Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bart Oates

My name is Shake-Zula The Mic Ruler The Old-Schooler You want to trip? I'll bring it to you.
Frylock, and I'm on top rock you like a cop Meatwad, you up next with your knock-knock.
Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, g.
Drivin' in my car livin' like a star ice on my fingers and my toes and I'm a Taurus.
Uh, check, check it, yeah.
'Cause we are the Aqua Teens make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream.
'Cause we are the Aqua Teens make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream ? "Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
" Number One in the hood, g.
[telephone ringing] [yawns] Hello.
Hello? Hello.
Hello? Hello.
Hello? Hello.
Hello.
I'm here.
Oh, ok.
Hey, man.
How's it going? You know what time it is? Do you? Because it's 4:20 somewhere.
I know that.
Ain't that the phrase? Are you drunk? Mm-hmm.
Give me that phone! Look, before I start speaking, don't even think about getting angry because if you do, I swear that I will hang up on you.
Shake, what is it? What's wrong? Ok, you're jumping in already.
Ok.
We got into a little bit of trouble.
Tell him nothing's wrong.
But let me preface by saying we were framed.
What? We were just the guys that happened to be there.
We were framed! It was a total setup.
All right, what was a setup? Wow.
Now, why would I talk to someone who speaks to me in that tone? Will you just tell me what it is you did wrong? Oh, what? You think you do everything right? Ok.
I see what's happening here--you got another D.
U.
I.
, didn't you? Hang up on his ass.
I'm going to have to bus down there, ok? I'm going to have to take the bus from now on permanently, according to what some guy told me, and I ain't riding that cheese box! It's a major deterrent for the women.
Women will not kiss you on the bus.
Ok, look.
This is going to take me a while.
Hang up on him.
[dial tone] Hey, Fry Man, I got this post-it note that was left on the curb for me.
"Thanks for car.
M.
S.
" Aw, man.
I'm sure it'll be back.
You think? That would be so thoughtful.
Hey, uhYou You like football, right? You're a big football man.
No.
Actually, I don't like sports in general.
But, I mean, you like jerseys, right? 'Cause I got some Giants-wear.
Super-cheap, too.
Active-wear.
It's for the total, ultimate fan.
Check it out.
Carl, I really don't-- bad! Don't worry about this rip.
I just accidentally ripped it pulling it out of the box.
Are the Gnats a team? No.
Gnats? What the fan? It's supposed to be the Giants! I friggin' told them immigrants! No wonder they cut me a deal.
What a deal! They probably don't even have giants in their country, they're so friggin' tiny.
Look at this crap.
Half of them dissolved in the box.
Well, you know what they say.
You get what you pay for.
I'll tell you what.
How about I take 20% off? How about no? Oh, come on, man.
I seen you flying around so fast, people won't even notice.
Right? High five, football fan.
I really don't like sports, Carl.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're a fag! Look, it's the third house on the right.
JustFeel free to crash there.
I'm going to go on in here and take me a poop.
Yeah.
That would be cool, man.
That would be cool.
There's a big computer in there.
You like the internet? Use all you want.
My pants are all wet.
Oh, very important-- security code.
We ain't got none.
So just go right in.
My pants is stuck to my butt.
When is Frylock getting here? I don't know, but I'm pissed about it.
[snoring] Get up, Carl.
Wh-wh-what? You're Bart Oates, the center for the Super Bowl Giants! '87 and '91! The G-men! Yeah! Take the TV.
Take whatever you need to get by.
What are you talking about? I don't need your money, Carl.
Let me tell you.
January 27, 1991 Best friggin' day of my life.
Norwood missing wide.
Friggin' Tuna coaching on the sideline.
You, likeHiking the ball.
You know? Did you come here to kill me? No, Carl.
Oh, that's so great.
The Gnats? What is this, Carl? Oh, that? It's, uh Well, it's just a It's a tribute to your majesty.
Carl, by doing this, you're taking food out of N.
F.
L.
Players' mouths.
I'm so sorry, Bart.
But, dude, I followed your whole Pro-Bowl season in '90.
You had a sack-prevented index.
It's, like, point-9.
It's ridiculous! Your blocking ratio was 4 to 1.
You were playing out of your mind that season! And then 1994.
You friggin' signed with the Niners.
You broke my friggin' heart, Bart.
You pancaked it! I was there when you destroyed my poster.
And you said, "i hope he gets injured.
" Enjoy San Francisco, pansy.
I hope you tear your A.
C.
L.
, jack-ass! I said that? I had knee surgery, and I had to retire, Carl.
So I made you have, like, knee surgery by saying that? In a way, yes, you did.
That's awesome.
I mean, I'm sorry in retrospect, but that's so awesome I was able to do that.
I hate the Niners! So, Carl, I want you to do something for me.
You want some Gnats t-shirts for your family? I'll cut you a deal.
We'll go 40% off on those.
Hey, Carl, do you want to be a winner? You got to lay off the salty foods.
Don't drink so much.
Try some exercise.
Maybe go out with a woman you didn't have to pay.
You know, sex isn't everything.
Neither is the band Boston.
If you want to be a champ, you got to pay the price, man.
You got to go all the way.
Listen to what I'm telling you, Carl.
Listen to what I'm telling you.
Wait, Bart Oates.
Wait.
I got so many more stats I want to throw at you.
He's gone.
I'm so hung-over.
Did you see me pounding those daiquiris at the bar last night? I was a maniac! What was I thinking? You pounded one.
Well, I pound what I can afford.
Hey, my man over here, he wants a daiquiri now.
He says I got to smuggle one back in, up my butt hole.
Oh.
Fresh or the mix? Fresh.
Oh, God.
That would be so cold.
[panting] One.
All right.
Take a break.
Whoa.
You just burned a third of a gram of fat, man.
That's good, right.
Yeah, that's good.
Not good enough.
You need to do more laps.
And try not touching the bottom of the pool so much.
How did you know? Carl, I know everything.
Hey, Carl, what's up? Oh, crap.
Hide.
Hide? From what? From, uh just play it off as a joke.
From, uhYou know Black people have been running around here.
That's not really a joke, Carl.
Come on, man.
I'm trying.
Ok, Carl, look.
I felt really bad about your car, so I brought you some fresh Parsley and Oregano from my herb garden.
Oh, great.
Weeds.
This will help me get to the strip club.
Where's my friggin' car? Well, it's kind of been impounded.
What? You tell me right now, Fry Man, where my friggin' car is, or I'm gonna rip that paper-box head of yours in half! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, Carl.
You don't want a penalty for roughing the neighbor.
I mean, that's 15 yards, and that hurts the team.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, Carl.
It's ok.
It's ok.
I'm not mad.
Ok? So, where's my effing car? Please, sir.
Carl.
Well, well, well.
Look who's off to the slammer.
I bailed you out, dumb-ass.
Oh.
Well, good.
I'm driving.
Let's go.
I'm driving.
No! You have no control of your bladder.
[tires screech] Hey, Carl, what are you doing? You got to go back.
That's not right.
You are trying my patience, Bart Oates.
What do you want from me? LookI'm so sorry.
I'm sorry that you tried to walk in front of me when I clearly had the right of way.
Hey, Carl, you know, that's not really the spirit of this.
All right, all right, all right, look.
Reset.
I am very glad that forensics could not match the paint on your face to the paint on my fender, but I am sorry that you had to pay the ultimate price for not looking both ways.
I did not wave you on.
I was flipping you off! Carl.
Ok.
All right.
I'm sorry you're dead.
You're in the red zone now, buddy.
You got to close the deal.
But me answering questions to a bunch of cops wasn't ever going to bring you back.
Be a champ.
Go all the way.
Ok! I'm sorry I hit you, all right?! And that's as sorry as I'm ever going to be.
You were old.
I could tell.
Ok, guys, look.
I'm sorry that I made an assload of money selling these in the parking lot of your show.
They ain't supposed to say Chicano.
It was them dumb-ass immigrants I had working for me.
Anyways, I want you to have this.
Hey, Carl, you're offsides, buddy.
All right, look.
Here's the money I made on it.
$40 in change? Damn it.
You know everything.
All right, look.
I'll make out a check toHow about I make it out to Chicago? All right! Friggin' cash! Fine! Who was that? I don't know, but check it out-- $43 in change.
All right.
[playing horns] I don't recognize this place.
Carl, huddle up.
This is Linda Hamilton's house.
She is destined to play Sarah Connor in "The Terminator.
" And Sarah will give birth to John, and he will lead the resistance to the rise against the machines.
Well, I mean, she's already been in that movie.
Well, I've been sent by the machines to get you to kill Linda Hamilton.
What are you talking about, man? She's an actress.
Come on, Carl.
You got to do it, brother.
You got to go all the way.
Do it for Tuna.
Do it for L.
T.
Come on, man.
This is our house.
This is Linda's house.
We got to run a trap, and you've got to lay a big hurt on Linda.
Lay a big hurt on Listen to yourself.
She's an actress! It was a movie! This is friggin' stupid! Stupid? Are you kidding me? Listen, man.
When I had my knee surgery, the computers replaced all my parts with metal machinery.
You want to see? Looks like they did it on a budget.
I don't see any computers in there.
What? A lot of cans here.
Oh, man! The computers lied to me.
Oh, you think? Oh, no! My whole life is a sham! [alarm blaring] Intruders.
All right, drama queen.
Let's get out of here before Linda wakes up.
Whoa.
What the hell is that? It's a B.
B.
It was lodged in his frontal lobe.
But how did he get a B.
B.
In his brain? Milkshake, we're in the goal-line offense, baby.
You've got to score.
You're a champ, buddy.
Go all the way.
[air rifle fires] [Carl screams] I don't know.
I need to figure out how to shove a daiquiri up my butt.
? Dancing is forbidden d-d-dancing is forbidden dancing is forbidden d-d-dancing is forbidden dancing is forbidden ?