3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - The Thing That Wouldn't Die (2)

Last time on Third Rock from the Sun You know, I'll tell you something interesting about-- [sounding like space signal] Incoming message from the big giant head! The big giant head is telling you the mission is over.
Over? No! Transmission ending in three, two, one [sneezes] What do they mean, our mission's cancelled? Discarded like a lemon rind.
Or some kind of hat that people don't like to wear anymore.
Well, guess what.
Those hats come back into style.
And you wish you still had 'em.
You do.
You do! Cancelled? I was about to become very attractive to girls over 12.
This cannot be happening.
This is horrible.
How am I gonna leave Mary? She's-- She's everything to me! I'm gonna ask her to come.
Oh, no.
Ohh You can't bring her.
She'd be classified as contraband.
Yeah, if I can't bring saltwater taffy, you can't bring Albright.
But how can I live without her? Oh, my God, you guys.
What am I gonna do about Don? I can't leave him the pathetic muffin- making mess that he is.
Ah, pipe down.
You knew the mission was gonna end.
Now it's ending.
Get it together.
Okay, see, here it comes.
Why do you always get like this when missions come to an end? Yeah, good-bye, teenager.
Hello, crotchety old man.
Ah, pinch your mouth shut.
Hey, you know what? If we have to leave on Saturday anyway, we might as well have a big going-away party.
Harry, that is a great idea.
It will give us a chance to say good-bye.
Right.
"Good-bye, humans.
We're going back to our home planet in outer space.
" Then they can dissect us on the tarmac.
A party with a space theme.
Oh, that's not annoying.
People will be encouraged to get their swerve on.
Exactly.
Oh, that reminds me.
We're gonna need a designated driver for the flight home.
Not it! [Harry, Tommy] Not it! Damn! [rock and roll] Hey, Sally.
Hey, Don.
I'm on my way to turn in my stuff down at the station, and I wanted you to be the first to try my brand-new, world-famous banana-bread muffins! It's--It's big.
Well, I couldn't find those little cupcake papers, so I had to use coffee filters.
Oh, my God, Don, please become a cop again! No way.
I'm not cut out for that life.
I'm fragile.
Don, you better sit down.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
You know how I've won every lumberjack competition I've ever been in without any previous lumberjacking experience? Yeah? And remember that time I showed you how to make a cannon out of a coconut? Yeah.
Okay, wellahem I'm a highly trained security- and-weapons specialist.
You are? No.
Oh, yes.
OhSally! Any time I've taken my gun apart, I had to buy a new gun.
What are you, like, with the feds, or something? Something like that, but a little bit bigger.
Interpol? I've been undercover here for years.
I can't tell you my mission.
It will put you in jeopardy.
But what you just saw me do to that gun, I'm gonna do to you.
I've got sciatica.
DonI'm gonna rebuild you from the ground up.
Why? 'Cause I love you, Don.
'Cause I love you.
Did you finish the party plan? Oh, yeah.
Check it out.
What is this? What? "Music: A.
M.
radio.
"Food: fancy mixed nuts.
Paper napkins: question mark"? This is pathetic, man.
If we have to throw a party, let's at least do it right! Dude, we are broke! We have been broke for six years.
Okay.
We'll charge it.
Max out our credit cards.
Well, we can do that? Yeah.
By the time they send us the bill, we'll be in another galaxy I don't know why everybody doesn't do that.
I've been on tenterhooks ending in dirty looks Listening to the Muzak, thinking 'bout this 'n' that She said that's that, I don't wanna chitter-chat [gun shot, cat screech] Turn it down a little bit or turn it down flat Pump it up when you don't really need it Pump it up, when you do, you can feel it Down in the pleasure center, hell bent or heaven sent Listen to the propaganda, listen to the latest slander There's nothin' underhand that she wouldn't understand Pump it up until you can feel it Pump it up when you don't really need it Let me rub this here.
All right, Don.
Choose.
Muffin? Or gun? Who are you, Don? Are you a cop, or are you a muffineer? I'm a cop! I'm a cop who wants a muffin.
And the student becomes the master.
When we were first here, I used to come to the planetarium whenever I felt homesick.
Which one's yours? Mine? Yeah.
You see the little bright one down by the horizon? That's home.
Nice, huh? Yeah.
I wish I could see it up close.
How's Saturday? Around midnight.
What? Mary, the mission's over.
I have to go back.
Well, first you tell me you're an alien, and then two days later, you tell me you're leaving Earth? I didn't say forever.
So you can come back? No, it's forever.
Come with me.
I love you.
OhI love you too, but to spend the rest of my life on another planet Mary, do you really want to start dating again? Especially at your age? Saturday, huh? Okay, I'll do it! Oh! [laughs] Mary.
This place looks pretty good, huh? Mmm.
It's amazing what $19,000 can do to an attic.
Oh, hey, by the way I got ya somethin'.
It says "Tommy.
" Oh, thanks, man.
I liked it so much, I got me one, too.
Yours also says "Tommy.
" Yeah.
You were always my favorite.
Can't wait for this to be over.
You're not gonna miss Earth even a little bit? You know, a mission starts, a mission ends, friend.
I've done this too many times.
I don't even unpack anymore.
Now, let's just enjoy our little party, shall we? Mm-kay.
Well, I'm gonna go mingle.
Okay.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Ahh! Uhh! Caterers.
Great, great.
Where's the spatula? Where's the spatula? Spatula! We always have the spatula right here! Where's the stupid spatula? Where's that Earth spatula?! [crying] I don'twannago! [sobs] Spinach puffs? [sobs] Good party.
Mary! Oh, Dick.
This is so ironic-- aliens throwing an alien party.
Is any of this stuff authentic? The dip is.
Oh, Mary, I'm so glad you're coming with us to the home planet.
I can't wait to show you off.
So I guess in space, I'll be your trophy girlfriend, huh? You'll be the size of a trophy.
What? Oh, look.
Tapenade.
Yeah What's going on here, Dick? You told me this was a masquerade ball recreating the court of King Louis XVI.
I know.
Isn't it great? [laughs] I am gonna get you back, Dick Solomon! Don't speak.
I want to remember you [laughing] just as you are.
[laughs] And now for the entertainment.
It has always been our dream to get the guy who plays Wipeout on paint cans out in front of the bus station to come and play our party.
Tonight, that dream has come true.
But first we got this other guy.
Elvis Costello.
One, two, three, four.
[jazz] Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars Let me know what spring is like On Jupiter or Mars In other words, hold my hand In other words Darling, kiss me Harry, our little teatime nooner today was one of the best ever.
Shh! Look, we're gonna have to lay low for a while, okay? I'm goin' out of town.
Ahh, you'll be back.
Shh! They always come back.
[laughs] Sally, I'm so glad that you and Mary have become so close.
[Elvis] I love you Oh, no.
She's coming.
They-- They said that we could bring specimens.
I'm bringing a rock, a twig, and Mary.
Fine, whatever.
But you know what? She's sitting on the hump.
Oh, now, be fair.
And Mars In other words Please be true In other words In other words In other words I love you Hey, Albright, what's the deal here? I can tell you anything, right? Well, you have.
Dick is an alien, and I'm going to travel with him on a spaceship and be the size of a trophy.
Okay, go easy on the champagne.
I'm not driving you home again.
I just finished shampooing my carpets from the last time.
No, Nina! I'm serious.
I'm serious.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look, I think the caterers fixed up a little plate for you and the rest of the guys in the kitchen.
But I'd rather you didn't eat in front of the guests.
Well, that's fine but I'd sure like to get paid sometime, Harry.
You boy bands are all in it for the money, aren't ya? Oh.
Oh, oh, oh.
Um, everybody, please, I--I'd like to thank you all for coming tonight.
Friends, with your help and love, you've shown us how to make sense of the world.
And when the world hasn't made any sense at all, you've taught us to sit back and enjoy it.
You've taught us what's right, what's real, and what's beautiful about this planet.
And for that, we are eternally grateful.
All right, listen up.
I wanna leave, but there's a spaceship blocking my car! A spaceship.
[laughs] [in unison] Let's go! Oh, great! They didn't trust us to leave on our own, and now we're busted.
Dick? Okay, start out by telling them we're not gonna harm anybody.
We have no special powers.
Right.
Dick? Then if they don't buy that, tell 'em we do have special powers.
Right.
Dick? Harry, shh! People of Earth, we come in peace.
That's right, I said, "People of Earth.
" Sally, Tommy, Harry, come join me here.
My fellow aliens.
That's right, I said, "My fellow aliens.
" [door opening] Citizens of Rutherford whose vehicle is this? What the hell is going on? I tried to tell you.
I got it for the party.
Well, it was either that or the moon bouncy thing.
Harry, is this your vehicle? Yeah Well, I'm gonna have to write you up.
All novelty vehicles must have a permit displayed.
Even the Wienermobile's got one.
Hey, Donny.
You did it.
You're a cop again.
That's right.
Sorry I can't stay.
I've got a 312 over in Atherton.
And for the first time, I know what that means.
Well, hey, give me a minute, will ya? I mean, you're not the only one taking a powder.
Don't go soft on me, Solomon.
When was I ever soft? And, Sally thank you for teaching me how to be a man.
It's nothin'.
Thank you for teaching me how to be a woman.
Oh, God! Mmhh! Ohh! [gasps] I'll give you a call.
Don! Don, don't go, Don! Sally! Tommy! We have to get to the field! Wait! I want to take one last look at my friends.
Uh, Mary, to be fair, they're mostly our friends.
I am not even paying this.
How long? Five minutes.
[sighs] I'm gonna miss a lot about this planet.
I only hope that in some small way, my handsome, good looks have made a difference.
Wellgood-bye, girls.
Veronique Cindy.
Cindy.
What are you gonna miss the most, Tommy? The way the sky looks from my bedroom window.
I'm gonna miss the first time you put on a new shirt.
How 'bout fiber? Shoes.
Feet.
Brothers who sell mattresses on TV.
Sneezing.
Mel Gibson.
[family sighs] Snow.
Everything.
I can't! I can't do this! Mary, where are you going? Oh, I'm so sorry! W-What is it? Oh, I can't! I'm afraid.
I'm leaving my-- my planet, my-- my friends, my body, everything! But we'll have each other.
Oh, but it won't be the same.
We'll be together.
No, I--I can't! I-- You're right.
You belong here, Mary.
We fell in love because you were a human on Earth, and so was I.
I'll never forget you.
If it would help, I can make you forget.
But how? I didn't think you had any special powers.
No, it's not a special power.
It's more of a gimmick.
No, that sounds awful.
I don't want to forget you.
But, Mary, it will protect you from hurt.
What we had together will remain deep inside you.
And you'll know it's there.
It'll be a feeling.
Dick, it's time.
What do you say? Okay.
As long as I can always love you.
You will.
And I'll always love you.
Now, I'm gonna need you to stand very still.
Ow! Jeez! Too low.
I-- I'm sorry, I only just read about this.
Lieutenant? Information officer Transmitter [in unison] High Commander.
My family.
Dick, I'm leaking.
Across the void we come a-warping Across the fields of stars we-- Soar Soar We pledge to land and something-- [humming] Spaceship And when at last our mission's finished In duty homeward shall we fly Our glory cannot be diminished Back to the heavens in our mighty spaceship Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
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