3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - B.D.O.C.

You guys didn't have to do this.
We couldn't send you off to college unprepared, Tommy.
Oh, I hope we got the right kind.
Yeah, we shopped for hours.
It's beer! Ah! Not just beer, but Fake ID.
Look at you, Tommy.
The first Solomon to go to college.
You get to explore new horizons, expand your mind, and help us to further understand that curious race we call human.
Yeah, plus I don't have to live with you freaks anymore.
We're so proud.
Well, folks, say your good-byes.
We've got a long drive ahead of us.
I'll load this into the car.
Oh, gosh.
Well, take care of yourself, Tommy.
I feel like I'm gonna cry.
[sneezes] No, not cry.
All right.
Bye, our little Information Officer.
How in the world are we ever gonna replace you? Well, you know, you'll just [zapping] Who are they? Oh, we're interviewing for your replacement.
So if you could just Bye-bye, Tommy! Bye-bye.
Hi, there.
How are you? Hi, nice to see you.
[rock 'n' roll] Well, this is a very impressive resumé, Christy.
I'm hoping I can leverage my skill set to maximize the mission's effectiveness .
You hear that? She gonna something the mission's whatever.
Christy, okay.
Well, we've got some other aliens to see, but we're very interested, and we'll be in touch.
So, can we reach you with the transmitter in your head? I have a machine.
Oh, that's great.
So, Christy, how are you getting along with your body? You like the boobs? No, no, I really don't.
Mmm, yeah.
The smaller ones aren't as much fun.
Well, bye-bye.
So, what do you think, Harry? Well, I think she's our man.
Oh, she's amazing.
She's got the job.
Let's just crank through this next bunch of Bozos, 'cause we're not gonna find anybody better.
[zapping] Hi.
I'm here for the interview.
You're hired.
Oh, that's great, thank you.
I'm Bryce Canyon.
Oh, I like that.
Sally, can I talk to you for a second? Sure, I'll be right back, Bryce Canyon.
Isn't he great? I thought we were gonna hire Christy.
I hated Christy.
You didn't even ask him one question.
I think you just wanna hire him because he's a pretty boy.
Fine, you want a question? Okay.
Bryce, when can you start? Now.
That is the greatest answer to any question I have ever heard.
Well, here it is, Tommy.
Your first dorm room.
Oh hey, check this out, Dick.
These walls are real cinderblock.
Oh, I don't think so.
Dear God, they are! Oh, this must be my roommate.
His name's Joel.
I guess he's asleep.
No, I don't think he's asleep.
I think he's passed out.
Kahlua and cream.
I know he's unconscious, but I really get that kind of buddies-for-life vibe, you know? You know I was thinking with you here at college, and me back in Rutherford, this will be the first time we've been separated in-- how many missions have we been on together? Oh, dozens.
It's not gonna be the same without you, Tommy.
You were my right arm.
The one I could always turn to for good advice.
I learned a lot from you.
Well, thanks, Dick.
If you wanted to say that you learned a lot from me, too that would be fine.
UhI mean, I must've learned some things.
Well, thanks, Tommy.
Well, my friend, I'll see you in four years.
Five if you're doing it right.
Yup, magnificent.
So, Bryce, I understand you've gathered some information for us.
We're all dying to hear it.
Well, earth beings, otherwise known as humans, get around in cars, which have four wheels.
Humans have no wheels.
Yeah, we've known that for weeks, Bryce.
Why don't you tell us something we don't know? Harry.
Go on, Bryce.
Well, uh, there are only two bagpipe factories in the world.
One in Edinburgh, Scotland, New Guy, New Guy, New Guy You gotta be more specific.
What side of the road? Well, the factory's on the left side of the road-- No, it's too late now! Hey.
Please, go easy on Bryce.
I'm impressed with his work.
Exceedingly impressed.
Oops, I dropped my pencil.
Hey! Morning, everybody.
Oh, morning, Dick.
Say, have you met Bryce Canyon, our new Information Officer? Oh, hello, Tommy.
Oh, of course.
Tommy used to be our Information Officer.
He's away in college.
You would've like him.
I liked him.
Say, Bryce, we need some sunbathing information.
What do you say you grease up, hit the rooftop, and I'll check on your progress later.
Okay, great.
It's nice to have some new blood around here, huh? But it is kind of odd to see someone else sitting in Tommy's chair.
Well, it's not Tommy's chair anymore.
It's Bryce's chair.
Don't you dare say that.
That's Tommy's chair.
That'll always be Tommy's chair.
He's not dead, he's just in a different location, that's all! Just in a different location! What's wrong, Dick? I just don't want anybody sitting in the wrong chair, that's all! 'Scuze me.
Where's the roof? Oh, forget the roof.
There's a little light coming in here.
You just slide right here.
Ah, see, Harry? This is the kind of information we need.
Tommy, oh, there you are.
Dick, what the hell are you doing here? I just wanted to see how you were doing.
And who is this? UhDick, this is Cindy.
Um, Cindy, this is my dad.
Your dad.
That's cute.
See ya.
Uh, oh, all right.
Okay, see you later, Cind.
See ya later, Cind.
I think she thinks you're a dork.
Why are you here? Because I'm worried about you.
I sensed that there was something wrong.
What are you talking about? I'm having a great time.
I feel like we pressured you into going to college.
It was my idea! You mustn't be so hard on yourself.
Why don't you just forget the whole thing and come home? Dick! I want to go to college.
You could go to Pendleton.
I don't wanna go to Pendleton! You've been telling for 6 years how much Pendleton sucks.
No, but it's gotten much better.
We just painted.
I am not leaving.
Well, all right, I guess I was wrong.
[heavy sigh] You don't wanna leave, and I completely respect your desires.
I'm sorry I barged in on you.
I guess I'd better get back.
All right.
Oh, by the way, good luck on the freshman prank.
What--what freshman prank? Yeah, you know that sort of antisocial rebellious act that wreaks havoc, but makes you the most popular man on campus.
Good luck with that.
Wait, what do you mean? Like-- like putting a goldfish in the dorm water cooler? Oh, no, no.
No, no, no.
Something much more destructive than that.
You've gotta do some real damage if you wanna set the girls hearts aflutter.
I don't know.
No, I understand.
It is a risky endeavor.
Well, look at your friend Cindy.
Talking to that young rascal over there.
I wonder what sort of freshman prank he's cooking up.
You got any ideas? Only about a million.
Bryce! I've been waiting for that report on mustards for over an hour! Well, I'm still working on it, sir.
I-- Well, while you dilly-dally around, I got a pastrami and cheese here that's not getting eaten.
Now you're the Information Officer .
What's the proper mustard for my situation? Well, sir, you could try yellow, or maybe Dijon.
[falsetto] You're just guessing.
I know, I'm sorry, I-- I'm a screw-up.
I've-- I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.
Have you ever felt that way? [inhales] No.
No, but everyone's different.
Such a tough planet.
I mean-- Hey, would you help me? You know, be my mentor? Mm.
If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that Well, the first thing you gotta do is just sort of get comfortable in your own skin.
Yeah, about that.
I feel so tight.
Especially under the arms.
You know what's good for that? Vaseline.
Yean, you just lube them bad boys up, they work all day.
I'm gonna try that.
Also, little bit of advice here.
Gum can double as adhesive, but most adhesives do not necessarily double as gum.
This is great, sir.
No, no, you don't have to call me sir.
Yeah, call me Your Honor.
Your Honor.
Yeah, a little bit louder.
Your Honor! That's it.
[pounding] Okay, that should do it.
All right.
Yeah, when the chancellor comes in here tomorrow, he's gonna flip.
Oh, yeah, he'll have to flip.
Ah, flip! Oh, no wait.
What do you say, we take off the doorknob? Yeah, that'll really get his goat.
Oh, yeah, it sure will.
There we are.
Now for the signature moment.
The pulling of the fire alarm.
The fire alarm? Oh, yeah, you always gotta pull the fire alarm.
Nice touch.
[alarm ringing] Okay, Tommy, go get the toolbox and we are out of here.
Will do.
Dick, open the door.
You have-- you have the doorknob.
I know.
Oh, my God.
You planned this! You're trying to get me expelled! Bingo! [alarm continues] Dick! Dick! That's why old men wear their pants higher than young men.
That is fantastically useful.
Bryce, thank you so much for staying up tonight and helping me out with this crutch.
Well, that's my job.
Oh, you know, you're making quite a name for yourself in the organization.
Sally's Boy Wonder.
That's what they're calling you.
Who's calling me that? Sally.
Let's take a five, shall we? Let me pour you a glass of wine.
My research tells me that alcohol dulls your senses and impairs your judgment.
I had not heard that.
You know something, Bryce? If you play your cards right, I really think you have a chance to go far.
How far? All the way.
But that's just the beginning.
How can all the way be just the beginning? I like the way you think, Bryce.
But you can stop now.
Don't you want to hear the rest of my research? Ooh, I'm dying to.
But you know what? This chair isn't very comfortable.
I wanna sit where you're sitting.
Oh! No no no.
Don't get up.
What'cha got? Well, uh-- uh-- traffic lights? Green means go.
[screams] You cracked the code.
Let's celebrate.
[yelps, squeals] You know, if we're through working tonight, I think I'm gonna turn in.
Oh, no.
We're not through, Bryce.
You come back here, and you finish what you started.
I'm beginning to wonder if you care about traffic lights at all! Oh, Bryce! No! [lustful sigh] I came as soon as I heard.
Tommy! What were you thinking? You set me up, you bastard! He's been saying that all morning.
Blame Dad.
I suppose you'll be sending this good-for-nothing home with me.
Well, it is a serious offense.
Where are the expulsion forms? In your desk? I-- I could give you a leg up.
For your infraction, I am issuing a warning.
That's it, Tommy! Pack your bags! Get in the car-- [stammers] a warning? Mr.
Solomon, this is an institution of higher learning, after all.
And we don't want to stifle youthful exuberance.
A warning? Why don't you just give him a big wet kiss? Dr.
Solomon! It was only a prank.
Only a prank! You would wipe scum like this off of your campus! [chuckles] I remember my own freshman prank.
I messed with the marching band's formation, and made them spell out a dirty word.
[laughs] That's very funny.
Well, it's nothing like this.
Well, you're too kind.
What's happening here? Are you dating anyone? You know, I have a daughter about your age.
I'd love to meet her.
No, wait a minute! You know, I'm gonna call her up.
She oughtta see this.
Such attention to detail.
I love the coffee mug.
Thank you.
But the coffee mug was my idea! What? This whole thing is mine.
He had nothing to do with it! I'm the mastermind behind the freshman prank! Oh, really.
Yes! If there's anyone you should be foisting your daughter off on, it's me! Get out of here! Good day, sir! That's a picture of my daughter.
Hey, guys! What's up? Sally? Sit down.
Sally, there's been a complaint made against you by one of the employees of the mission.
Who? Bryce, do you wish to remain anonymous? Sally, Bryce feels [sighs] that you've been sexually harassing him, and he has requested that he, at no time, be left alone in a room with you.
I think that's something I'd like to discuss with Bryce privately.
Okay, I'll leave you two alone.
Harry? Would you please stay? All right.
[sighs] Bryce, look.
You're very new here.
And you must have misunderstood my professional encouragement.
I mean, a pat on your muscular back is not harassment.
Well, I looked it up.
And according to state laws, harassment is any verbal or physical overture that makes me feel uncomfortable, and I'm very uncomfortable.
Well, if you're not comfortable, you should take off your pants.
Casual Thursday.
That is it.
I don't think I can work here with Sally around.
Either she goes, or I go.
Sally? Okay.
Everything you said was true, Bryce.
I treated you like a sexy, hunky object instead of a sexy, hunky employee, and I'm sorry.
I'm the one who should go.
This is good.
The system works.
[sighs] Bye bye, Sally! See you, Harry! Bryce.
Look, it's a small universe, and we may work together again.
So I just wanna say that I've learned a really valuable lesson here, today, and well, no hard feelings.
Of course not.
In you go, you piece of meat! [zapping] We're never hiring anyone every again.
Well, with him gone, I guess you'll be wanting me to oil up and put on the Speedos.
No! No! What? I came to tell you I'm leaving! Then leave.
But I can't leave without speaking my mind.
Well, you never could.
You are making a big mistake, mister! College is not what you think it is.
Oh, it doesn't matter what I think-- It's a big, ugly machine that will chew you up and spit you out.
I don't approve of college-- You teach at a college! Oh, sure! Throw that in my face! You know what the problem with your generation is? You never had to work! Work? I work! I'm third in command on this stupid mission! [both] Oh, ha ha ha! You know, I don't even know who you are anymore! You've changed! I have not--! Oh, yes.
With your new life of learning.
Your Internet.
Your Nintendo.
Your fancy friends.
I-- MTV.
Your virtual reality.
Your-- your-- and your-- I don't even know! What are you talking about? What am I talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about! I don't want you to go! [sighs] I don't want you to go.
Come here.
Sit down.
Come on! [sighs] Why did you have to grow up? I don't know.
It's just the body I picked.
Well, I don't like it.
Parenting's hard.
You give love.
You give encouragement.
You give support.
And then, if you do a good job, they just go away.
Well, then I guess you did a pretty good job then, right? What do you mean? Parental love, at its best, it's the only love there is that inevitably leads to separation.
How do you always know these things? I'm the Information Officer.
I sent you a memo on this, years ago.
I guess I did do a pretty good job.
You all right? Yeah.
Want a beer? Sure.
[cans opening] There's beer in this room.
Nice to meet you, Joel.
Isn't this yours? No, no, no.
I was just leaving.
I'll see you on your first break.
So how did things work out with the new guy? Oh, well, he decided to pursue career opportunities elsewhere.
You came on to him, huh? Like Germany came on to Poland.
Our first Sunday night without Tommy.
Feels kind of funny, being out here without him, doesn't it? Yeah, it kinda does.
But, you know-- I'm okay with it.
After all, I've been left with two of the greatest guys I've ever been on a mission with.
[Sally and Harry] Aw [banging] Hey, guys.
[All] Hey, Tommy.
What's going on? Well, school's only an hour away, so I figured I could do my laundry here.
[all sighing] I wonder what Tommy's doin', right now? Mm.
Separating his whites.
Maybe starti'' a pre-soak.
I hope he goes easy on the bleach.
But you know Tommy.
He won't.
Closed-Captioned by JR Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA