3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick's Ark

Mary! Mary! Let me take your picture with my cool new camera! Oh, no! Quit it! I always look terrible in those pictures.
But these are sticky! Dick, I'm trying to work here.
Why don't you take your new toy outside? Because you're in here! Let's do the many moods of Mary Albright.
Angry.
Angry.
Okay.
That's enough angry.
Let's move on to impish.
This is really annoying because you're not listening to me.
But you're not listening to me! Where's impish? You know what? We are about to get into a huge fight.
If that's the case, I better put in a new role of film.
I've got to get out of here.
All right.
So, are we on for tonight? No.
Um I--I think we should just take the weekend off.
What? Yeah, yeah.
This'll be great.
Um, let's just talk in a couple of days, and I'll have some time to myself, and you'll have some time to break your new camera.
Mary Nina! Did you hear any of that? Unfortunately, yes.
I couldn't find my Walkman in time.
So, is this the beginning of the end for me and Mary? No.
No, not at all.
Taking time apart is what healthy couples do.
That's why you two have never done it.
[mumbles] But, Nina! [theme] So, Dick, what are you and Albright doin' tonight? What all healthy couples are doing.
Spending time apart.
Harry! You're soaking! I went for a walk and got caught in the rain, and so I called 911.
Don gave me a ride home.
I was glad to do it, but when I file my paperwork, you're a runaway girl who turned her life around after some straight talk from a caring cop.
That's actually closer than you might think.
Well, see you later, Sally.
Bye, hon.
Harry! You went walking in the rain in my new suede jacket? Well, the guy on Channel 10 said it was gonna be sunny, and I'm experimenting with the buttons on the other side.
You jackass! Those idiots on TV can't predict the weather! But they are very good with the lotto numbers.
Dick, this coat cost me 400 bucks.
We're goin' down there.
Someone's payin' for it.
Well, if you can that, then I'll go halvsies on your new blouse, 'cause that ran like a son of a gun.
Wow! The Channel 10 news set.
This is almost like bein' there.
Harry, we are there.
Well, in that case, I'm a little disappointed .
What can we do for you folks? Are you the idiot who does the weather? No.
He's the idiot who does the news.
Wait a second.
I know you.
You're, uhyou're I'm Chaz Montana.
No, that's not it.
Give me a minute.
Chaz Montana? That's your real name? Yes.
Okay.
Look, Montana, you dopes predicted clear skies, and my brother here got caught in a downpour.
Hey! Were you in Flashdance? Whatever.
Look, your stupid forecast ruined the best jacket I ever owned! Miss, we don't have a big weather budget like the other stations.
We just pull our forecasts off the internet.
It's really cool.
You just type in your zip code-- Save it! Right.
Look at that satellite photo.
Any idiot knows that an occluded front hovering over the Twin Counties will not generate precipitation, provided that the dew point doesn't spike.
But look, it's spiking.
How do you know that? Oh, I'm trained to know that.
You can jeopardize your own security by not being constantly aware of atmospheric conditions.
I totally agree.
No, not Flashdance.
You were on the new Fame! All right, boys, here is how it's gonna go down, all right? Either I get paid in full for my jacket, or I am walking out of here with that Action News desk.
I got a better idea.
You got more knowledge and training than anyone we have.
How would you like to be our new weather girl? Me? On TV? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Oh, Dick! I got a job! I'm the new weather girl down at Channel 10! Isn't that cool? Yeah.
And I've got some news for you, too.
This is guy night.
So, ciao, chickie.
Thanks for your support.
Harry! Come on in here, will ya? Harry, this time apart from Mary is a great opportunity to hang out with you, like we used to.
I don't remember that.
Yeah that's how much fun we had.
Oh.
Well, should I go get some beers? Ah, ah, ah, ah.
No need.
I've got a whole pitcher of mai tais right here! Mary's favorite.
Look.
I've even got parasols.
There you go! This is so cool.
With Mary, it's all about candlelight.
But not for us guys.
That's why I got paper lanterns.
You know, I'm good with the overheads.
Harry do you love jazz? Uh-- Soft, smooth guy jazz? Sit.
Sit.
[soft jazz] No, no, no, no! On the floor.
Here.
Under the quilt.
Down the hatch, dude! This feels so right.
You know I'm startin' to think that maybe we need a couple of days apart.
No! Yeah! Hey, why don't you go play with your camera? I already broke it.
Sally? There's the teeniest of warming trends on its way.
But is it time to break out our cocoa butter and Espadrilles? Only I know for sure, because I'm Sally Storm.
And we're clear.
[bell rings] That was great! Now, the key to drawing in an audience is for you and Chaz to have that witty on-air banter.
But it's gotta be genuine.
The folks at home love it if you and I are really good buddies.
Okay.
Genuine buddy banter comin' up.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 Here's Sally with the forecast.
Thanks, Chazbo.
Well, tomorrow, the temperatures will be in the low 50s, and we'll be goin' from freezy to breezy as this shift will bring about a slight bit of wind to the southwest quadrant of Rutherford.
Actually, Chaz, it'll be more like a zephyr.
Wow.
So a little windy, huh, Sal? Oh, very windy, Chaz.
So you'd better double-up on that glue you use to hold your wig in place.
Nono it isn't.
[telephone rings] Hello? Hello? Did you call? Because I was in the shower.
I don't have a thing on.
I didn't call.
Are you sure? Because the phone rang.
How are you? Dick! [sing-songing] Whatcha doin'? I'm watching a film.
Oh! Is it a film that we saw together and you're watching it because it reminds you of me? If you must know, it's Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.
I'm hanging up now.
No.
No, no.
Mary, wait.
There'sthere's something I have to ask you.
Well, quickly! [sing-songing] Whatcha doin'? [sighs] [sighs] If only she looked at me the way she looked at Deuce Bigalow, male gigolo.
[Sally, on TV] Welcome back.
I'm Sally Storm, and this is the AccuWeather forecast.
Sally! Lookin' good! So, Mr.
Happy Sun will hit like a lead pipe on the soft cartilage of Rutherford's nose creating a 2.
5 mile-per-hour breeze that'll travel down Elm Street, bank off City Hall, and dissipate into the park.
Wait a minute.
[Chaz] Are you sure you wanna be that specific, Sally? Well, was I right today, Chaz? Well, yes.
You're always right, every forecast.
No! I've never seen anyone predict the weather so accurately.
And I've never seen a grown man throw up to keep his weight down, but it seems to be workin' for you, Chaz.
[telephone rings] Hello? Hello, Mary? [sing-songing] Whatcha doin'? Sally.
Hey.
I saw your broadcast.
We have to talk.
Oh, I can't.
I got to get these charts together for tomorrow night.
Sally, it's over.
What? Why? You're too accurate.
They're gonna be onto us.
Dick, I cannot quit.
I have what we, in this business, call "heat.
" You'll feel heat when you're under the FBI's giant magnifying glass.
That's right.
They have one.
You're just jealous 'cause you've never been on TV.
Sally, maybe you've forgotten about The Dick Solomon Goodtime Hour.
I have work to do, okay? Sally, you will not-- Oh, my God.
What? Look at this.
When this moist Gulf air collides with this Canadian cold front and this Alberta clipper has her way, a series of tornadoes will level all of Rutherford.
Ouch.
I gotta warn 'em.
No, you are a security officer first and a weather girl second! You cannot compromise this mission! No one else can predict these tornadoes.
The other stations will get it all wrong.
That's because the aliens who work on those stations are keeping their mouths shut! Dick, listen to me.
At 9:05 tomorrow night, there will be a catastrophic weather event, and people will get hurt.
You know we are forbidden to change the course of human events.
Now, you will stand in front of those cameras, smile your biggest smile, and predict sunny skies and mild temperatures.
Are you asking me to take a dive? I'm not asking, Lieutenant, I'm telling.
It's an order.
Okay, now that that's over, can we talk about Mary? 'Cause I'm feeling kind of blue.
Oh, wow! This is great, Dick! How did you find out that Pendleton had a bomb shelter? The same way I found out about the airport.
Mary and I snuck in here for a "nooner.
" So, what are we supposed to do? Just come down here and live while the rest of Rutherford perishes? No, no, no.
We'll invite people.
We just have to convince them to spend a night in an abandoned bomb shelter without getting them all suspicious.
Well, I mean, there's plenty of room.
We can probably pack in, like, 20 people.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I do not want a sweat-fest.
Yeah, that's a no-can-do, Harry.
I tell you what.
Let's all just choose one person.
Yeah, yeah.
Somebody with practical skills that we'll need to survive.
Oh! How about the plumber? I don't know.
We owe him money.
What are we talking about? We need to save our loved ones.
What about all that stuff you were talkin' about, about us not changing the course of human events? Oh, come on, Sally.
Do you really think that saving Mary and Don will make a bean's worth of difference? Oh, yeah.
Good point.
So, Har, who you bringing? Me? Uh-huh.
Oh! Well, I'm bringin' Flimfy Jorgensen.
Because everything that Flimfy does is just spanky-doodle-doo.
What are you doing here? Why do you refuse to respect my wishes? Mary, prepare yourself for an evening of passion, romance, and dried beef as tender as the night.
I have plans.
I'm going to the movies with Nina.
Tell her we'll bring her along and then we'll "accidentally" forget to pick her up.
Yeah, okay, just give me a minute.
I just want to check my door.
Tell me if it makes a loud bang.
[sing-songing] It does! On a lighter note, the fairgrounds welcomed Big Bessie, a Guernsey from Toledo who captured the blue ribbon tipping the scales at 1,200 pounds.
Ooh! That is one fat cow.
But not as fat as the one grazing at your apartment, right, Chaz? I--I never said my mom was fat.
[laughs] Playful minx! Okay, and now for tonight's forecast.
It'll be clear and mild, with winds I mean, no winds.
No winds.
Uh, calm.
Dead calm.
Well, that's good news for the hundreds of citizens who'll be gathering down at the pier to celebrate the renovation of old downtown.
Hundreds? Yeah.
Well, perhaps all of those citizens gathering at the pier should bring, uh, inflatable pillows.
Uh, big ones that they can perhaps use as flotation devices.
Inflatable pillows? That's kind of an odd thought.
Well, not so odd, Chaz.
You have one in your dressing room shaped like a girl.
I've heard you talking to it.
Okay, that's a big fat lie! All right, then.
Have a great tomorrow because Sally says so.
[breaks pencil] And we're clear! [bell rings] Okay, Sally.
When you started here, I liked you.
Okay? I was actually even thinking of asking you out.
But you blew it, baby.
Did I do something wrong, Chaz? Okay.
You know what? The coy little I-just- popped-out-of-an-egg routine might've worked before.
But, no.
Now I know you are a self-concerned, arrogant, castrating person.
Ouch.
Yeah.
Chaz! Let me make it up to ya.
Whaddaya say you and I go out tonight? Just, you know together.
We could meet at the pier.
What do you have in mind? Well, I thought perhaps we could play a little game calledTwister.
Oh.
Well, then I'd better do some stretches.
So, you're having a party? Well, it's actually more of a gathering.
You know, just us and some loved ones.
You know, my sister's Sally Storm.
The weather girl who's always right? Well, she's not always right.
She didn't predict that I'd be meetin' a sweet little angel like yourself.
Hey, you wanna come? I get off at 8.
No, no.
The party's at 8.
You'll get off at 9.
You know somethin'? I like you so much, I'm gonna pay for these steaks.
Thank God you're still here.
I need your help.
I'm off the clock, and I'm going to the movies.
With Mary.
I know.
But there's something more important that you have to do.
Nina, you do care about Dr.
Albright's health and well-being, don't you? Yes, I care! Then you need to bring her to a place tonight, where we'll all be together.
And our love will help us deal with this inevitable disaster.
Oh, my God.
Are you talking about an intervention? Uh, wellI, uh Yes, Nina.
It's an intervention.
I know how Dr.
Albright likes to drink, but I didn't think it had gotten this bad.
It has.
You know, my clergyman has a special room at the family center-- And I'm sure it's lovely.
But for our purposes, we'll meet at an abandoned bomb shelter behind the Poly Sci building.
How am I supposed to get her to go down there? [stammering] Well tell herthat it's the grand opening of a new discothèque.
and the free shooters and hot wings stop at 9:00 sharp.
Gotcha.
You got it.
9:00.
Remember.
Water.
Batteries.
Cat food? I'm not eating cat food.
Well, I knew you'd be all stuck up about it, Dick! So I got ya Fancy Feast.
Oh.
Thank goodness.
Dick! Mary! Hey, Sally! What's goin' on? Yeah! What the hell is going on? Wellwait till we're all settled, Mary, and then I'll explain.
Are any of her relatives coming? No.
I hate them.
Sorry! I'm sorry I'm late.
I had no idea there was really a bomb shelter here.
Yes, sweetheart.
It was build during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Now, who the hell are you? Oh.
I'm Sheryl from the market.
Harry invited me.
Oh, how nice of him, considering he'll have to give you half his rations.
She will have the kibble.
I will have the bits.
Hey.
All right.
You're Sally Storm from TV.
Yeah, that's me.
Be cool.
Stay in school.
Now, um I suppose you'd all like to know why you're here.
Yeah.
Dr.
Albright.
Please know that none of us are here to judge you.
Why would you be? What you have is a disease.
You do? Well, could we crack a window? I got Jimmy Buffett tickets next Tuesday.
I'm talking about her drinking.
My drinking?! [Stammering] Now, just hang on-- Hey, I thought you looked familiar! I know you from the supermarket.
You're the white zinfandel lady.
They-- They call me that? Let me tell you somethin', Albright.
Your drinkin' doesn't just hurt you.
It hurts everyone around you.
Will you shut up?! I do not have a drinking problem! Oh, Dick, it's time! Hit the dirty, Mary! Everybody, duck and cover! I don't hear anything.
All right.
Let's check it out.
Everybody, just stay where you are! Careful! There's no tornado.
No wind.
Not even a cloud in the sky! There has to be, unless you-- Unless you were wrong.
Oh, no I gotta go push Chaz off the pier myself.
I don't know how this happened.
I start my weekend, determined to spend a little time away from you, and I end up in a cinderblock cell with you and your entire family.
I may have problems, but they have nothing to do with alcohol! Well done, people! She's completely recovered! Let's get out of here! Good job, Sally.
Yeah.
Really good job.
I know.
I already feel like an idiot.
I just didn't factor in the single-band lake effect off Mikford Pond.
Yeah.
Loser! Oo-oo! Loser! Oo-oo! Yeah, so some things in life really are unpredictable.
I mean, there are forces out there that are greater than humans.
Even greater than us! Yep.
Like elephants, garlic, and Slinkies.
You know, Harry, you don't always have to join us out here on the roof.
I'll tell you what's unpredictable.
Mary wanted to take a break from me.
And the fact is, something good actually came of it.
So Mary's off the sauce, huh? Yeah.
But when she's not drinking, she gets a little crabby, so I told her that I needed to take some time off.
Hey, you know what? That's a good thing, because, you know Closed-Captioned by J.
R.
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