3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Red, White & Dick

Announcer] Welcome to the Rutherdome.
Please rise for the national anthem, today being performed by That's the most pathetic wave I've ever seen.
These people are playing a dangerous game.
They've crested for far too long.
Sooner or later, they've got to crash.
O say, can you see, by the dawn's-- Hey.
Why don't you show a little respect for our national anthem, huh? What do we do, Dick? Just do what the other's are doing.
twilight's last gleaming? Who's broad stripes and bright stars Through the valley of death Oh, check it out.
The words are on the Ruther-tron.
so gallantly streaming And the rockets red glare The bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night [harmonizing] That our flag was still there O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave [harmonizing] O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? One more time! [theme] [humming] I cannot get that song out of my head.
It is, without a doubt, one of the catchiest songs I've ever heard.
As far as I'm concerned, Achy Breaky Heart is dead to me.
And now I can't get that song out of my head.
Hey, guys, check out what I found in the closet.
It's the original copy of the Declaration of Independence! No! Yeah! And it's on one of the original copies of a Rusty Burger placemat.
Look at this war-torn document, Stained with the blood and mustard of patriot's past.
It's so beautiful.
Humans have such a deep love for their country of origin.
They'd even lay down their lives for it.
Why is that? Doesn't make any sense to me.
It's not like they have any say on where they're born.
It's totally random.
Although a lot of Chinese tend to end up in China.
We're supposed to be American.
We better get with the program or it's gonna look awfully suspicious.
Tommy you study the original documents that created this country and see what's there.
Will do.
Harry you cover anthems and American epic poetry.
And you, Sally, I want you researching so much microfiche at the library, that you'll wish we we had an internet connection.
Sir, yes, sir! Godspeed.
Okay, come on, Americans, let's get over here.
Let's start with this thing.
Um blah blah blah "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal--" Wait, wait, wait.
What? "that all men are created equal.
" We're all equal? Well, that's cool.
So then for us to be the best Americans we can be, we need complete equality.
We need to share everything! The food, the land, the work.
We'll commune together.
Exactly! All right.
But first things first.
Who's in charge? No one.
That's the point.
We're all equal.
Good catch.
Do you think, like, you know, we need somebody to be in charge of equality? You know, just to make sure things stay equal? That's not a bad idea.
Just a little extra paperwork, not much glory.
But who? Harry? You into it? Me? I don't know.
It'll look good on your résumé.
Yeah! Then I'd be the guy who's in charge of equality and teaches math to inner-city school children.
Harry, you don't teach math.
Okay, so I padded it.
Mary? Just curious What would you give America on a scale of 1 to 10? I'd give it a 10.
A 10? Why? What would give it? Oh, it would be up there.
A 7 or 8.
It's not set in stone.
Wow me.
Oh, Dick, there are places in this world where you would go to jail or even worse for giving your country a 7 or an 8.
Really? America gives you so many freedoms.
I'll give it a hard 8.
I'm sorry.
I get a little passionate about this.
You know, my family came over on the Mayflower.
The Mayflower? Oh, boy.
That's right.
Neddy Albright was one of the first settlers to come to America on the Mayflower.
Nina, was you family on the Mayflower? No, we came over on a different boat.
But I'm sure we hooked up with the Albrights soon after we arrived.
Our family's a more recent arrival.
So I guess we'll never be as American as you are.
Oh, no.
You're missing the point.
We're a land of immigrants.
The Albrights founded America so that people like you who come from near and far could share in its freedoms and prosperity.
Is there such a thing as too far? Of course not.
Too many, maybe.
So we're the same.
Two Americans.
I've never felt this close to you as I do right now.
What do you say we Americans slip into the copy room and declare independence from our pants? Oh! Who, whoa, whoa.
What's with the new shoes? They're not new.
I got 'em four hours ago.
Harry? The equality leader has decided that there will be no competition in dress.
If one of us gets new shoes, we all get new shoes.
I'm down with that.
Nice job, equality leader.
Andyour sundaes are ready.
Tommy got more ice cream than me.
No, they're not! The equality leader has ruled.
Uh I--I didn't get any whipped cream.
The equality leader has ruled.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Four cherries.
How's he gonna divide that up? Your leader has ruled.
Please rise for The Pledge of Allegiance.
[All] What? What? We've never done that.
Yes, the Pledge.
Up! Up! Up! And no fancy alternate wording.
I want it preformed exactly as it appears on my laminated bookmarker.
And begin.
Where do we look? Uhpair off and look at your partners.
Don't we have to look at a flag? Uh, yes.
Of course.
Who has a flag? No one brought a flag to class? Caryn has a flag on her pants.
Oh, great.
Uh, Caryn, please remove your pants and pass them to the front of the class.
Solomon, I'm not gonna remove my pants.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're right.
That would be degrading.
Just get up on the desk.
Come on.
Up! Up! Up! Andup! And, uh And begin.
[All] I pledge allegiance to the flag-- What flag is that? of the United States of America-- Come on.
Sell it! Sell it! and to the republic-- [Dick] Hit the prepositions! "To the republic for which it stands.
" [All] one nation under God indivisible-- Invisible? Who said invisible? Leon? with liberty and justice for all.
What kind of a pledge is that? Where's the passion? Where's the enthusiasm? Ohnever mind.
Caryn, get off my desk! Hurry up.
Harry's daily address is about to start.
I don't like this.
Oh, I do.
Ever since I came to this planet, I've had to obsess over what to wear and how much to eat and how to fix my hair.
But all of a sudden, there's order again and all my decisions are made for me.
But we're losing our individuality.
Why do you say that, number 1258? Citizens of America, I am pleased to announce that things have never been more equal.
[imitates crowd cheering] Enough! I have installed intercoms throughout the apartment to better facilitate communication.
No matter what room you are in, I will hear you.
Or you can communicate with me on any and all issues of equality-- uh--uh--uh--uh And no more shoes! We will bury these shoes! That is all.
[Dick] Family meeting! Family meeting! Oh.
You all look fetching.
You really think so? I don't care.
Tommy, was the name of the ship that brought us here called the Mayflower? No, I think it was called the Z-5000.
The Z-5000-flower? Uh No, just the Z-5000.
Too bad.
You know, I had such a great time with Mary today.
In the past, there's always been this human-alien barrier.
But today, we were just two Americans.
You're Canadian.
What? Your passport here says you're Canadian.
No! How come I'm not American? Well, I thought it would look pretty suspicious if all four members of our family were from the same country.
I can't argue with that logic.
What am I gonna do? How am I gonna tell Mary that's she's sleeping with the enemy? I don't think this is four cheeses.
I think this is five cheeses.
You know who'd I'd really like to sit down and spend some time with? Who? Canadian songstress Céline Dion.
Good, Dick.
That's right.
I said Canadian.
Who knew? I didn't.
Because she's not one of those in-your-face Canadians.
She's just a normal person like you and me, onlyCanadian.
Good for her.
You know, I--I think the two of you would be great friends.
I'm sure we would.
Oh, Mary, do you mean it? No.
I don't know anything about her.
I don't listen to her music.
So her shrill Canadian voice sounds tramp-like to you? I do not have a strong opinion one way or the other.
Care for a Canadian lager? Put that away! We're at school! Fine.
Mary, this Canadian bacon is good stuff.
Would you like some? I don't think I've ever had Canadian bacon? Oh, Mary! You've been having it for the last four years! Next! Next! Hello, citizen.
How may I help you? I need toilet paper.
Today we are distributing potatoes.
But I really need toilet paper.
Well, we've got sandpaper.
I'll take a potato.
Tommy, you have to help me! I need to become an American.
Well, I'm finding America pretty oppressive these days.
I think you're lucky to be a Canadian.
These only one lucky Canadian, and his name is Peter Jennings.
If you want to be an American so badly, I'll just print you up a fake passport.
No, don't you get it, man? I've been fake for too long.
For five years, I've been pretending to be human with Mary.
But for one brief, shining moment, we were both real.
Real Americans.
I want that back.
Well, then you'll have to do it the hard way.
Apply for citizenship.
The hard way is the American way.
Tell me about it.
I'm wearing standard-issue underwear.
And guess what? It rides.
Until I get my American citizenship, I'll just be careful what I talk "aboot" around Mary.
Uh "Aboot?" Did I say "aboot?" Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been under a lot of stress, eh? Eh? Oh! So, Tommy I understand someone's not too happy with his underwear.
How did you know that? I have eyes and ears everywhere.
I'm, uh here for my citizenship.
You mean you're here to take the test? Test? Oh, no, no, no.
No, that won't be necessary.
I think I'm exempt.
I regularly "do" a woman with close ties to the Mayflower.
Really? Yes.
The Mayflower.
And yes"do.
" Yeah.
I don't think you understand.
Um, why don't you take these study materials and just come back when you're ready.
No, I'm ready now.
I've lied on my tax returns, I've been arrested, and I don't vote.
I'm a true American.
Test me.
Test me now.
Question one: How is the President of the United States elected? I know this.
He, or she-- Yeah, right-- is chosen on the basis of how physically attractive they are and their definition of adultery.
And it doesn't hurt to know Barbra Streisand.
What the hell happened to this place? A revolution.
Tommy, did you see who did this? It was me! I wanna live in a place where I can be an individual, where I can express myself freely and pursue my own happiness.
You're gonna give up America for that? Don't you see? This isn't equality, this is conformity.
The grand dream is dead.
Sally I know that you've got some history with this fella.
Me? No.
Then prove it.
Take him out.
Fine! Go ahead! Strike me down! But there are many more like me who will stand up to you, who will pick up the burning torch of freedom and hold it high in my place! And it's not a question of if or when someone picks up that torch, it's a question of who! I will! I will pick up that torch.
Sally, are you with us? I will kill you both in your sleep! Dick, are you in here? Yes.
Quilted in darkness like a tiny snow beaver on the plains of Saskatchewan.
What's wrong? There's something I haven't told you, Mary.
Oh, Dick, whatever it is, whatever you've done, you know I'll stand by you.
I'm a I'm a Canadian.
What? A Canadian.
Why were you afraid to tell me this? Because I was ashamed.
Someone with your lineage would never knowingly consort with someone whose money is 65 cents to your dollar-- on a very good day.
You hate me now, Mary.
I still love you.
You do? As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to feel a little better.
This explains almost all of your behavior.
I wanted so badly to be your American boyfriend.
I even took the citizenship test, but it was more complicated than I thought.
Oh, Dick, we Americans have a rich and storied history.
It takes time and perseverance to learn it all.
You would have aced that test.
You would have known who elects the President of the United States.
Of course I would have, darling.
It's the people.
No, it's the electoral college.
Wait--what No--Yes! The electoral college.
You didn't know that.
Oh, yes, I did.
Then tell me who becomes President if the President and Vice President both die.
Secretary of State.
Wrong! Speaker of the House! Swing and a miss! Strike two, Yankee! Why are you putting me on trial? Because I've been through hell trying to prove that I'm worthy to be here.
While you, a great American, a descendent of boat people, you know just as little about America as I do.
I know plenty! No, you don't! Neither do I! We don't know anything about this country! Isn't that wonderful? I love you, you beautiful American idiot! Go to hell, you big dumb Canuck! You know, America is such an enigma.
If you're not born here, you have to take a test to live here.
But most of the people who were born here would fail that test as miserably as I did.
So then maybe to be truly American is to be ignorant of America and to take it for granted at every juncture.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Do you know what this means? The greatest Americans in this country are sitting on this rooftop.
[Dick and Harry] And the rockets red glare The bombs bursting in air Closed-Captioned By J.
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