3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - You Don't Know Dick

Mary, coming to lunch? A new sushi place just opened.
Dick, I can't have sushi.
Why not? I'm allergic.
It makes me vomit.
Who could have put that idea in your head? The paramedics.
Oh! I can't-- I can't have lunch anyway.
I'm late for my acupressure appointment.
Acupressure.
How exotic.
How long has this been going on? Every Tuesday for six months since I hurt my back bowling.
Bowling! When did you take up bowling? Ah, our Mary's full of surprises.
The big surprise is that she stays with you.
You don't know anything about her.
Well, you don't know anything about me.
Yeah.
That's right.
What's her favorite food? Chicken-fried steak.
That's your favorite.
What's her favorite movie? That's easy.
A rental I kept called Gas Pump Girls.
What color are her eyes? Oh, uh, that I know.
Uh, mostly white on the outside, and in the middle something not white.
Her favorite food is ratatouille, her eyes are blue or green depending on what she's wearing, and her favorite movie is Pardon My Sarong starring Bob Hope.
My God! You seem to know even more about Mary than I do! Does that tell you anything? Yes, it does! You've got a thing for my girlfriend! [theme music] Thanks, Richard.
Sounds like one heck of a game.
All right, now here's Sally Storm with a weather recap.
Sally? Thanks, Chaz.
Well, there's no rain in sight, but by sundown you Rutherford kittens better find your mittens.
It's gonna be cold-- Wow, seems like a nice night to cuddle up by the fire with a little Swiss Miss.
Chaz, what you and your little Eurotrash girlfriend do is really none of our business.
I--I--I meant cocoa.
Aw, can't even keep track of their names.
So sad.
You know, I'm actually starting to think that that plastic surgeon gave you a little too much knockout gas when you went in for that fanny tuck.
Okay, I have a history of weak glutes in my family.
Okay, whatever.
Anyway, tune in tomorrow for my 45-day forecast.
I'm Sally Storm.
And we're clear! Sally, I just got the local ratings.
We are now number two in weather and number three in news.
You could be going places, Sally.
You're hot! So hot.
Sounds like we're a pretty good team, buddy.
Yeah, like John and Yoko Sacco and Vanzetti Bob Clisby and his 60-voice children's choir.
Who are you again? Oh, that's just my brother Harry.
Unless you work here, you really shouldn't be hanging around.
If that's an offer to work here, then I'd love to.
Hey, maybe he could be a gofer.
A gopher? Yeah, every station's got one.
Every station's got a gopher? Yeah, yeah.
You'd be surprised at how useful they can be.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I can see that.
Oh, well, it's settled.
You start tomorrow.
That was really nice of you, Chaz.
Thanks.
Sure.
Anything for you, teammate.
And I mean that.
Anything.
Okay, well, you know, I really enjoy predicting the weather, but, uh, I'd love to move up and start predicting the news.
Oh, well, you might be at the top of the weather game, but there's a lot to learn about the news.
Will you teach me? Oh, sure.
I'll show you the ropes.
They're slippery, but I'll show you.
On your way in tomorrow, why don't you pick up a couple dozen doughnuts? Oh, you know what? I probably only need two, but, uh, maybe I'll bring in the rest for you guys! And leave a lot of extra room in the legs.
I want to be able to move fast in my thick gopher pelt.
Sure, sure.
So, uh, why are you dressing like a rodent? Oh, um, no.
We prefer to be called Varmint-Americans.
Harry's got a job down at the station.
Ah, you mean like some kind of a mascot? Oh, yeah.
That would be great! You know, I twisted my ankle in a gopher hole nine years ago.
That reminds me.
I have to refill that pain medication on that.
Dick, great news from the station.
I'm number two in weather.
Oh, big deal.
You're forecasting atmospheric conditions on a planet that only has one sun.
Yeah, but, I mean, you know, if I learn from Chaz, I could become a serious newsperson.
Well, here's a news flash.
Nina told me that I don't know anything about Mary.
What's not to know? I mean, she's stuck-up, boring.
And an excellent bowler.
I know all that, but what else? She likes needlepoint and flavored coffees.
Her zeal for walking in the rain is eclipsed only by her fervor for stamp collecting.
Why don't I know any of that? Well, because you're a typical guy, ya pig.
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, sit down.
All right, look.
I've been a woman for five years now, so listen to me, okay? If you want to keep Albright, you've got to start paying attention to the things she likes to do.
I mean, just let her know that in your life she comes first.
But I thought that honesty was the more important thing in a relationship.
Good morning, Mary.
What are these? Your favorite flowers.
Lilacs aren't my favorite flowers.
Of course they are.
I saw you buying them just yesterday.
I bought lilacs yesterday to put on my grandmother's grave.
And as luck would have it, they were still there.
Uh, and there's more.
How's this for combining your interests? A stamp for your collection celebrating needlepoint.
Dick, I don't collect stamps and I have no interest in needlepoint.
Yeah, I know that.
Damn that Harry! Mary, do I look like a queen in a sailor's dream? You got the tickets! Tickets? Oh! Tenth row.
You and I and an evening with woodsy balladeer Gordon Lightfoot.
Yee! Yee! It's an exciting day for us all.
Anybody up for a dumb-ass Bob Hope movie? Oh, thank you for doing this, Judith.
Well, Mary, if anyone digs Lightfoot as hard as I do, it's Mary Albright.
You know me so well.
We all do, Mary.
Judith, we are so touched by your altruism, but here, take these back.
What are you doing? I know how much you love Gordon Lightfoot, Mary, so I've already got us two tickets, but they're in the front row.
You did? Why didn't you say anything? I'm not a showy person, Mary.
Judith, I'm sure there are a plethora of eligible bachelors out there who'd be happy to take that extra ticket.
Of course there are.
Nina, you want to come with? I thought you'd never ask, and I was happy about that.
Oh, you're gonna love it, Nina.
Once, when I was in college, I snuck into a Gordon Lightfoot concert.
It was the most fun I have ever had! Well, you won't have to sneak in this time, pumpkin.
Oh! Oh, God.
If he sing The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, I will throw my panties on the stage again.
Oh! Mary, we'll be so close that you'll be able to snatch Gordon's panties and throw them back to Judith.
See you there, girls.
Oh! Uhh! Harry, you're-- you're here early.
It's my nature to rise at dawn and forage.
But I can't officially start work yet.
I'm having a special suit made and it's not ready yet.
Well, that's nice, but it's not necessary.
We're very casual around here.
Without the suit, how are people gonna know I'm a gopher? Doesn't matter what you wear as long as you're here being our gofer.
Oh, I see, I see.
So it's more of a method gopher.
Whatever method works for you.
All right.
Hey, uh, Harry, can you run this tape up to editing for me? I can run.
I got strong hind legs and a low center of gravity.
Comes in handy when eluding my natural predator-- man.
Okay, see, I just need that to go up to editing.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Chaz! Hey, Sally.
So you think I'm ready to go out in the field? Yes, we're ready to throw you in the deep end-- dinner and then a Gordon Lightfoot show at the Rutherdome.
The station's got a luxury box.
Okay.
Gordon Lightfoot.
Um, okay, I know just what I'd ask him.
Um, ahem.
Mr.
Lightfoot, you've been in the music industry for over three decades.
Given the recent changes in music distribution via the Internet, would you rather be attacked by a bear or a bear with a gun? Excuse me, are you the ticket maestro? Now I am.
Oh.
Can I have two tickets to Gordon Lightfoot, front row, equidistant from the aisle and the concession stand? That shouldn't be a problem.
Are you interested in subscribing to our entertainment magazine? No, I'm not interested in entertainment.
I'm interested in seeing Gordon Lightfoot.
Could I get your zip code, please? Zip code? Look, I'm on my lunch break here.
Can't you just give me the tickets? I can't order the tickets until you're in the customer database.
I don't want to be in the customer database.
That's bizarre.
Okay, I'm showing two seats to Gordon Lightfoot at the Rutherdome.
Oh, thank God! Last row balcony.
Last row balcony? Don't you have anything closer? Only some scattered singles.
Oh, well, then I guess I'll take the balcony seats.
[computer beeps] Sorry.
The balcony seats are gone.
Gone? Then I'll take the singles.
[beep] Oh, now they're gone.
We're sold out.
How can that be? I'm not the only ticket maestro, dude.
You're not a ticket maestro at all! Don't you have anything? [beep] I've got a two-for-one special for The Ice Capades, same night at the War Memorial.
Ice Capades.
My treasured relationship hangs in the balance, and all you can offer me are washed-up Olympians, some of them not even medallists, mincing around on the ice with a bunch of fuzzy cartoon characters? They're going fast.
Two, please.
Hey, Sally, how's the weather? Oh, listen, Chaz, I was wondering.
Um, if I really nail this whole news thing, do you think I could get a job on The View? Because I've watched that show, and I could kick the crap out of any one of 'em.
Well, maybe not the big one.
Sally, I don't mean to brag here, but I happen to know the lady finder over at The View.
Really? Yes, absolutely.
I mean, inside connections are everything in this business.
And along those same lines, I got you a corsage.
[gasp] Hey! A pin-on flower! This is like something Barbara Walters would wear.
This job's so cool.
Yeah.
Hey, also, listen, uh, after dinner, we're gonna stop by my home so you can meet my mom.
Your mom? That doesn't sound like a work thing.
Sally, my mom was the first woman on the moon.
My God, I had no idea.
Yeah, nobody does.
That's why I'm giving you the exclusive.
The exclusive.
Reporting live from the first woman on the moon, I'm Sally Storm.
[DJ] Okay, our last pair of tickets to Gordon Lightfoot are waiting for caller number 29.
That's it! Go! Aah! Faster, Harry! My whole future with Mary is riding on this.
Then why don't you dial? No, I'm emotionally taxed, and I just had a manicure for the concert.
Guys, wish me luck.
I'm going on a field assignment with Chaz.
We're very busy, Sally.
I've got to win tickets to Gordon Lightfoot.
Gordon Lightfoot? Dick, the station owns-- Sally, please! Not another word about that insipid station! At least when you're on TV, I can hit the mute button.
Fine.
I was gonna say I could get you into a luxury box for the concert, but just forget it! Oh, I will! [ringing] [door slams] What? Sally! Wait! Oh! Oh! Oh! Dick, I'm the 29th caller! Shut your pie trap, Harry.
I just lost tickets because I was rude to Sally! What? All right, we have Harry Solomon on the line.
Are you ready? Yes, I am.
Okay, Harry, for two tickets, what was Gordon Lightfoot's first American single? I have no idea.
If You Could Read My Mind, Love.
Oh, now, don't get all tender now, Harry.
Correct! If You Could Read My Mind! Just bring your photo ID down to Will Call, and the tickets are yours.
You mean I won? You won all right.
And now less talk, more Lightfoot.
I won! Harry, I won! Oh, thank God! I got to get dressed and pick up Mary.
You go for the tickets.
You know what? I'm getting tired of everyone always telling me what to do.
Go for this.
Go for that.
How am I supposed to be a serious gopher when everyone's always treating me like an errand boy? Hey, buddy.
I'll give you 50 bucks apiece for those.
You must be stupid.
All right, I'll give you 60 bucks.
Yeah.
Have you bought concert tickets lately? How much do you want for 'em, man? Well, it says right here they cost $28.
Okay, then I'll give you $28 for 'em.
That's more like it.
Oh, wait.
No, no, no, no.
I can't sell these.
I'm supposed to hold onto 'em 'til Dick gets here.
You know what? I just talked to Dick.
He said he's not coming.
Oh, really? Enjoy the show.
Excuse me.
Front row.
Lightfoot.
250.
[Dick] Harry! Harry! Hey, Albright, nice jacket.
Who is that on there? It's a pirate.
I actually drew this pirate myself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, no one cares, Mary.
Oh, look, Gordon Lightfoot T-shirts.
Oh.
Uh, double-XL for me, please.
Harry, quick, where's the tickets? I sold 'em! But I need those tickets.
You shouldn't have told that guy you weren't coming.
I never told anybody I wasn't coming.
Well, Dick, that's just bad planning.
If you're not coming, you gotta tell somebody.
Oh, wow! Chaz, this is the perfect place to interview Gordon Lightfoot.
Yeah, uh, about that, um, there's some bad news.
Gordo is a no-go on that.
Oh, no.
So, uh, what, we just, uh, we watch the concert, and then report on it later? Sally, one of the most important arrows in a newsperson's quiver is the arrow of patience.
Yeah.
And candles.
And champagne.
What? This is Chaz Montana reporting live from the Rutherdome, where I'm falling in love.
Oh, my God, what is going on? Sally you can't report the news to the people unless you love the people.
Start with me.
Uh, okay.
Um, stop it, Chaz, because I am repulsed by you sexually.
Then why are you here? For the story! But you know what? I'm beginning to think your mother wasn't the first woman on the moon.
Okay, this is news school, and I am the professor, so what I say goes.
Please don't leave me.
Leave you? Chaz, you're my mentor, man.
I could never leave you.
You've taught me so much.
I mean, you've taught me that news could happen anywhere to a man standing in his underwear in front of thousands of people! [Man] Nice glutes! Hi.
Yeah, this is Sally Storm.
Send a camera crew.
I've got a news story down here at the Rutherdome.
A big-ass news story.
I'm standing outside a Gordon Lightfoot concert holding a pair of tickets to The Ice Capades.
This is all your fault! You know what? Those were my tickets.
I made the call.
I knew the song.
It's about time I got rewarded for my work.
They don't even pay me down at the station.
Why are we talking about you? This is about me! It's always about you.
You, you, you! Well, you wouldn't be in this mess if it hadn't been for you.
Think about it.
[Women] Lightfoot, Lightfoot, Lightfoot! Come on, tickets! Time to go in! What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong is me.
I've failed you, Mary.
I've ignored your needs.
I've belittled your passions.
I've neglected you and thought only of myself.
But all of that changesright now! What are you doing? Mary, I would like nothing more than to walk into this concert right now, settle into my cushy front row seat, and let the nostalgic sounds waft over me.
But that's not what you want.
Yes, it is! No, you think it is, but I know you, Mary.
What you really want is to recapture the excitement of years ago when a young and rebellious Mary Albright risked it all by sneaking into her first Gordon Lightfoot concert.
Oh, Dick.
We were young, and there was a war on.
Come on, wild child.
You want us to sneak in? No.
You want us to sneak in.
Come on, Mary.
Crouch with me in the darkness and filth.
Let's see Gordon Lightfoot the way he was meant to be seen-- through the grimy slats of a heating vent.
What do you say? Let's do it! Yes! You know, I really learned something tonight.
Mmm? To put others first? Well, yeah, and that Mary can climb a drainpipe.
Now that I know that, we'll be going to a lot more concerts.
I still cannot believe that you and Albright snuck in.
And I can't believe that Chaz Montana turned out to be an obsessive naked Gordon Lightfoot fan.
Yeah, I know, and it's such a shame.
I mean, he is, without a doubt, the best newsman I have ever worked with.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry that gopher thing didn't work out, Harry.
Oh, well, it's okay.
Actually, this reporter hired me to dig up some dirt, so tomorrow I'm gonna be a mole.
See? Now that I could see.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA