice, but it doesn't buy the groceries.
You can tip the performers if you want.
Oh, yeah, here.
I will.
$100? I don't care what you've heard.
This will only buy you another song.
Oh, I don't want another song, Mary.
I just want to talk.
Mary.
No one calls me Mary anymore.
My stage name is Kiki Li.
Soyou're an actress in New York City? That's wonderful! Well, I'm between jobs at the moment.
Well, I guess it's good to rest up.
You know, a girl comes to New York City willing to do anything to become a star, and once she's done all those things and she's still not a star, what's left? It doesn't matter that you're not famous.
I like you just the way you are.
Dressed like a slut.
Watch your language.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I've been called a lot worse and the tip was a lot smaller.
But, hey, I'm bringing the party down.
This is a party, isn't it, handsome? Oh, yes.
Yes, it's a party, all right, because I've finally found you.
Yeah.
Let's have fun.
Fun is fun, right? I'm a lawyer.
Lorne? Oh, hi, Tommy! This is a surprise! What are you doing at Lorne Michaels' desk, sweetie? Well, Ana, I wanted to talk to you alone, so I sent Lorne out to get me a latte.
Oh.
Listen.
I don't think we can see each other anymore.
Oh, this is so sudden.
I mean, I thought we made such a great couple.
Well, I thought so too at first.
What do you mean at first? We've only been going out a week.
Yes, but in that week my career has exploded.
I just think that my fans would prefer to see me unattached.
Yeah.
I understand.
But, um, I'm not gonna lie to you.
This really hurts.
And I don't want it ever said that Ana Gasteyer kept Tommy Solomon locked up in a cage.
I let him run free in the wild like the bird he always longed to be.
Okay.
Well, that was a mixed metaphor, but I'll take it.
Thanks, Ana.
Heythanks for not crying.
There's a pro.
Love ya.
You do? No, not like that.
I think meeting Mary in a parallel universe has done wonders for our relationship.
It's like starting anew.
You know, it has been so great for me and Don too.
Having sex with a mayor is incredible, you guys.
I fired four people today.
What, from the network? What for? Well, they were smarter than me.
Only four? [sighs] I can't believe how quickly Mary warmed to me.
It's so easy to talk to her.
So easy to ask her out.
She's much easier here than in Rutherford.
If that's possible.
I see what you did there.
You are the professional funnyman! Well, it's New York.
Brings out the best in all of us.
Now that I've found Mary, I could stay here forever.
Wait.
Do you think we could, Dick? I'd like to propose a toast.
Here's to New York.
If you can make it there, then you don't have to go back to Rutherford.
The Solomons are staying.
Hey, hey! Whoo-hoo! Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA