American Housewife (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Pilot

1 Katie: They say one day a meteor will strike the Earth, obliterating life as we know it, but it's not coming soon enough to help me.
You see, my neighbor, Fat Pam, is giving up and moving to Vermont.
She's had enough of the skinnies in this town, and once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be the s Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Anna-Kat! Do not pee in the yard! Mom, I've thought about it, and I refuse to participate in the school food drive on principle.
And what principle is that? Westport homeless people have better stuff than we do.
Nude Norman rides a bike that's worth more than our car.
And when he does wear clothes, they're Ms.
Halloran's cashmere hand-me-downs.
It's a little thing called charity, Oliver.
It's the worst thing for him.
Nude Norman isn't gonna get a job if it's open season on free cans of creamed corn.
- [Speaking indistinctly] - I'm not gonna lie to you We boned it pretty bad with this one.
Oliver has one goal in life to be rich.
I wanna be a billionaire so frickin' bad And it sure doesn't help that we're living here in Westport, Connecticut.
It's the kind of town where people have big houses and tiny butts, where every idiot has a boat and a Labradoodle.
I'll make it easy for you.
Here's a Labradoodle on some idiot's boat.
[Dog barks] Then there's us We're renters.
We're here because Westport has a great public school with special programs for our Anna-Kat I'm getting great at peeing outside.
Dry socks.
who just might need a little extra help.
Anna-Kat has a touch of the anxieties.
Not Rain Man anxiety, but it's not in the family newsletter.
Clean.
She's my favorite.
That's right I said it.
I said it in my head.
You need to read my report and check my work.
Yeah.
No.
I was in the charge of the Trail of Tears diorama, which I nailed.
The solar system project is all Dad.
Upstairs.
My husband Greg, at rest in his natural habitat.
Mommies of the world, I ask you what would happen if we all took a leisurely half-hour dump every morning? What about the plops? I don't want to hear any plops.
Easy-peasey chicken squeezie.
Lemon squeezie.
I can still hear! Now, don't come out until you get those signed.
[Sighs] Breakfast, Taylor.
This is Taylor, my oldest, whose life has been one, long awkward phase until last Thursday when the Boob Fairy paid her a visit.
I used to look like that.
Let's see what she looks like after three kids.
Morning, Mom.
She's growing up so fast.
How are you stocked for feminine things? I'm stocked.
And I really don't want to hear another one of your bled-through-my-pants" stories.
Hey, my mother never talked to me about any of this stuff.
I spent half of sixth grade with a sweat sock in my underpants convinced I was dying.
Yeah, that's a lie.
It happened to this Pakistani girl I used to know who was raised by her grandfather.
Would now be a good time to ask for a pet owl? I don't know if there's ever a good time for that.
Tell your mom thanks for sending you in here for this quality daddy-daughter toilet time.
Okay, Daddy.
Anna-Kat, close the door, honey.
Close the door, baby.
Anna Ah, forget it.
Oh, Fat Pam, why are you abandoning me, my jolly, plus-sized, ham-ass neighbor? Oh, God.
Here comes Nude Norman.
Hi! He's not naked.
Yeah, well, to be fair to him, it was only that one time.
Oh! [Engine starts] For the love of all things, where was I? Oh, yes.
Once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be the second-fattest housewife in Westport.
[Sighs] Damn you, Fat Pam.
Have a good day, sweetie.
Remember how Dr.
Ellie taught you to do that little secret thing with your fingers to relax yourself? Try that today.
- Okay, Mommy.
- Okay.
Mwah.
Bye.
[School bell rings] Oh, God help her.
Ugh.
Westport mommies.
Flat stomachs, tight, high asses, thighs that don't touch, and those stupid green drinks.
[Bleep] - Hi! - [Laughs] - Mwah! - Mwah! Oh, great.
Not only is Taylor growing up, but she's growing up to be one of them.
My full-time job is to make sure two of my kids fit in less and one fits in more.
[School bell rings] [Indistinct conversations] Oh, Katie! - Hi! - [Chuckles dryly] You have something on the back of your shirt.
That's pizza.
I thought it came out in the wash.
[Chuckles] How did you get a pizza stain on the back of your shirt? Honest answer? I was either wearing it backwards when I ate the pizza, or I'm wearing it backwards now.
Yeah, now.
[Laughs] I love you, Katie.
You're so real.
"You're so real" is Westport Mommy Code for "You shouldn't be eating that or driving that, and I saw you unbutton your pants at that stoplight.
" Thanks, Suzanne.
Bye.
[Indistinct conversation] [Sighs] What do you say, bitches? Second breakfast? Yes.
Celeste never even wanted to carry a child.
I'm the one whose genitals took one for the team twice.
[Scoffs] And yet, now she's fighting me for the last vial of our family sperm.
Enough about me and my bitter lesbian divorce.
Well, I've got some news.
Pam just put her house on the market.
Fat Pam? Rich Fat Pam? She's moving to Vermont.
And I'm going to be the second-fattest housewife in Westport.
- Mnh.
Not possible.
- No way.
Okay, there's Evelyn.
The biggest.
- Thank God for Evelyn.
- Yeah.
Name another woman around here fatter than me.
- Oh, my God.
- Katie.
The women around here are freaks.
There's nothing wrong with you.
You're beautiful and amazing.
And they're just totally giving What the hell is that woman over there wearing? Is that a Fitbit? Uh, yeah.
That's a Fitbit.
But she's wearing two of them.
Yeah, she is.
One on each wrist.
I literally cannot conceive of a reason why a person would need to wear two Fitbits.
When did it become okay for women our age to do nothing but diet and work out? It's all those damn fools do.
It's completely absurd and a total waste of feminine energy.
I object to it deeply and on every level.
On every level.
Do you know what you are, Katie? - You're a revolutionary.
- Mm-hmm.
Half the women in this country are over a size 14, and they're made to feel bad about themselves.
Who came up with the idea that a mother of three should have an ass like a 19-year-old? Oh, you have a great ass, Katie.
Like a couple of ripe cantaloupes in your pants.
Thank you.
I know.
I'll tell you one thing I'm not going on some stupid diet.
Greg pretty much wants to have sex with me all the time anyway.
I'm not really interested in giving him any added incentives.
Sex on a full stomach after midnight against my will? Uh-huh.
You have to sit next to me while I watch "Castle" and let me talk about Nathan Fillion's hair.
I told you that makes me feel self-conscious.
His hair is so lustrous.
Oh, we're talking two full episodes if I don't make you wear the sleeping mask.
You know I love the way you look.
I ate something weird.
- Mmm.
- [Exhales sharply] You You feel different.
Mm.
Different how? Like a, uh brand-new bag of flour.
It's my Spanx.
Oh, let's just get those off of you, then.
That's not gonna work.
They're hooked to my bra.
Why? Well, if you do it right, it turns gut into boob.
- Well, they do look good.
- Well, they should.
They're 1/3 gut.
[Both laugh] [Sighs] I feel good.
Me, too.
I always feel a tiny bit sick, but not in a bad way.
Is your top on backwards? Yeah.
Taylor, tell your brother how well you did with the food drive last year.
I did very well.
I don't believe in giving hand-outs.
This constant doling out of freebies violates my principles, and it's tearing this country apart.
I don't like it, Mom.
I don't like it one bit.
They told me to stop eating soft cheeses while I was pregnant with you, but I didn't listen.
And this is what happens.
I think that's a weird thing to say to a child.
Listen to me, Oliver.
Bring in some damn cans of food for the food drive tomorrow, and that is a direct order.
Okay, fine.
But shouldn't you be focusing on your kids who needs focusing? How's school, Anna-Kat? Well, I don't have any friends.
Of course you have friends, sweetie.
Today it was because I wouldn't hold hands in partner tag.
Why didn't you hold hands in partner tag? Because I don't want to catch people's invisible germs.
What? What are you talking about? That's how you get sick.
- That is not how you get sick.
- Pretty sure it is.
Right.
Germs are made up.
Everyone's crazy.
So I came up with a few ways to stop Fat Pam from leaving town.
If she can't sell her house, she can't move, right? Oh, this can't miss.
Number 1 remove three tires from car - and park on lawn.
- Next.
Take in Urban Youth or people who just seem terrorist-y.
[Quietly] No.
We become "The end is near" people.
You know those people, "End is near!" I'm not gonna do that.
Two words tampon wind chime.
Okay.
Put two hogs in yard.
Did you actually write that on the paper? Mm-hmm.
And I put a star next to it.
Greg.
I know you think that I'm acting crazy, but there's Evelyn, there's Pam, and then there's me.
With Pam gone, I move up a notch.
And it's like stepping into a really bright spotlight.
And it's making me feel really bad about something that I don't already feel great about in the first place being fat.
Oh, sweetie.
This is the part where you say I'm not fat.
You're not fat.
Instead of trying to scare away all the buyers, wouldn't it be easier to find a larger-ish-type gal to buy the house instead? And there it was.
It was right in front of me the whole time.
If it was O.
J.
, it would have murdered me in front of my own dog.
I need to find myself a ripe fatty and get her into Fat Pam's house, and fast.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So, we're looking for the right kind of buyer someone bigger than me.
Any skinnies who seem interested, scare 'em off.
Is it too late for tampon wind chimes? You had your chance.
I mean, it's probably just a coincidence that the whole family got cancer.
Right? I come into this house to see my dead friends.
Whoops.
We often wonder why an arsonist would be so obsessed with our little neighborhood.
[Grunts] Oh, my God.
It's Two Fitbits.
Who? That woman over there wearing two Fitbits.
Why would anyone need to wear two Fitbits? I know! This is why I tolerate the look of your feet! Well, just go over there and convince her not to buy this house.
It's no use.
There hasn't been a single tubby person in this place all afternoon.
I might as well accept it I'm going to be Vice Fattest.
We should go.
[Sighs] ["Take My Breath Away" plays] Take my breath away Why, hello there.
Take my breath away She seemed to really love that house.
And she's bigger than me, right? Yeah, there's no getting around her on the sidewalk.
Anna-Kat, honey, you know we're super proud of you, right? For doing what, holding hands during germ tag? Yes.
No.
Not germ tag.
We're proud of you for trying something new.
Thanks, Mommy.
Is that one of those green healthy drinks? Yeah.
I will not have that in this house.
[Bottle thuds] Dad, I'll leave you to handle this.
Could I talk to you for a minute? - Okay.
- Yeah, please.
- All right.
- Okay.
So, you're acting crazy.
You know who drinks those green drinks? All those horrible women in this town.
I will not have my daughter become one of them 40-year-olds who are trying to look like teenagers.
But Taylor is a teenager.
I will not have my teenage daughter acting like a 40-year-old trying to act like a teenager.
Mnh-mnh.
Okay, I'm just gonna relocate these, okay? You know we have a step stool.
- [Computer chimes] - Yeah.
Huh.
Oliver's teacher just e-mailed.
Apparently, today, he brought in a single can of expired cat food for the poor.
How do you think we should handle Oliver! Hey, Mom.
Hey, that's my money! You just lost it all, my friend.
I am giving it to a charity of my choosing.
Mom! That's for my Roth IRA! Your wha I will not have you be one of these money-obsessed brats in this town.
You are not getting this back until you do something good for someone other than yourself.
I worked hard to save that money.
This is straight-up communism.
You're right.
It is communism, and I'm Who was worse, Lenin or Stalin? Pretty sure Stalin killed the most people.
I'm Stalin.
[Coins rattling] I think I'm sick, Mama.
You know how lots of times you think you're sick, but you're not really sick? Mm-hmm.
Do you think maybe this is one of those times? [Vomits] [Sighs] She says she never wants to touch anyone's hand ever again.
She thinks she got sick from partner tag.
Greg: Where would she get such a crazy idea? A science textbook? A doctor? I knew it.
What? She gets this from you.
I'm straight-up mentally healthy in the germ department.
Remember that time that cat licked your leg and you actually screamed? It had very red lips.
Okay.
Well, this is your mess.
And unless you want our daughter to never touch another human ever again, you need to get in there and fix it.
Hi.
Okay.
Here it is in a nutshell.
Friends are more important than germs.
- What do you mean, "in a nutshell"? - Forget I said "nutshell.
" Friends are more important than germs.
Friends are more important than germs? That's right.
And someday, you're gonna have a gazillion friends 'cause you are what we call an original.
Just remember to always wash your hands.
And never pee at a state fair.
Katie: Greg! Friends are more important than germs.
Thanks, Daddy.
[Brakes squeak] [Horn honks] Hey! You convinced me.
We've put in our offer well above the asking price.
I had to outbid some chicken-legged lady in yoga pants.
I love you! You have no idea how happy I am! [Chuckles] I am so glad you talked us into Westport.
I had to.
I couldn't let you go.
Well, we were a little hesitant to move here, to be honest.
- Because of all the rich blacks.
- What's that, now? There are a lot of them, right? And gays "raising kids" together? I guess we just do our best to avoid them.
Mm.
See you around! Was I really willing to let this happen, to welcome this racist homophobe to the neighborhood just so I could feel better about myself and my well-nourished body? Could I do such a thing just to keep from becoming the second-fattest housewife in Westport? Gail! Welcome to Westport! Apparently, I could.
[Dog barks] - Madame.
- Norman! Honey, look who's at the door! I like your sweater.
Oh.
Do you know when you'll be done with it? Hey, Norman.
Hi.
Hello, little lady.
[Quietly] Friends are more important than germs.
Would you like to be my friend? I would be honored to be your friend.
- I have a friend! - [Chuckles] That's wonderful.
Hey.
Hey.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, sweetie.
Let's go wash that hand.
Sorry for the intrusion.
Oliver said I could find him here.
Uh, it's okay, Mom.
I've got this.
Hi, Norm.
Oh, no.
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay.
I finished the yardwork.
No breaks except for a couple bathroom emergencies and double-time, just like you suggested.
The Wilsons and the Gordons want me back next week! We're in business! Here's your cut.
Bye.
I told you to do something good for someone else.
I did something great for someone else.
I taught a man to fish.
Did you see the light in his eyes? You took money from a homeless person.
Hey, I lined up the jobs for him, so I got something for my trouble.
It's a little thing called capitalism.
Seriously, Oliver? You are acting like a pimp in a Lifetime movie.
I don't know what to do with you anymore.
How about nothing? If I thought I might be a girl on the inside, you'd let me wear a skirt to school.
This is no different.
I should be allowed to be who I am.
No.
Well, you're not being who you are.
Excuse me? Anna-Kat told me about scaring away the thin ladies at the open house.
Very poor example you're setting, Mom.
Damn it.
He's right.
When did I start caring about what other people think? I practically invented food shopping in pajamas.
I'm not gonna let this town change me or my kid.
You are going to donate 20% of that money to the Food Bank.
- 5%.
- 15%.
- 6%.
- 80%.
10%? Deal.
I need to fix the mess I made next door no matter what it takes.
But how do you get a racist homophobe to fall out of escrow? Hi, Gail.
Hi, neighbor.
I would like for you to meet Angela, my wife and lover.
I've heard so much about you.
[Both chuckles] Hot then you're cold You're yes then you're no You're in then you're out Welcome to the neighborhood.
You're wrong when it's right It's black and it's white Mom! Front door for you! Mother of balls, it's Two Fitbits.
Mom, this is our new neighbor, Viv.
Oh, I love your earrings.
Oh, thanks.
- Mom, don't you like them? - No, I don't.
So, you bought the house across the street.
Turns out the first buyer got cold feet.
Hmm.
[Gasps] Your house is so cozy.
Thank you.
Adorable, really.
Yeah, I know.
- It is.
- Thank you.
And I'm gonna love getting my hands on you.
Excuse me? I used to be a big girl.
- I can totally help you.
- Mm.
We can go walk-jogging together.
You walk and then you run and then you walk and then you run.
And then you just run.
Yeah, not one part of that is going to happen.
I love it.
I love you.
You're so real.
And there it was again the damning Westport "You're so real.
" Oh, you're like a little cherub.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Oh! [Laughs] Ooh! - Hey! - [Sighs] I'm gonna buy you a Fitbit.
And the truth is, Two Fitbits was right.
I am real, and I need to keep my kids real if I'm going to raise them in this town.
I'm not giving up like Fat Pam, so watch out, skinnies.
[Pink's "Raise your Glass" plays] I'm officially the second-fattest housewife in Westport.
I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm owning it.
Oh, and also I'm eating this.
For me So, all I have to do is keep Taylor in bulky sweaters for a few years and then try to slap some sense into Oliver.
You look good.
Mnh-mnh.
All right.
I was talking about the challenges with our children.
Our kids are fine.
You were saying? What? You never wanted to take everything red out of your room? Let the good times roll