Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Dusty Gozongas

Spacecataz.
We know you eat your own farts.
Um, they're writing it on our ship.
You see that, right? They shouldn't do that, but they are filled with shame.
Admission is the first step in recovery.
Yeah, but they're making it look like you know, like we like to do that.
Ha ha ha ha! They no! We do not eat our own farts! Well, then why did you paint that on the side of your ship unless you long to consume your own farts? - It's so pathetic.
- Eww, that's gross.
What kind of a creature gets nutrition from its own farts, Err? They do, man.
That's absolutely correct.
F- A-R-T-S.
That's all! Let's just cut our losses and walk away.
Nein! The time for maturity is over! Yes, I would like to order a million no, hold on.
Fifty million large pizzas.
My name is Shake-Zula The mike ruler, the old-schooler You want to trip, I'll bring it to ya Frylock and I'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see Meatwad get the honeys, G Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star Ice on my fingers and my toes And I'm a taurus Uh, check-check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, G Ooh.
Oh, hey, Carl.
How's it going? - Hey what? - I'm just power walking.
What are you friggin' doing that for? You're just gonna die.
Well, yeah, I know, but I need to drop a couple pounds.
My feet so fat I can't get into my roller skates and my neckerchief don't fit anymore.
Look at this.
Uhh, uhh.
It's a stickup.
It don't work.
I do this at a bank robbery I'll look like a fool.
All right.
The running man.
Oh, no, no, no.
I power walk.
Son of a look at this.
How far did you run, Meatwad? I power walked down to that pile of gummi bears and back.
I should probably set the pile out further or closer, so I can get at 'em.
Maybe you shouldn't eat the gummi bears once you reach them.
But it's a halfway point.
If you don't put the gummi bears out there ain't no reason to run or power walk, which is what I do.
Well, I don't know why you waste your time exercising.
It's just sweat you're gonna have to wash off.
Exercising's for dummies and women.
Yeah, man.
You ought to hop on my diet.
Started it two days ago and, uh, I'm already at my target weight.
Which is? South Bronx Paradise Diet, baby! Yeah.
The twist is, you eat more than you want and then you supplement that with a special candy bar and it ain't like them sissy no-crabs diets, either.
Uh, I think that's no carbs, Carl.
See, but I have crabs, so I don't qualify for that.
Have I told you that before? - Yeah.
- Funny story.
Well, I don't have to watch what I eat, or what I do.
Call me Mr.
Untouchable.
Yeah, and that's why you're a candidate for heart disease.
Well I have three hearts because I'm from Tatooine, and my mother - No, you're not.
- Really.
Interesting.
'Cause, you know I get my physical every year on Alderaan.
That didn't happen.
Well I'm I am from the Dagobah system.
All right, ladies, sorry to break up the tea party but it's time for my afternoon candy bar.
And you ain't got to run or nothin'? - Nope.
- I want to do his diet.
Meatwad, you should lose weight the right way by eating a well-balanced meal and exercise.
Or lose it the fun way eat these candy bars and sit on your ass as it gets thinner and thinner.
Or do it my way don't do it.
What's that, R2? With no pants? Did you all hear that? Ha ha ha! He's crazy.
All right, Carl, I'll tell you what.
I'll bet you a case of your favorite beer that Meatwad loses more weight than you doing it the healthy way.
Yeah.
You're on.
And if I win, both of y'all get together buy me a motorcycle and a pink iPod mini.
- No.
- No.
All I want is some home electronics.
He gets to go to the damn Dagobah system.
Oh, R2.
Ha ha ha ha! - Uhh! - Come on, baby.
Come on, come on, come on.
Lift it up.
Come on.
I know you can do it.
Come on.
I know it's in you.
I know you got it in you, baby.
Uhh! One.
All right, Meatwad, that was good.
That was great.
- Now I want you to go for two.
- This is too hard.
I know you can do it.
Come on! You must be out of your mind.
I'm going back down to pink.
See? Now, pink is challenging and macho and I'm feeling the burn with this.
Mmm, mmm! Hey wow.
Hey, you guys want any of this popcorn before the movie starts? - Popcorn! - Boy, is it good.
Over here, please.
Well, there's none left.
Only two tubs survived from the Force.
Shake, you know he can't eat that.
Come on.
I know.
He's got willpower.
He will not not eat it.
What movie we watching? No, Meatwad.
Look, we got to do thirty minutes on the stair-stepper.
- Son of a - Come on.
It'll be fun.
And then and then I'm gonna go off and get surgery while you ain't looking and get them to suck all the rest of it out with a tube.
Is that OK? Come on, now.
All you got is five more minutes.
You can do this.
But I want lips like a tomb raider.
I got nothing.
Flat lips.
They ain't sultry.
Funnel cakes! Get your hot funnel cakes here! Funnel cakes! Funnel cakes from the tomb raider! Do you have to fry those here, Shake? Yeah, I do.
Who's ready? Someone must be ready for a funnel cake.
I wish I could find someone.
Shake, what's wrong with you? You know he can't have this stuff.
I don't know.
I'm conflicted.
Part of me wants to show it to him and then wolf it down in front of him and yet part of me wants to see him eat it and lose the bet.
I just don't know who to trust anymore.
All right, look.
Can you just hit me with some batter from there? Hey, batter, batter, batter, sa-wing, batter! No, Meatwad, no batter.
Look, I've already got your dinner specially prepared.
Mmm.
This here's a good steak.
A little chewy, but it will do.
Well, because the steak is a cat toy.
But I don't know why a cat would play with a steak but I just put it in there to get you excited about your real dinner, this celery stalk right here.
Well, it ain't working.
Now, if you expect me to eat this you gonna have to supply me with some wing sauce.
How about a twist of lemon? How about a twist of I gouge your mother eyes out? Get me the damn wing sauce.
Can I make that à la mode for you? Yes, two scoops, please.
All right.
two.
Come on, four.
Eight.
Dream big! Be somebody! - Shake, get out of here.
- I'm not doing anything! He's not.
I'm tired of this diet.
Can't eat what I want.
What's the point of living? There isn't any.
Hold my gun for me, will you? I said, get out of here.
Carlos! Good afternoon, there, ladies.
Whoa! You're looking pretty skinny there, dude! How about you, uh, hook me up with a couple funnel cakes? You got it, sticks.
And, uh, go way heavy on the powdered sugar.
Man, you're looking pretty good.
Yeah, what'd I tell you, man? South Bronx Paradise all the way, baby.
Ha ha ha ha, yeah.
All I gotta eat are these candy bars get plenty of sleep and no exercise, though.
That's a no-no.
Technically, I should've driven over here.
You don't mind if I take a look at one of those candy bars, do you? Yeah, they're $8 apiece there, Fry Man so, uh you liik.
Hey, can I just have one funnel cake - eating contest? - Yeah.
Pile 'em up right here and get the clock.
We'll throw down right now, 'cause I'm gonna I'm gonna whup your ass on this diet, boy.
You're not part of the bet.
Oh, OK! Sorry! Then I'm part of the bet.
You heard him.
I'm in it.
Well me running.
Say, Carl, do you have any idea what's in these candy bars? No, I do not.
Well, would you like to look through this scope and just see what you've been eating? No.
It's South Bronx Paradise, baby! - It's South Bronx Parasite.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Did you even read the wrapper? - That's typical liberal media Parasite, Paradise.
You're guaranteed to shed pounds within hours.
I know that.
Yeah, because there's larvae inside of you feeding on your flesh.
What am I, nerd scientist here? Hey, look, save the dissertation for my ass before it totally disappears.
Ha ha ha ha ha! South Bronx Paradise! Hey, Carl, you left this.
Coming out your butt.
Yeah, I thought I felt something sort of slip.
Eww, it's a human liver.
Is this yours, Carl? Oh, all right.
Here we go.
I don't know.
Who cares? Dead weight is what that is.
- C-c-can I have it? - No, Meatwad.
What? I'm about to die of hunger here.
I need meat! Oh, yes! Today is the day! The glory train is taking off! For what? Well, I get that case of beer, like you promised.
Look, Shake, you're not part of the bet.
- You never were.
- But I want to be.
Well, you're not.
Meatwad, I'm gonna go check on Carl.
See if he's ready to step on those scales.
Well, I'll be here, waiting to reap in the glory of winning.
And we're renaming the house the Master Shake Title Town! T- I-T aah! Uh, Carl? You in here? Carl? Hello? - Yeah? - No.
I got to tell you, man, I can hear you like, talking, from your living room.
I got some sort of crazy, amazing hearing.
They don't tell you about that in the book.
What are you doing? Eh, it's part of the diet.
They say, you know if you, uh, want to slide around on your stomach don't fight the urge.
You realize you're up on the ceiling, Carl.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, that.
I like to be next to this light.
Like, real next to it.
What? What are you, queer? Oh, Carl! I told you I could eat whatever I want with this diet.
It's friggin' great! And the kicker no long-term ramifications.
Whatever.
Whatever, whenever, Carl, OK? Look, it's time for the weigh-in.
I had no idea there was so much protein in these, you know? Hey.
- Meat! - Meatwad, no! Hey, that's no fair! He can't be taking stuff off before he gets on the scale! Just prop me against the wall over there.
Hang on, everybody, wait.
I'm about to win this bitch.
You're not part of the damn bet, Shake.
Oh, yeah? Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and then you tell me? Aah! All right.
Get on the scale, Meatwad.
How are we looking? You weigh two more pounds than you did last week.
Oh, fudge.
Does anyone want some? It's good.
Got nuts in it.
- Carl, you ready? - It's pecan fudge.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha.
We're doing this thing right now.
And it is in your I win, brother! I win, I win, I win! In your face, Frylock.
I win.
Come on, where's everybody going? Dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden