Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Kidney Car

Put it back! - Sweetness.
- Shake, what you got there? - No, do not get near this.
- What is it? Just the fruits of victory.
I wouldn't expect you to understand, being a loser.
- The Shake 'em Up Finals? - Yeah, I won "Participant".
Don't tell me you used the Danger Cart in some demolition derby.
Hell, no! I got my own wheels.
Open up, or I'm opening it for you.
- You know the drill.
- Drill? No, I don't.
- Carl, how you doing, man? - Take a look at that.
This is pretty boss, man.
Where'd you get those graphics done? - Thank you.
I didn't frigging do it.
- Then why're you showing it to me? Someone stole it, raced it, and brought it back! - Well, you did call the police, right? - Yeah, good one.
I never thought of that.
No, they stopped taking my calls long ago.
Well, we're kind of not detectives anymore.
That wasn't making us a whole lot of money.
No, sir.
But now we got us a mail order telemarket business: Ultra Megabraid.
- Carl, I see you noticing my braids.
- No, I'm not.
Did you know you can have braids just like this? With Ultra Megabraid.
- You want to try one? - No.
- We could do your shoulders.
- They come in seven colors and you can add decorative beads and glitter.
- Make your own unique Ultra Megabraid.
- $3.
Kiss my ultra mega-ass.
And if you order now, we'll include an egg slicer.
Meatwad, he's gone.
I ain't never gonna sell one of these.
No, that's not the right attitude.
But you're probably right.
You won't sell any of this crap.
Are you depressed? Has high interest rates got you down? My name is Meatwad and today I'm here to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Sell your organs, live, over the Internet.
Get money back on your baby.
That don't sound right.
Where's my sheet? All right, take her up.
Be careful with Well, who frigging cares? Wait, Carl! No, wait! I mean, what are you doing there, buddy? I can't sell it like this.
I gotta give it to the kidney foundation.
Maybe get a little tax write-off or What are you doing with that helmet? This? This is for the rapture.
- Armageddon? - Well, it looks like a racing helmet.
Yeah, it does.
But it's not.
Well, I stand corrected.
All right! My wheels got here! Wait a minute! What is this? What are you doing here? Yep, Carl, the old kidney foundation really came through for me with my freebie.
I been on that damn list for a while.
But they said, you know since I was, you know - Unsanitary? - Yeah.
Yeah, that and inoperate Racism.
- Infection.
- Waiting to happen.
And they didn't nowise want to waste no kidneys on me.
And I said, "Well, all right".
So they're saying they give me this car, and I can get sick all I want in here.
You don't really need kidneys.
Look, I know it's shallow, but I wants them.
It's a status thing.
That's what separates the men from the animals.
Actually, Meatwad, animals have kidneys, too.
Well, animals ain't got no job working for the city.
- Neither do you.
- Yeah, well Damn, you burned me.
I got nothing.
So back off my car and hold your roll.
Ease off the pedal there, Jeff Gordon.
I am keeping the graphics.
That's fine, they ain't too wicked no more.
It's the Hotwad.
We gonna fix this up and make this my work car.
Frylock, I'm looking at you.
- This is gonna be a lot of work and money.
- I know, I got tools.
Okay, that should do it.
Okay, now when I say, "Crank it " you do whatever it is people do when they're told to do that.
I ain't hearing that, see? You asking or you telling? 'Cause nobody tells Boxy Brown.
Boxy, this isn't a big deal.
I mean, I'm just asking a favor.
If you remember, I helped you move your grandma to the home and that was my day off.
That wasn't no grandma, boy.
That was a grocery bag.
- But you just a box.
- I just a what, bitch? You're Duke of New York.
You're A-Number 1.
Say it louder, boy.
You're Duke of New York.
A-Number 1.
- How's he doing out there? - He hasn't done jack.
He's been sawing on that thing for two hours.
Are you sure he should be using a saw? - Well, not a plastic one.
- I knew that looked wrong.
You need this drill! Get out of there.
What, are you trying to break it? It's not metric? Give it to me.
You gotta whomp it on the side like this.
- You better start, you mother - Stop, stupid! All right, that's it.
Let me take a look.
Shake, get a flashlight.
Meatwad, get behind the wheel.
Tell your buddy Dewey to get out of the fan housing.
Boy, you are gonna lose an arm that way! - Okay, now crank it.
- Okay, here we go.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- You ready now? - Ready.
- Here it comes.
- Okay.
- Come on, I'm ready.
- You ready for it? - I'm ready, already! Just do it! - Okay, don't yell at me.
How's that sound? Do you like that song? - I meant turn the key.
- I did.
This is Key.
K104, Jersey's Kicking Country.
The key to the ignition, Meatwad! - I'm turning it! - That's the steering wheel! I'm going left.
But you're turning to the right.
- Shake, where's the light? - Yeah, where's the light? - No, a demon! - There it is.
It was last seen in the woods.
- Great.
- By a man with a hook! All right, that's it.
I'm through.
Forget it.
The radiator's split, the tranny's shot, the wheels are melted the crankshaft somehow found its way into the woofer in the back and all the fluids are in the floorboard.
No, man, that's a soft drink machine.
- They're fluids, Meatwad! - Soft drinks are fluid.
Look, I know it's not an ideal situation but let's just take a few breaths and calm down.
Let's just get in there, and you do it.
Do you have any idea how much money this is gonna cost? I can't get a lot of money if I can't get to work driving my rocket car.
It's Meatwad's car.
It's up to him.
- Tell him you want it fixed.
- I want it fixed.
See? And I'll help you.
Really, I can do this.
All right.
Where did the light go? Shine it over here.
I set it down right over there beside the demon of the flashlight.
The demon! No! All right, that's it all of you.
Y'all fix it yourselves.
See what you did? Now I'm not gonna get a ride to my job.
Thanks for taking food out of my kids' mouths.
Get out of here, boy.
I gotta get to my job.
Yeah, you! Yeah, I'm looking at you! Move your van, or I'm gonna move it for you! Go to Mach 1.
Engage warp speed.
I'm late for work.
I'm a little worried about Meatwad.
I think he's losing his mind.
Watch this.
I think he's losing his license.
Oh, shoot.
The Bronx 5-0.
Is there an emergency or something? - Well, yeah, I mean - Somebody having a baby? - You know, I need to get to work and - What's going on here? I'm a wild man.
I can't drive 55 mph.
No wheels here, either.
- And you passed an inspection like that? - Yes, sir.
I saw you ran through a couple of lights, and I'm thinking: "Surely this little lady wouldn't do that in her own town".
Where are you from? Now, they was yellow when I went through them.
They were red.
Like your ass is gonna be when I get through with you.
Step out of the car, please.
Did you drink anything tonight, ma'am? Hell, yeah! Can I mix you something? I want you to walk in a straight line to that manhole.
When you fall in, I wanna hear the alphabet backwards.
- Okay.
- Sucker! Did you see that? He stole my car.
- Yeah.
Did you get the plate number? - Good idea.
It's not Sunday, lady! Let's go! What's that letter that does this? With the thing? There's two of them.
I was out of control.
But I'm such a good driver, I brought it back.
Frylock, you've gotta get that car fixed.
Well, I tried to help you, but you two just kept on goofing off.
We're pretty funny when we do that.
Go see a real mechanic.
See if he thinks it's funny.
Here's the estimate.
He told me I may not like what I see, but it's the truth.
Check it out.
$32,000? That doesn't sound right.
- Did he even look at the car? - Over the phone, yeah.
He says that it sounded like my hobbit that turns the crankcase is depressed and needs therapy.
We need to get us a new hobbit.
They's from the land beyond time.
Land beyond time's also gonna hook us up with the unicorn for the radiator.
I won't even tell you about that haunted air conditioner.
Plus, the air filter, that's made of plutonium.
That's gonna involve Superman, so plus shipping from Krypton.
Then the cow jumped over the moon.
Is this what he told you, or is this how you heard it? You should read it for yourself.
I don't even know anymore.
Wow, he actually did write all that.
What an ass Don't say that.
Carl said he's a guy you can trust.
- He'd do me right.
- Yeah, I bet he would.
- Gentlemen, I have the answer.
- What the hell Yeah, "what the hell".
Say it! Say "what the hell" again.
I'll be dumbfounded.
- That'll never work.
- I know.
The colors are not quite right.
I specifically asked for Mandarin Copper.
I get stuck with Sangria Sunrise.
- Makes it look like some tarted-up hussy.
- I ain't gonna be part of this.
Go ahead and kill yourselves, if you want to.
Yeah, have fun with your dollies.
Meatwad, hit the switch.
Okay, turn it off for a second.
Let's just turn it off.
What was that noise? Where is my white hatchback? - Excuse me? - And why are there skidmarks there? I just got through mowing the lawn, if that's a crime.
I frigging rented this thing this morning! Yeah, we know how you did it.
The bank gave you a credit card.
It doesn't make you better than me.
But, you see, nobody gives me credit, because I'm a bad risk and I don't pay my bills on time.
So I have to work for what I have.
Did my car always have that, or am I just What? Class? Style? I don't think so.
Thank God it got a hip transplant.
Why don't you go back into your house and shut up? - Why'd he do that? - Why wouldn't he?