3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick Soup for the Soul

Will this never end? We've been waiting in line for a month! D-Do you recall Nina and I even inviting you? At least there's a kissing booth at the end.
That's something to look forward to.
There's no kissing booth at the end, and I specifically said "Don't come.
You'll be bored, and you'll annoy us.
" Oh, God, I need caffeine, or I'm gonna fall asleep.
Nina, be a lamb and fetch me a cappuccino.
I'm here to get Claire Volk to sign my book, that's all.
What is this obsession with Claire Volk and her signature? It can't be healthy.
It can't be healthy! Claire Volk's first book taught me to love myself during some really rough times.
She's a fully actualized person with so much to share.
There are two things I'm certain about: she is not fully actualized, and I don't know what that means.
There isn't a human being alive that couldn't benefit from this book.
Here, let me see it.
A Road Map for Permanent Happiness.
I'll give the intro a skim and get back to you with my thoughts.
More crap.
Next? Hi.
I'm Mary Albright, and I have been waiting a long time-- Miss Volk, in the last few feet of this line, you have changed my life forever! Would you like me to sign your book? Book nothing! Sign my breast! And see if you can use the nipple to dot the "I.
" Come on.
I want to hear you say it.
Oh, I love you, too.
Oh, who was that? Tommy! How's he doing at college? Oh, terrible.
He said something about a fraternity and being hazed by Greeks, and it's Hell Week.
He doesn't know if he's gonna make it.
Hell Week? He could be in mortal danger.
Family meeting! Family meeting! I got to get to Tommy's school.
He could be dead already.
Now? But I want to show you my new book! Listen to me, I will do anything to keep Tommy or any member of this family from being killed, even if it means killing you or any member of this family! Harry all through our tumultuous existence on this planet, we have been enslaved by our negative emotions.
That's so true.
I got to run.
Ah, no-- Are you happy? Yeah.
Really happy? Yeah.
Really, really, really happy? No.
With this book, we are going to master our emotions.
No more ups and downs, only ups.
From now on, the quest for perma-happiness must be our first and our only priority.
Calm, calm, happy, happy.
Okay, I paid to get that leak in the kitchen roof fixed.
Now, one of you got to go up and paint the ceiling, or I'm keeping your security deposit.
Okay, Harry, you paint the ceiling.
I'll get happy for both of us.
[Sally] Tommy? Tommy! Oh, my God, Tommy, they've brainwashed you into thinking the floors are teeth.
Sally, what are you doing here? Okay, I came to save your ass.
Now jump on my back, and I'm gonna bust you out of this death trap.
What are you talking about? Hell Week.
You told Harry you might not make it.
Don't you remember? Tommy? Tommy, are you in there? Sally! I meant I was afraid I might not make it into the frat.
The frat.
Hell, that was worth a four-hour bus ride.
Sally, this place has the best parties, the nicest girls, and some of the skankiest girls.
Which is why the frat brothers are putting us through a series of tests-- to make sure none of the weenie geeks get in.
Oh, I see.
So you're worried, 'cause you're a weenie geek.
I merely have some concerns that the frat selection process might not be scientific.
I just wish I knew what the pledge master has planned.
Tommy, you know, I might be able to help you here.
As it happens, I'm not just a master of escape, but I am also a master of getting into places andsneakily secret finding.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, you're not a geek.
Oh, Dick, I can't believe how into this book you are.
It's wonderful.
I am so proud of you.
Oh, thank you, Mary.
Claire Volk says that I don't need any affirmation but my own, so I'm gonna pretend that I said that.
The book says that Step 1 to perma-happiness is the forgiveness ceremony, so-- Should I go first? No, no, no.
I've been saving up.
I forgive Nina for eating my lunch today.
Dick, Nina did that because you ate her lunch.
Mary, is this a forgiveness ceremony or a who-ate-Nina's-lunch inquisition? Sorry, sorry.
Your turn.
I forgive my mother for making a mess of my childhood.
But you're still mad, I can tell.
It's Dick 1, Mary zero.
Dick, this is not a competition.
That's because you're losing.
It's my turn.
I forgive you, Mary, for those 5 pounds you put on last Christmas.
Dick! No, no.
It's done.
Come on.
Your turn.
I forgive the world for its capricious-- That makes me think of one.
You didn't let me finish.
Forgive me? Yes, but you-- Okay, then it's my turn again.
I forgive the world for its capricious What were you gonna put on the end of that, Mary? Oh, Dick, maybe we should do this thing separately.
The things I'm trying to forgive are snowballing on me here.
But, Mary, I was gonna forgive you for snoring, for chewing with your mouth open, and for a loud phone voice.
Are you sure you want to miss all that? I don't want to do this anymore.
Come on, Mary.
No, no, just go away.
Impatience, too.
No, get out.
I forgive you.
Get out! Hey, Harry.
Here's the paint and brushes from when you were supposed to help me paint my apartment.
Thanks for hurrying over to help me, Nina.
Help nothing.
I came to get my hundred bucks back from when you were supposed to help me paint my apartment.
How'd that go? Well, actually, you never even showed-- I don't have time for this.
I got a ceiling to paint, so either pay me the hundred bucks you owe me, or get out.
No, you owe me, so what the hell are you so fired up about? Well, it's not every day Dick gives me an assignment, and I want to put my heart and soul into it, make it a labor of love.
Harry, it's a ceiling.
Pick a color and slap it on.
I can't just pick and color! It has to speak to me.
It has to reflect the golden rays of sunlight off my Cheerios in the morning, or stir my interest as I stare up at it while Dick's talking.
Hi, there.
You know, I was walking across campus on my way to a campus building, and I thought I'd just swing by and ask you what your hazing rituals were.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I've taken a solemn vow never to reveal the secrets of this pledge book.
You tell me, I'll go out with you.
Let me walk you through it.
Wrong, wrong, wrong! How can paint that tastes this good look this bad? All right, line up! Come on, line up! Okay, ladies, we've got a new assistant pledge master.
Her name is Sally.
Well, Stan is half right.
My name is Sally, but from now on, you'll all know me as-- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! That's right-- Sally Ow-ow-ow.
What's your name? I'm Bucky.
Oh, my God, your parents are so cruel.
But guess what, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Ahh! All right, what's your name? I'm Jim.
Not anymore.
From now on, your name is Rose, and you're a 78-year-old grandmother.
Go run 6 miles with a walker.
Go, go, go! What's your name, Tommy? I'm Tommy.
Hi, there.
[Stan] Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Do you guys know each other? Uh, no, not at all.
I never met him before in my life.
No special treatment here.
She'll treat me exactly like she treats everyone else she doesn't know, right? That's what you want, right? Yeah.
Really? Yes.
All right.
One question--you wearing boxers or briefs? Boxers.
Wrong answer.
Aah! Mary, you'll be happy to know that I'm deep into Step 2.
I have successfully eliminated all the negative relationships in my life-- Judith, Strudwick, the Chancellor.
I've even stopped yelling at the little voice that comes out of the clown's head when I'm at the drive-through.
Wow, you've really grown.
Yes, I have, Mary.
I'm almost perma-happy Dick.
Oh! Anyway, you're history.
What? Yeah, you're gone.
I can't be in this relationship anymore.
Too many ups and downs.
You're breaking up with me because of this book? Yeah, I'm afraid so.
I know it's hard, Mary.
No, it's not hard, Dick.
It's just not happening.
What? Well, what I've learned from this book is that "On the ferris wheel of life, I am the carny holding the throttle.
" I choose not to break up with you.
Really? Can you do that? Yeah.
I think you have a tendency to underestimate the--the sickness of the co-dependent relationship.
And we're in one, mister, and you're not going anywhere.
In that case, I need to, uh, uh "step off the desperation treadmill "and frolic through the forest of solitude with my self elf.
" Self elf? What the hell is that? For your information, it is the sprightly inner happiness that you achieve when you spend time with your loving and supportive self, but you would know that if you had read the book.
I'm at the helm.
I'm at the helm.
Calm, calm, happy, happy.
I'm at the helm.
I'm at the helm.
Calm, calm! Happy, happy! I'm at the helm! Permission to speak with the assistant pledge master and put this thing down.
Denied and denied.
Come on, Sally! That is highly unseemly.
What the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be helping me out.
That is what I'm doing.
I'm helping you build character.
I just want you to help me get into this frat.
And you will.
I will? Oh, yeah.
If you get through Hell Week.
If I get through? Listen to me.
I took an oath here, okay? I must uphold this fraternity's hallowed traditions.
I think you're just on a power trip.
[scoffs] That's a bit disrespectful, plebe.
Well, guess what.
I'm not afraid of you.
Maybe not, but I know what you are afraid of.
Maybe so, but anything you put me through only makes me stronger.
Okay, so you're supporting my initial argument.
Then I recant.
If you recant, then you quit.
Then I quit.
You are such a coward.
You never deserved to be in this fraternity.
Oh, really? Hit me with everything you got.
How 'bout 10? I'd like to see you try.
Jeez, aren't you done yet? Madam, these things take time.
Did your reputation as a gin-soaked good-time girl happen overnight? No, it happened over several nights.
But it really stuck after that convention.
Look, I don't need you nagging me, okay, when this has been mocking me day and night.
Stop it! Shut up! You shut up! What's that? I didn't think I heard you.
[grunting] Whoa! It's finished.
That's good.
So, you gonna paint the garage next? Impossible.
I've got nothing left to give.
[clears throat] No, no.
Just the one.
Hey, good-looking.
Having a good time? Oh, of course.
Quite a difference, eh? Now that you've eliminated all the problem people in your life, only the happy elite remains: you and me.
I guess.
Is something wrong, Dick? Wrong? What could be wrong? No one's contradicting me.
No one's telling me to lower my voice.
No one's told me not to lick the salt and pepper shakers.
I'm calm and-and-and I'm happy.
It's boring, isn't it.
Well, as a matter of fact, it is.
You know why? Because there's no conflict here, Dick, and I think you need that.
That's not true.
Are you so sure? Well, maybe a little.
You know what? You're not having a good time here, and frankly, neither am I.
You know who's fault that is? Yours? No.
It's the book's fault.
Oh, my God, you're right! I should have listened to you and not that stupid book.
I almost threw away Mary.
Yeah, and she's the only good thing you've got going.
Yeah, never a dull moment with Mary.
We better get over there.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, by the way, about the check I know, I know.
I'll get it.
You go.
Oh, thanks, Dick.
You're the greatest! [chuckling] No Check please! This is good.
We just have to get through this last test and we've made it.
She knows how to break me.
She'll break me.
Tommy, relax, man.
You've taken everything she's thrown at you.
You're right, I have.
I'm a mountain.
I am a mountain! Stand up, plebes! Hi, ladies.
Boy, are you in for a treat today! I have three tasty popovers right here.
Ladies like popovers, don't they, ladies.
Eh? Okay, hold out your hands.
One is cherry.
Huh? One is apricot.
And one may or may not be spider.
[gasps] I happen to know that one of you is pathologically afraid of spiders.
Don't worry, Tommy.
It's just a psych-out.
No one would actually put a poisonous spider in a popover.
Poisonous? Did she say poisonous? Ladies, ahem, taketh of the popover.
Mmm, apricot.
Ugh! Spider? No, cherry.
I hate cherry.
Congratulations, men.
That's fantastic.
You've joined the fraternity! Whoo! Sadly everyone except Tommy.
Tommy, bite the popover and join the covenant of your brethren.
Yeah, come on, Tommy.
Do it! You can do it! I can't do it.
[Man] Bite it.
[Men] Bite it.
Bite it.
Bite it.
Bite it.
Bite it.
Bite it.
Bite it.
Bite it.
Wait, guys.
Let me explain.
Sally is my aunt, and I wanted to get into this frat so badly that I did what any of you would have done.
I asked my aunt for help, but now she's gone mad with power, and I think we need to kick her out, right? Brothers, unite! Get the weenie.
Mary! Wake up! Aah! What? What? I was sleeping! Hence, the demand.
I'm here for a fight! Is this from the book? [growls] Forget the book! The book just wants to make you happy.
Andyou don't wanna be happy? No, not all the time.
It's no fun! I need conflict.
It makes me feel.
It makes me learn! So come on.
Bring it! No, I don't wanna do that.
I'm happy.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
No! You're not! Yes, I am! This is the face of peace and tranquility.
Perma-happy Mary.
God, you're sexy when you're happy.
Kiss me.
[both moaning] So Tommy is really bummed he didn't get into that fraternity.
Let him feel miserable now.
That way, he'll appreciate how good he feels when he finally does get in.
Ah, not gonna happen.
I rewrote the bylaws.
Ya know, it's weird.
If a human wants to be rich, or thin, or happy, they gotta read about how to do it in a book.
Yeah, but all the negative crap seems to come easily.
Mm, well.
There's no book that tells you how to be selfish, stupid, or obnoxious.
Maybe you should write one.
Oh, I could, but I'm too lazy.
Closed-Captioned by J.
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